斬鬼傳 — by the Mist-and-Clouds Wanderer (Liu Zhang), in four fascicles and ten chapters

The Tale of Slaying Ghosts (Zhan gui zhuan, c. 1701) is the founding classic of Chinese satirical fiction about Zhong Kui, the ugly god who quells demons. Its premise is a theological joke with teeth: when the wronged scholar Zhong Kui arrives in hell to begin his demon-hunting, King Yama tells him hell's ghosts are all well administered — the unmanaged ghosts are the living. "Let the square inch of the heart be upright, and a ghost may become a god; let it be crooked, and a human is already a ghost." Armed with a register of thirty-eight vice-ghosts — the Windbag, the Bigshot, the Pennypinch, the Brazenface, the Clingvine, the Hungry Ghost of Lust — with two wronged talents for officers, the all-knowing White Ze beast (a penitent traitor) for a mount, and a bowl-sized bat for a guide, Zhong Kui campaigns through a world where the weapons are cringe itself and the monsters are your neighbors. Along the way the novel invents an origin for the famous "Five Ghosts Baiting Zhong Kui" of painting and opera, borrows the hero of the Carnal Prayer Mat for a cameo coffin, out-argues the Eight Immortals of Wine, and ends on the most self-undoing plaque in Chinese fiction. The author, Liu Zhang of Yangqu in Shanxi (styled the Mist-and-Clouds Wanderer), salts the ghost-names with his native dialect; his register runs from courtroom parody to bawdy farce to genuinely stately prose. This is a complete translation, made directly from the Chinese; the full source text follows the English.

Contents

• Chapter One — In the Hall of Golden Bells, Seeking Glory He Finds Disaster; In the Halls of Fengdu, a Ghost Discourses on Humankind
• Chapter Two — Telling Their Griefs, the Two Gods Share One Anger; Flaunting His Might, Three Ghosts Brag as One
• Chapter Three — Marshal Xian by Stratagem Rescues Match-for-Xishi; Vanguard Fu Shoots Arrows at the Brazenface Ghost
• Chapter Four — For Filthiness, Like Hearts Seek Out a Rare Worthy; Over Pennies, Bosom Friends Become Sworn Foes
• Chapter Five — Forgetting a Father's Feud, They Swear Fast Friendship; Buying an Office, He Loses the Family Fortune Instead
• Chapter Six — He Swindles Men, and Men Claw Him Back; The Fib-Flinger Teaches a Ghost to Filch Corpses
• Chapter Seven — Over Fragrant Cups Two Men Admire the Bright Moon; Offering Fine Wine, Five Ghosts Bait Zhong Kui
• Chapter Eight — At Wake-to-Emptiness Hermitage He Is Slow to Slay the Black-Eye Ghost; In Flower-Smoke Fort He Shrewdly Invites the White-Browed God
• Chapter Nine — Loving Lust, He Shifts Three Lodgings by Stealth; Craving the Cup, He Wrongly Fetches the Immortals
• Chapter Ten — The Goblin-Air Swept Clean, Goggle-Glare Goes Home to Hell; Merit and Practice Full, Zhong Kui Ascends to Heaven
• Source Text

Chapter One — In the Hall of Golden Bells, Seeking Glory He Finds Disaster; In the Halls of Fengdu, a Ghost Discourses on Humankind

What's to be done with this watered-down world?
A thousand freak-shapes hatch out of the heart.
You thought the dark courts held all the souls there are —
you never guessed how many ghosts walk among the living.
An idle brush, the slow wearing of days —
how should any man escape his demon?
If ever the goblin-shapes are to be mended,
keep the blue blade always ground upon the stone.

This little song says only this: at their first birth, all people alike are endowed with the Three Powers and share the Five Phases — where is there any difference between them? It is after birth that custom soaks them and temperament pens them in, until each is warped his own way. The talent-flaunter slides into flippancy; the honest fellow slides into pedantry. And then there is the miser who won't part with half a copper, and the bigshot with a mouthful of wild invention. Queer forms and strange shapes, ghost-airs and goblin-vapors, kind after kind — and since people have gone half ghost in form, everyone now goes by some ghost of a nickname. The broad sky and the shining sun have come to look one half like the courts of the dead. Is it a thing to sigh over, or is it not? Your humble servant has therefore devised a method for melting demons, to give you gentlemen a bracing rub — and rinse your eyes awake.

Our story tells that in the Tang dynasty, on Zhongnan Mountain, there lived a licentiate scholar, surnamed Zhong, named Kui, styled Zhengnan. He was born with a leopard's head and ring-round eyes, an iron face and a curling beard — ugly and fearsome to a wonder. But who would have known: though his outside fell short, the talent within ran over. When his brush moved, every page was brocade; where his ink walked, every character was a pearl. And he was upright from birth, fearing no crooked thing.

It was just then that Emperor Dezong of Tang had mounted the throne, and the year of the great examination had come. This Zhong Kui took leave of kin and friends and set out to sit for it — eating when hungry, drinking when dry, lodging by night and walking from dawn, as one must on the road. One day he arrived at Chang'an. Truly, a capital worthy of the name! And how did it look? Behold:

Mount Hua bowing in homage; the river Wei winding round. Palaces and halls, towering, thrusting past the clouds; terrace on terrace, ranged between the hills and waters. The officials in brocade robes and vermilion slippers — dazzling, truly, to behold; the scholars in loose sashes and light furs — imposing figures, every one. Shoulder rubbing shoulder, back scraping back: mostly the tribe of name-and-profit. Straining their strength, wearying their hearts: half of them merchants and farmers. Yellow-beaked little boys wrestle somersaults on the flat ground; white-haired old men sit idle on the sunny slope, gabbing at their ease.

Zhong Kui looked and could not look his fill, savored it and had savor to spare, and so came to the door of an inn. The inn's Number Two took one look and jumped: "Folk come and folk go here — I couldn't count how many I've seen. How comes this gentleman to be born so ugly?" Zhong Kui laughed: "Look again, friend — my face is wicked, but my heart is kind. Quick now, make up a clean room where I can rest and ready myself for the examination hall." So Number Two settled Zhong Kui in and laid out the evening meal, and Zhong Kui ate it.

Then up came the attendant clerk, Zhao Dingyuan, to report: "For the purchase of your examination papers tomorrow: two taels of silver, if you please." Zhong Kui said: "How does it come to that much?" Clerk Zhao said: "Standing custom, sir, every year: the paper itself, one tael two mace; inscribing the cover, one mace; submitting the paper, five mace; the binding-fee, two mace — two taels in all, sir." So Zhong Kui opened his baggage, weighed out two taels of snowflake-white silver, and handed it to Zhao Dingyuan. Zhao took the silver and said: "Tomorrow we file your papers; the day after, be ready to enter the hall. Your honor must not be late." Zhong Kui nodded and gave his word. And so the night passed.

Next day he rose, filed his documents at the Board of Rites, and walking out upon the crossing of the ten streets he saw a knot of people ringed around a physiognomist, holding forth upon faces. Zhong Kui squeezed in among the crowd. And what did this gentleman look like? Eyes like the bright moon; a mouth like a hanging river. Eyes like the bright moon: one glance at your brows and loyal or treacherous stood revealed. A mouth like a hanging river: when he discoursed, gods and ghosts alike took fright. On his head a turned-corner scholar's kerchief — the very likeness, you would swear, of Guo Linzong; on his feet a pair of close-heeled vermilion slippers — for all the world like Zhang Guolao. His black-shelled fan jabbed east and swept west; his sash of yellow floss trailed before and bound behind. Once he read the faces of generals and ministers by the Two Rivers; now he comes here to pick out heroes.

This gentleman was none other than Yuan Youchuan, great-great-grandson of Yuan Tiangang himself, come to talk faces here because the great examination was at hand. Zhong Kui waited until the crowd had all been read and the master had a moment's leisure, then stepped forward and said: "I'll trouble the master for a reading too." The master raised his head and looked — and there stood Zhong Kui, awful in his majesty, imposing in his person. He hummed to himself within: "Half a day I've been reading faces here — all middling mediocrities, not one talent above the herd. But this one comes exceeding strange!" So he fixed his eyes and studied him a good while, then asked: "Your honored surname and great name, sir?" — "My surname is Zhong, my name Kui, and I am come expressly for your teaching." The master said: "Sir: your heaven-court is full, your earth-pavilion square and round, and your two temples bow toward the Orchid Terrace — the marks of great nobility, no question. Only — there is a black vapor sitting in the seal-hall between your brows. Within ten days a great calamity must come. I beg your honor: walk carefully." Zhong Kui said: "The superior man asks after misfortune, not after fortune. A true man in this world need only walk straight and stand upright; as for life and death, disaster and blessing — he hears Heaven's will and that is all. What is there in that to fear?" He raised his joined hands in thanks to Master Yuan, and strolled away.

Next day he entered the hall, filing in with the stream. Now the Tang chose its men otherwise than the Han: the Han took scholars for filial piety and probity, the Tang took them for poems and rhapsodies. Zhong Kui received his topics: five court-poems on "Awaiting the Banquet at Yingzhou," and one rhapsody, "The Parrot." He lifted his brush and, without pausing to think, swept them off at a stroke — truly a chiming of gold and a ringing of jade, a text that needed not one dot of correction. He read it over once from the top, was pleased with himself, handed in his paper, and left the hall.

And who, do you ask, presided over that examination? The chief examiner was Han Yu, Left Vice-Minister of the Board of Personnel; the deputy was the academician Lu Zhi. The two of them, one in heart and joined in strength, meant to pluck out true talent for the court. But alas — paper after paper, it was either mediocre-musty-insufferable, or loose-and-lawless; there were those who couldn't tell level tone from oblique and knew nothing of rhyme, and those who gabbled whatever came, without one character sound. Here and there a passable line — and passable was all it was. The two of them laughed till their eyes swelled and their mouths went crooked, then knit their brows and sighed: "With talent like this, what is to be done?" — when suddenly they came to Zhong Kui's paper, and for joy their four hands slapped the table as with one voice they cried: "A prodigy! A prodigy! Since Li Bai and Du Fu there has been but this one man! Fresh, clean, heroic, easy — the body of it greatly elegant — the manner of High Tang stands here before us again!" They read it and read it again, praised it and praised it more, ranked him first of the tribute-scholars, and waited only for Emperor Dezong to call the roll in the golden hall — a joy, they thought, for a sage age that has found its man.

That day, at the fifth drum, court was convened, and truly it was the imperial style, all in perfect order. Behold: a golden hall of nine bays, and ranged upon it the bright axes and shining maces; two files of court chambers, and seated within them the blue insignia and purple ribbons. The imperial music sounded together; where the blinds rolled up, incense-smoke curled and coiled, and dim within it the phoenix eyes, the dragon poise. Three cracks of the golden whip; as the ranks formed, the gauze caps fluttered thick — every man a yuan-bird in file, a swan at attention. The generals of the hall-guard glared their strange round eyes; the white elephants at the gates bared each their pair of great tusks. As the verse says:

The ninefold gates of heaven open on palace and hall;
the robes and caps of ten thousand lands bow to the tasseled crown.

Zhong Kui and the rest lay prostrate on the golden stair, not daring to look up. Then they heard the herald of the Court of State Ceremonial cry in a high voice: First rank, first name: Zhong Kui! The presenting officer led Zhong Kui to kneel before the golden hall. Emperor Dezong lifted his dragon gaze, opened his phoenix eyes, took one look at Zhong Kui — and was greatly displeased. "Our dynasty chooses its men on person, speech, hand, and judgment. With a freak's face like that, how shall he be First Scholar?"

Han Yu, seeing the dragon countenance displeased, prostrated himself and memorialized: "Your servants' office is the weighing of letters: we may read the papers, we may not read the men. This man's poems and rhapsodies are line upon line of chiming jade, page upon page of brocade. Your Majesty must not, for the man, cast away the talent. And the worth of talent never did lie in the face. Yan Ying was short of stature, yet he was minister to Qi; Zhou Chang stammered, yet he was a stay to Han. And if it is to go by faces — why, our own dynasty's Zhang Yizhi and Zhang Changzong: are they not mirror enough? The Sage himself said: By taking men at their looks, I lost Ziyu. May Your Majesty weigh it deeply!"

Dezong said: "What you say is so — and yet. In the time of Our ancestor Taizong, the Eighteen Scholars ascended Yingzhou, and it is told for a beautiful thing to this day. If We make this man First Scholar, will not the people of the four seas all laugh that We cannot tell talent when We see it?"

The words were not yet done when out from the ranks slid the Chancellor, Lu Qi — cap and tablet, jade belt and python robe — who prostrated himself and memorialized: "Your Majesty's words are exactly true. A First Scholar must be whole within and without. Among three hundred names, is there any shortage of men? Why not simply choose another, and spare the sage heart its pacing?"

Zhong Kui heard it and rage took him. He leapt up: "Men say Lu Qi is a treacherous villain — today I see it is true!" — and up went his audience-tablet, and he struck.

Then was the Hall of Golden Bells set in an uproar and the order of the court turned to riot. Emperor Dezong's dragon countenance blazed; he bellowed for the gold-mace guards to take Zhong Kui down. Zhong Kui, in a fury fit to burst like thunder, snatched the treasure-sword from the waist of Hun Jian, general of the hall-guard, and cut his own throat, and died. Dezong was struck staring-dumb; the assembled officials' faces went the color of clay.

Then Lu Zhi, his breast brimmed up with wrath, came forward and memorialized: "The Chancellor, who cannot cherish talent, has murdered it instead! He says Zhong Kui is too ugly-evil to be First Scholar. But this Lu Qi goes about this very day under the name of the Blue-Faced Ghost — and HE may be Chancellor? Treachery and crookedness are the ruin of the state; the crime is past all pardon. May Your Majesty look into it!" And Dezong, at this, was like a man chewing a Chinese olive — only slowly did the taste come back to him. He said: "We were unclear for a moment. What you say is right." So he sent Lu Qi in banishment beyond the passes, to make the crime of envy answer for itself; and he enfeoffed Zhong Kui as Great Spirit Who Drives Out Demons, to range the whole realm under heaven cutting down the crooked and uncanny — and had him buried, moreover, with the robes and rank of First Scholar. At that the assembled officials rejoiced at last, and all cried ten-thousand-years; Dezong withdrew from court; and there we leave it.

Now tell we of Zhong Kui, who received his title, made his thanks-for-grace in the empty air, took up his treasure-blade, thrust his tablet in his sash, and went drifting, drifting away toward the southeast. When he had walked a good long while, far off he saw a walled city, most grim and perilous of aspect. Behold:

A dark wind moaning, moaning; black fog spreading wide. In the dark wind, as if you heard the sound of wailing; in the black fog, as if you glimpsed the shapes of goblin things. Cangued and chained, all crying: when shall we be quit of the Hill of Shades? Sawn at the frame: who knows the hour we leave the sea of bitterness? Mulian's mother leans aslant at the prison mouth, watching for her boy; Jia Chong's wife sits stupefied by the Naihe, waiting for her man. Ox-Head and Horse-Face crowd Cao the Traitor past; the Mourning-Gate and the Hanging Visitor drag Wang Mang back again. As the verse says:

The crooked crew are seen no more among the living —
the courts of earth are stacked with men repaying crimes.

While Zhong Kui stood gazing, a judge of the dead came flying with two ghost-lictors, and hailed him in a high voice: "Soul of what quarter are you? What business brings you to our city of Fengdu? Speak it plainly, quick, and we'll let you pass." Zhong Kui looked at this judge — and he was the very image of himself! The same soft-winged gauze cap on his head; the same flesh-red round-collared robe; the same great belt of rhinoceros horn; the same pair of skew-toed black boots; the same full whisker-drowned jaw; the same pair of round lamp-flame eyes. In his left hand the Register of Good and Evil; in his right, the Brush of Life and Death — only, he wore no sword. Zhong Kui thought within himself: "Strange! Strange! Can it be this man too died swallowing a wrong, like me?" — and said to the judge: "My surname is Zhong, my name Kui; I stood First Scholar of the Tang. But because the Son of Heaven took men at their faces and not at their letters, and Lu Qi flattered him beside, and they would have cast me out — I died of my anger. The Tang Son of Heaven, pitying my bitter death, has made me Great Spirit Who Drives Out Demons, to range all under heaven cutting down the crooked. Now I reckon the crooked are nowhere so many as in your Fengdu; so, being come, I'll trouble you to announce me to King Yama, that he may point them out, and I may drive them out, and not fail the Tang Son of Heaven's meaning in enfeoffing me."

The judge, hearing this, stood aside with folded hands at the road's edge: "I did not know your honored godhead was come — I have failed of a far welcome, and was rude besides just now: I beg your pardon! If your godhead would see King Yama, this little judge will run and announce you at once." He took leave of Zhong Kui and flew at a run to the Hall of Senluo: "Your small judge, keeping the gate of Fengdu — suddenly there comes one calling himself First Scholar of the Tang, surnamed Zhong, named Kui; the Tang king misliked his ugly face; he cut his own throat and died; the Tang king has made him Great Spirit Who Drives Out Demons; now he is come expressly to slay ghosts, and asks to see the Great King." King Yama had long since known the whole of it, beginning to end, and said: "Pray him come in!"

So the judge went out to welcome Zhong Kui. Within the great gate, ranged on both sides, were none but glowering wicked ghosts. And when he came up into the hall, he saw hung on the pillars a couplet, which read:

Don't play your tricks: illusion-dream, empty flower — look, look here before your eyes: real, or not real? Your cunning is wasted labor.
Don't be so bold: molten copper, well-cooked iron — rub, rub the place over your heart: afraid, or not afraid? Think it over with care.

King Yama came down from his seat to receive him; Zhong Kui bent his body in a bow; King Yama raised him with both hands and set him in a seat, and asked: "What instruction brings your godhead here?" Zhong Kui said: "I bear the Tang Son of Heaven's command to cut down the crooked wherever they be. I reckoned the crooked must be many in this place — I humbly beg you point me out a few." King Yama said: "Crooked things in our dark office are many indeed — but they are all poison-swallowed ghosts, rope's-end ghosts, drowned ghosts, starved ghosts. Ghosts aplenty — but the gods who administer them are not few either. Besides what this lonely king manages himself, there are King Qinguang, and King of the Chu River, King Songdi, King of the Five Offices, King Biancheng, King of Mount Tai, King Pingkang, King of the Turning Wheel; and the Three Bureaus of the Left and the Three Bureaus of the Right, and the Seventy-Two Offices. Not one stray soul dares make mischief here. If your godhead would slay the crooked — it is the world of the living that has the most of them. Why not go cut them down there?"

Zhong Kui heard this and laughed aloud: "The world of the living lies under the broad sky and the shining sun, and the King's law binds it besides. How should that crew find standing-room there?"

King Yama said: "Your godhead knows the one half and not the other. The dividing of humans from ghosts lies wholly within the square inch of the heart. Let the square inch be upright, and a ghost may become a god. Let the square inch be crooked, and a human is already a ghost. Has your godhead not seen: the loyal ministers and filial sons of old — when were they not honored as gods, though ghosts? And as for the likes of Cao the Traitor — dark-hearted past all sounding — could you call such a thing a man?" Zhong Kui heard it, and it broke on him all at once like light: "True! True! But what are the names and titles of ghosts of that kind?"

King Yama's face grew grave: "That kind of ghost is the hardest of all to deal with. Would you proceed against them by the King's law? — they bear no name of any crime. Would you show them forth by retribution? — they present no form of any offense. I have sent ghost-runners to examine them: mostly they are sins soaked in by habit until habit became nature." He called the judge to bring the register of that kind of ghost for the Great Spirit to look over. The judge handed it up; Zhong Kui spread it open; and what stood written there was all ghosts of this sort:

the Windbag Ghost, the Phony Ghost, the Treacher Ghost, the Bigshot Ghost, the Harum-Scarum Ghost, the Dreg-Scraper Ghost, the Pennypinch Ghost, the Beggar Ghost, the Ground-Slink Ghost, the Street-Bawler Ghost, the Corpse-Filcher Ghost, the Tacky Ghost, the Deadbeat Ghost, the Brazenface Ghost, the Drip Ghost, the Beg-for-It Ghost, the Hurry-Scurry Ghost, the Bowl-Player Ghost, the Lickspittle Ghost, the Plague-Met Ghost, the Gasbag Ghost, the Flippant Ghost, the Clingvine Ghost, the Black-Eye Ghost, the Filth Ghost, the Warmed-Corpse Ghost, the Unversed Ghost, the Swindle Ghost, the Quick-Welsher Ghost, the Heartsick Ghost, the Dead-Drunk Ghost, the Skinflint Ghost, the Slickster Ghost, the Put-Off Ghost, the Fib-Flinger Ghost, the Side-Eye Ghost, the Wall-Scaler Ghost, and the Hungry Ghost of Lust — and at the very end of all, the Great King Goggle-Glare.

Zhong Kui read it through and cried in astonishment: "I never dreamed the world held such a crew of ghost-things! And where are they now?" King Yama said: "They have no fixed abode. In the main: where places are rich and bustling, the Bigshot and Dirt-Digger sort abound; where places are mean and rustic, the Filth and Pennypinch two kinds are thickest. The rest are scattered to the four quarters with no settled track at all. Let your godhead root them out as occasion serves. But the rooting-out must not be all of one measure: slay those that must be slain; win over those that can be won; always weigh the lightness or weight of the case and measure the greatness or smallness of the crime. It rests in your godhead's own weighing hand."

Zhong Kui said: "So be it. Yet consider: the ghosts of the dark world have the Ten Kings Yama to govern them, with the Left and Right Bureaus to help; but the ghosts of the living world are committed to this one small god alone. I do fear one man's strength will not bear it up. What then?" King Yama said: "This lonely king keeps two heroes here — one called Xian Yuan, one called Fu Qu — the one of civil, the other of martial talent. These two may be sent under your hand; and I will issue besides three hundred shade-soldiers for the two of them to lead, to swell your godhead's majesty. How say you?" Zhong Kui said: "Nothing could be better. My thanks for the kindness!"

So King Yama summoned Xian and Fu in haste to the hall to hear the decree, and the two prostrated themselves before it. Zhong Kui raised his eyes to look — and what did this Xian Yuan look like? On his head a scholar's kerchief — reckon the head-grease at half a catty full; on his body a scholar's gown — say the dust and grime would kill you three pecks short. A belly stuffed with essays — that alas will not boil when a man is hungry. A breast crammed with the vast free breath of righteousness — good for nothing but long sighs in hard places. His kin and friends turn up white eyes at him and call the sour scholar bone-cheap; his wife and concubine, past enduring, say their lord and master has gone contrary. As the verse says:

A cat out of luck can't learn to be a tiger;
a molted parrot ranks below a hen.

Zhong Kui looked at Xian Yuan, then looked at Fu Qu — another matter altogether! Behold: bearing hard and stubborn, features strange and antique; wolf's waist, tiger's trunk, a thousand catties of strength in his two arms; sea-wide, sky-empty, not half a speck of private self in his one heart. A body that could hoist the great tripod — only there is no tripod to hoist. Spirit that could ram the sky — but what's to be done when there's a sky in the way? A cracked bow and snapped arrows — hardly things to flourish before company; the Three Stratagems and Six Tomes — come down to war on paper only. As the verse says:

A hero's heart would set the hills and rivers firm;
thin fate can't dodge the men who grease the wheels.

