by John Cha

In May 1991, the newsgroup soc.religion.eastern was hosting a lively conversation about the relative value of spiritual theory versus direct experience. A poster named Eileen Maceri had written movingly about the emptiness of mere intellectual knowledge and the transforming power of a living teacher. This post is the reply of John Cha — a graduate student in academia at Northwestern University, posting under the Zen name "Dogen" — who responded to her challenge to share lived experience rather than philosophy.

What follows is a rare document: a careful, honest account of three distinct mystical encounters across a decade, held together by a scholar's refusal to claim too much. Cha describes a Zen roshi's dharma talk that ordered his life, an unexpected theophany while reading Meister Eckhart in the middle of the night, and a vipassana breakthrough in which both the world and the observer were seen to dissolve. His concluding reflection on attachment — that clinging to spiritual experiences is no different from addiction to mundane pleasures — is a mature teaching in its own right.

The post was preserved from the Usenet archive soc.religion.eastern (May 1991), part of the early internet's most serious forum for Eastern religious thought.

Its nice to read a woman's voice on the board. This group was a tad bit too "male dominated" for my taste. As far as your observations go concerning the 'emptiness' (of course you know this is a 'good' word in Buddhist philosophy) of theoretical knowledge and the significance of a few words, if not silence, from an awakened person, I am in complete agreement with you. My profession being academia I also share some of your sentiments concerning the intellectualization of 'spiritual' matters. However, I would like to discuss with you some issues regarding 'experience' vs. 'theory'. Since you value experience over words let me relate to you some of my own personal encounters with... I don't know what to call IT. You have to understand that I am more than a bit reluctant to talk about this, that is why all of my postings have been 'philosophical' in nature. You'll understand why at the end of this posting.

There are three experiences I would like to share with you.

The First Awakening — A Zen Roshi in New York

The first happened in the summer of '81 when I had my first meeting with an authentic Zen roshi, during a vacation in N.Y. I've always been interested in Zen and meditation in general, and meditated on my own for a few years. But meeting him had a profound impact on me. In short, after giving instructions on zazen and an hour of sitting, his dharma talk literally cut to my bones. All he conveyed was the fact that "your nose is vertical, eyes horizontal. When it rains you get wet. Nothing special." It doesn't take a rocket scientist to say this, but his words conveyed a depth of meaning... I think you understand. My life up till then was in a state of general confusion; after my vacation in N.Y. I let my life be, and it naturally ordered itself.

The Second Awakening — Meister Eckhart at Midnight

The second occurred three years ago while I was reading some essays by the Christian mystic Meister Eckhart. During the middle of the night I suddenly felt a strange sensation of being overpowered by an otherness. The intensity reached a point where I felt every fiber of my being vibrating with bliss. I realized the utter depravity of my 'self' (oddly this was a positive experience) in the light of this higher power. There was only overpowering love in which I could accept myself completely as I was, as well as all other people (especially those I disliked). The only thing that came to mind was "grace", "faith", "gift from God" — from someone who didn't believe! Again words do no justice.

The Third Awakening — Vipassana and the Dissolving World

The third occurred about a year after that when I tried a different method of meditation: vipassana, or insight meditation. This time I had no teacher, but I read several books on this and went into a strict training regiment. After about a week, I felt a new level of awareness arise; the material world lost its substantiality, all phenomena were literally changing moment to moment. As I observed this transiency I also 'realized' that the observer itself was changing; there was nothing that wasn't affected by the "law of transiency." My dreams were also affected (I usually don't remember them); usually I was sitting in the middle of a stone house which began to melt. At first I was extremely frightened, but then as I let go of any resistance 'I' started to melt, which was ironically a liberating, and peaceful experience.

In all three cases the feeling of peacefulness and well-being lasted for a couple of weeks. What was most evident was the sensation of absolute security, that I could have total trust in the world moment to moment. Ever since my N.Y. vacation I've been having experiences of unexplained happiness and insights coming at me from out of the blue (not that my life was trouble free; but troubles took on a different significance) periodically.

On Not Clinging to Experience

What does this all mean? Let's take two radically different explanations of this.

The skeptic: Maybe because of some unfulfilled psychological needs I somehow induced these states of mind. In reality there is a reasonable explanation to all this. If this is the case then I should let these experiences go because they are symptoms of a troubled or escapist mindset.

The romanticist: Maybe I have stumbled across something "truly spiritual" and these experiences are indicative of ultimate reality encroaching upon my mind/body complex. These awakenings are a series of 'purifications' needed to prepare my being for some greater insight. If this is the case then I'd better let these experiences go because holding on to them is only a product of a selfish need for more experiences.

I hold neither of the opinions above, in fact I have no opinions about them at all (well, I do attribute some positive effects on my life to them). The point is where are my experiences now? If I keep them — i.e., develop an attachment to them — and pursue further experiences like them, this is the same mind state as when I want to repeat any 'mundane pleasure' be it drink, sex, etc. Attachment is attachment; so instead of talking about experiences can we be mindful of the flow of experiences be they profound awakenings or just the touch sensation of fingers on the keyboard?

I don't want to degrade spiritual experiences, but attachment to them (or attachment to spiritual teachers who give one a sense of peace) can be just as dangerous as addiction to alcohol (I speak from — almost — first hand experience, I have a friend who had a mental breakdown from this).

As a final note, let me be clear that I do believe some 'wiser' beings than ourselves can positively influence our life. If you have found a teacher or tradition that speaks to you, more power to you. But you must ask yourselves: are you wearing your tradition like a jacket? Or as a Zen teacher said, "Don't stink of Zen!"

Colophon

Written by John Cha, posting under the Zen name "Dogen," then a graduate student at Northwestern University. Posted to the Usenet newsgroup soc.religion.eastern on 25 May 1991. The post was written in reply to Eileen Maceri's post on the value of direct experience over theory.

The three experiences described — the Zen roshi encounter (1981), the Meister Eckhart theophany (c.1988), and the vipassana breakthrough (c.1989) — represent a decade of sincere spiritual practice outside any formal tradition. The closing reflection on non-attachment to spiritual experience stands independently as a mature teaching.

Preserved from the Usenet archive for the Good Work Library by the New Tianmu Anglican Church, 2026. Original Message-ID: [email protected]

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