by Asher Meth, sharing a letter from the Jewish press

On January 1, 1986, Asher Meth — a graduate student at New York University — posted this text to net.religion.jewish, attributing it to a letter he found "in a recent Jewish weekly paper." He introduced it as "The Tragedy of Assimilation."

The letter addresses a common scenario in mid-century American Jewish life: a Jewish young adult is in love with a gentile partner, the parents object, and the proposed solution is a perfunctory conversion — one that, as all parties acknowledge, means nothing religiously. The letter's author refuses to accept that this is a neutral or loving request. The argument is philosophical: without respect, love cannot survive. And a partner who asks you to perform a religious fraud — for the sake of their own convenience, their parents' comfort, and the path of least resistance — has already shown you the quality of their character. The counsel it offers is the hardest kind: leave.

Meth shared it at the opening of 1986. The group was still arguing about Israel and terrorism. This was something different.

Dear Gentile,

This letter is written to you, the partner of a Jew whom you hope to marry, in the hope that it will enable you to retain your self-respect and find someone who truly respects you.

You met your Jewish partner and fell in love. You and your partner both wish to marry. But there is a problem. Your partner's parents are opposed — perhaps adamantly so, perhaps a bit less, but nevertheless opposed — to their child marrying a gentile. Only you know how much debate and anguish have gone into attempting to solve the problem, how many hours of discussion have been held between your Jewish partner and the parents and between you and the partner.

And finally, an answer! Perhaps it was a reluctant one, reluctantly agreed to by the Jewish parents. Perhaps it was a reluctant one on your part. Perhaps it came easily. No matter. At last an answer that promised a solution to the problem, an end to the opposition of the Jewish parents. That answer? A simple one: Why do you not agree to convert? Why do you not agree to become a Jew?

Why, it is so simple, your partner told you. My parents will then accept you, we can be married and live happily ever after. And it really doesn't mean anything. You certainly won't have to observe Judaism; after all I don't. It's just a form, a ritual, something to make my parents feel better. And if you agree, any Reform or Conservative rabbi will marry us without questions asked. Think about it, darling; a little ritual, and love will conquer all.

And so you agreed. Not too happily because, after all, you are not Jewish and never thought of wanting to be Jewish and don't really want to be Jewish, but the thought of getting rid of all the hassle and finally getting married made you agree. In the end, you agreed with your partner that it wasn't really the laws that were important as the in-laws.

Dear gentile partner, think. You love your Jewish partner and you are convinced that he or she shares that love, loves you in return. But the greater question is: Can love survive without any respect? And the greatest question is, of course: In light of what your Jewish partner has asked you to do, what respect can he or she possibly have for you?

Religion, whether one believes in it or not, is one of the birthrights of human beings. Your ancestors believed in and fought for the principles of your faith and whether you really observe them or believe in them fully, asking you to throw your religion away as a cynical, pragmatic move just to satisfy your Jewish partner's parents is a move of such contempt for you, that it is difficult to understand your lack of respect for yourself!

Why doesn't your Jewish partner offer to convert to your faith? If conversion is just a ritual (read: game) why is your partner not prepared to make the simple move in this "game"? Why such lack of respect for you that he or she so flippantly asks you to drop your faith and tradition and cause pain to your parents and family (no matter how little they may show it)? Think carefully. Is such a person one who really respects you? Is this the kind of unselfish partner who will give to you and sacrifice for you in time of need? Or is this a spoiled and selfish child who — for what he or she desires — is prepared to have others pay for those pleasures? Is this Jewish American Prince or Princess what you really need?

I think not. I think that there is nothing more important in this world — more than love — than respect. And a person who, because he or she has not the will or courage to face down parents, asks you to sacrifice your faith and tradition and cause such inner pain to your family, simply has no respect for you.

And more. Your Jewish partner has no respect for his or her own religion, either. Anyone who can tell you to go through a farce and a fraud of conversion without really caring or feeling for Judaism, has nothing but contempt for his or her own faith. And with all that in mind it becomes clear that you are dealing with someone who, ultimately, has no self-respect either.

Accept this advice, the best advice you may ever get in your life, advice that will spare you heartache and a terrible marriage. Tell your Jewish partner, no. No, I really think that this will not work. Tell your Jewish partner that you have too much self-respect to go through a fraud and farce that mocks Judaism, your own faith and yourself.

Grasp courage. For your own sake, have the will and strength to break away from a person whose character is so set that it will be excruciatingly difficult, if not impossible, to change.

Marriage with such a person will be a disaster, a guarantee of contempt: from him to you, from you to him, from you to yourself.

You are what you are. You have roots and traditions. Hold on to them. Find a partner who respects you and those roots, who can share them with you and would never dream of having you mock and degrade those laws for the sake of pacifying in-laws.

Colophon

Asher Meth was a student at New York University in the 1980s and a regular contributor to net.religion.jewish, known for his careful reasoning and warmth. He introduced this text as coming from "a recent Jewish weekly paper" with the heading "A Letter to the Gentile Partner"; the original author is unidentified.

Meth posted this to net.religion.jewish on January 1, 1986. Message-ID: <[email protected]>.

Preserved from the Usenet archive for the Good Work Library by the New Tianmu Anglican Church, 2026.

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