King Yama said to Zhong Kui: "How do these two strike your godhead?" Zhong Kui said: "Civil counsel and martial craft — I reckon them sound. These two are enough. Only — this small god has no steed to ride, and that too sits ill with dignity." King Yama pondered a while, then said: "No hard matter either. In our Hill of Shades there is a White Ze beast. In his former life he was Bo Pi of the kingdom of Wu — for his treachery, and for doing Wu Zixu to death after, he was banished to the Hill of Shades and changed into a White Ze. These several hundred years he has chewed his own fault, and has a true mind to quit the crooked and come home to the straight. This beast may serve your godhead for a mount; and on the day the work is done, he too may rise to heaven." So he bade the ghost-lictors lead the White Ze in, and gave his charge: "Bo Pi! Beast though you are for a man, you keep something of a heart. You may bear the Great Spirit Who Drives Out Demons, and build merit and raise works, and repent the sins of your former life." And the White Ze wagged his head and swung his tail, with every look of glad willingness to be off.

Then Zhong Kui rose and thanked King Yama; and his thanks made, he leapt astride the White Ze, took up his treasure-sword, thrust his tablet in his sash; Xian and Fu mounted their chargers likewise; and with three hundred shade-soldiers, in grand array, they came marching toward the world of the living.

Past the City of Those Dead in Vain they went — and there on the Naihe Bridge, the Bridge of No Help, stood a small ghost, barring Zhong Kui's road, who bawled: "Demon-god of what quarter are you, that dares pass over our Naihe Bridge?" Zhong Kui was wroth: "The Tang Son of Heaven made me a god; King Yama lent me soldiers and captains — what thing are you, to bar the road so boldly?" The little ghost heard that and said: "Oh! — so it is an honored god. Dare I ask where your godhead is bound?" — "I bear the Tang Son of Heaven's command to range all under heaven, cutting down the crooked." The little ghost said: "If your godhead would range all under heaven — I beg to follow along!" — "And what can you do, that you should follow me?" The little ghost said: "Report to your godhead: this ghost-shape of mine I only just put on. My original body was a mole in the fields. Once I laid a wager with a wren: he would nest over the whole forest, I would drink the Naihe dry. Who knew — all his nesting came to one branch, and all my drinking came to one bellyful. But from the time I drank that water, two wings sprouted at my sides and I changed into a bat. And wherever there are ghosts — I alone can smell them out. If your godhead means to slay the crooked, I gladly serve as guide."

Zhong Kui heard it with great joy: "A guide is the very thing I lack! Show me your original shape and let me see." The little ghost took his original body and flew on ahead — and truly, a fine bat as big as a bowl! Zhong Kui was mightily pleased, and fixing on the bat, went bounding forward. And this was ever the way of it:

Goblins knit their brows: crane-cry and wind-sough, all are captains;
demons burst their gall: hill, stream, grass, tree — the whole world turned to soldiers.

If you would know how, come to the living world, he set about his ghost-slaying — hear the next chapter tell.

Chapter Two — Telling Their Griefs, the Two Gods Share One Anger; Flaunting His Might, Three Ghosts Brag as One

The lyric says:

Spare me the talk of Ziyun's talent —
no one to help him on, the will burnt gray.
Where has Lord Tian gone, for whom the sword-hilt rang?
Sorrow on sorrow the telling runs, and heartsick tears brim down the cheeks.
Cold eyes are afraid to open:
the whole view's hard to look at, like a fence of stuck brushwood.
Lucky there's a wide skin to dress it all in —
gab on, Bigshot: what do you bully folk for?

— to the tune "Southern Country Boy"

Our story tells that Zhong Kui, following the bat and leading his shade-soldiers in grand array, was soon come to the world of the living. It was just then the height of spring, and all of them took on human form: peach-pink and willow-green the whole way, blue waters and clear hills. Far off, in a bend of green willows, an ancient temple showed — and the bat had already flown on ahead. Zhong Kui said: "Suppose we rest a while in that temple before we go on — what say you?" Xian and Fu agreed with one voice. As they drew near, they saw a placard hung over the temple gate, inscribed with three big characters: TEMPLE OF RARE MARVELS. And how was it built within? Behold:

Glazed tiles gleaming like green jade; vermilion-lacquered pillars sleek as cinnabar. Terraces of white-cloud stone, polished slick and smooth; bracket-arms in green oil-paint, ornamented trim and true. Under the first gate, two Vajra-guardians lean askew — teeth clenched, eyes glaring, majestic and terrible. Within the second gate sit the Four Heavenly Kings in state — one hefting a pagoda, one holding an umbrella, one cradling a pipa, one gripping a sword: imposing countenances all. Along the left, Guanyin of the Southern Sea leading the Eighteen Arhats; along the right, the Venerable Kṣitigarbha with the Ten Kings Yama in attendance. Three ancient Buddhas droop brow and lower eye upon their lotus thrones; two saṃghārāma guardians fold their hands in reverence behind the incense table. And there is Maitreya Buddha besides, mouth agape, laughing his great ha-ha! — and standing Weituo too, mace upraised, saying never a word. The old monk sits in meditation mostly to overawe the public; the little novice, his heart not in his sutras, is sick with love.

Zhong Kui and his party went in, and the guest-prefect met them: "Honored sir, from what quarter do you grace our shabby temple?" Zhong Kui said: "We are passing by; seeing the holy precincts so stately, we came to pay our respects." So the guest-prefect led Zhong Kui to worship the Buddhas and salute the bodhisattvas, then brought him to the rear hall for an audience with the great Maitreya. When they had made the round, he was invited at last into the abbot's quarters. Tea done, the guest-prefect said: "By rights, with your worship come, we ought to lay a vegetarian table. Only — we've a new fire-tender in the kitchen, idle beyond all telling; the fast-food can't be got ready quickly, and so we hem and haw." Zhong Kui said: "This house never ate vegetarian in its life. Just buy me some meat, and draw me some wine, and that will do." Hearing that, the guest-prefect could only hurry off to buy a few slabs of cooked meat and draw a few jugs of wine, and send them in to the abbot's hall. Then Zhong Kui rolled back his sleeves, minced the meat fine with his sword, swept up his long beard, bared a great mouth, and fell to like the wolf gulping and the tiger bolting — meat with one hand, wine with the other; Xian and Fu kept him company. In a wink it was wind sweeping the last clouds; cups and platters lay in ruin.

Zhong Kui rested a little, then asked the two gods: "That day at King Yama's we left in haste, and I never asked your stories through; and on the road we were greedy for the miles. Now we're at leisure — why not tell it me plainly, that this house may understand you." Xian Yuan heaved a sigh:

"I was a poor cold scholar, no parents above me, no brothers below — solitary and bitter, chanting poems and building rhapsodies the day long. Who'd have thought the times had changed on me: I chanted down thousands upon ten-thousands of verses, and they would not sew into clothing, would not fend the cold. A rhapsody and riches are strangers: I wrote till they heaped my desk and stuffed my hampers, and they would not stand up as property, would not serve as household gear. Every day my gullet gaped like the sea, and living there was none. I was fair on my way to the bottom of poverty. I thought to lean on kin — kin could not pity me, and laughed at me instead. I thought to lean on friends — friends could not help me, and dodged me instead. At home, wife and children dripping tears without end. So I flung away my mulberry-and-catalpa home and roamed the four seas. But alas, the stranger-land was just like the old one: the dashing set found me musty, the musty set found me wild. At last my wandering brought me to the capital, and I won some regard from old master He Zhizhang. That year the great examination came round; old He passed me third in the empire, the Plucked Flower. But who'd have thought: the Chancellor Yang Guozhong wanted his own son made First Scholar, and old He, finding the boy's writing incoherent, refused to pass him. Yang Guozhong sent up a memorial saying old He had leagued in faction and read the papers crooked. The court stripped old He of office — and struck me from the rolls too. Half a life adrift, I'd found my one appreciator, and it turned to a painted cake. A fate thin as paper — what good was living? So, choking on the wrong of it, I dashed my head and died. King Yama pitied my innocence and was just about to memorialize the Court of Heaven when it happened my lord came seeking aides. Now that I serve my lord, you might say I've seen the sky and sun at last." And with that he wailed aloud and wept for grief.

Zhong Kui said: "Bitter, bitter! Your lot and mine are one and the same. Today I appoint you Marshal of the Army; when the work is done and I have memorialized the Highest Emperor, we'll ask a title for you then — how say you?" Xian Yuan, swallowing tears, bowed his thanks. But there was Fu Qu, already dropping tears where he sat. Zhong Kui said: "By the look of it, your history was a hard one too." Fu Qu wiped his eyes and said:

"I was a son of a house of generals; from a boy I loved bow and horse, and had some skill of piercing the willow-leaf at a hundred paces. But the times were cross and my luck lame: I sat the military lists again and again and never passed. Later I joined Geshu Han. That year the Tibetans rose; Geshu Han sent An Lushan to chastise them, with me in the rear division. An Lushan botched his moment and was swallowed up in the rebel ranks; it was I who flung my life aside and pulled him out. Geshu Han would have beheaded him — but he begged Lady Yang's favor, and she told the Bright Emperor: 'When a commander loses a battle, the fault is his under-officers' slacking.' So it was me they beheaded. That marvel of an injustice had nowhere under heaven to appeal. Today I have met my lord: perhaps here I may vent what is stopped up in this breast." Zhong Kui said: "Pitiful, pitiful! I made Xian Yuan Marshal of the Army: I now appoint you Vanguard Who Opens the Road — how say you?" Fu Qu flung himself down in a bow, gave thanks, and took his seat. Then the two gods asked Zhong Kui's own history, and he told it from beginning to end, and the two sighed past all sighing. As the verse says:

Let no sad man tell his sorrows to a sad man:
sorrow told to sorrow is sorrow enough to kill.

Zhong Kui slept that night in the temple. Next day he rose and was just mustering the shade-soldiers to march, when a little novice came scurrying flurried-flustered through the hall, a red visiting-card in his hand. Zhong Kui called him to a stop: "What card is that? Bring it here and let me see." The novice handed it over, and on it stood written: Your kinsman-of-the-examination-year, your obliged pupil-in-attendance ONLY-I-AM-HONORED bows his head in salute. Zhong Kui said: "And whom does this person come to salute?" The novice said: "I asked him. He says he's come to pay his respects to the ancient Buddha Maitreya in the rear hall." Zhong Kui laughed: "The idea! Is the ancient Buddha Maitreya someone a card-carrier gets to call on?" The novice said: "If your worship doubts it, he's just coming in — question him yourself and you'll have the whole of it." So Zhong Kui stepped aside to wait. And in came a man indeed. What did he look like? Behold:

Two flaring eyebrows; a pair of goggling eyes. Two flaring eyebrows — sprouting nearly at the crown of his head; a pair of goggling eyes — set, if you please, above the brow-bone. When he talks and laughs, there's sky above his face; where he meets you, there's nothing beneath his eyes. Hands dancing, feet prancing — as if all within the six directions were his to swagger in; heart brimful of self-delight — as though the world beyond the four seas could not contain him. He wears a louse-head crown — solemnly "dignifying his aspect"; he's dressed in a flea's pelt — call it "arraying his robes." Two small serving-boys bawl and bellow without cease; one lean nag that will not consent to walk slow. As the verse says:

A cat in luck is merry as a tiger;
a cricket in full pose outdoes a dragon.

Now this man had loved playing the bigshot all his life, and today he had come precisely to bigshot a swindle out of the abbot — never dreaming he would run straight into Zhong Kui. Zhong Kui watched his carriage, took in his costume, and blazed up in a fury; lifting his sword he hacked straight at his face: "You one-character-unlettered, gab-till-your-guts-snap slave! You dare bully folk so boldly?" The man only laughed his ha-ha where he stood: "And what wild man are you, from where, to cross me? Say wherein I'm unlettered — say how I bully. Speak fair and we're done; but be one hair short of fair, and you and I are not finished." Zhong Kui said: "Leave aside your usurper's cap and gown and your prancing insolence. This ancient Buddha Maitreya — a personage how august! — and you dare write him a card as 'kinsman-of-the-year, obliged pupil-in-attendance'? Is that not unlettered in writing, blind to ritual, and mighty humble-handed with yourself?"

The man said: "Don't you play the innocent. If we start on my pedigree, I fear there's a seat for me and no floor for you to stand on. This ancient Buddha Maitreya — in the old days he and I cultivated the Way on one mountain and chanted sutras in one cave. Afterward he got made Venerable of the West, and I — I was made the Southern Continent of Jambudvīpa. Above I govern heaven, below I govern earth; in honor I have no second: GRAND GENERAL WHO HOLDS UP HEAVEN AND PLANTS THE EARTH. The Three Officials, the Great Thearchs, when they see me, style themselves 'your junior.' The Ten Kings Yama, when they see me, sign themselves 'your humble officer.' As for the Twenty-Eight Mansions, the Nine Luminaries, the Dragon Kings of the Four Rivers and Five Marchmounts and the rest of that crowd — they dare not so much as look me level in the eye. Now, my card to him says 'pupil-in-attendance' only because he's a monk, so 'kinsman' proper wouldn't sit right; and I put in the word 'obliged' besides — humility on top of humility! Where is it unlettered? Whom does it bully?"

Zhong Kui, hearing this cartload of wild talk, couldn't fix what manner of man he had before him, and fearing the fellow might really have some art to him, he chewed it over a moment and could only say: "Never mind your pedigrees. But you've no troops and no officers: if I kill you now, it will look like I bullied a lone man. Go raise some soldiers, and come cross swords with me." The man laughed ha-ha: "Done and done! I'll spare you this once — it won't be too late when I come back to take you." And with that — his feet never touching the ground — off he went through the middle air.

Zhong Kui said to Xian and Fu: "That style of exit — I fear he may truly have some spirit-power, who can say?" Xian Yuan said: "Not so. There's much in this to doubt. He salutes the ancient Buddha Maitreya — but the Maitreya here is a clay image that can neither stir nor return a courtesy: what is there to salute? Doubt the first. He calls himself Grand General Who Holds Up Heaven and Plants the Earth: reckon by human dignities, and no such office is in the Register of Notables; reckon by spirit-titles, and none such stands in the Record of the Dark and Strange. Doubt the second. He says the Three Officials call him junior and the Kings Yama sign themselves his humble officers — a rank, that, of the uttermost honor: he ought to have guards of state and gods of the law attending — and it's one lean nag and two small boys. Doubt the third. Three doubts together: the man won't hold up under leaning on." Zhong Kui said: "The Marshal sees it exactly. Now — if I go hunt him down and behead him, and he does turn out to have a pedigree, I've offended the statutes of Heaven; but if I don't, I fear he'll brew mischief hereafter. What's to be done?" Xian Yuan said: "Easily handled. I'll dress as a grass-marsh physician and go make inquiries; someone is sure to know his roots. When the inquiry's solid, beheading him comes none too late." Zhong Kui said: "Sound, sound!"

So Xian Yuan put on a tall square scholar's kerchief and a water-combined Daoist gown, belted on a yellow silk cord, changed into a pair of pig-snout shoes, slung the medicine-satchel on his shoulder, took the physician's hand-bell ring in his fist, took leave of Zhong Kui, and strolled off as his feet led him. A few miles on, he saw ahead a brook of flowing water and a few drooping willows, and beneath them a little bridge with a stone rail — clean and elegant, truly. How do we know? There's a poem in proof:

Clear water, dustless, glasses the setting sun;
the east wind draws the willow-floss out long.
At leisure, alone, I sit down at the bridge-head —
and envy no man's painted lacquer bed.

Xian Yuan, walking weary, sat himself down on the bridge to take the breeze's drift and the green water's swirl. Suddenly a white-haired old man came up onto the bridge, looked him over twice, and raised joined hands: "Might you, sir, be skilled in the arts of Qi and Huang — of physic?" Xian Yuan said: "Why do you ask it, grandfather?" The old man said: "This old fellow's surname is Tong, name Feng — 'Draft-of-Wind' — styled Immortal-Root; I'm of this very village. Seventy-one this year, and no heir — only the one daughter. I don't know how it is, but of late she does nothing but run chills and tides of fever, talking to herself alone — for all the world as if a spell were on her. Dare I trouble the master to a diagnosis?" Now this was exactly the news Xian Yuan wanted — he agreed with a full mouth, and followed old Tongfeng step by step into the village. Behold:

A few thatched rooms; a run of earthen wall. By the winnowing-fan, gold hens peck for grain; on the bluff-top a white dog keeps the gate. Pumpkins and bottle-gourds do duty for bronze-censer ornaments; jujube slats and millet-ears stand in for antique paintings on the wall. In the ox-pen two bells ring the night through; in the wood a few flocks of crows brawl at the slanting sun. And there's the village lass, dark-faced, who will powder; and the old dame, tousle-headed, who loves a flower in her hair.

Old Tongfeng led Xian Yuan into his daughter's room. Xian Yuan spared no glance for the girl's looks, only bent his head and made a false show of taking her pulse. He felt it a while, then said, feigning: "Your daughter has indeed some crooked vapor on her; medicine won't avail. Now — you have here in these parts a Grand General Who Holds Up Heaven and Plants the Earth, of vast spirit-power. Why not ask him over to drive the goblin-air away? What need of us physicians?" Tongfeng said: "We've no such Grand General here — surely the master mis-remembers?" — "I saw him with my own eyes; how should I mis-remember?" — "What does he look like, then? How got up? Tell me and let me hear." So Xian Yuan told it all, one-one: the saluting of the Buddha, the face, the dress. And Tongfeng laughed: "Oh — so it's that BIGSHOT GHOST."

Xian Yuan said: "How is he the Bigshot Ghost?" Tongfeng said: "That man's name is the Bigshot Ghost — he's posterity to that man of Qi in Mencius, the one with the wife and the concubine. He had a wife and concubine too; but his wife saw through his goings-on and would not use him as a goodman ought to be used, so he threw the wife over, took the concubine, and came here to us. When first he came, that bigshot craft of his had everyone honoring him, everyone climbing to him; then bit by bit the original likeness leaked out. So now nobody in our village will own him, and he's taken to the farther parts, browbeating travelers passing through — bilking a little property here, gulling some wine and food there. You gentlemen have the upright air about you, so you didn't fall in his snare. HE — a Grand General!" Xian Yuan said: "If that's his measure, then the purple-gold crown he wears and the white-flowered robe — there'll be a story to those too?" Tongfeng said: "His costume — that tale's the best laugh yet! A while back our village held its festival-play, and wanted to stage The Three Passes Battle Lü Bu, so they hired costumes from a theater troupe. Festival done, time to return the things — and the purple-gold crown was missing. Everyone knew he'd palmed it; he denied it to the death; the festival society had to pay it off. Having fooled our village, he claps it on his head to bigshot in. And that white-flowered robe he borrowed from my own pawnshop just the other day — I'm to go dun him for it today, in fact. Where the lean nag and the two boys were swindled from, though, I couldn't tell you. He's all bigshot, all the time — and never a thought that that concubine of his starved to death in his house this very morning."

Xian Yuan, having heard this speech, had the Bigshot Ghost's whole bottom clear. He said to Tongfeng: "Old sir, I'll tell you straight. When that Bigshot Ghost went to the Temple of Rare Marvels to salute Maitreya, there was a certain Lord Zhong in the temple, commissioned to slay ghosts — and I am Lord Zhong's aide. Lord Zhong, seeing his insolence, meant to cut him down; the fellow talked himself loose with one cartload of big words. Now I'm to go cut him down after all. Old sir — since you know his tricks, I beg you teach me the way to break him." Tongfeng said: "The way to break him must be taken off his own body. His bigshotting has grown monstrous; he'll never leave off kindly, but is sure to scrape together some fellows and come contend with Lord Zhong. When the battle is joined, this old fellow will go stand on a height and cry out, loud, the news that his concubine is dead — and dun him for that robe of mine — and fling his whole root-record out in the open. His spirit will go out of him of itself, and taking him then will be no hard matter. It isn't that this old man is spiteful: I truly want this pest cleared out of our village." Xian Yuan heard it with great joy. He shouldered the satchel, took up the hand-bell, bade Tongfeng farewell — "Only be sure you come early, when the time comes!" — and went off walking and laughing, and laughed his way straight into the Temple of Rare Marvels. Zhong Kui said: "What's this great laughing? I suppose the matter's found out plain?" Xian Yuan, still laughing: "Let your small officer report it in detail" — and he told it through: the meeting with Tongfeng, the sick-call, the Bigshot Ghost, the palmed crown, the borrowed robe, all of it, item by item. Zhong Kui and Fu Qu couldn't hold their laughter in.

And right in the midst of the laughing and telling — there came the Bigshot Ghost, leading a mob of ghost-soldiers, bounding up to rail and curse before the temple. Zhong Kui heard and blazed; out the temple gate he went and spread his battle-line — Xian Yuan on the left, Fu Qu on the right, standing together beneath the banner-gate. Zhong Kui laid hand to sword and shouted: "Comes there — can it be the Bigshot Ghost?" The Bigshot Ghost startled at that, and said low to himself: "How does HE know my great title too?" — but he forced an answer: "That's no more than this Lonely One's street-name; don't trouble your lips with it. What art do you have, that you dare battle this Lonely One three hundred rounds?" Zhong Kui answered nothing at all: he spurred the White Ze, whirled his treasure-sword, and came on killing like a flight. The Bigshot Ghost met him with a single Heaven-Shading Sun-Dazzling Saber. The two went to it, coming and going, and fought a good fifty rounds with no victor.

The Bigshot Ghost was in full career of battle when suddenly a great voice called high: "BIGSHOT GHOST! That white-flowered robe you borrowed out of my pawnshop — days now, and not returned — and here you are wearing it to brawl in! Off with it, quick!" The Bigshot Ghost knew the voice for old Tongfeng's, and made as if not to hear, and fought Zhong Kui on. Then Tongfeng called again: "Bigshot Ghost! The robe's a small matter — but here's black news you should know: your fine lady starved to death in your house this morning! Go swindle a coffin to case her in!" And the Bigshot Ghost, hearing his whole curriculum called out item by item by Tongfeng, went soft in the bones and slack in the sinews, mouth agape, eyes fixed — and quick as that, Fu Qu came slanting in at the flying gallop; the Bigshot Ghost, hands too slow, was taken alive. The ghost-soldiers broke and scattered with one whoop. Tongfeng, seeing the Bigshot taken, went off content. Zhong Kui returned to the temple in victory.

Fu Qu dragged the bound Bigshot Ghost forward. Zhong Kui said: "Taken now — what's left to say?" The Bigshot Ghost said: "Only that our Empress had just passed away, and this lord's heart was heavy with mourning — THAT'S how you took me." Zhong Kui said: "I embody the Highest Emperor's heart, that loves what lives; I can't bear to kill you." — and with his sword he gouged out the fellow's two eyes, and ate them raw on the spot; then bade them loose the bonds, push him out the temple gate, and spare him — go! And the Bigshot Ghost, his life given back, could only grope and fumble his blind way off.

Now he had two sworn brothers besides: one called the Dreg-Scraper Ghost, one called the Tacky Ghost, bosom-matched with him from boyhood, voice answering voice. That day the Dreg-Scraper and the Tacky Ghost were sitting together on an Old-Faithful stone, idly talking wind-catching shadow-grabbing talk, when suddenly they saw the Bigshot come groping and feeling his way along. They cried in alarm: "Elder brother! How come you to this pass?" The Bigshot Ghost, knowing their voices, said: "Don't ask. Your old brother bigshotted day in day out, and today the bigshotting split on me. I met a certain Zhong Kui; he took me, and gouged my very eyeballs, and ate them. Lucky for your old brother he has some art in him, or he'd have been killed outright. Worthy brothers both — will you not avenge your brother?" Then he heaved a long sigh: "Two eyes short on my face, and your sister-in-law dead in my house — I've a home I can't run to and a country that won't take me in." And talking to the sore place, the three wept together, and four streams of tears ran down.

