by Ray Levasseur

In August 1985, as a first-time participant in Usenet's net.religion newsgroup, Ray Levasseur — a Digital Equipment Corporation administrator — shared a spiritual account that stood apart from the theoretical debates around him. Where others were arguing about entropy, Nietzsche, and the "Damager-God," Levasseur wrote from the inside of a life changed by faith: the strict Catholic upbringing that left him a "God Hater," the crisis of a dying father and a failing marriage, the breakdown, the pastoral counselor who helped him find his way back, and the slow realization that God — as he had come to experience it — was less about punishment than about love.

The post is a classic of the form: direct in style, completely honest in content, written by someone who had never posted to a newsgroup before and who simply wanted to share what he had learned. In 1985, the internet was still overwhelmingly male, white, and technically educated — which made posts like this, from an older DEC administrator speaking from personal spiritual experience, relatively rare and all the more valuable as a record of the inner life of the early internet.

I have never posted to this group before but have been casually reading it for the past few weeks. I would like to share what I believe God has become to me. I see a lot of Agnostic as well as Fundamentalist dogma being passed back and forth across the network.

From the time I was a small boy I was a God Hater; to me he was a big bully who only punished sinners. There was no love involved from my VERY strict Catholic upbringing. The Nuns were the Marine Corps of the church as far as I was concerned and continually warned the children of the sure punishment of an eternal hell for the mischievous child. This was all back in the early 50's so I know times have changed a little in the church. The damage done to countless people by misinformed Catholic clergy back then is legion. Talk to any psychotherapist and he can tell stories of the walking wounded; some irreparably damaged by the programming they received as children.

God and I were not on speaking terms until my life reached a crisis point; my Dad was dying (we had never been close) and my marriage was falling apart. I got involved with some Fundamentalists and could only find "Condemnation" for me in their readings. I obsessively read my Bible every day until I had a breakdown. It took a very compassionate Protestant minister and therapist to help guide me back to rationality. After I started offloading the deadly burden of guilt that my upbringing placed on me I was able to view God and Jesus in a totally different light. In my youth Christ was painted as the "Man of perpetual sorrows" by my relatives and the church I attended. I grew up believing that Jesus was God's whipping boy and never understood the relationship between the Father and the son. Hell! I didn't even know the relationship between my own father and myself. The minister who gave me pastoral counseling told me to get to know my father while he was still alive and to reconcile myself with him while there was still time. This was probably the most emotional time in my life as I told him I loved him. It also was the best single therapy to release me from my ambiguous feelings. He left this world knowing that we loved each other. I was now able to have a more positive relationship with God. The Bible started taking on new meaning; especially the New Testament. I now believe that it was God working through Father Michael that got through to me.

A few years back I read a book titled "The Man Nobody Knew" about the life of Jesus. The book got lost and I cannot remember the author's name. Whoever the author was must have had a personal relationship with Christ because he became much more of a real person to me. God came here in the flesh to talk to us and re-affirm that he was the true Christ. He also came to experience life as a man with all its pain and sorrow, but also its joys. Jesus loved people and being with them, he wanted them well. I once saw a picture of Christ, clutching at his robe, laughing with tears rolling down his face. Some people took this as sacrilege but I'd rather believe that he did also laugh with us. My church painted him up as an eternal sourpuss while here but I see him as different.

I gave up praying to saints, the dead and statues in favor of to him directly. Sometimes my prayers are answered, sometimes not (the answer is no!). When my prayers are answered I know that it's not coincidence. When I was a kid my prayers were gimme gimme gimme — God doesn't work that way! I don't attend any given church on a regular basis, religion has become a personal thing with me, but when I do it's usually a Protestant church. There seems to be so much more a sense of Christian community than the more sterile Catholic masses I grew up with.

I've seen some comments that we're just a natural evolution in the universe and that God did not create us. If we're the greatest thing there is and were not created by a much higher power, then we're in a lot of trouble! I now look around me at the beauty of nature and say to myself, man didn't do this and it was no accident or fluke! A lot of thought had to be behind the orderliness of nature and the universe, much more than man can muster up with his little imagination. I just believe we were put here in our temporary little home and will be held accountable for how we treat it and each other. We're doing our best to destroy both. I find the book of Revelations kind of frightening since a lot of it hits home in today's world; just look at the Middle East, the Holy Land.

I used to put so much stock in material things and the word of other men. I'm starting to put much less faith in the material world; people lie, cheat, and steal while smiling to your face. I can see more now how imperfect we all are. Our manmade machinery wears out and rusts, our structures fall victim to the whims of nature, floods, earthquakes, etc. In some way it's God's way of reminding us, "Hey Kiddies, that's not all there is. Earth ain't forever so you'd better start acknowledging the source of all these temporary gifts and give thanks while you can."

As far as money goes, don't get me wrong, I enjoy the rewards that my salary brings in but that's not all there is. As I grow older I see more and more greed. Everything boils down to profit margins and people are expendable as far as the almighty dollar goes; it really makes me sick! I'd rather not be a rich man but appreciate the little that I have. The world to me seems to be getting more and more disordered as we become more self centered as people. I'm only 38 and have seen less and less altruistic acts than when I was younger. I may be wrong.

Finally on the glory of God. When I was young I was instructed to pray for anything for God's greater glory as well as my own benefit. I never understood what it meant to me until a few years ago. We're all given natural gifts which we can either develop or let atrophy. Someone who becomes a great composer, artist, healer or any other positive contributor to mankind also magnifies God's glory; we make him look good and don't even realize it. Our greatness is only an outgrowth of God's. Should I thank man for a new miracle vaccine? No! The real thanks should go to God for putting this person here and giving him the talent needed to do the research. One gift (although sometimes misused) which I find myself thanking the Lord for giving us a lot is music. It's one of the nicest common languages we can all share. Just some thoughts I've been meaning to share.

Yeah I'm a sinner and ain't perfect and I ain't bragging about it.

Colophon

Written by Ray Levasseur, EMD & S Admin, Digital Equipment Corporation, and posted to the Usenet newsgroup net.religion on August 22, 1985. Original Message-ID: [email protected].

The post was Levasseur's first contribution to any newsgroup. In a forum dominated by theological debate and philosophical argument, it offered something rarer: a first-person account of spiritual transformation, grounded in the specific experiences of a man who had grown up under harsh Catholic discipline, lost his faith, hit bottom, and found his way back to a God he could live with.

Preserved from the Usenet archive for the Good Work Library by the New Tianmu Anglican Church, 2026.

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