The Dreg-Scraper Ghost said: "Since we three swore brotherhood, heaven, earth, ghosts, gods, chancellors, officials — all of them have had to allow us our few degrees of face. What thing is this Zhong Kui, to dare so cheat-hearted and big-livered! Never fear him, brother — what are we brothers FOR? He wants a fight, we'll fight him; he wants a lawsuit, we'll law him. The rank old billy-goat eats willow leaves — I don't believe this sheep can climb the tree." The Tacky Ghost said: "Second brother says it right. Your little brother has some art too — afraid of HIM? Let's muster soldiers this minute, ring his Temple of Rare Marvels, and kill him till not an inch of grass is left standing. Then he'll know what our brothers' hands are worth." The Bigshot Ghost, hearing the two put out their strength for him, plucked his gall up again — and troops of ghost-soldiers were told off in earnest, and came killing toward the Temple of Rare Marvels. And how showed the war-might of those three? Behold:

Three volleys of paper-crackers shake the ground; one blast of tacky air charges the sky. Foot-binding banners and apron banners flap gallant in the wind; head-shaving razors and corn-paring knives flash glory in the sun. The Dreg-Scraper Ghost wears a purple felt crown — much good may it do him; the Tacky Ghost stands in hooped-rattan stirrups — feeling every inch the hero. And in the middle-army tent sits one with no eyes in his head — who will still keep the War Books tucked at his ribs. As the verse says: before the Temple of Rare Marvels the battleground is spread; inside Maitreya's hall the reckoning is already made.

Now tell we of Zhong Kui, laughing over the Bigshot's story with Xian and Fu, when the little monk came running, feet flying: "Master — it's bad! Calamity, calamity!" — "What calamity?" — "The Bigshot Ghost has fetched two brothers — some Dreg-Scraper Ghost and Tacky Ghost they're called — with no end of soldiers, and they've ringed the temple round like an iron cask! What's to be done?" Zhong Kui said in wrath: "I spared him — and he comes hunting ME." He caught up the treasure-sword and would have gone straight out; but Xian Yuan stepped up and stopped him: "My lord, no need for anger. As I think on it — this ghost's eyes are gouged, but his sense of shame isn't wholly dead. Let your small god go out first and reason with him a round, and teach him to mend and make himself new — that too is one method of melting demons." Zhong Kui said: "So be it; make your try. If he won't mend, I'll behead him after." So Xian Yuan mounted and rode out of the temple, calling high: "Bigshot Ghost! Come forward and answer!"

But the one who came flying forward wore a felt-kerchief crown and a short coat, a white pewter spear in his hand — and who do you think it was? The Dreg-Scraper Ghost! — who said to Xian Yuan: "You and I had no old grudge and no new feud — for what cause did you gouge my brother's eyes? Today you and I settle who dies and who lives!" — and thrust with the spear. Xian Yuan parried and said: "Stay — let me speak straight words with you. In the main: a man born into this world weighs loyalty, good faith, integrity, and shame above all. The Sage says: 'A man without good faith — I know not what he may be good for.' And Mencius says: 'Great indeed is shame to a man! He who is not ashamed of being not as good as others — how shall he ever be as good as others?' You and your crew have neither humanity, duty, integrity, nor shame: the bigshot bigshotting, the dreg-scraper scraping, the tacky one cheapening — and you take it for glory, while they that look on sicken at you. A man with a scrap of shame left would die of blushing — and you dare flare your brows and goggle your eyes and bully folk in broad day?"

But the Dreg-Scraper Ghost, with never a flush of shame, only laughed ha-ha: "Would you play Kongming cursing Wang Lang at me? The ancients say: he who knows the hour's need is the hero. You'd teach me to sit honest and keep my portion — and who'd so much as pick me up off the road? Whereas scraping as I scrape — if it's warming a man's piss, why, he'll warm it; if it's sniffing a man's farts, he'll sniff them. You keep your high manner and your self-regard — but when you see what I eat, I fear the savor sets your nostrils running oil; when you see what I wear, I fear the sight starts blood from your eyes; when you see what I spend, I fear the thought raises boils on your heart. What are 'manners' to us? — and you dare come cheat-hearted and bold to me!" This one speech set Xian Yuan's teeth itching past bearing; he could only break off, beaten, and ride back.

Zhong Kui said: "How is it the Marshal goes out once and comes straight back?" — "I don't know how it is: he talked over there, and my teeth here began to itch — truly past bearing." Fu Qu said: "Clearly that sort won't come down by words. A round of proper battle will show the high and the low of it." Zhong Kui said: "The Vanguard says right — trouble yourself to a pass." So Fu Qu buckled all trim, took his saber, mounted, and led soldiers out.

Meanwhile the Dreg-Scraper Ghost rode back to his line in triumph, feeling grander than ever, and vaunted to the Tacky Ghost. The Tacky Ghost said: "When the next one comes, I'll put out some strength for elder brother too." He was in mid-vaunt when the ghost-soldiers reported: "A general's come out!" The Tacky Ghost donned a tall lamp-cup helm, got into his quilted flower-stitched armor, took up a short corn-paring saber, and charged out of the line. Fu Qu asked: "Comes there — the Dreg-Scraper Ghost, is it?" The Tacky Ghost said: "You really do have eyes and no pupils! Look what I'm WEARING, why don't you — look what I'm CARRYING. Never mind my martial arts being high and my person outstanding: this helm is gilded over its whole body; this armor is Nanjing clear-water flower-quilting; these boots are made of genuine ply-hide; this saber is folded iron, dotted steel, fine-ground; and this horse cost fifty taels of fine-silk silver! What art do YOU have, to dare cross your Lord Tacky?" — the words weren't even done when Fu Qu toppled off his horse. The shade-soldiers rushed him back to the temple. Zhong Kui said: "Vanguard! Why did you fall?" Fu Qu said: "Passing strange: he was in full brag, and I don't know how, but my sinews split with a raw pain, and before I knew it I was off the horse."

Zhong Kui said: "You're all no use — I'll go myself." He took the treasure-sword, bestrode the White Ze, came to the front of the line, and called the challenge high. Then said the Bigshot Ghost: "Worthy brothers both, you've each won merit; suppose I go out and give this Zhong Kui one more battle — how say you?" The two ghosts cried with one voice: "Brother, he's gouged your eyes out — how can you fight?" The Bigshot Ghost said: "No matter, no matter. This is called: eyes gouged doesn't count as blind." The two couldn't hold him, and had to let him out. Zhong Kui, seeing it was the Bigshot Ghost come forth, said: "I've gouged your eyes already — and still you come to bigshot blind?" The Bigshot Ghost said: "This Lonely One, only because our Empress had newly passed and his heart was unquiet, got himself taken by you. Now I've summoned my two Royal Brothers, with a thousand mighty captains and a million bold soldiers — and should I fear YOU? Turn back early and count it your luck; but say me half a 'no,' and I'll straightway command the Four Great Heaven-Gods to take you and deliver you to King Yama, and see you never wear a human body through all the ages of the world!" — and at just those words Zhong Kui felt a wave of nausea rise; he came near to vomiting, and could only turn back sick.

Xian and Fu deliberated, troubled: "Teeth itching for one of us, sinews split for another, stomach turned for the third — if they storm the temple, how do we stand them off?" And right in the midst of the deliberating, in through the temple gate walked a great fat monk. What did he look like? Behold: one shining bald head, two plump bare feet. One shining bald head — never once tied into hair since it left the womb; two plump bare feet — never once shod since they grew long. At dinner he opens a great mouth like a red temple-gate; when he smiles, his eyes crease to two slivers that beat the new moon's hooks. His belly faces heaven, swollen full and round — you could pole a boat on it and swing the oars; his cloth bag drags the ground, lumpity-bumped — all sesame-cakes and dry rations. As the verse says: be you rich, noble, worthy, fool — you're all inside one great ha-ha.

This monk came in all smiles and said to the gods: "How come you gentlemen so bedraggled?" Zhong Kui said: "Master of dhyāna, you wouldn't know: three ghosts are come against us before the temple, and they've worked us till one itches at the teeth, one aches in the sinews, one turns at the stomach — and no way to beat them." The monk said: "That being so — I'll go out. Follow me, you three, and watch me handle them." So they went out the gate together, and the monk said to the soldiery: "Call out your headmen to see me." The ghost-soldiers scrambled back into camp and reported: "Zhong Kui's fetched a great fat monk, who asks words with the three Kings." Said the three ghosts: "What fat monk is this that dares ask words with us? — and just when we were pining for something plump-footed!" Out they came swaggering and self-delighted: "Wild monk from where, that dares ask words with US?" The monk paid them no smallest heed — as if he hadn't heard at all. Seeing that manner of him, they thrust with spear and hacked with saber.

And the monk — smiled one smile, opened the great mouth, and with a single whole-swallowing gulp sent all three ghosts down into his belly.

Zhong Kui cried in wonder: "Master! Whence such spirit-power!" The monk said: "You don't understand. With that sort there's no talking of principle and no debating of high and low — you simply stow them in a big enough belly, and there's an end. Why lower yourself to their measure?" Zhong Kui said: "That's well said — but stowed in your belly, won't they be a scratching, gritty misery?" The monk said: "This poor monk has his own way with that." And in no long while, the monk performed one great convenience — and the three ghosts came out rendered into one heap of stinking dung. That done, he changed into a puff of clear wind and was gone.

Zhong Kui said: "A marvel, a marvel! Gone in the blink of an eye — could it be the Buddha's own self came to help me?" Xian Yuan said: "It was, it was — the ancient Buddha Maitreya of the rear hall: this was his very likeness!" So they went all together to the rear hall, and bowed their thanks. And there are two lines that say it well:

Three crooked demons, who in life played their thousand poses —
one heap of stinking dung, not worth half a copper dead.

What ghosts came after — the next chapter will unfold.

Chapter Three — Marshal Xian by Stratagem Rescues Match-for-Xishi; Vanguard Fu Shoots Arrows at the Brazenface Ghost

The poem says:

Flower-blinds take the shadows; the day runs long;
idly weighing human matters costs some thought.
The hero's bold-bridge airs are quickly snapped;
the rash still scant the schoolroom's warning rod.
Unbroken fondness trails on, soft as sashes;
self-dried, the face grows thick as any wall.
The sword-edge does not spare the crooked-slaying hand —
then first you feel how extra-bright the blue sky shines.

Our story tells that Zhong Kui, having bowed his thanks to the ancient Buddha Maitreya, returned to the abbot's hall and made to pack and march. But the guest-prefect pressed him again and again to stay: "Your worship being come, this poor monk has shown you not so much as a drop of water's kindness. Today we've laid a small fast-meal, to stretch an inch of our respect." So Zhong Kui and the two gods could only sit. They waited half a day before the table was so much as set; waited another half-day before the tea was carried in; and it was getting on sundown before a few bowls of vegetables came — the guest-prefect all the while trotting to and fro, chivvying without cease. Zhong Kui's temper broke: "You would keep me — then why this insolent neglect?" The guest-prefect said: "Be it known to your worship — it's that new-come fire-tender I spoke of, idle past telling: sleeps every day till the sun's three poles high, dawdles every night past the third watch; and as for his speech and his gait — all drip-oil and dribble-water, like a man far gone in consumption. That's what delays the meal. Your worship's pardon!" Zhong Kui said: "Call him here. Let me see what sort of fire-tender this is." The prefect called a good half-day before the fire-tender came drifting in, slow-thread and easy-grain. The gods raised their eyes and looked. What did he look like? Behold:

Brows adroop, eyes alowered; scant of breath, wanting of spirit. When he speaks, the mouth might be triple-sealed; when he steps, the foot weighs a thousand catties. Let a tiger come at him from before — depend on it, he won't start or stare; let a thief come in behind — is HE going to hurry? Heart mild, breath level — you'd say a gentleman finished in self-cultivation; hands folded, feet together — the very image of a Celestial Worthy who's attained the Way. As the verse says: a jade stalk drained of marrow might call him younger-brother; a grain-sack tipped out empty could pass for his elder-kin.

Zhong Kui at the sight of him gripped his sword in wrath: "What quarter's man are you? Speak true and I spare your life." The fire-tender — unhurried, unflurried, the lower breath not catching up to the upper — said: "Be it weighed: this small ghost was never of human kind, but is a wronged soul. That year, doing a bit of trade, I had a stage of road to make. Who'd have thought — the others were all impatient and left at first light; when I got up, the red sun stood mid-sky, so I had to travel alone. And who'd have guessed the road was long: I walked straight into dark. All at once I met a leather-faced ghost-thief who seized my baggage entire; and just as I made to give chase, a soak-snake wrapped me round — wrapped me till I'd neither breath nor strength, and before I knew it I was dead. I meant to lay my plaint before King Yama; but by the time I'd walked to the dark offices, King Yama had already recessed the court. So I've made shift in this temple meantime, for the sake of my mouth and belly. That's the truth of it." — These few sentences took him half a day to finish. Zhong Kui said: "If I kill you, you've no crime; if I don't, you're a plain vexation."

He was still weighing it when a man burst in at the door, knocking the Warmed-Corpse Ghost flat with the collision — took no reckoning of high or low, asked no leave of south or north, planted himself at the head of the table, lifted chopsticks, and ate. The gods all started; Zhong Kui looked at the fire-tender: "By your account — that will be the Warmed-Corpse Ghost, will it?" The fire-tender said: "The same." And what did the newcomer look like?

Not proud by nature — yet the perfect image of insolence. Has something to say? — he says it, and never mind rank or precedence; sees wine? — he drinks it, knowing nothing of bows and yieldings and warm decorum. East-furrow plow and west-furrow harrow: his talk has no root to it anywhere; acts first and looks nowhere after, and what's "thorough" to him? Lets his temper charge him into calamity — THEN his gall breaks; lets three-tenths of rough breath brew a disaster — THEN his heart runs cold. As the verse says: he only knows that nothing under heaven's hard, and won't believe the world holds careful men.

And who was this? None other than the HARUM-SCARUM GHOST, entered in the register. There he sat at the head of the table, eating for himself and drinking for himself, till Zhong Kui, watching, blazed: "This one comes on so harum-scarum — but I have a device for it." — "What device, my lord?" Zhong Kui said: "The two of them — the one all warmed-over corpse, the other all scarum-harum: I'll average the pair. Mix half a harum-scarum into the warmed-corpse; stir half a warmed-corpse into the harum-scarum. Call it the method of docking the too-much to eke the too-little." Xian and Fu said: "An excellent purpose — but how is the averaging to be done?" Zhong Kui said: "No hard matter, no hard matter!" — and drawing his sword he split the two ghosts each at a stroke into four halves, and matched and joined them anew — the thing went easily of itself. And behold: the two ghosts stood up, the warmed one no longer corpse-warm, the scarum one no longer harum — a finished pair of gentlemen of the Middle Path! Everyone rejoiced, and all declared Zhong Kui had the hand of Heaven's own transforming-power. Only the temple monks were frightened into biting their fingers, taking him for a divine man come into the world. The two ghosts bowed their thanks and departed; the monks grew more reverent than ever, and kept them one night more.

Next day, the shade-soldiers in order and the bat fixed ahead, they took leave of the monks and pushed on. When they had gone a good while, there sat old Tongfeng by the road, sighing. At the sight of Zhong Kui and the gods he lit up: "Your worships! — come to my poor house and let me offer tea." Zhong Kui said: "Who's the old man?" Xian Yuan said: "Why, this is old Tongfeng! Taking the Bigshot Ghost the other day hung all on him. What's he doing sunk in the dumps here?" Tongfeng said: "One word won't hold it. After the Bigshot Ghost was put down, I reckoned your worships' train long gone, and no day of meeting again. To meet you now — truly a blessing of three lifetimes!" Xian Yuan said: "You don't know — the Bigshot fetched up two brothers after, ugly customers both; we fought them several fields and couldn't win. By luck the ancient Buddha Maitreya met us, and swallowed the lot down his belly at one gulp, and so it ended — that's what has delayed us all these days. But your daughter — any better than before?" Tongfeng said: "A long story — come to my poor house and I'll tell it through." So the gods followed him into his thatched hall, where hung a congratulatory birthday-scroll from kin and friends, its literary grace about half-coherent; beneath it a little pearl-red table with half its lacquer-skin gone; along the walls, bins — bins of sorghum, of black beans; behind the door, farm-tools — hoe-hafts, forks, rakes, and no more. When they had looked their look, Zhong Kui took the upper seat, Xian and Fu sat to either hand, Tongfeng kept them company below, and the shade-soldiers pitched camp outside the village.

Presently, tea drunk, Xian Yuan asked again after the daughter. Tongfeng said: "After your worships left, she worsened day on day, till she lay at death's edge. This old man pressed and pressed, and at last the girl said: there is indeed a ghost-demon winding about her. I asked its origins. It seems there is a SHAMELESS MOUNTAIN, and on it a SCANT-SCRUPLE CAVE, and in the cave a ghost-king called the GREAT KING BRAZENFACE. This Great King Brazenface has four disciples. One is called the Filth Ghost — he feeds on people outright, and truly owns the art of not-one-hair-plucked. One is called the Pennypinch Ghost — rob him, burn him, he'll not loose half a copper: those two are ugly handfuls. Then there's a Quick-Welsher Ghost, of no great art, who lives by sheer welshing; and there's a Clingvine Ghost — and the Clingvine Ghost is the very demon that's wound about my girl. These four, schooled in the Great King Brazenface's doctrine, are tigers given wings. And now this Clingvine has wound my daughter nine parts dead of ten. I've no son — only this girl. If he winds her into her grave, who sees us two old ones to our coffins?" — and telling it to the sore place, his tears fell like rain.

Zhong Kui said: "What's your daughter's name?" Tongfeng said: "She's called Match-for-Xishi — because she was born with some looks to her, resembling Xishi, we chose the name. The Xishi of Wu lived at Zhuluo by the West Lake and was born of the water's essence; my girl lives here and was born of the hill's grace. Hill and water differ; the numinous breath is one — hence, Match-for-Xishi. This old man doted on her born loveliness like a bright pearl in the palm. Then on festival day our village staged The Three Officials Battle Lü Bu, and the girl went out for a look — and who'd have thought the ghost caught sight of her, and wound himself on from that hour. All hangs on your worship's rescue!" — and he knelt down on the ground. Zhong Kui said: "Slaying ghosts is my proper trade — none of that. Only take me in to see your daughter's state, the better to go about the business."

So Tongfeng rose and led Zhong Kui into the sickroom, and one look at the daughter showed her lovely indeed. Behold: brows like the new moon — and where has the new moon such fineness? Eyes like autumn water — autumn water was never so clear. Cheeks to shame the peach-flower — nay, the peach-flower's tint would be too heavy; a waist one with the willow — nay, the willow itself would seem too wanton. Only pity she was born in a rough village — one bright pearl thrown down among the tile-shards! Had she grown in a golden house, a thousand painted beauties could not match her charm. That knitted brow-tip: the very Xishi clasping her heart; that languishing air of sorrow: Wang Qiang herself riding out beyond the frontier. As they say:

Wang Wei's own wondrous hand would strain to paint her —
then how shall my old clumsy talent draw?

Zhong Kui, having seen the daughter, thought within: "No wonder a ghost winds about her — she's a born beauty in earnest." He asked Tongfeng: "What hour does the ghost come?" — "Come dark, he comes." — "Then lay us some wine, and we'll wait for him in your daughter's outer room." Tongfeng bustled gladly off; the wine came presently; and Zhong Kui with Xian and Fu sat drinking and talking idle in the outer room. And sure enough, at the deep of the watches, a gust of shade-wind crossed the blind — the ghost was come. There's a poem that tells this ghost's fashion:

Not a gallant, and no immortal either:
feeling deep as water, nature soft as floss.
Had he not long studied under Brazenface,
how could he twine a body half to death?

Now the Clingvine Ghost stepped in over the sill, saw people there, spun on his heel and made off. Fu Qu chased hard behind and hacked with his saber. The ghost, startled, side-slipped the body — and flicking a red silk embroidered band into the air (say slow, happen quick!) he had Fu Qu wound fast. Zhong Kui watched and blazed: "A pip of a ghost-thing — daring to work its people-winding art HERE!" — and up he came at the run, treasure-sword high. The Clingvine Ghost, bare-handed and out of tricks, could only turn one somersault and be gone. Zhong Kui cut the band and set Fu Qu loose, and said to Tongfeng: "I warrant that ghost won't come again tonight." Tongfeng said: "Don't believe it. This old man has cursed him to his face before now: he holds the Great King Brazenface's doctrine — wind on, crooked, and never a shame in him. If your worship doubts me — I fear he's back within the quarter-hour." The words weren't done when there was the Clingvine Ghost again — carrying, this time, a dead snake to wind with. Zhong Kui lifted sword and met him with a hack; the Clingvine took that dead snake for his weapon and coiled it left and wheeled it right, fencing off the treasure-sword — and in an unguarded blink he'd flung the dead snake up and wound ZHONG KUI fast. Fu Qu rushed to cut him free — a somersault, and the ghost was gone again. Fu Qu slashed the dead snake off Zhong Kui and flung it down — and there was the Clingvine BACK AGAIN; and Fu Qu could only close with him once more. And in this fashion he wound them a good half-day and more — now winding with a live snake, now winding with a dead one — till Zhong Kui was leaping thunder-mad.

Xian Yuan said: "I've thought us out a fine stratagem. Rather than he wind us — WE wind HIM." Zhong Kui said: "He's slick as oil — how would you ever wind him fast?" Xian Yuan said: "No hard thing, no hard thing! I call this the stratagem of Waiting at Ease for the Worn — only we'll need Tongfeng's daughter." Tongfeng said: "What do you need my girl for?" Xian Yuan leaned to all their ears and murmured low: "It must be thus, and thus." Zhong Kui heard it with great joy: "Trust the Marshal for breadth of sight! Were Sun and Wu alive again, they'd not come up to this." So Tongfeng carried the plan to the goodwife, and the goodwife passed it to Match-for-Xishi. Match-for-Xishi said: "All shy and blushing — how could I ever act such a thing out?" Her mother said: "Child — so long as you keep your life, what's a blush?" So Match-for-Xishi, blushing, consented. Tongfeng came out and reported back; and Zhong Kui, the two gods, and Tongfeng hid themselves in the rear, idling over wine — of which no more.

Now tell we of the Clingvine Ghost, come creeping quiet at fall of night. All was still, no one about. He thought: "Gone, I suppose." He looked into the room: the lampwick half-bright, half-dim; he listened: the faintest sound of sighing. So the Clingvine plucked up a great gall and walked in, and asked Match-for-Xishi: "Where's that cursed Zhong Kui of your house got to?" Match-for-Xishi said: "He couldn't beat you, so today he left. And YOU never once came in to me — leaving your slave-girl watching for you the day long." The Clingvine Ghost said: "I'd not be parted from you one inch of a step — only they were here, and I couldn't come in." And with that he wrapped both arms round her and pressed for his pleasure. Match-for-Xishi said: "Now don't you be hasty. It's that your loving never lasts long enough to fill your slave-girl's wish. So I've thought out a little device: I've made up a white silk band, to noose just there at the root of the thing — then naturally you'll endure. Wait while I fetch it out, and we'll try it together — what say you?" — The Clingvine Ghost's whole heart burst into flower; he smacked her a kiss: "Who knew my darling loved me so!" Match-for-Xishi fetched out the band; the Clingvine tore his trousers open in his hurry; Match-for-Xishi slipped the noose on and drew it tight with all her strength. The Clingvine Ghost said: "Gently — gently! It hurts raw!" Match-for-Xishi said: "The tighter the better!" — and hauled with all her might again, and set a DEAD KNOT in it. And seeing the Clingvine Ghost already swooning with the pain of it, past any slipping free, she called out high: "The Clingvine Ghost is wound up fast by ME! Come quick, my lords!" Zhong Kui and the rest heard, and crowding out they cut the Clingvine Ghost down.

Fu Qu clapped his hands and laughed and laughed. Xian Yuan said: "What's the laughing?" Fu Qu pointed at Tongfeng: "I'm laughing that this household are born experts at seizing a man by the root. The Bigshot Ghost — HIS root-record old Tongfeng flung out in the open; now the Clingvine Ghost — HIS root the daughter's caught and knotted. Father and child, how come you both so handy at finding a man's root?" Tongfeng laughed: "You don't know us — we're an honest house: we can't do a thing by prettying the surface. Whatever we take in hand, we must go at it from the root up." — and the whole company burst out laughing. Then Tongfeng laid a feast to honor Zhong Kui and his gods — of which no more.

Now tell we of the Brazenface Ghost, king in Scant-Scruple Cave on Shameless Mountain, who kept at his side a military counselor, keen of sight and neat of execution, whom people therefore had nicknamed the Slickster Ghost. This Slickster was chatting idle with Brazenface, and Brazenface said: "These several days — I can't think why — there's no sign of the Clingvine Ghost." The Slickster said: "Don't waste breath on that lot. Since they got the Great King's method, it's each man for his own — when did they ever bring YOU filial tribute? The Filth Ghost would sooner glue your very skin off you; the Pennypinch won't loose half a copper of his; as for the Quick-Welsher, nothing happens but he welshes, and the Clingvine, no day passes but he clings. Their not coming is your good luck. Why pine for them?" Brazenface said: "You say they take advantage of ME — can't I take advantage of THEM? I'll carry this brazen face of mine straight to their doors: filth, pinch, welsh, or cling, I'll scrape some grease off every one. Today happens idle: keep the cave a while — I'll go find the Clingvine first. Why not?" The Slickster said: "As your honor pleases."

So the Brazenface Ghost, following that brazen face of his, went out of Scant-Scruple Cave and down Shameless Mountain — and before him lay a River of Spittle to cross. Over the river, far off, he sighted a ruined temple, with a tea-hut built at its side, and on the alms-board four big characters: TEA GIVEN, KARMA KNIT. Brazenface looked the ruined temple over — sorry indeed. Behold: the through-gallery fallen flat, the hall aslant. The door-keeping imp has half a head — and still flares his brows and glares; the duty-judge has lost his feet — yet stands there belly-out and fists a-cock. In the red courtyard, green weeds fill the eye; on the wall-top a yellow weasel spies on passers. The great gate lacks its placard — no telling the temple's honored name; the holy image wants its crown — no guessing what god's enfeoffment. The censer holds a full heap of beam-leaked dirt; the offering-table's short its one vase for flowers. Depend on it: some idle loafing priest, neither-man-nor-woman muddling through — and a shame upon the good alms-givers who ran east and west to raise it. As the verse says: were this temple to be built anew, small chance you'd find a man to head the list.

Brazenface walked up to the tea-hut, where two idlers sat gabbing, and took a bench himself. The alms-monk carried out three cups of tea. One idler asked: "Your tea-hut neighbors that old temple — nights, aren't you afraid of ghosts?" The monk said: "Afraid — of course! But I shut the door and pay them no mind, and there's an end." The other said: "Speaking of ghosts — in our village, old Tongfeng's house, there's a daughter, bred a thousand charms and a hundred graces, and some Clingvine Ghost or other wound himself onto her, and wound her to death's own door. But her life wasn't fated to snap: all of a sudden comes one Zhong Kui, with troops and captains at his back, whose very errand is slaying ghosts. Last night he cut that Clingvine Ghost down." Brazenface, hearing it, startled cold inside: "So THAT'S why he's not come round so long." He asked the man: "Elder brother — that tale's true, is it?" The man said: "True as truth! I live at their next wall — saw it with these eyes." At that the Brazenface Ghost was off like a mourner's stray dog, urgent as a fish through a torn net, running for his mountain.

The Slickster met him: "Why's your color so ugly?" Brazenface said: "I've heard a thing to fear — come home to take counsel." — "What thing to fear?" So Brazenface retold the man's story, and said: "If it's ghost-slaying on purpose and by name — we all carry ghost-titles. If he comes hunting HERE, what then? Better we strike the first hand and be strongest." The Slickster said: "Not so. He's passing through — he'll not stay long. Let's shut the cave-gate and lie low a few days; when he's gone by, there's time and plenty to flare our brows again. The ancients say: know the other, know yourself — a hundred battles, a hundred wins. That's the soldier's key-word. Don't go off half-cocked." Brazenface said: "MY meaning is: first, revenge for my disciple Clingvine; second, root him out and end the worry after. And all you do is talk this talk — isn't that puffing THEIR wind and dousing our own edge?" — and from that hour he cold-shouldered the Slickster entirely, and swept off into the rear cave.

The Slickster, cheeks hot with the snub, sighed: "Time was I joined the Great King Goggle-Glare, hoping for great things — and he proved goggle-blank clean through, no man to do anything with. Now I come here: seeing the wall of his face so stout, I thought him fit to work with — and he turns out all brawn, no brain: beyond the thick of his face, nothing to him. Plain to see: calamity will start in his own timber and splash to the fish in the moat. The ancients say: the good bird picks its tree to nest in; the wise minister picks his lord to serve. I hear the GALLANT GHOST is a man of dash and parts. I'll quit this and go to him, and be done." So he bundled his baggage, slipped quiet out of Scant-Scruple Cave, and went off to the Gallant Ghost — and there we set him down.

Now tell we of Zhong Kui, who midway in the wine heard that the Clingvine Ghost's own master was the Brazenface Ghost. He said: "Him I must certainly slay as well. But where's this Shameless Mountain?" Tongfeng said: "Not far, surely — we'll ask as we go." And even as they talked, the bat was up and flying. Zhong Kui said glad: "See there — is that not the guide gone ahead?" So he rose, took leave of Tongfeng, and with Xian and Fu leading the shade-soldiers, raced after the bat. Midway a great river barred the road. Behold: green froth bubbling everywhere, white waves flipping and flipping — green froth bubbling: for all the world like mushrooms; white waves flipping: the very likeness of jellyfish. Its gorge-mouth issues from lips; its headwaters spring from the cinnabar field. Turbid waves in a dirty vessel — no brewing tea here; sticky water gluing the boats — hard ferrying for travelers. On this bank, footprints crowd the shore — you'd swear you heard the stamping; on that bank, finger-shadows fill the dike — you'd vow you saw the shaken fists. Even hermits and men of letters have surely spat their few drops in, with a word or two of "scant-scruple" and "shameless" as they did it; as for the common run, they'll gladly dome the pile higher — trailing bridesmaid's language too. As the verse says:

Would you know this river's true begetting?
It's all in the knitted brows and the ground teeth.

Zhong Kui called a local man and asked. The local said: "This river's named the River of Spittle. Time was, there was no river here at all. But Shameless Mountain's Scant-Scruple Cave put forth a Great King Brazenface, and he drew the spit-curses of every soul alive; and the spit-cursing gathered and gathered till it ran into this great river. Wide as the face of it is, there's no depth to it — cross easy, your worship, and never fear." Zhong Kui heard it with joy, sent the local off, and crossed the River of Spittle; and beyond it stood Shameless Mountain. And how was that mountain furnished? Behold: No-Honesty rocks heaped over all the ground; Never-Blush Crag thrusting high at the clouds. Ears-stopped, hooves-tucked, the Tiger-Bluff peaks lie low; fangs bared, claws dancing, the Shed-Water wolf-gullies run. Ghost-Eye pines grow thick along the slopes; Unclean cypresses stand planted rank on rank at the foot. Pity: the caves had scruple enough — the goblins fled them long ago; the mountain had its native shame — but dreads the Brazen Face, and dares not show.

Zhong Kui led the shade-soldiers up Shameless Mountain, ringed Scant-Scruple Cave, and called his curses high. The mountain imps ran word to the rear cave, and Brazenface blazed: "I was just wanting to root HIM out — he comes in the nick!" He donned an oxhide helm, got into a birch-bark cuirass, took up a two-edged blade, and came out of the cave, railing: "You ugly devil! You killed my disciple — I was on my way to wash the grudge in blood — and you've the gall to come hunting to my very door?" Zhong Kui said: "I bear the Tang Son of Heaven's command to slay precisely your sort. Why would I not come?" — and with the word he whirled his sword and hacked, and took him square across the face. And the fellow — showed not a flicker of fright, and took not a scratch of harm. Zhong Kui said: "That is a STOUT face." Brazenface said: "I'll not brag — but it passes, it passes. Blade-hack, arrow-shot, boot-toe — help yourself: it never troubles me."

Fu Qu heard that and came forward: "Stand back, my lord — let me shoot him." Brazenface said: "Your house stands right here — shoot away. When you've shot yourself empty, we'll call it done." Now Fu Qu trusted that willow-piercing hundred-pace hand of his: he bent the carved bow full-moon, and one arrow flew true to the face. The shade-soldiers roared their cheer with one voice, certain that was the death of him — and the fellow never stirred a fraction, as if the shaft had never touched. Fu Qu, furious, shot again — to the face again — and again not a fraction's stir; and shaft after shaft, some dozens on end, and he simply — stood; and every arrow dropped to the ground. Fu Qu said: "A marvel past marvels! In the old days Lei Wanchun took one arrow standing and men called it hard; this ghost takes his dozens, and not only won't they pierce the face — it's as if no one had shot at all. Truly a face without forebear in all antiquity!" Zhong Kui, leaping thunder-mad, went in himself and minced at that face like a cook chopping filling — hacked away to his heart's content — and the face never once so much as reddened. Seeing him unmoved, Zhong Kui stood up on the White Ze's spine, took the ghost at his word about the kicking, and served him the oiled boot — one hundred oiled boots, full measure — and it felt, for all the world, like nothing much.

Even Zhong Kui had to laugh. He asked: "That face of yours — where DID it come from, to be so hard?" Brazenface laughed: "Ah, if we're to tell the tale of this face — it has its source and its course. In the old days my master Lou Shide handed me the method of Letting Spittle Dry of Itself. I considered: all that's really wanted here is thickness of face. So I forged myself an iron face, wrapped it in cloth, lacquered it — and fearing that still wasn't proof, pasted it over with birch-bark, some thousands of layers. Hence: nothing whatever troubles it. This birch cuirass of mine is made of the leavings from the face-pasting. And once, being short of funds, I pawned the face at the pawnshop; when I went to redeem it, the shop had taken in so many thick faces they couldn't pick out which was mine. One pinch of my brows and the plan came: I told them, 'Chop them hard on a stone — the one that won't chop apart is mine.' They did as I directed and chopped the lot; every face broke but this one — mine alone past all chopping. A face THIS thick is a treasure beyond price. Shall I fear your common weaponry?" Zhong Kui heard it and turned to Fu Qu: "This being so — what's to be done?" — and he could only fall back beaten, and hang out the No-Battle tablet; and the Brazenface Ghost went back to his cave in triumph.

Zhong Kui said to Xian and Fu: "A face that thick — how do we break it?" Fu Qu said: "His art, by the look of it, is nothing much: it's only that thick face that's past managing. Could we scheme that thick face into our hands, there'd be nothing left to fear!" Xian Yuan thought a while: "There's a way. What he leans on is that thick face. We'll make one to the same pattern — only build ours THICKER than his. Tomorrow before the lines, we offer a swap. If he takes the swap — his face is ours." Zhong Kui said: "No good, no good! Lose a thick face, gain a thick face — even trade, where's the profit? And when I've swapped his onto me, I'M turned Brazenface myself!" Xian Yuan said: "Never fear, never fear. When we build our face, we'll bury a CONSCIENCE inside it — and conscience is the exact contrary of brazenness. Once he swaps it on, the conscience wakes, and of itself that thick face will thin and thin. He turns thin-faced; we keep thick — this is what they call bending the enemy without battle." Zhong Kui clapped his palms for joy: "A wondrous stratagem! Sun Wukong might have managed it — I doubt Zhuge the Martial Marquis himself could reach it."

So they built the face to that recipe: cast first in raw bronze; bedded in the middle with shoe-soles; roofed over with several plies of oxhide; pasted with its own thousands of birch-bark layers — all it lacked was the conscience. Zhong Kui asked the shade-soldiers for one. The soldiers said: "We little ones knew a conscience is no use carried into the living world, so none of us brought his along. But there IS one shade-soldier — Pan You by name — who has a conscience on him. Not one he brought from the dark world, either: a living man here had one he couldn't get any use of, and in a passion flung it away in the open street; Pan You picked it up and hid it. Your worship need only ask him for it." So Zhong Kui called Pan You in and asked. Pan You couldn't bear to dig it out, and swore up and down he had none. The soldiers said: "A conscience he PICKED UP on the road, and he'd embezzle even that! Let us little ghosts search him." They pressed Pan You flat and searched him over — and only out of the middle of his BACKBONE did they finally dig it. Zhong Kui gave it to the face-wrights, who cased it into the face; and measured, it came out half again thicker than Brazenface's own. Zhong Kui rejoiced.

The night passed; early they took the field, sending the shade-soldiers ahead to call the challenge. Out came Brazenface wearing his thick face: "Beaten yesterday, and back today to hand your lives in? Can it be you STILL don't know this Lonely One's thick face?" Zhong Kui said: "You have a face — and I have none?" — and donned his. Brazenface started: "How comes HE by a thick face today? No wonder he dares show himself again." He could only call out: "My face you all tasted yesterday. Today I'll beg a taste of yours." Zhong Kui said: "This house was never stingy of instruction — come and be taught." So the Brazenface Ghost stepped up, set his two feet in the ding-character stance, raised the two-edged blade, and hacked at the face. GRRUK! went the sound of it — sparks burst wild — and at the second hack the blade-edge curled clean over. Brazenface reckoned within: "By this measure his face is thicker than mine. If I had THAT face, I could walk sideways through the world." So he called high: "That face of yours will pass, I allow. Dare you trade with me?" Zhong Kui said: "Why not dare?" — Brazenface, hugging himself inside, whipped his face off and handed it over; Zhong Kui took his off and handed it across; and the Brazenface Ghost donned it, delighted.

But in no long while the conscience began to stir — and look! — the face-skin thinning, thinning. Brazenface cried in alarm: "How is it this face was thick on HIM and thins on ME?" He wiped at it — worn thin as paper now; a moment more, and clean through it showed a conscience — and the Brazenface Ghost, before he knew it, was one whole face of burning shame. Zhong Kui and Fu Qu, seeing that face go scarlet, knew the conscience had wakened, and came at him with their blades. He couldn't parry; he fled into the cave; and his little ghosts reported: "Great King, you're too ashamed now to show them your face. As we reckon it, there are just two courses: the Filth Ghost's, or the Pennypinch's — choose one and flee to it, and nurse your face back for a later reckoning. Go or stand — quickly, Great King, decide!" Brazenface said: "Enough! The face is LOST — what's left to go or stand about? Better I find myself a clean death." And he drew his blade and cut his own throat. And this is ever the truth of it:

Only let conscience truly wake —
and having a face is worse than none.

What followed after — hear the next chapter tell.

Chapter Four — For Filthiness, Like Hearts Seek Out a Rare Worthy; Over Pennies, Bosom Friends Become Sworn Foes

The lyric says:

Money is blood:
let a little out,
and the pain's like splitting.
Great trouble at the door? — meet it with wild talk.
But gab and gab, the gabbing lands nowhere:
of a sudden two houses turn Wu-and-Yue.
Snipe and clam locked fast —
and the fisherman smiles.

Our story tells that when the Brazenface Ghost had cut his throat, his little ghosts, masterless now, could only scatter — taking counsel first: "Where's best to go?" One said: "As we said before: if not the Filth Ghost's, then the Pennypinch's house." Another said: "Pennypinch's is far. Let's to the Filth Ghost's." So out of Scant-Scruple Cave in a crowd they went, off round the mountain's back, and ran themselves gasping to the Filth Ghost's gate. They knocked; a small ghost ran out: "Where from, you lot? My master's ill and can't receive." The crowd said: "Ill of what? Not a put-off, is it?" The small ghost said: "The idea! My master's ill of the brain-pinching wind." The crowd said: "Any other ailment we'd know nothing of. But the brain-pinching wind! — we happen to know a sovereign recipe: instant relief." — "What recipe? Say it and let me hear." — "Our own master had this very ailment once. He called a spirit-medium; the medium beat his fan-drum, and in a wink called down Liu the Robber Zhi, who gave our master's head twenty-four cudgel-strokes; then the medium moxa-burned him twenty-four cones — and he was well on the spot." — "And what's the sense of that?" — "Don't you know? That's called BEATEN BY ROBBERS AND BURNT WITH FIRE." The small ghost said: "I took it for serious talk — and it's ghost-gabble. What do you want with my master anyway?" The crowd said: "We'll tell you straight: there's come from somewhere one Zhong Kui, with a Marshal and a General and hundreds of shade-soldiers, whose whole errand is slaying the world's crooked ghosts. Yesterday he wiped out our Great King Brazenface of Scant-Scruple Cave on Shameless Mountain. We've fled the ruin — first, hoping to avenge our King; second, to take service with your master." The small ghost heard and flew inside with the news.

Now the Filth Ghost was just then deep in reckonings — how to scheme this family's house-plot, how to squat on that family's acres — when the small ghost ran up and reported so-long and so-short, thus and thus. Had he not heard, well and good; hearing it, his whole brain rang at once, his soul flew out beyond the sky, his six-and-thirty-thousand pores streamed sweat together, and his twenty-four teeth chattered upper against lower. He forced himself steady and gave his orders: "Such a business! Still — since they've come to ME, feed them I must. For each man: a thin gruel of forty grains of millet, and half a stalk of pickled greens. That will do." Orders given, he paced and paced, thinking: "This wants talking over with the Pennypinch Ghost to sit right." Then he thought again: "Invite him HERE to talk, and there's outlay again, no dodging it. Better I go find him at his own house — then naturally the entertaining falls to HIM. This is called Zhu Bajie takes the field: turn about and rake them backward."

His mind made up, out the door he went to seek the Pennypinch Ghost. A few steps on, another matter struck him. What matter, do you ask? He thought: "The road is long. Suppose a convenience comes on me midway — a whole packet of dung thrown away, what a waste! Better turn back and call a dog to follow, against accidents." So back he went and summoned a dog. Sure enough, before long, the need came on him. The Filth Ghost sighed: "In all things under heaven, better to worry beforehand than be sorry after. The Sage says: a man with no far care will have near sorrow." — and he performed one large convenience, and the dog duly ate it. But as they walked on, the DOG's need came on in turn. The Filth Ghost watched, near swooning with rage, and cursed: "Useless brute! You're fed it to carry HOME and lay on our own dung-heap — and you drop it HERE? True rat's-belly, chicken-gut — can't hold one packet of dung! What are you FOR?" He looked and looked: to leave it — such a pity; to take it up — no way to take it. Then he spied some grass-leaves by the road, hurried over, wrapped the dog-dung neat, and stowed it secret on his person. And THIS is the true source of the saying: the son who'll found a family treasures dung like gold. Writing so far, I can't hold back a presentation-poem for him:

Man does his business — then the dog does his;
dog eats man's leavings — what can man do back?
Man, I suppose, can hardly swallow dog's —
so wrap it up and count it steamed-bread, Jack.

And one poem more:

A filthy fellow's extra rich in dung:
self-dropped, self-eaten — nothing there to blame.
Had he but known that dog was such a dud,
he'd sooner burst than drop the precious same.

We set the Filth Ghost down. Now tell we of the Pennypinch Ghost — born stingy to the grain, content in thin fare, who just then was home standing guard on his coin and silk. Hearing a knock without, he had no choice but to shuffle out; and seeing it was the Filth Ghost, no help for it — he let him in and sat him down. "What brings you, elder brother?" The Filth Ghost said: "No man climbs to the Treasure Hall without a matter: today there's urgent talk — I've come on purpose to counsel." And he told the tale of Shameless Mountain and Scant-Scruple Cave's refugee imps from the start, and said: "As I reckon it, losing our lives is the small item. But if he sends soldiery to plunder what you and I have scraped up lifelong — is that not labor without wage?" The Pennypinch Ghost said: "Aye! — then what if we beat our silver into COFFINS: when he comes, we case ourselves inside and get buried quick — man and money both kept! Even dying, we'd die in comfort." The Filth Ghost said: "A wrong-headed plan. Coin and silk are for the SONS AND GRANDSONS: we're only their watchmen. If we take it away with us, what are the children to live on?" The Pennypinch said: "True again. But by your reckoning, what then?" The Filth Ghost said: "We need a plan safe on all ten sides." And the two thought this way and thought that, and got no good plan at all.

They thought their way toward midnight, and hunger dried the Filth Ghost's mouth and scorched his tongue. He said: "Younger brother — we're famished. I have here a packet of dog-dung I brought along: might I offer you some?" The Pennypinch Ghost said: "So elder brother hasn't dined! But the stove's sealed for the night — what's to do?" He hung his head another long while, then said: "There are two-and-a-half griddle-cakes left from yesterday, and one bowl of dead-chicken stew with cabbage. If you'll not stand on ceremony — stay your hunger with that?" The Filth Ghost said: "It will serve, it will serve." So it was carried out and set on the table. The Pennypinch kept him company and ate ONE cake; and the Filth Ghost got just the one-and-a-half cakes into his belly — not enough to dent the hunger — and couldn't decently ask for more; nothing for it but to cinch his trousers tighter. Then he noticed the table was scattered with sesame seeds. He longed to sweep them up and eat them — but feared the Pennypinch would laugh. One pinch of the brows, and the plan came. He set a fingertip tracing lines on the table as he talked: "As I read this Zhong Kui rascal — he's bound to come by way of Stingy Mountain; past Stingy Mountain it's the Sinew-Splitting River; over THAT, and he's at your village." — a line drawn on the table, a few sesame seeds nipped up to hand, and, on the excuse of wetting his finger — the sesame went in. Draw again, eat again; in a short while he'd swept the table clean. Then he saw a few grains stuck fast down the table-crack that wouldn't come out — and settled one more scheme: he clapped a great palm-slap on the table and roared: "If that Zhong Kui DOES come — once I take him, I'll judge his corpse into ten thousand pieces!" — and the slap jumped those last grains free, and he ate them by the former method.

At which the Pennypinch Ghost was seized of a sudden heart-pang and couldn't stir. And why, do you ask? He had seen the sesame fall on the table, and it being therefore of course the HOUSEHOLDER'S property, the Filth Ghost's scheming it into his own mouth had set the pang going. The Filth Ghost, watching him clutch his chest, understood well enough — the same sickness as his own — and could only make his thanks and go. The Pennypinch ached a good while before his breath turned round, and then hated: "Was THAT taking counsel? Plain as day, he came to sponge a meal off me. Very well — tomorrow I'LL go counsel at HIS house. We'll see if he doesn't owe me a table back!" And on the strength of that he skipped even his supper, waited for dawn, and set off for the Filth Ghost's house. As the verse says:

Filth-ghost gouges filth-ghost;
careful man seeks careful man.

At the Filth Ghost's gate he rattled the door-ring — and there was the Filth Ghost peering through the crack. The Pennypinch said: "It's I that's come; no need to spy." The Filth Ghost opened the door: "So it's you, younger brother! I took you for one of those that EAT RAW RICE." The Pennypinch said: "Your younger brother never ate raw rice in his life." — and the Filth Ghost caught the ball on the bounce: "Then younger brother's eaten his COOKED rice already!" — and told the household: "Your second master has dined. No need to lay anything — just see to the tea." The Pennypinch groaned inside: "Snared in his trap AGAIN." He could only sit, drink one cup of bare tea, and say: "About this Zhong Kui business of yesterday, brother — I've thought: we ought to counsel with the Quick-Welsher Ghost besides. He has a certain emergency-wit." The Filth Ghost said: "HIM you'd mention! Last year he borrowed three pecks, three pints, and one ladle-measure of grain of me, and returned just the three pecks three pints — owes me the ladleful to this day. For friendship's face I've let it lie unreckoned. Call you THAT a finished man?" The Pennypinch said: "Just so, just so! He borrowed of me two mace, three candareens, four cash, and five tenths of silver, and came back short my five-tenths. I made him write the IOU — it's in my house this minute — and I've been too delicate to squeeze him since. Well — we'll be large-measure gentlemen, set it by, and go counsel with him regardless." The Filth Ghost said: "Rightly said." So hand in hand they went, and came before they knew it to the Quick-Welsher Ghost's gate.

There before the gate a crowd stood ringed — all his creditors come dunning. The Quick-Welsher had hung out a signboard: PAYMENT TOMORROW WITHOUT FAIL. And the crowd would none of it, and clamored without end. The Filth Ghost said: "If it's payment tomorrow without fail — there's an end, no? What's all this riot for?" The crowd said: "You two don't know him. That 'tomorrow' of his is a LIVE tomorrow, not a DEAD tomorrow — there's no leaning on it." The Pennypinch said: "A tomorrow's a tomorrow. How do you get live ones and dead ones?" The crowd said: "In the main: a man of conduct keeps a dead tomorrow — fixed. A man of none keeps a live tomorrow — like the night-shining pearl: bright again and again, a thousand years, ten thousand ages — where's the bottom of it?" The Filth Ghost said: "So that's the way of it! Well, roaring gains you nothing either, sirs. Simply wait him out to his 'tomorrow' and see." The crowd, finding sense in it, dispersed.

Then the two went in — and found the Quick-Welsher Ghost laying bricks in a wall. The Pennypinch said: "That mob at your gate bawling curses, and you can lay bricks with your heart at rest?" The Quick-Welsher said: "Ah, you two don't know: my west wall's fallen ruinous, so I'm pulling down the east wall to patch the west. Is there a better shift? — But what brings my two elder brothers?" The Filth Ghost said: "A matter big as heaven; we've come on purpose to beg your teaching." And he told it, thus-and-thus, this-way-and-that-way. The Quick-Welsher said: "I thought it some GREAT matter! For a thing like that, what's the difficulty? All it wants is a BARBARIAN-FRIGHTENING LETTER sent to scare him — then naturally he won't dare come." The Pennypinch said: "What's a barbarian-frightening letter?" The Quick-Welsher said: "You don't know, brother? In the old days a foreign kingdom sent the Tang Son of Heaven a letter writ in their outland script, and the whole court of civil and military couldn't read a character of it. The Bright Emperor summoned Li Qinglian — Li Bai! — who came roaring drunk, read the letter through, and wrote the reply in that same outland script. The Emperor set Yang Guifei to hold his inkstone and Gao Lishi to pull off his boots; he took up the brush, one flourish and done — one barbarian-frightening letter — and frightened that kingdom clean into submission. We'll just write such a letter and frighten HIM, and be done." The Pennypinch said: "A capital plan — war on paper, the very thing! But whom do we get to write it?" The Quick-Welsher said: "I have it reckoned already. At our Temple of the Eight Zha there's a schoolmaster — of the very highest literary talent. Poems, lyrics, songs, rhapsodies — no man alive out-writes him. The year of the great examination, the set topics were quatrains on Wind, Flower, Snow, and Moon — and he never paused to think, took up the brush, and they were made! I remember them still — let me recite them for my two brothers. The one on the Wind runs:

All of a kind it charges heaven a hundred fathoms long;
it blows the yellow sand up — pecks won't measure it.
Never mind your thousand-catty house-guard stone:
blown to mid-sky, it comes down and flattens the house.

The one on the Flower runs:

One branch just fading and another blows —
who does the cutting-out for the Lord of the East?
The gardener means to move in and live among the flowers —
where else, I ask you, would he get so many?

The one on the Snow runs:

Light as willow-floss and quick as shuttles,
it fills your ears, heaps your head, hunts your whole face over.
I reckon the Jade Emperor's giving a banquet —
the kitchen's plucking swans all night to manage.

And the one on the Moon — that one's wonder past wonder:

A treasure-mirror fresh from polish, wearing no gauze veil:
Chang'e, say what you like, can keep a household.
Her only grief: the world runs short of lamp-oil —
so night after night she hangs it high — SHE'S NOT AFRAID OF HIM."

The Filth Ghost, having heard, said: "Fine made indeed! Only those three words 'not afraid of him' are a bit past me." The Quick-Welsher said: "That's exactly where the intent runs deep! In the main: your thief steals by wind and never by moon — what he fears most is the moon. And the moon, precisely, is NOT AFRAID OF HIM — she shines up on purpose! Hence the want of those three words 'not afraid of him' — call it the extreme of the extraordinary. The room-examiner, seeing his paper, cried delighted: 'The wings are fledged — he'll burst the wall and fly!' — and for fear he WOULD fly off, drew a quantity of strokes alongside the text to fence him in; and fearing still he'd shoot clear through point-first, forked on a quantity of cross-forks to pin him besides. Up it went to the chief examiner — and who'd have thought the man so shallow: he couldn't fathom 'not afraid of him' either, said it lacked a classical source if you please, and failed the paper. Now — was the man wronged, or was he not? On the strength of it he wrote a belly-full-of-grievance poem besides. I'll recite that too:

Trade-short, yamen-short, I stomach the schoolroom;
not meat, not silk — the master is no good.
Thin-fated, belly-full, I watch snipe grapple clam;
high-talented, ears stopped, I hear the pond.
Talking poems, throat parched: LIANG THOUGHT OF HONEY;
chatting rhapsodies, heart scoured: KONG MISSED HIS GINGER.
When comes my hour to meet a Bo Le on the road?
One high whinny — and the whole crowd panics."

The Filth Ghost said: "THIS one I understand even less — I must beg elder brother to expound." The Quick-Welsher said: "'Trade-short, yamen-short, I stomach the schoolroom': no capital to trade with, no backing to buy a yamen post — so he swallows his breath and enters the schoolroom. The second line: the examiner failed his paper — his poems wouldn't pass for meat, his rhapsodies wouldn't pass for silk, and the master he met had no goodness in him: hence 'not meat, not silk, the master is no good.' The third: watching other men pass while he could not, he says in dudgeon: thin though my fate be, we'll SEE how long you snipe and clam keep gripping. The fourth: failed and living-less, he can only teach school; and schoolboys at their books drone like frogs — the old poem has 'green grass, pond and pool, the frogs everywhere' — see how aptly 'hear the pond' is used! Lines five and six tell the schoolmaster's bitterness: lecturing all day, throat parched, heart scoured. Now: Emperor Wu of Liang, starving to death besieged in Taicheng, longed for honey-water — hence 'Liang thought of honey'; and the Analects has 'Confucius never let ginger be cleared from his table' — hence 'Kong missed his ginger.' 'Throat parched, Liang thought of honey; heart scoured, Kong missed his ginger' — look at the workmanship of that parallel, and every phrase a classical precedent! Is it a good poem or is it not? And the closing couplet is wonder past wonder, rare in all ages: in the old days the horse whinnied on meeting Bo Le and its price doubled — he says 'when comes my hour to meet a Bo Le,' some bright-eyed examiner to pass him; men slight him NOW, but THEN one high whinny of his will panic the whole crowd of them! Not one idle character in the piece, not one idle phrase — reserved, dashing, a genuinely extraordinary talent. But alas: virtue mends and slander mounts, the Way rises and the wrecking comes — folk have hung a street-name on him instead: THE UNVERSED GHOST. Now I ask you: a scholarship like that — is that an unversed man?" The Pennypinch said: "A great master of the versed, beyond question! Quick, brother — have him write the barbarian-frightening letter!" The Quick-Welsher said: "You two, for all your scrap of coin and silk, understand nothing of the rites. When King Wen sought Jiang Taigong, when Xuande begged Kongming — they went in their own persons. Where's the precedent for SUMMONING such a man? We must go bow and beg him ourselves." The Filth Ghost said: "Trust elder brother to know the forms."

So the three went out together — the Filth Ghost and the Pennypinch walking behind, each thinking darkly: "All those poems of the Welsher's — the EARS have feasted and the belly's paid: hungry till the waist won't straighten" — and bowed along after him. A few turns brought them to the Temple of the Eight Zha. They knocked soft; a small boy came out, took their business, and went in to announce. Now the Unversed Ghost was just then deep in talk with the WINDBAG GHOST. The boy came to his side and said low: "Visitors, master." The Unversed Ghost never asked who: "Show them in." The boy came out: "You're invited." The three entered bowing, all humility, and paid their respects first to the Windbag: "This gentleman — his honored name?" The Unversed said: "Our society's president, Master Windbag." The three made their bows to the Windbag first, then did the courtesies with the Unversed: "Long have we looked up to your great virtue, never daring to intrude; to meet you today truly comforts a whole lifetime." The Unversed said: "A grass-and-thatch under-scholar, honored by such worthies — my wattle door shines the brighter." Seats taken, they looked over the study — elegant, truly. Behold: a little courtyard, a low thatched room. No cypress here, no plum-tree either, and no bamboo. Before the blind, two jujubes tended; below the steps, twin chrysanthemums set. One bookcase — not pearwood; a few tattered scrolls — antiquity itself. An inkstone that will do for characters; a poem-tube that can hold the brushes. He keeps a spot of high-antique wind, and plays the rare curio to the hilt: gate shut against the vulgar caller, tea on the boil for the bosom friend. One deficiency only — no money, and no wine on credit to be had.

The Unversed Ghost said: "Three gentlemen at my door — there'll be a matter to discuss." The Filth Ghost said: "We'd never intrude without one: a matter that cuts to the bone, and we come expressly to beg instruction." — and he told the whole Zhong Kui business through. The Unversed Ghost, hearing the two words SLAYING GHOSTS, and owning as he did a ghost-name of that very cut, couldn't help a stir within — as they say, curse a monk and the whole temple feels the heat — but he kept his head down. Then the Quick-Welsher brought out the request for the letter. The Unversed said: "Your student's talent is sparse and his learning shallow — I only fear to fail the commission." At that the Windbag Ghost flared up: "What THING is this Zhong Kui, so bold — daring to break ground on the Tai-sui's own head! Old Society-President: write the letter GRAND, so he knows what scholarship we keep — then he'll not dare look us level in the eye. And if that doesn't serve, we'll get up a public petition next." The Unversed said: "Sit, sirs, while your student ransacks his dried-up guts." Then such a twisting left and pinching right — no counting how many beard-hairs he snapped — and after several full hours the draft came forth. And what did it say?

"Your kinsmen-of-the-year, pupils-in-attendance So-and-So and others, bow their heads, presenting this missive to the honored elder Zhong Kui, general, beneath his banner: We have heard that when the former kings governed the world, each ruled his own state and each mothered his own people; none strove with another — all to put down arms. We know not what report has brought you, sir; yet you would cut US down, one and all. Let us reason then precisely of cutting. Mencius says: the influence of a gentleman is CUT OFF in five generations; and the influence of a small man is CUT OFF in five generations too. Since we here are at once gentlemen AND small men, that we ought not to be cut is clear as day — and yet you, sir, insist on cutting us. But if you may cut us, sir — may not WE cut YOU, old sir? If you can read the signs and act, then gather your shade-soldiers and tell them: what the enemy wants is my head; I shall take it elsewhere — were that not the good part? But if not — then we, blazing in our wrath, shall lovingly dress our ranks, and you shall see bows and arrows drawn taut, spears, dagger-axes, axes waving. They strove for cities with war: the slain filled the cities; they strove for land with war: the slain filled the wilds. And what, sir, will you do about THAT? We trust you to weigh it all — and leave no room for after-regret. Unelaborated."

The company read it and rejoiced greatly: "Trust the master's high talent! — so winding, and yet so ringing-firm. One look and he'll roll up his armor and reverse his spears." The Windbag Ghost said: "The letter's words are fine as far as they go — but it still wants ME along in person. With this three-inch unrotting tongue of mine, I'll talk him dead-hearted and flat-grounded — he'll never make small of us again." The Filth Ghost and the rest rejoiced the more — and had to pool coppers for wine to toast the Windbag's send-off. The Windbag drank his three cups, took the letter, and swaggered off head-high.

Now tell we of Zhong Kui, who since putting down the Brazenface Ghost had been summering against the May heat in those hills. That day he was enjoying the pomegranate blossom with Xian and Fu when the shade-soldiers announced: "A licentiate outside, asking audience." — "Let him come." In strode the Windbag Ghost, high-gazing and wide-stepping, up to the front, where he stood at a long bow. Zhong Kui was several parts out of patience already: "What errand brings you?" The Windbag said: "I have heard: weapons are ill-omened tools and war a perilous business, which the sage takes up only when he cannot otherwise. Now you, sir, arriving here, have met — so far as we have heard — nothing you 'cannot otherwise'; and yet you would cut down, one and all, us people whose NAMES merely happen to be ghost. Human life touches Heaven. Will the Highest Emperor bless you for this? Your student could not sit by and watch; so I begged my humble friend to indite a letter, and bring it up to you with my own hands. But if you persist in your delusion — our public petition will not be spared, depend on it." — and he handed up the letter. Zhong Kui, who had blazed already at the speech, now looked at the letter-text: one whole page of gabble without one stroke of sense anywhere in it. He dashed the letter to the ground, gave one great shout, and — hand up, sword down — hacked clean through the fellow's windbag-sinews and windbag-guts together. And gab he never could again.

Then he led the shade-soldiers straight off to find the Filth Ghost and the rest. And midway as they marched — a roar of voices shaking the ground, killing-cries charging the sky! It was the Filth Ghost and the Pennypinch Ghost: at the Windbag's send-off the pooled coppers had come out unequal — the Filth Ghost had pooled one copper short, with a few small coins slipped up his sleeve besides; the Pennypinch couldn't stomach it; and the two had fallen to open feud, and were at each other with their house-troops. Zhong Kui, not knowing who they were, called a distant onlooker and asked — and learned these were the very two ghosts from the letter. He made to go cut them down at once, but Xian Yuan said: "Softly, my lord, and swallow the anger a moment. This is called: when two tigers fight, one must be mauled. Wait till one's mauled — then we slay the other the easier." So Zhong Kui pitched camp and watched — of which no more.

Now the Filth and Pennypinch were in the thick of the melee when there rose one great shout — and look: both houses' troops had melted away! And why, do you ask? Those two had shorted their house-troops' rations all their days, and every man of them nursed the grudge; and now, seeing Zhong Kui's camp pitched hard by, they reckoned that whatever the merit won there'd never be a reward — so they scattered. The two ghosts, angrier than ever, could only draw their raw-blades and go to gouging one another; and by and by both bore heavy wounds, and the sons of both houses came out and dragged each his father home.

And now tell how the Filth Ghost, home again, reckoned he'd not live — and dreading that his death would cost his son a coffin, stole out by night and leapt into the privy-pit and died. As the verse says:

No clean man while he lived —
in death, the Filth Ghost once again.

And tell how the Pennypinch Ghost, hearing the Filth Ghost was dead, and seeing himself one body of heavy wounds, reckoned he'd not last alone either, and gave his son his charge: "Your father scraped and clawed, and clawed together this bit of property — enough for YOUR days. Only: once I'm dead, sell the flesh of my body QUICK. The weather's blazing — let it spoil, and folk won't pay." — and with that, two streams of heartbroken tears, one great cry, and alas and alack, he was gone. But in a little while he came drifting back to life; and his son said: "Father — is there something still tugging at you?" The Pennypinch said: "I fear the buyers will use their BIG steelyard. Be careful, boy — don't you take a loss. That's what was tugging." — and with that off his mind, he died content. And who'd have thought: the son proved filial indeed, and would not cross his father's dying word, but cut him up small and retailed him out by the piece. Call that: serving the dead as you served the living, and the departed as the still-here. Enough of that.

Now tell we of the Quick-Welsher Ghost and the Unversed Ghost, at just that hour when their eyes watched for triumphant banners and their ears strained for good news — when suddenly a small ghost reported: "It's bad! Zhong Kui's come! Master Windbag's killed! Filth Ghost and Pennypinch both dead! It's every man save his own life now!" — and with the words he was out the door, and in a wink fled past all trace. The Unversed Ghost at the news lost his three hun-souls and dropped his seven po-souls; with never a thought for brush, inkstone, lute, or books, he ran to the well in the back court, and — GU-DONG! — went down to be a licentiate of the water. Only the Quick-Welsher Ghost was left; he hurried home, barred his gate, and would not come out. Zhong Kui led the shade-soldiers, ringed his house, and stormed it day and night. Stormed till the Quick-Welsher was well and truly PRESSED — whereat he had his son hoist out a signboard: the character RETURN changed to SURRENDER — "SURRENDER TOMORROW WITHOUT FAIL."

Next day came, and the shade-soldiers were sent to ask why he hadn't surrendered. He answered: "It's written plain enough — 'surrender TOMORROW.' What are you doing asking TODAY?" Zhong Kui heard it and blazed: "So this rascal's 'tomorrow' has no bottom to it either!" — and pressed the assault with all force. The Quick-Welsher, seeing the wind set foul, could only snatch up a great halberd and come out fighting. From this side Fu Qu took the field; they fought a good while — then one ringing crash, and the Quick-Welsher was off his horse; the shade-soldiers piled on and took him. Zhong Kui made to cut him down — and the Quick-Welsher cried: "Doesn't count! Doesn't count! My horse stumbled — no art of yours! Cut me now and I die unsubmitted. Where's the great man who wins by another's mischance?" Zhong Kui laughed ha-ha: "So be it — I'll loose you to come again. A bird in the cage, a fish in the net — I'm not afraid you'll flee me into the Heaven Beyond Regret." The Quick-Welsher went home, changed to a silver-maned white horse, and came out killing again — and Zhong Kui on the White Ze, with Fu Qu, met him; and his hands too slow again, he was taken alive by Fu Qu once more. And the Quick-Welsher cried: "The IDEA! I'm one man; you're two. Taken, yes — call THAT heroic? If you've the art, single combat — no double-teaming!" Zhong Kui laughed: "You do know how to welsh — the name fits like the skin. I'll loose you ONCE more. Taken next time — what will you say then?" The Quick-Welsher went home again, threw over the halberd, took up a Pity-Me sword, and came out killing a third time; and Zhong Kui met him singly. How could the fellow stand up to it? A few passes and he broke and ran. Zhong Kui pressed hard behind — chased him to the bank of the Nothing-For-It River: no road ahead! The Quick-Welsher's face went gray. And in that scramble of a moment, out from the green shade poled a boat WITH NO STERN-END to it. The Quick-Welsher, dreaming of crossing to some further shift of life, fled aboard so headlong his foot missed the bow-plank — down he went into the water — and turned into a great soft-shelled turtle, neck drawn in, and would not come out again, not ever. As the verse says:

No shift left for dodging debts: the open mouth can welsh no welsh.
One method still for dodging men: pull in the head and play the turtle.

How it went thereafter — hear the next chapter tell.

Chapter Five — Forgetting a Father's Feud, They Swear Fast Friendship; Buying an Office, He Loses the Family Fortune Instead

The poem says:

For the heirs' sake he knits his brows, fretting by day and night,
fearing only the gold and silver won't hill up mountain-high.
The old man dies with unclosed eyes, still worried for his boy —
and the filial son forgets, with ease, revenge for his own sire.
The dice-cup has its gods, who levy off the wealth;
the flower-lanes have no bottom: the banknotes drop from sight.
Had he known today that ice would turn to snow,
he'd rue the years he played the horse and ox.

Why open with such a poem? Only because a man alive will scheme a thousand schemes to scrape together an estate — and then beget some wastrel offspring certain to rinse it to nothing. So the ancients said it well: the stingy hoarder of wealth is bound to beget a house-wrecking son. From of old till now that saying has been iron-plate law. Only Sima Wengong saw through to the bottom of it, who said: "Store up gold to leave your sons and grandsons — they may not keep it. Store up books to leave them — they may not read them. Better store up hidden merit in the unseen dark, as the long plan for posterity." If everyone would do as Sima Wengong did, the world would have no Filth and Pennypinch ghosts again. But alas — those who copy Sima Wengong are few, and those who copy Filth-and-Pennypinch are many; so the house-wrecking sons are past all numbering. How do we know? The Filth Ghost and the Pennypinch Ghost had each begotten a son, and each son stood a whole heaven apart from his sire. Once their fathers were dead, they took up the ways of Emperor Wu of Han — finding "the Han house institutions too narrow": everything must be lavish now; and trailing a pack of sponger friends, it was whoring or gambling and nothing else, and the estates were rinsed clean in no time. And though they got through a mighty quantity of goods, all they earned was two ghost-titles: the Filth Ghost's son was called the BEGGAR GHOST, and the Pennypinch Ghost's son was called the BOWL-PLAYER GHOST. That's the outline — now let it be told in detail.

Our story tells that Zhong Kui, when the Quick-Welsher had turned turtle, led his shade-soldiers off elsewhere. The Beggar Ghost, learning Zhong Kui was gone, settled in to enjoy himself at home with a quiet mind — only the house and its furnishings were nowhere up to his taste, and he fell to cursing his own father: "Old watch-the-money slave! Property enough, and no notion what to do with it. How many days does a man get alive? Why not wear some of it, eat some of it, spend some of it, sport some of it — and count it a life lived! What was all the scrimping FOR? You're dead today — why couldn't you take it along, instead of leaving this pile of stuff to burden ME? Well — I'm a man of some capacity: am I to let it pin me down?"

Just as he was scheming, in came a go-between leading a young fellow. And what did the young fellow look like? — A cap that goes round where it's pushed and square where it's squeezed; two shoes that bare the heel and shade the toe. Glazed shiny head to foot — his one fear, that the rag-picker's hook will snag him up; reeking all over — his other, that the night-soil man will ladle him off with the slops. Can't lift the light, can't heft the heavy: raised from a boy into a living curio; no use for letters, no use for arms: refined, full-grown, into a genuine rarity. As the verse says:

Never mind how many nails a sea-junk holds —
pull the nails, and all you've got is holes.

The Beggar Ghost asked: "Where's this lad from?" The go-between said: "Hearing the honored house was short of hands, I've brought him specially. His family, in its day, was wealthy too; only, petted from a boy, he never studied. Once his father died he acquired a whole body of accomplishments: cards he can play, dice he can throw, drink he can drink, whores he can visit; small songs, the banjo, the pipa; and as for wriggling through dog-holes and hopping over walls — those are his arts too. Careless east, careless west; loves his food, loves his drink, loves his clothes. And such a modest disposition — and SUCH correct conduct: what he wins off a man he'd never dream of dunning for; what others win off him — one is one and two is two, he'd never trouble their gate. That's how the family fortune went; and did anyone call him good for it? They hung a street-name on him instead: the DEADBEAT GHOST. Now he's at his wits' end and must hire out; he's asked at several doors and none would take him. Hearing your honored house was hiring, I've led him over. Only keep him, sir — I warrant you satisfaction in everything." The Beggar Ghost said: "Just the man I wanted! He comes in the nick." So an indenture of service was written, the go-between was tipped ten taels, and off she went delighted.

The Beggar Ghost said to the Deadbeat Ghost: "Day after day this steaming heat — where's a man to find some place to take the cool?" The Deadbeat said: "If it's cooling my lord wants, nothing easier. Ten li from here stands the Pavilion of Good Times. Water lies all before it, thick-planted with lotus; willows, pines, and cypress line the dike till not a speck of sun gets through — and clean beyond compare. Sit up there: golden orioles trill at your ear, lotus-scent strikes your nose; when a breeze crosses, the ripples roll jade; when the sun comes out, the willows sift gold. The choicest cooling-ground there is — why not go, my lord?" The Beggar Ghost said: "A place like that — of course we go. Only — me sitting there all alone is no savor at all; and you're my hired man: you can't keep me company at the table." The Deadbeat said: "Your servant has an acquaintance — a master-hand at making himself agreeable. Time was he made himself so agreeable to ME that I was delighted, and made him a present of a ghost-title: the LICKSPITTLE GHOST. If my lord wants company, shall I call him?" — "Excellent! Quick, go call him."

The Deadbeat was gone no long while and truly brought the Lickspittle Ghost. Behold him: a whole face of spring wind and mild airs; bowed at the waist and never daring to straighten; shoulders hitched and no hope of leveling. Before he speaks, he reads your face — one pair of eyes pinned to my lord's brows and whiskers. His body would sit, but his feet feel needles; his feet would walk, but dread too many stones. At sight of wine he forgets he has a life; meeting meat, his one grief is the size of his belly. Send him east, he dare not go west — anything for the master's smile. No shrinking from wind, no fear of rain — what's toil to him? And he has some choicer accomplishments yet: "Pray, master, carry no paper. When the master has performed his convenience, your servant will lick him clean — for fear the paper chafe his honored fundament."

So the Lickspittle Ghost came in at the door and knocked his head flat to the ground. The Beggar Ghost said: "No need of ceremony — pray sit." The Lickspittle deferred and deferred a long while and at last sat on the chair's very edge; and when the Beggar Ghost called his name once, he was on his knees that instant: "What orders has my lord?" The Beggar Ghost said: "The weather being fiery, I'm off to the Pavilion of Good Times to take the cool, and I want you along for company. Henceforth, none of this over-humility — all that's asked is that you keep your lord well amused." The Lickspittle bobbed a hurried bow: "My lord's instruction is exactly right." So a full proper table was laid — all mountain-dainties and sea-savors, dragon's liver and phoenix marrow by the count of it; two crocks of wine were carried; tall fine horses were mounted, jade-bitted, gold-saddled; and so they came to the Pavilion of Good Times.

But look — on the Pavilion of Good Times a party sat drinking already. And who do you think? The Pennypinch Ghost's son, the Bowl-Player Ghost, with two bosom friends: one called the SWINDLE GHOST, one called the FIB-FLINGER GHOST. This Bowl-Player, since the Pennypinch died, was of one mind with the Beggar Ghost — full of grievance that his father had never known how to live; so he had reformed the old institutions, and now it was dice and drink and pleasure daily, and today he was enjoying precisely this pavilion. The Beggar Ghost, seeing him, feared he might be minded to reckon up the feud their fathers died of, and hung back doubtful. But who'd have thought — the man's measure was broad and he bore no old grudges: down the pavilion steps he came hurrying to meet him. "Elder brother — come for pleasure here too? Your younger brother has long meant to carry the thorn-rod and beg pardon, only fearing you'd not receive me. To happen on you today is past all my hopes! And let's have no more talk of the old dog-rascals — it was THEIR falling-out that set us brothers at Shen-and-Shang." With that he ushered him up onto the pavilion. The Beggar Ghost for his part produced a few phrases of warm boilerplate, made his round-robin bow to the company, and titles were exchanged. Then the Beggar and the Bowl-Player fell to yielding each other the head seat, till the Swindle Ghost said: "By my reckoning — merge the two parties into one table: think of the liveliness!" And the Lickspittle said: "Oh capital, capital! Your small self, to the left of it or the right of it, will find nothing unsuitable anywhere in it."

So the two parties truly merged and sat: Beggar Ghost on the right, Bowl-Player on the left, the Swindle and Fib-Flinger ghosts facing as co-hosts, the Lickspittle sidesaddle at the corner, and the Deadbeat holding the pot to pour. Midway in the wine they fell to talking of the old men's meanness in their day — never a glimpse of daylight; "had it been US, this pavilion would have seen good times some hundreds of rounds by now." The Swindle Ghost said: "No more of all that — with such scenery in front of us, what's the good of going on about THEM? Masters both — we're for Wang Nineteen: drink!" And filling a brimmer he presented it to the Beggar Ghost and asked him to set the drinking-game going. The Beggar Ghost said: "Truth told — drink I can, but games I never learned to run. You run it for me." The Swindle Ghost deferred to the Bowl-Player; the Bowl-Player said the same. And why? Because neither house in the elder generation had ever once feasted a guest — so neither son had ever SEEN a drinking-game. The Swindle Ghost understood perfectly and pressed no one: "So be it — I'll run it for my lords." He drew over the dice-basin and said: "Each must recite a verse on wind, flower, snow, moon, plum, and willow; recite it wrong, and it's a great cup for forfeit." All begged him to explain more plainly, "that we may obey the rule." So the Swindle Ghost, dice in hand, recited: "Facing the moon, a man should pour for himself; the spring wind, wherever it reaches, is the same everywhere. East and west the sway and tug of willow-floss; flowers fill Heyang, one county-full. Plum-bloom opening, fragrance heard ten li; snowflakes wild-battering the rose-gem feast. Mis-say, mis-recite — impeachment certain: nothing under a great cup will settle it." He cast — and it came up a one. The Swindle Ghost filled a brimmer and handed it to the Beggar Ghost. The Beggar Ghost said: "What's this for?" — "The game your servant runs; the wine my lord drinks." The Beggar Ghost drank it.

Next the Bowl-Player was to cast. He cried: "Namo lord-oh! — this is the death of your little brother! Say it again, do." The Swindle Ghost said it all again; the Bowl-Player still recited two lines wrong; he threw a four; everyone's cup was filled; and he paid a great cup of forfeit besides. Then the Swindle Ghost was to throw. The Fib-Flinger said: "You've thrown once — how do you throw again?" The Swindle Ghost said: "It's my lord's game — I merely run it in his stead. Dare I disobey the rule?" He took up the dice and threw a six; and the Swindle Ghost, understanding his own rules perfectly, raised his cup and toasted the Beggar Ghost one, and gave the Fib-Flinger one besides. The Fib-Flinger said: "And what's THIS for?" — "The rule says snowflakes wild-battering the rose-gem feast — so I batter at random." Then the Lickspittle said: "And how is it none of the battering ever reaches ME? Am I to sit dry the whole while?" So the Swindle Ghost bestowed a cup on him too. The cup came round; the Fib-Flinger threw a two, and went filling every cup at the table. The Swindle Ghost said: "A great crock of forfeit, if you please." The Fib-Flinger said: "I OBEYED the rule! Why fine me? The rule says the spring wind, wherever it reaches, is the same everywhere — shouldn't everyone drink alike?" The Swindle Ghost said: "You don't understand: it goes by the pips. You threw a two-spot — you toast exactly two parties and have done." So the Fib-Flinger swallowed his forfeit. Last it came to the Lickspittle, who hoped with all his soul for a six or a four and a cup to drink — and threw a THREE, and had to pour up and down the table, in real distress; and catching the company off guard, he took a whole wine-pot mouth-to-spout and secretly drank it off at one breath.

Now in the middle of all this fine drinking the red sun had already sunk west. The Beggar Ghost said: "Here we are at the top of our pleasure and dusk on us already. Where's a good place to pass the night, and make a whole night's joy of it?" The Swindle Ghost said: "What's hard in that? Mother Liu Jin's house is no way from here — why not lodge there?" The Bowl-Player said: "And what sort of person is Mother Liu Jin, that we can go to her?" The Swindle Ghost said: "My lords don't know? This Mother Liu Jin has two daughters — one named TOPPLES-THE-CITY, one named TOPPLES-THE-KINGDOM — with looks to shut in the moon and shame the flowers, faces to sink fish and drop wild geese. Should not my lords make their acquaintance — or is this outing to be wasted?" The Beggar and the Bowl-Player, at those words, went numb down one whole side, and said: "Why didn't you SAY so sooner! Quick — let's be gone." So the whole party left the Pavilion of Good Times and pressed forward. No great way on, a big market-town rose ahead. The Beggar Ghost asked: "What place is this?" The Swindle Ghost said: "This is called FLOWER-SMOKE FORT." They came up into the fort, and there lay a great pit, and over it a single-log footbridge. The Beggar Ghost asked again: "And what's the meaning of this?" — "This is called GOT-MONEY BRIDGE — sense of it being: the moneyed are welcome to come look; the unmoneyed needn't come looking. My two lords being moneyed men — look all you please." The two were delighted to the heart's core.

At Mother Liu Jin's gate the Swindle Ghost led them in. Mother Liu said: "Gentlemen all! What wind blows you here today?" — then, seeing the Beggar and the Bowl-Player: "These two lords' faces are strange to me." The Swindle Ghost said: "New friends of ours. The pair of them keep ten thousand strings of family money, and today they've come on purpose to call on your two young ladies. Fortune's own star crosses your door — and you'd still be slow with them?" Mother Liu, at the ring of MONEY, was glad till the piss rolled and the water flew; she said to the two: "This old bawd had eyes and no pupils — pardon, my two lords, pardon!" — and down went her head to knock. Now the Beggar and Bowl-Player had never in their lives walked this particular road and knew nothing of its usages; all they saw was an old body of some years knocking her head — so they hurried out a "Venerable granny!" apiece and bowed back. Mother Liu ushered them in to the upper room — and see how trim it was all laid out: at the head, enshrined, their WHITE-BROWED GOD; in the middle a square table with eight crossed-back chairs; bronze censers and antique paintings down both sides — altogether airy and fine. The company sat in their order; presently came a course of tea steeped on fruit-kernels. Mother Liu bustled her two daughters out — and lovely they were in earnest. Behold: hair blue-black and glistening; faces white and creamy; brows fine and curving; feet little and tip-tilted; figures straight as pulled silk. Above, jackets of lotus-root gauze; below, skirts of broad white sarcenet.

The two of one countenance, dressed to one pattern — a very pair of immortal maids come down among men. They made their bows to the company, prim and true; and the Beggar and Bowl-Player itched with delight over their whole hearts and had nowhere to scratch, and stared without one turn of the eye. The maids brought up the Eight-Immortals table; the Beggar and Bowl-Player took the top as before, Swindle and Fib-Flinger accompanied as before, the two sisters sat sidesaddle, and the Lickspittle tucked in at the table-corner. Up came the great platters and great bowls — fowl and fish and fruits, sea-savors and meats and all. So the company fell to guess-fists and horse-race toasts; and the Deadbeat Ghost went off alone to sit in the lower rooms.

The Fib-Flinger said: "Will not the two elder sisters favor us with one clear song apiece, to press the wine on their two lords?" So Topples-the-City beat the measure and sang to the tune "Yellow Oriole":

"The Wushan dream was at its sweetest toil,
when I heard a guest come knocking at my wicker door.
Before the window, light, I set my pear-blossom face to rights;
the lovebird quilt cast off a while,
spring feeling freshly stirred.
Before this feast I'll not begrudge the wonder of a voice —
but loosen, sir, the head-cloth gifts, and freely:
THAT is a young blade's style."

Truly, when the song comes out of a fair one's mouth, there's beam-circling sound in earnest. The company praised past praising: "Such a person as this elder sister, and such wondrous music — were our two lords not men of fortune, how should they ever deserve it?" Then they called on Topples-the-Kingdom, who took up the same tune and sang:

"A young blade's style it is:
the head-cloth brocade tossed free without a pause;
a thousand gold will always buy the fair one's smile.
Heart astir, thought astir; soul a-toil, dream a-toil —
and gallantry lets no one know.
Ask the young gentlemen:
how much idle sorrow have you? —
Send it climbing up the brow-tips, and be done."

The company cried: "Bravo! bravo! bravo! — fresh-new, and dead on the theme: hard work well done, elder sister!" The Beggar Ghost said: "You've put the two ladies to the trouble of singing — why don't you all return them a song?" The Swindle Ghost said: "Nothing easier — I've a 'Beating the Jujube-Pole' to sing them." And clapping time with his hands he sang:

"You two sweet plagues! I love your trim little figures,
and I love your dressing so wickedly dashing,
and more I love your singing's born-so wonder:
one an oriole trilling, one a swallow soft.
Hearing your voices — darlings, it's truly finely sung!"

That set the whole table laughing; and the turn came round to the Fib-Flinger, who said: "Sing I can't. I'll tell a joke instead." — and told it: "A family had two brothers in trade together. The elder took a thousand taels south to buy stock, saw a peerless miss of the lanes, and went whoring — whored the whole thousand taels to nothing and couldn't go home. The miss, mindful of their tender bond, set up a shrine-room and enshrined him in it, giving out he was a Hairy God: every caller who came to sport must sacrifice to him first. The younger brother, missing him at home, took two hundred taels and went to find his elder. Find him he didn't — but he found a miss, and would go sporting too. Says the miss: 'Our house keeps a Hairy God, mighty answerable to prayer. All callers must sacrifice to him.' So the offerings were laid, and midway in the rite the god saw it was his own brother, and leaped out crying: 'Brother! how much silver have you brought to whore with?' 'Two hundred,' says the younger. Says the elder: 'Home with you, quick! I brought a THOUSAND, and whored my way up to Hairy God. On YOUR couple of hundred you'll just about make a hairy BALL.'" — Then he knelt down flat: "Your small one has misspoken!" The Swindle Ghost said: "Their lordships take no offense — if you've more good ones, out with them." The Fib-Flinger said: "I've one more whoring joke, then, and done." — and told it: "A man well on in years — age high but spring-feeling undiminished — would still go sporting. Only, his yang-thing was softer than the leather, and couldn't make the furnace. So he schemed a scheme: he smuggled in a strip of fence-bamboo to splint it. The miss, disliking the prickle of it, says: 'Send in the PRINCIPAL only, if you please — I'm not fond of these hangers-on he brings.'" — The ghosts all roared. The Lickspittle said: "You've offended their two lordships and now you'd drag US into the water too!" The Fib-Flinger said: "Never mind ME — let's see what art YOU have to press wine on their lordships." The Lickspittle said: "I am wholly at the two elder sisters' orders — bid me anything, and that thing I do." Topples-the-City said: "I want you to do a donkey's bray." So the Lickspittle brayed three brays. Topples-the-City said: "Doesn't count, doesn't count! You must kneel on the ground, in a donkey's own posture, and give three GREAT brays — then it counts." The Lickspittle said: "What's hard in that?" — knelt promptly, and brayed three mighty brays, and the room laughed without end. Then the Lickspittle presented a cup to Topples-the-City, and filled another for Topples-the-Kingdom. Topples-the-Kingdom said: "If you'd have me drink your cup — nothing for it but you kneel, balance it on your head, call me 'my own own mother dearest,' and say 'drink this cup your son offers, ma' — then I'll drink." The Lickspittle said: "Nobody ever died of THAT." — and truly, cup on crown, kneeling on the ground, he called: "My own own mother dearest! Drink this cup your son offers, ma!" Topples-the-Kingdom, laughing: "There's a filial son for you!" — took it and drank.

Then the company said: "We'll beg leave to withdraw." — and indeed the two young wasters could hardly wait for them to scatter. They pulled the Swindle Ghost outside the blind and asked him low: "This business — can we manage it or can't we? Instruct us." The Swindle Ghost said: "What's hard in it? Only be free with the silver, and all is handsome." The two received this great teaching and stood up a spend-gold-like-dirt resolve on the spot. So the company went off to sleep in the outer rooms; and the Beggar Ghost took Topples-the-City's hand, and the Bowl-Player took Topples-the-Kingdom's, and each went into a bedchamber. And in those chambers: flower-pear bedsteads come from the Two Guangs; gold-traced wardrobes out of Su-Hang. Peach-red and willow-green heaped high on the clothes-rack; flowered damask and spring silk piling quilt on quilt atop the kang. A dressing-case finely painted with the West Lake prospects; a face-mirror cast with the East Sea's chi-dragon coils. Add one vase of cassia-oil whose clean scent strikes the nose — and one bolt of red silk with a certain musky reek to it. As the verse says: the misses have played out their thousand uglinesses — and done to death full many a gold-sprinkling man.

The two had never in their lives beheld such fittings and such finery; their heart-flowers opened for joy: for all the world like Liu Chen and Ruan Zhao blundering into Tiantai, or like Zhu Bajie arrived in the Western Paradise, their feet knew not high from low. When the maid came to pull their boots, they tipped her five taels on the spot; she kowtowed her thanks and went off overjoyed. And the pair of them took more pains that night than ever bridegrooms did at the first wedding. The two misses, seeing what large-handed spenders they had, flattered them a hundred ways against the pillow; and were it not that the Register of Life and Death had no death written for them there, the two had all but flattered their lives clean away. There we leave the Beggar and the Bowl-Player each in his chamber.

Now tell we of the Fib-Flinger, who said to the Swindle and Lickspittle ghosts: "Their two lordships are gone in to bed; you and I must find some heart's-ease of our own." The Lickspittle said: "I have mine found already! I noticed those bones not yet gnawed clean — I'll go give them another stroll and a rub: first, no wasting of good things; second, it settles the fidgets." — and off he went to gnaw bones. Then said the others: "But where's the Deadbeat got to?" They sought him out in the back garden: by the fish-pond lay a slick mud-hollow, and he — the weather being fiery and the wine in him — lay stretched in the slick mud and would not rise. The Fib-Flinger said to the Swindle Ghost: "THEY've all something doing — how are you and I to sleep? Better call Mama Liu and ask where there's a game going, and we'll go play some money — what say?" So they called out Mother Liu Jin and asked. She said: "In the river-bend here, on Lure-Man Street, in Snare Alley, at BEND-MAN POT's house, there's a table running all hours. That's where the lords should go for play." The Fib-Flinger said: "There's a queer-cornered name! How does a man come to be called Bend-Man Pot?" Mother Liu said: "Thereby hangs the reason. The man's surname is Ren. From a boy he'd no taste for the straight road: gambling daily, he played the estate to nothing, and then trained up into one of your broken-house sharks that skim the pot and lend the stakes. His whole house is three rooms — one hall, two chambers: one side's his son and daughter-in-law's room, the other side runs the table. The son's forever away from home." The Swindle Ghost said: "Away at what?" — "Selling lathe-turnery." — "So he can TURN, can he?" — "He's struck in with a partner who can turn; himself, he only tags along and turns blind. Well: one night the play ran to midnight, all had scattered save one they call the LOSE-IT-ALL GHOST, who hadn't gone. Bend-Man went out to relieve himself; coming back, there's Lose-It-All in bed with his daughter-in-law! Up went the row, out came the neighbors, and when they'd heard the ins of it the crowd said: 'Third watch of the night, and you leave a bare-stick single man loose in the house — the fault's your own. The mute eats his bitter-herb: keep the bitterness in your belly.' Bend-Man, shamed scarlet and choking, went and jumped in the well. The crowd scrambled to fish him out — clothes soaked through, one whole water-egg of a man — and by luck not dead; but the neck-bone snapped, and he healed up into a pot-hunch. So, living in the river-BEND, and being hunched to a POT — Bend-Man Pot. Since when he's torn the face clean off the business and added this other line of trade on top." The two heard it out well pleased, and went off cheerful.

Past Lure-Man Street and through Snare Alley — three rooms, sure enough. They pushed the double brushwood gate and went in; Bend-Man Pot at the sight of them was all delight. They sat: "We've come to play some money — any players?" — the words weren't done when in from outside came a man. Behold: a wind-gourd cap cocked askew on his head; double-point boots trodden down at heel. On the wind-gourd cap, head-grease two fingers thick; on the double-point shoes, dust and grime half a catty. Hand-strip streamers trailing the ground; brown gown unbuttoned, breast forever bare. Walking, he twists left and pinches right — all his own flourish; talking, the tongue's quick and the teeth are sharp — mighty clever in his own eyes. At play, though, honest as day: lose what he may, the face never reddens. Only that face is broad and catches every wind — the very ancestor of land-sellers.

The Swindle Ghost asked: "Who's this gentleman?" Bend-Man Pot said: "He lives at my next wall. A born lover of the dice and utterly fair-handed: he's played the better half of ten thousand strings of patrimony away, and folk have sent him a great title for it — the LOSE-IT-ALL GHOST." The Fib-Flinger said: "Ah — that's eighteen coppers laid out in two rows." Lose-It-All said: "How do you mean?" The Fib-Flinger said: "Long heard of you, long heard of you." The Swindle Ghost said: "Three hands is still no table — one house more were best." Bend-Man Pot was gone no long while and fetched another. This one was a hard case indeed. Behold: cheeks like a monkey's jowls; nose like a hawk's beak. One face with never a drop of blood in it; ten fingers exactly like steel hooks. Sooner I wrong all men than any man wrong me: rare talents got direct from Cao Cao — having eaten the flesh, he'll suck the marrow after; wondrous arts received of the fox-fairy line. As for a conscience — that he dropped back in the dark offices long ago. A thousand reckonings and contrivances — would he dare come out of the womb without them? Ask this creature's name and style: the four seas call him the SKINFLINT GHOST.

This was the man Bend-Man Pot hooked in — the Skinflint Ghost, a master-hand at pinching the ace and riding the six-four. They sat and the play began; and in one night the Lose-It-All Ghost lost a hundred and eighty strings. And from then on it was: by day the Swindle and Fib-Flinger squired the Beggar and Bowl-Player at their whoring; by night, here to gamble. Inside a few nights the Lose-It-All Ghost had lost house and land, wife and pair of children, all sold, all gone. The night came when the four sat again and Lose-It-All said: "It's on tick for me tonight, sirs." The Swindle Ghost said: "We're guest playing guest here: stakes on the table, win or lose. None of your ticks." Lose-It-All said: "House and ground are sold to the last. But I've still a vegetable garden, planted all through with hazel-fruit trees. If I lose, tomorrow the garden goes to clear the score." So the four fell to again. Now Lose-It-All's temper was its own kind: winning, he'd never rise; if the table quit, he'd clutch them back to play until he'd lost some — THEN he'd leave off. So the tick-scores mounted and mounted. The Fib-Flinger whispered to the Swindle Ghost: "Look at the shape of him — where's OUR money to come from there? Watch your brother fling one fib, swindle the Skinflint's coat off him, and let's be gone." So the Fib-Flinger said to the Skinflint: "I see your coat, elder brother, is the very cut of the season. I've a friend to call on — lend it me to wear a turn?" The Skinflint said: "Half a month's fellowship between us — what's a loan?" The two took the coat, drank a little more for show, and were gone before dawn. In no time they came scurrying back all flustered: "Wine ruins business! We've LOST your coat, elder brother — what's to be done?" The Skinflint said: "You lost it, you make it good." The Swindle Ghost said: "Made good it shall be — what's it worth?" The Skinflint reckoned inwardly, "not worth three taels at bottom" — and said aloud: "Five taels." The Fib-Flinger said: "Fellowship first, sirs — never haggle it. Take the whole eight taels of our winnings for it, and count us never to have won." The Skinflint said: "Done, so." — and the two ghosts left.

Then the Skinflint, caring nothing whether Lose-It-All had it or hadn't, clamped on and dunned him then and there. Lose-It-All said: "That garden of mine — I've just now lost the hazel-fruit off it too. You get nothing." The Skinflint blazed: "Bark and grass, it's all money!" — and stripped Lose-It-All's clothes off his whole body, trousers and all. He reckoned it still short. Lose-It-All, in fury too: "There's nothing else — save one bare essence-fart. Take THAT if you'll have it!" The Skinflint blazed: "An essence-fart is still an ASSET!" — and Lose-It-All, past all enduring, saw a razor lying on the windowsill, snatched it, clenched his teeth — one rasp — and cut the thing clean off, roaring: "TODAY I've lost down to the bare shine — not even the essence-fart is left me!" — and swooned in a heap on the floor. It frightened the Skinflint into running like the wind. As the old saw says: no man dies easy till the heart quits. He lay a blank half-hour before he hummed and hawed back to life; Bend-Man Pot, nothing for it, nursed him half a month and more till he mended somewhat, and then said: "Look at the state of you: the money-men won't have you now, and hardship you never learned to bear. Our NEVER-DONE TEMPLE here wants a man to beat the drum and knock the bell — off with you there and knock it." So Lose-It-All, nothing for it, went off to the Never-Done Temple to strike the ringing iron, bare as he was born. And this is ever the way of it:

Gambled till house, ground, wife were all sold off —
left bare and dockless, beating the ringing iron.

Now tell we of the Beggar and the Bowl-Player, who lodged at Mother Liu Jin's above half a month, till the better part of both estates was gone. Then one day there arrived a young gentleman with a train of servants — the son of his Honor Jia of the prefecture itself. The Swindle Ghost plucked the two out, and the whole party slipped away together: "HE's come — we'll pitch camp elsewhere another day; for now, go." The two, nothing for it, turned home. The Beggar Ghost gathered the company at his own house and sat them down, choking with vexation, and said to the Bowl-Player: "See what weight an official family swings! And we, with no CAREER, can hardly live. Had you and I any career at all, great or small, we'd be sitting there beside him yet. Even yielding the girls to him — we'd not have slunk home so faceless as this." The Bowl-Player heaved a sigh and said nothing. The Swindle Ghost seized the opening: "If it's a career my lords want, no hard matter: lay out a few thousand taels, and your servant will spend his strength — off to Chang'an to work it through for you. Never mind a mere career: to sit a yellow-hall prefect like that young lord's father is easy bought. And once in office, claw back a few hundred thousand and come home — whore when you please, dice when you please: who'll say you half a 'no'?" The Bowl-Player said: "Is office really so easily done?" The Fib-Flinger took it up: "What's hard? At court now the chancellor in power is Li Linfu, and greedy for bribes as the sea. Only get onto his books, and there's office for you the same day. My one fear is my lords will grudge the silver. If you won't grudge it, your small one will second brother Swindle along — depend on it, all safe as houses." That speech set the two on fire: "How much silver will it want?" The Swindle Ghost cut an eye at the Fib-Flinger, who fell silent; then the Swindle made a show of reckoning a while, sucked a long breath through his teeth, and said: "For my two lords to make officials — at the lightest it still wants some thousands; less won't do the business." The Beggar Ghost drew the Bowl-Player out, and they schemed in private a while; then came in, settled the Swindle and Fib-Flinger with the Lickspittle to keep them company, and went off to scrape the silver together — for such is the fever of the office-hungry: they'd have them start that very day.

Now each of the two had owned ten thousand strings of patrimony; but in the days at Mother Liu's, to keep face before the misses, every gambling-score had been sent for from home before ever they left, paid over in front of the girls, and carried back by the several winners. So these five thousand taels emptied both purses to the seams. The silver was wrapped and sealed before their eyes; men were sent to hire beasts; the loads were lashed; the Swindle and Fib-Flinger were feasted with wine and rice, charged and charged a thousand times over, and seen off on the road. And the two young masters straightway began rehearsing their official airs: walking with the big sway and the wide swagger, lacing their talk with "elder-brother-of-the-year" this and "elder-brother-of-the-year" that — as if the gauze cap were already faced onto their heads. Who'd have thought: three months they waited, four — and never one whisper of news. The silver gone from the house, everything little by little ran bleak.

One day, in the thick of the doldrums, came the Fib-Flinger — and by luck the Bowl-Player was at the Beggar Ghost's too. The two pressed him: "Well?? How stands it?" The Fib-Flinger sighed: "We reached Chang'an and were just seeking our door in — when, as crooked luck would have it, we ran straight into Zhu Ci's rebellion. We took counsel and turned for home to try again later. And on the road we struck rebel soldiery: the silver — seized; brother Swindle — killed outright; only your small one fled with his life. That we meet today makes me a man twice-born." The two wasters at this news screamed great and small, spat fresh blood, and dropped sensless to the floor. The Fib-Flinger picked himself up and was gone in one streak of smoke. And where do you think he went? He and the Swindle Ghost had built the snare together: two stages out they'd stopped at a rest-house, paid off the original porters, hired fresh mules, and swung away south for Nanjing — and there being indeed news of Zhu Ci's rising, they dared not travel on; so the Swindle Ghost sat tight at the inn while the Fib-Flinger came back to plant the tale, dressed in true circumstance, and flung this one grand fib in the two wasters' faces; then off he posted to rejoin the Swindle Ghost, halved the silver with him, and went into trade at Nanjing.

The two wasters, when they came round, had nowhere to spill their fury — when in came the Deadbeat Ghost, saying: "No rice in the house for dinner. Money, please, and your servant will go buy." The Beggar Ghost said: "Money WHERE? Will nothing come but buying?" The Deadbeat said: "No money, no rice — are we to starve to death then?" The Beggar Ghost, square in the wind of his rage, heard those two sentences, snatched up a cudgel, and laid it over his head — and who'd have thought: the one blow struck the Deadbeat Ghost dead. The Bowl-Player said: "In the fix we're in, you go and make us a life-case too! Now what?" The Beggar Ghost stared blank a while, then said: "Our luck, at least, that the Lickspittle saw we'd gone poor and went off to lick spittle elsewhere — were he here, seeing this, we'd be bare to him. It's you and I alone must find the shift." The Bowl-Player thought: "Say he died of the cholera-sickness; buy him a thin-shell coffin, case him and bury him; he's got no kin to press it — it need only fool the street's eyes and ears." The Beggar Ghost said: "And where have I money for a coffin NOW? A mat to roll him in must serve." The Bowl-Player said: "Bad. Roll him in a mat and this broken head sticks out at the end — worse still. Better we carry him to that caved-in dry well in the back garden and let him go DEADBEAT once for all, the whole man at one drop. If any ask — he's run off." And so it was done. Mark it, honored readers: such was the Deadbeat Ghost's latter end.

And the two wasters went poorer day by day: the land sold, the house sold too — till the Beggar Ghost was left exactly one door-propping staff, and the Bowl-Player exactly one bowl. The two sighed: "Trust the elders after all — to leave us these two capital things! But for them, shouldn't we have missed our footing entirely?" So the Beggar Ghost took up his staff, and the Bowl-Player took up his bowl, and they entered at last upon the family calling proper to them both.

One day, begging along the street, they heard a high hail behind them; and turning, whom should they see but the Quick-Welsher's son, the STREET-BAWLER GHOST. The Beggar Ghost said: "Elder brother! How come YOU into this line of business?" The Street-Bawler said: "My late father leaned on welshing alone and scraped up nothing; the airy-thin property he did leave, I made over wholesale to other folk. Your little brother, at wits' end, mastered this art — and find it leisurely and free, at that. But you two were the easy-circumstanced ones: half a year out of sight, and come to this likewise?" The two said: "Don't raise it." — and told the whole foregoing tale; then: "We're friends-in-adversity now, and our fathers before us kept company. Let's swear the bond outright, and hold one another up." The talk striking home, they went together into the Earth God's temple, knocked heads some knocks, and were sworn brothers — and proved loving past the common truly: by day they ate together, by night lodged together; nothing like your womb-born brothers with their Shen-and-Shang squabbling.

One day all three had gone into the Great King's temple to take the cool, when a man came scurrying: "Hide, quick, hide! Zhong Kui's come AGAIN!" The three started: "He's been gone this long while — how is he back today?" The man said: "You don't know? He went off to Short-of-Truth Mountain, where there's a PHONY GHOST, mighty in arts — his doings all wind-snatching and shadow-grabbing, his talk all sky-plaster and earth-blanket — and it took Zhong Kui some hundreds of battles to cut him down. Riding back from killing the Phony Ghost, he met the Lickspittle on the road. And the Lickspittle proved a very poor stick: the moment Zhong Kui laid hold of him he blabbed in terror, mouthful on mouthful — and gave up all three of YOUR names. Zhong Kui has sentenced him to the shade-army for an outside-department physician — of the boil-sucking, hemorrhoid-licking line — and now he's coming for you three. I'm the GROUND-SLINK GHOST; I run warnings on purpose." — and with that, gone.

The three were still between doubt and belief when horns rang to the sky and the Great King's temple was ringed about. The Street-Bawler said: "No help for it now — stand to him. I'll raise the war-shout here; you two take the field." The Beggar Ghost, dog-beating staff in fist, flung himself forward. Zhong Kui gave one great shout like mountain toppling on earthquake, and the Beggar's bones went soft and his sinews slack; he dropped the staff and flew for the rear. Zhong Kui gave chase; the Bowl-Player met him — up went the bowl, hacking straight for Zhong Kui's face, in full hope of the one-bowl kill; Zhong Kui's treasure-sword parried — one crisp CRACK — and the bowl flew to flinders. The Bowl-Player cried: "Done for, done for! The very rice-tool's gone — if we don't surrender now, what are we waiting for?" So all three knelt in a row, wailing: "Weigh it, lord — we were sons of good families born; only, failing to keep our portion, we beggared ourselves, and took to this trade for sheer want, and folk hung these ghost-names on us. Spare our lives, master! — none of us ever WISHED to be ghosts of this kind." Zhong Kui said: "Failing to keep your portion IS the rogue's own trade. What are you good for?" The three wailed again: "Yet the fault's not all ours either! Our grandsires and fathers — the stingy stingy, the welshing welshing, the filthy filthy, the pinching pinching — it was THEY stored us up and made us. Has your worship never heard: the miser-hoarder must beget the house-wrecking son? — and that ill-got welshers' gear never thrives?" Zhong Kui laughed a great ha-ha: "By your telling, there's reason in it too. Still — idle hands and loafing feet are no lasting law." So he gave each man forty strokes, for warning against the time to come; and then bestowed on each a hundred cash, for pity of their want. And the three, seeing Zhong Kui's rewards and penalties dealt so clean, submitted from the heart, mended themselves, and made new men of it. And this is ever the way:

The whole estate burnt through — grandpa schemed his thousand years for nothing;
master the begging trade — and even a good son earns his hundred cash.

What followed after — see the next installment tell.

Chapter Six — He Swindles Men, and Men Claw Him Back; The Fib-Flinger Teaches a Ghost to Filch Corpses

The lyric says:

The wheel of worldly matters — when will it be done?
This one on credit barely gone, that one comes along to dun.
It's always thus: the honest bond-folk few,
so blue Heaven made the world run small.
By luck Zhong Kui is good at heart:
he clears away the crooked and the stubborn —
then first you feel the east grow light.
Let them shift their thousand cunning shapes:
one court-session cuts it straight, like old Judge Bao.

Our story tells that the Swindle Ghost, having swindled the Beggar and Bowl-Player of their ten thousand taels and halved them with the Fib-Flinger, and fearing still the two might not lie down dead-hearted, had sent the Fib-Flinger back — to settle his household on the one hand and fling that one grand fib on the other, till the beggar begged and the bowl-player played his bowl. Then he and the Fib-Flinger went off to Nanjing and into trade in earnest. But man proposes so, and Heaven's pattern otherwise: requital rolls its wheel and misses nothing. How do we know? There's a poem in proof:

Boast no sly plot and no cunning device:
did unrighteous wealth ever fatten a house?
What drifts in on the river drifts out on the tide —
blue Heaven's requitals are never one hair wide.

This Swindle Ghost had taken a partner — none other than the Skinflint Ghost who clawed the Lose-It-All at Bend-Man Pot's table: having once crossed cups, they'd gone shares. But the Skinflint remembered the swindled coat; of every mace he sold he booked five candareens; and inside three months he had clawed off half the five-thousand-tael capital. The day came when the Swindle Ghost checked the books, found the great hole, and asked the Skinflint where it went. The Skinflint dodged and shuffled as his mouth pleased; the Swindle Ghost blazed, seized him, and struck. But who'd have thought — the Skinflint owned one matchless art: those ten fingers exactly steel hooks. He clawed the Swindle Ghost's skin up first, took the flesh off after, and in no time clawed him down to visible bone — and alas and alack, that was the end of him. The ward-heads and tithing-men, seeing him claw the Swindle Ghost dead, came in a body to take him — and he wheeled those talons till every man's skin hung open and every man ran blood; and the ward could not hold him, and was driven to report at the county court.

The magistrate was sitting the hall when the tithing-men came up: "Your small ones are the local watch. There's a certain Skinflint Ghost has clawed a certain Swindle Ghost to death; we went to take him, and his ten fingers being as hooks, he clawed us till we could not. We beg your worship send fast the runners to seize him — a moment's delay and he's fled; a life-case touches Heaven, and drags your small ones down with it." The magistrate heard, blazed, and ordered both ranks of fast-hands and the duty lictors: "Take him at speed and bring him before me!" They were gone no great while — and came back every man hugging his head. The magistrate said: "What fashion is this?" The lictors reported: "That Skinflint Ghost is cruel work in earnest. Your small ones bore your worship's command and went to take him; he wheeled open those talons — whoever met them was wounded, whoever touched them was torn. We could not close. We beg your worship draw some troops and horse to seize him." The magistrate shook his head: "Not so. One man — and equal to all you fast-hands and lictors together? As I read it, this creature is no human kind at all, but a crooked uncanny thing; troops and horse would go for nothing. You must seek me out some master of power and art, and bring me word; then he can be cleared away." The runners said: "Your small ones know not where such a master of arts may be. Let your worship hang out a proclamation of recruitment, and the man of power will come forward of himself." The magistrate, finding the sense in it, truly put out a proclamation, and thus it ran:

From the presiding magistrate of this county: for the expulsion of the crooked and the exorcism of the baleful, to save the living people. WHEREAS under the shining sky no place can be allowed to goblin-shapes that walk cross-formed, and in the transforming daylight no license given to wraith-things practicing their arts; and whereas the statutes have their express articles — even mediums and shamans standing under interdict — how much more one who is made a plain public harm? NOW of late this county, through want of virtue in its magistrate, who has failed to rectify and transform the people, suffers a crooked uncanny thing to work mischief: to wit the goblin called SKINFLINT GHOST, who with the heart of tiger and wolf, presuming upon his man-clawing art — his heart a very venom-snake, so that whoso meets him, the house is broken and the man destroyed; his hands as hooks of steel, so that whoso stands against him, the flesh is withered and the marrow drained — if he be not early taken and removed, the poisoned harm must spread. THEREFORE this notice, that all soldiers and people of the whole county may know: whoever has the valor to behead the crooked, or the art to seize the goblin; or who, being unable himself, can commend another; or, there being none here, can seek one from another county — let him but truly clear the harm and settle the people, and this county will not grudge a heavy reward. Let all bend strength and join hearts, and no man bring sorrow on himself. A SPECIAL NOTICE.

The proclamation was barely hung when — as the saying goes, no coincidence, no story — along came the Ground-Slink Ghost, saw the crowd ringed round it reading, and wormed in among them for a look: a notice recruiting masters of the Law to put down the Skinflint Ghost. The Ground-Slink said: "What's hard in THAT?" The crowd said: "Can YOU behead ghosts?" The Ground-Slink said: "I can't — but I can fetch the man who can." So they crowded him along to the magistrate, who took the hall and asked: "What art have you, to behead this ghost?" The Ground-Slink said: "Your small one has none. But your small one KNOWS the ghost-slayer: surnamed Zhong, named Kui, whom the Son of Heaven made the Great Demon-Queller God; he leads a Marshal, a General, and three hundred shade-soldiers. If your worship would be rid of this fiend, I reckon none but he will serve. Send a man of yours with your small one, and we'll go pray him here." The magistrate, delighted, rewarded the Ground-Slink with fifty taels, told off two fast-hands, and sent them flying with him on the errand.

Now tell we of Zhong Kui, who — the Beggar Ghost's business dispatched — found the season mid-autumn: the metal wind soughing, the jade dew dropping fine. Old Yan Qian'an has a poem in proof:

The gold wind blows bleak; the Chu sky runs long;
the light of mortal seasons is a dim and boundless thing.
At farmhouse hearths the rice steams white as cloud;
in hill-side plots the frost-ripe "wood-slaves" hang their scent.
The wild geese carry home-news — the Sky River far;
the crickets plead their parting-grief — the night at its long crown.
And more: now hills and streams have shed their leaves,
the idler's temple-locks go gray and gray as Pan's.

Zhong Kui led the shade-soldiers on at an easy pace, seeing all the way the withered willows with their crying crows, the cold wind starting the wild geese. And as he went, three men suddenly barred the road and knelt. Zhong Kui said: "What have you to say?" One knelt forward: "Your small one is the Ground-Slink Ghost." Zhong Kui said: "My very errand is slaying ghosts — how dare YOU come?" The Ground-Slink said: "Your small one is ghost in name, but harms no man. Today I come precisely to invite your worship to a slaying." — and he laid out the magistrate's earnest summons. Zhong Kui, well pleased, bade the two fast-hands go back ahead, and had the Ground-Slink lead the way — not to the county court, but straight after the Skinflint Ghost.

Now the Skinflint, having got the Swindle Ghost's goods and clawed the Swindle Ghost dead, and clawed the watch and the runners after, knew the magistrate would never let him lie; so he recruited a band of claw-handy men for soldiery, turned rebel, and set up for a king on HAWK-NOSE MOUNTAIN. The Ground-Slink knew it well, and led Zhong Kui straight to the mountain's foot. The sentries ran word up: "At the foot of the mountain is one Zhong Kui, with troops and captains, camp pitched, and his word is he'll behead the Great King!" The Skinflint heard and blazed; he made all trim at speed, took up a sickle-silver cudgel, and came charging down. From this side Fu Qu took horse, whirling his saber to meet him. The two fought a meal's length of time, no victor. Then the Skinflint dropped the cudgel, wheeled open the claws, and went raking at Fu Qu's face; Fu Qu could not fend him, and fell back beaten. Zhong Kui, seeing Fu Qu's face all blood, said: "How so bedraggled?" Fu Qu said: "He claws cruel hard in earnest — I never met such a fiend-ghost." Zhong Kui blazed, took sword, and went out; and the Skinflint came on with his cudgel again. And a rare killing it was: the sickle-silver cudgel never off the ear-rim; the green bronze sword never off the brow-peak. Says that one: "I clawed the Swindle Ghost dead — what's it to you?" Says this one: "I bear the Tang king's command — my errand is uncanny things exactly." Says that one: "I wheel open ten fingers, and every gall in the province shakes." Says this one: "I dance one blade, and every heart in the field goes cold." Says that one: "Whichever of us runs is no true fellow." Says this one: "Whichever of us WINS, HE's the general." — As the verse says: both houses spend their thousand strengths — watch now which man stands up the founder of the merit.

The Skinflint, tricking left and feinting right, was little by little pressed past his guard; he dropped the cudgel and shot out the claws. Zhong Kui, knowing their bite, flashed a feint of the sword and drew back to his own line; and the Skinflint went back up in triumph once more. Then Xian Yuan said: "All he leans on is those ten fingers. Why not wear the Brazenface Ghost's old face into battle? — his clawing will find no purchase, and what's hard then in cutting him down?" Zhong Kui said: "The very thing." — clapped the face on in haste and took the field again. This time the Skinflint didn't trouble with the cudgel at all, but came clawing on the strength of his ten fingers alone. Little did he reckon this face's uncommon depth and hardness: not a hair's breadth would it stir; and instead his ten finger-ends clawed themselves to streaming blood, till he could work them no more and could only snatch the hands back. Zhong Kui gave one great shout and brought the sword down full at his head; the Skinflint, past all shifts, fled away up the mountain. His soldier-lads, seeing their Great King run — and a snake with no head goes nowhere, a bird with no wings cannot fly — scattered to the four quarters. The Skinflint reckoned his life not save-able: he barred the stockade gate, put fire to it, and burned himself to death — and so was known at last for a shut-the-door fire-perished one. The Ground-Slink flew with the news to the magistrate, who came out overjoyed at the head of the people to welcome Zhong Kui. He could not well refuse, and came to the yamen; and on the hall-pillars hung a couplet, which read:

A hundred li of clear wind return across the green champaign;
one blind-full of bright moon shines upon the zither-hall.

The banquet stood already laid, cushioned and appointed all in order. The magistrate poured; Zhong Kui was set in the seat of honor, Xian Yuan at the left table, Fu Qu at the right, the magistrate below to keep them company. The players brought up the playbill and begged Zhong Kui choose; he chose The Holy Guan Beheads the Demon, and the players performed it: first young Master Zhou sang a suite, then a Daoist priest was fetched to write talismans and chant spells — and chanted up a demon, which thrashed the priest and drove him off; whereupon Lü Chunyang, happening by and seeing the demon's fierceness, issued a plate-summons and called down Lord Guan himself; Zhou Cang seized the demon and Lord Guan beheaded it. The magistrate, watching to that point, said: "Your worship's ghost-slaying today yields nothing to Lord Guan's." Zhong Kui said: "And your honor, who prayed me here, is that very Lü Chunyang." The magistrate turned to Fu Qu: "And General Fu may pass for Zhou Cang." Fu Qu said: "Not so, not so: he clawed my whole face bloody — I'll pass for the Daoist priest, and no better." The whole table burst out laughing.

The feast done, Zhong Kui would take his leave; the magistrate pressed and pressed him: "Your junior official keeps a small garden — condescend, great one, to linger some days, that this asking-you-here be not all for nothing." Zhong Kui could only consent. The magistrate led him into the garden: white-limed walls on four sides; three open halls in the middle; behind the halls one huge pine, green shade dappling down, airy, clean, and secluded; the hall's furnishings elegance itself. Host and guests sat; and Zhong Kui, spying on the natural-wood table two scrolls of verse, took them up to play through. They proved two scroll-sets of quatrains on the Four Autumn Prospects — autumn wind, autumn moon, autumn hills, autumn waters — same titles, same rhymes. He opened the first scroll from the top. Its autumn wind ran:

The gold wind soughs and teases at the window-gauze;
crows and geese file the sky, their shadows slanting low.
Tonight, with sorrow enough, there should be dreams —
and who can say whose house the dream will blow to?

Its autumn moon ran:

Clear wind, clear night, bathing in clear light,
the heavens' cassia scent shed wide, the shadow long.
I'd borrow Chang'e to melt my loneliness —
come dance beneath my window in your rainbow skirts.

Its autumn waters ran:

Red maples shaken down, the evening mist runs deep;
after the rain, cool wind and finely wrinkled waves.
I love this clear freshness like a handsome moon —
each time I stand by autumn water, I think of some fair girl.

And its autumn hills ran:

White clouds fly off, and fly back home again;
the frost-leaves bloom like flowers that never opened.
Best of all I love Xie An's high style —
and half expect immortal maids, met on Tiantai.

Zhong Kui read them through and said: "Talent and substance good enough — but the corners of the mouth are loose and wanton. This will be some unbridled, self-pleasing fellow." He took up the other scroll. Its autumn wind ran:

On autumn days, when wind comes, save your gauze;
along the street it sways the wine-flags slant.
Sitting after archery, feeling still remains:
band together, then — and chant your way STRAIGHT HOME.

Its autumn moon ran:

The bright moon, meeting autumn, is extra bright;
the heavens' scent — ONE branch takes first and longest.
If Chang'e would but cast her green regard,
I'd shed this orchid gown and don the purple robes.

Its autumn waters ran:

A spring with a SOURCE has always more water;
come autumn, it raises not one wave.
The Young Man washed his cap-strings here by night —
shall it suffer common hands, that mirror Chang'e?

And its autumn hills ran:

The new shoots barely sprout and MAN comes back again —
which is why autumn hills have so few flowers.
These latter years the Kingly Way goes untaught:
how should mere pine and cypress match the Five Terraces?

Zhong Kui read, covered his mouth, and laughed: "What a prime piece of pickled pedantry — enough to sicken a man." The magistrate said: "Your worship's eye errs nothing. These are two licentiate-boys your junior official is bringing on. The looser scroll — his thought and fancy will just pass muster; only the man himself is a drifting rake, forever spilling his feelings among the flowers-and-willows, without one whiff of the compass-and-square about him." Zhong Kui said: "Look at each poem's last two lines, and you have the man entire." The magistrate went on: "And the fusty scroll's author is his exact contrary: opens his mouth and it's Learning-of-the-Way; every motion must be grave and measured; and — best jest of all — at the very passing of a convenience he must first set his cap and gown to rights, and in the pelting rain he'll not disorder his walking-pace. Of the world's ways and human feeling he understands not one hair. So their society-mates have sent the two of them a pair of fine titles: one is the GALLANT GHOST, and one the FUSTY GHOST." Zhong Kui said: "Let it go at that. The Sage said: Failing men of the Middle Path to teach, give me the ardent and the squeamish. The Middle Path was always hard to come by — how many, from of old to now?"

And even as they talked, the drum passed at the gate and a written complaint was carried in. And whose complaint do you think? — When the Fib-Flinger and Swindle Ghost had halved the silver, the Fib-Flinger too set up in trade: bought two serving-lads, one named WIND-CATCHER, one named SHADOW-SNATCHER; and took on besides two assistants — one the ancestor-line of Shi Qian of Liangshan Marsh, born furry-handed and furry-footed, a practiced pilferer, called the CORPSE-FILCHER GHOST; the other posterity of Zhu Tuo of the Warring States, born nimble-toothed and slick-tongued, a welsher of the pure strain, called the PUT-OFF GHOST. These two, once inside the shop, ran up the fair-wind flag: the filcher filching, the putter-off putting off. One day — trouble being due — the Corpse-Filcher was just stuffing an ingot down the seat of his trousers when Wind-Catcher happened to see; not liking to unmask him to his face, he told the master. The Fib-Flinger, half doubting, let some days pass, then came to the shop and checked: goods gone in quantity, sure enough — and a mighty ledger of "advances" besides. He asked the Put-Off Ghost: "The stock's half gone — how come these advances on top?" The Put-Off said: "The advances are what I've drawn. I'll pay you back by and by. And if ever I don't — may a horse in mid-sky trample me dead." — and with that, fanning himself, off he strutted in high dudgeon LIKE THE INJURED PARTY. The Fib-Flinger, at that spectacle, itched to beat him — but feared to eat the Swindle Ghost's kind of loss; the cart ahead had tipped already, and he dared not drive after it. He could only swallow breath and gulp voice — and going home, thought: "Nothing for it but the courts." So he found a scrivener, stood him several pots of good wine and five mace of silver besides, requiring only that it be written FIERCE, to jolt their worships. The scrivener, caring nothing what was true in it and what empty, asked the rough shape and wrote the complaint; and in it went. The magistrate, with Zhong Kui beside him, read it, and it said:

The complainant, Fib-Flinger Ghost, in the matter of ARMED ROBBERY BY OPEN FLAME AND THE MURDER OF PERSONS BEYOND NUMBER: Whereas your complainant, prudent all his life, never once acting wild, did by the accumulation of his TEETH over three months and more get silver five thousand taels, hoping to found an estate to hand down — a plan for sons and grandsons through ten thousand generations; yet, his fate being lame and the hour cross, there suddenly appeared the Corpse-Filcher Ghost and the Put-Off Ghost, who, with hearts of wolf and tiger and arts of whale-gulp, styling themselves assistants but being in substance robbers, did upon such-a-day of such-a-month, WITH OPEN FLAME AND DRAWN BLADE, plunder his very house away. Now your complainant humbly reflects: wealth is the fountain by which life is nourished; they having plundered it away, his body must perish — some DOZENS OF LIVES snuffed out in a single hour. Crimes so flooding to heaven — where then is the King's law? Prostrate he begs the humane and enlightened great one speedily to shear away the arch-fiends' guilt and save the good. Should he be favored with pursuit and recovery granted, he will wear the gratitude bound on his head to the end of his days. Wherefore this wailing plaint is brought up. —

The magistrate said: "There's falsehood in this paper. If they were his assistants, how are they styled robbers? Whoever heard of one's own assistants doing open-flame work? There's a story under this. Sit a moment, great one, while your junior official questions it." Zhong Kui said: "Suppose I listen behind the warm-alcove?" — "Nothing better." So the hall was taken, and the Fib-Flinger called in. "This complaint of yours — is it truth?" The Fib-Flinger said: "Your small one never lies." — "In three months and a bit, how did you 'accumulate with your teeth' five thousand taels of silver?" The Fib-Flinger said: "Thereby hangs a reason. Your small one has no other power — I live by my fibbing mouth alone. There was a Bowl-Player Ghost stood well with me; your small one spent lips and tongue past counting — talked at him three months entire — before I fibbed those five thousand taels into my hand. Is that not accumulated by the teeth?" The magistrate, hearing, was angry already; he asked on: "And how did those two rob you with OPEN FLAME?" The Fib-Flinger said: "When they cast up accounts with your small one, they reckoned till dark and LIT THE LAMPS — is that not open flame? And they filched my silver, the one, and put me off, the other — is that not plundering my goods?" The magistrate said: "You say MURDER OF PERSONS BEYOND NUMBER — where's your proof of that?" The Fib-Flinger said: "They having plundered my silver, your small one must starve to death, item one. Whereas had I kept that silver, I'd have married me several wives and concubines and begotten several sons; my sons would have married wives and begotten sons in turn, generation handing on generation — never mind dozens, say HUNDREDS and you'd still be short. Starving your small one today cuts off the whole seed: to starve me the one man is the same as starving that numberless multitude. Is that not murder of persons beyond number?" — The magistrate, hearing this mouthful upon mouthful of wild stuff, was just reaching to have him beaten when Zhong Kui burst from behind the warm-alcove in wrath — hand up, sword down — and had already dispatched him to the dark offices, to fling his fibs THERE. The magistrate, at a killing before his very face, could not but startle; Zhong Kui said: "Be easy, your honor. Killing that sort is pure refreshment. But the Corpse-Filcher and the Put-Off must still be summoned and tried, to close the case fair."

So the magistrate drew a bamboo warrant-slip and sent two fast-hands, and the Corpse-Filcher and Put-Off ghosts were fetched in no time. Zhong Kui and the magistrate sat the bench together to hear it. The magistrate called up the Corpse-Filcher: "Why did you steal the Fib-Flinger's silver?" The Corpse-Filcher said: "Steal? — your small one never STOLE. I only took some things privily, not caring he should know. It's all his slander on your small one." Up came Wind-Catcher and Shadow-Snatcher: "Your small ones are the complainant's own lads. With our own eyes we saw them filch. And if your worship doubts — the stolen goods are on his body this minute!" The magistrate had him searched; goods came out of him in quantity, sure enough. The magistrate blazed and turned to Zhong Kui: "How shall this one be dealt to?" Zhong Kui said: "Love of filching is the crime of two hands. Off with his pair of hands — he'll filch no more." The magistrate said: "Rightly judged." — and the Corpse-Filcher's two hands were chopped. Then the Put-Off Ghost was called: "How came you to put off and welsh his silver? Confess it true." The Put-Off said: "Hear me, worship: your small one never welshed a man in his life. I drew some advances, yes — and promised with a full mouth: three deadlines, and I'd pay. HE wouldn't have it — and calls it welshing!" The magistrate said: "And what fashion of three deadlines?" The Put-Off said: "The bond stands written here at hand." — and presented it up with both hands. The magistrate read it, and it said: First deadline: when the Queen Mother of the West takes another husband. If she remarry, go to the second deadline: when the stars in the sky can't be seen. If they can't be seen, go to the third deadline: when the river's fish turn into wild geese. And if they've turned — then the whole matter shall never be seen to again. — The magistrate smote the table: "And you say STILL you're no welsher?" Zhong Kui said: "This man's tongue runs back-and-forth-and-never-one: simply cut the tongue out of him and it's settled." So that too was done according to law. Then magistrate and god withdrew from the hall; and the people of the whole county, deep-moved by Zhong Kui's virtue in clearing harms and settling folk, set about raising him a shrine — gathering craftsmen, laying in timber, building it up. Of that no more.

Now as Zhong Kui and the magistrate sat talking at leisure, the Ground-Slink Ghost begged audience again. Zhong Kui had him in: "What errand now?" The Ground-Slink said: "Your small one has scouted out two ghosts westward — pitiable to the last degree. I beg your worship go and SOOTHE them." Zhong Kui rose to take leave of the magistrate at once; the magistrate held him: "No haste, great one — a few days more, and go at ease: what harm?" Zhong Kui said: "For your honor's kindness, thanks past telling; I could wish us head to head for ever, morning and evening at your instruction. But the Son of Heaven commands me to range ALL under heaven cutting down the demon-crew. If I dally on and on, is that not trifling with the sovereign's mandate — an officer idle in his post?" The magistrate said: "But the ghosts just spoken of want only SOOTHING — why must it be the great one in person? Trouble the Marshal with the errand, and sit you here in garrison." Xian Yuan said: "At your honor's word — I'll make the round; my lord sit easy and await me." So he took half the shade-soldiers and went off with the Ground-Slink. And Zhong Kui had barely settled in his seat when the bat went flying eastward. Zhong Kui said: "Strange! Is there ghost-work EAST as well?" The magistrate said: "How does the great one know?" Zhong Kui said: "This bat of mine — wherever ghosts are, he knows it. That's why I can't be parted from him: he's my officer-of-the-vanguard-road. Now he flies east — east there'll be ghosts for certain. I must make that round myself." The magistrate said: "Nor need that be the great one either. Marshal Xian is gone west; trouble General Fu east, and how then?" Zhong Kui said to Fu Qu: "So be it — at his honor's word, go and see." Fu Qu took the command, took up the other half of the shade-soldiers, and led them away. And this much is fated forward:

Five ghosts with cheating hearts, at midnight's third watch, raise a life-or-death riot;
Zhong Kui companionless — short his boots, minus his cap — meets his hour of disarray.

How it truly fell out — see the next chapter tell.

Chapter Seven — Over Fragrant Cups Two Men Admire the Bright Moon; Offering Fine Wine, Five Ghosts Bait Zhong Kui

The poem says:

Mock not the hidebound; lean not on your wit:
both kinds have cost the sages careful shears.
Your fusty pedant may not prop the Teaching of Names;
your talented rake can hatch the egg of ruin.
Lusting by the wall — and no man knows;
tippling in the grove — the ghosts come first.
Only look, sirs, at the old man of Zhongnan:
once on the straying road, all things went wrong.

We set aside Fu Qu marching east and speak singly of the GALLANT GHOST — born quick of nature and airy of person: verses he could chant, rhapsodies he could build; not perhaps a poem-in-seven-paces man, but never once reduced to scratching ear and rubbing cheek; and withal so dashing-free, so careless of small proprieties, that his name ran the four seas. Hence the Slickster Ghost, quitting Shameless Mountain, had come to him; and at first sight it was old friendship, and "brother" the word between them.

One day — it was precisely Mid-Autumn, the eighth month's full — the great Eastern Ocean pushed up one wheel of bright moon, its clear light lovable past telling. The Gallant Ghost said: "With tonight's white moon leaning on us so — why not invite the Fusty Ghost to view it with us?" The Slickster said: "Moon-viewing, by all means — but he's no moon-viewing man: I fear he'll disgrace the clear light." The Gallant said: "Not so. You and I tête-à-tête feels flat and thin. Have him in for a plaything to laugh at — where's the harm?" So a small boy went with the invitation; and after a great while the Fusty Ghost was got there.

The Fusty made his bow and asked: "Your little brother was at his BOOKS, when your grand carriage summoned him. I have attended — what instruction has my elder brother?" The Gallant said: "Seeing the moon so fine, I asked you over to enjoy it together." The Fusty said: "Elder brother errs. The ancients bagged fireflies and read by snow-shine — reading even so; to have such a moon and NOT read: is that not a pity of good hours? And moreover: the moon is the essence of yin. What in it is enjoyable? If the MOON may be enjoyed, then the sun may be enjoyed likewise — why does my elder brother not carry a pot of wine out and enjoy the noonday sun? Mencius says: monthly he filched one fowl. Even the FILCHER, you see, wastes no good daylight — and how much less should we, old licentiates whose name-and-fame is still unmade?" That speech went in at the Gallant Ghost's two ears, and he said: "Brother, a few days out of sight, and the fust on you is past all reason. A man in this world must not let flower-mornings and moon-evenings slip. The ancients walked the night with candles for just this. Has my brother never heard — the Bright Emperor of Tang, on First-Prime night, followed Luo Gongyuan's staff into the MOON-PALACE itself, and saw with his own eyes the immortal maids in white dancing under the cassia — a tale of beauty to this day. We're no Bright Emperors; but shall we fail Chang'e's kind meaning altogether? How cramped you are, my brother!" But the Fusty Ghost only laughed his great ha-ha: "That talk is absurdity's utmost, past any topping-up. The Doctrine of the Mean says: sun, moon, and stars are TIED to it. This moon is exactly a crystal bead tied up in the sky. What Chang'e is there? What immortal maids? Nothing but literary men wagging brushes — rootless talk, all of it. Hence Mencius says: believe every book, and better no book at all." The Gallant said: "By your account then, brother, the moon is TIED in the sky. Pray: with hemp rope, or iron chain? Knotted where? Hauled from where? Favor me with the particulars." The Fusty said: "How impassably dense you are, brother! If heaven had no place to tie a knot, then when Nüwa smelted stone to mend it — what did she mend it FROM? By that you may see: up there, there are certainly people, and certainly things. How should it NOT hold a tying?" The Gallant, hearing his mouth run vinegar-and-must, was for arguing on; but the Slickster gave him a pinch, and he took the meaning and said no more. They let the Fusty Ghost drink some cups of glum wine, and off he went disconsolate. And — mark it — not many days after he reached home, a great boil rose on his crown, streaming pus and blood till it wore a deep pit; a physician was called, who examined and said: "Fusted through to the very top. No use in him." And truly, thereafter, alas and alack, that was his end — but that's later matter, told and set aside.

The Gallant Ghost, having seen the Fusty off, said to the Slickster: "A prime fust-block! — he's snuffed our whole evening's flame." The Slickster said: "I said not to ask him. That sort you shelve on the top shelf — who shares wind-and-moon with THAT?" The Gallant said: "Then let's not waste it — a stroll in this moonlight, what say you?" — "Nothing better." So the two went out hand in hand, sauntered some streets and lanes — and there ran a stretch of white-limed wall, and halfway along it a small gate, half-shut, half-open: a flower-garden, deep and elegant, and dead quiet within. The two, hearts itching, eased in through the gate. Under drooping willows, a curve of clear water; over the water a little bridge; across the bridge — the raspberry trellis, the peony rails, the wood-sweet arbor, the tree-peony terrace. In the deep of the green shade stood a Taihu stone, and the two sat by it in the moonlight watching the flower-sprays play their shadows and the towers trail their shade — and just at the clearest of it: "YA —" went a sound. They looked up. Inside the double wall rose a high tower; a casement swung; and in the opening stood a girl.

As the saying goes: a beauty seen by moonlight is twice bewitching. And this girl had the look of one who would speak and cannot speak, would grieve and does not grieve. The Gallant Ghost, at one sight, was all one piece of moonstruck heart — flown up the tower already. The Slickster said: "By the look and posture of her, that's no strait-laced miss. My brother was ever heaven-talented: why not chant something aloud and stir her?" So the Gallant truly chanted high:

The wind is small, the lattice still, the moon at heaven's height;
from beside the stone I gaze afar, and thought has no end to it.
Chang'e, I think, has pitied her own loneliness —
and stolen out, this idle night, from the Palace of Wide Cold.

The girl, hearing someone chant, bent her head for a look: a person airy and elegant, carriage light and flowing — lovable exceedingly; and the wish of the paired flight was in her breast that instant. Only, hindered by the Slickster's presence, she could not answer his verse; she gave one small laugh, and drew the casement to. The Gallant Ghost's soul flew and his spirit swam; he could have wished for two wings at his sides, to fly to that girl and be one flesh. The Slickster said: "Home with us — if someone comes, it's awkward standing." The Gallant, nothing for it, paced slowly back. That night it was pillow-pounding and bed-thumping, turning over and turning back — what sleep could there be? So he made another poem:

Silent the courtyard shade comes down;
tower and terrace slant across the further court.
Night-cool: the wind breaks up my dream;
clouds still: the moon walks the flowers over.
My soul winds far round Wushan;
feeling runs long as the dripping clock.
And now — unbearable — a lone goose crying,
helpless, clean through the window-gauze.

Next morning he rose with chills and fever-tides: sick of the wood-beside-eye, field-under-heart complaint — LOVESICK. The Slickster said: "How comes my brother so? Caught wind last night, surely — take something, sweat it out." The Gallant sighed: "My sickness no drug reaches. If I'm to mend — nothing will do it but last night's beauty for my physician…" The Slickster laughed: "So my brother's caught the lovesickness in good earnest!" The Gallant said: "Such a beauty — how should a man NOT sicken for her?" The Slickster said: "Only I fear my brother sickens for nothing. You know neither her name nor her ways: love her as you may, how is she ever to KNOW this depth of feeling?" The Gallant said: "I know it's bootless. But this heart clings and clings and will not be pried. If the marriage-bond truly isn't fated — then, elder brother, come look for me in the dried-fish stall." — and with that he was gulping toward tears. The Slickster thought: "If I don't see this through for him and he pines in earnest, I've failed all his love for me." He pondered a while: "Brother — why not write a letter, setting out the whole winding of it, and I'll deliver it to the beauty? May be she'll pity you — may be marry you — who can say?" The Gallant said: "And they call you SLICK! Where's the sense in this rashness? We're neither kin nor friend to them: how is such a letter delivered? Isn't that courting calamity?" The Slickster said: "I have my method — thus and thus. She's not to know our names, and yet plainly it's we who sent it. Once the beauty HAS the letter — heart or no heart, all's clear of itself. Where's the calamity? And besides — by her look last night, there's love for you in her already. This trip means good tidings. You just set your heart at ease and write." The Gallant, overjoyed — "Little brother, you're slick in earnest: the name's no slander!" — took up the brush gladly, spread the flowered note-paper, ground the ink thick, and wrote:

"Last night, pacing the moon in your garden — all for the airing of an unencumbered breast — dared I say that in the Palace of Wide Cold itself I should suddenly behold Chang'e's face? Past all hoping, the beauty pitied me: the green glance let fall, and a smile bestowed after. What virtue is mine, what power, to be loved so far? Heaven's doing? Man's? Or the marriage-thread knotted from of old? Since that favoring look, my wine has shrunk in the cup; my soul melts on my cheeks; regret packs my heart's floor; sorrow bolts my brow's gate. No mind have I for plowing the classics and hoeing the histories; all my purpose is chanting the wind and playing the moon. The heavy heaped clouds — all turned to knots in this breast; the soughing wind — all changed into these long-drawn sighs. Truly, last night's pitier is this day's slayer. Alas! The flowers of Tiantai are fair — and Ruan the wanderer has no scheme that can pluck them; the clouds of the Wu Gorge lie deep — and Song Yu, all feeling, rhapsodizes on the empty air. The spirit so wasted — how shall the wound be told? I prostrate myself and beg you: think kindly on this trifling body; speed the rescue of a thin-fated man. Beneath the West Chamber's moon, spare a little of the wonder that fell to Master Zhang; beside the Silver River's bridge, let these eyes learn the Weaving Girl's face by heart. I watch the road for one word back, to slake a burning thirst. Unelaborated. — The former verse is appended, awaiting your jade tones."

The letter and poem written, he gave them to the Slickster — who bought a stock of kingfisher-flower trinkets, dressed as a goods-peddler, took the old road to the garden gate, and shook his call-the-fair-ones rattle-drum, pacing east to west and west to east, back and forth and back — till he'd paced the beauty up to her tower; and she sent her maid Plum-Scent to call him into the garden to buy kingfisher flowers. The Slickster was joy itself. Plum-Scent said: "Have you fine big kingfisher sprays? Bring a pair — our young mistress buys." — "Have them, have them, have them!" — and he wrapped the letter round a pair of kingfisher sprays and handed them up. Plum-Scent carried them up the tower; the young mistress opened the packet — a sheet of written flower-paper! — looked close: a love-letter entire, with that quatrain behind it; and she knew it for last night's man. The girl had a heart for him from the first; and seeing the letter charged in every character with feeling, every phrase dropping tears — how should she not be moved? She said to Plum-Scent: "I'm suddenly parched — go brew tea." — and with the maid tricked away, and the tower's four treasures of the study all to hand, she snatched a sheet of flowered paper, wrote her answer, and matched his rhyme with a quatrain at the foot.

Barely finished — Plum-Scent back with the tea! The girl whisked the original letter away, wrapped her reply round the kingfisher flowers, and had Plum-Scent return it to the peddler: "The pattern's poor — bring better when you have them." The Slickster took it, felt the swap, knew it for the answer, and glowed: "The pattern IS poor, mistress — when I've better, depend on it, straight to the young lady it comes." — shouldered his flower-box and went home rejoicing; and in at the door he called high: "Congratulations, elder brother!" The Gallant, deep in his glooms, at the two words congratulations grew back half his spirit on the spot: "There's — something in it?" — "There is, there is, there is!" — and laughing, the Slickster drew out the reply: "And what's THIS, if not congratulations?" The two spread it and read:

"Your handmaid keeps her sweet chamber shut: let spring colors come year on year, it is long since these eyes went flower-viewing. I did not dream the Tiantai gate stood unbarred — and my Liu-lang walked straight in. One gaze from the tower-head, and I knew the bond of a former life. Your favoring words received, I know how deep the gentleman's thought of his handmaid runs. The bright moon means to enter at the window — who shall wall it out? The white cloud is mindless when it leaves the peak — it is the wind that draws it. Since you honor me with the love of wedlock, I am willing to fix the vow of hill and sea. My father the master dotes on talent; the young master is skilled at finding his moment. Truly then: let the embroidered door open on the figured door, and your book-tower touch my dressing-tower. And pray, sir, never say 'her house gates are shut fold on fold' — for how else did this spring color find its way in? Respectfully answered. — Appended, a matching of your honored rhyme, begging your correcting axe:

A chamber-heart's warm wishing was empty from the start;
one chance-met garden evening, and scheming's at an end.
I only pray high heaven will take the thin mists in —
then Chang'e comes out at last from the Palace of Wide Cold."

The two read it through: the drift of it all, that if the old master's goodwill were won, the Gallant might lodge in the garden, and meetings then were easy. The Gallant said: "But who knows his surname and name — or how he's to be pleased?" The Slickster said: "What's hard? We never knew whose garden that was — one ask to left or right settles it, and the garden's master is her father past doubt. Her letter says he dotes on talent: no shut-door dead-goods Fusty, then, but your flower-asking, willow-hunting, hill-roaming connoisseur. We find out where he goes for his pleasures, and you go meet him there — with a talent like my brother's, shall we fear he won't love you?" The Gallant said: "All hangs on your managing, little brother — your dull elder won't forget the debt." The Slickster was gone no long while and reported back: "Found! The garden's the country-gentleman YIN JIN's; the beauty is his daughter. When he'll go out, and where — leave me to scout it; word comes to my brother the moment I have it." And as luck would have the thing neat: just one day between, and the Slickster brought word: "Squire Yin goes today to the East Garden outside the walls, to admire the chrysanthemums. It's a lonely out-of-the-way spot — scenery nothing much, but the chrysanthemums blaze. Brother, pack brush, inkstone, and book-box quick; your little brother dresses as your page; we'll be there first, and you'll sit reading — and wait for him."

So the two went ahead to the East Garden; and truly, toward noon, Squire Yin came riding in on a black donkey, a small boy behind him shouldering the food-boxes and carrying a jug of good wine. He saw the Gallant Ghost sitting there with a book in his hand — a person gallant and clean-cut — and liked him already, and raised a hand: "Reading here, sir? Chrysanthemums we have; but the place, truth told, is a poor one." The Gallant said: "It serves to keep the vulgar off — no more." Squire Yin picked himself a clean spot and sat — one pair of eyes all the while on the Gallant Ghost. Then the Slickster produced a fan: "Young master — paint something for your servant?" — "Paint what?" — "Chrysanthemums, since we're here." The Gallant flicked the fan open — a few strokes and it was made — and passed it back. Squire Yin: "Might I see?" The Slickster hurried it over. Yin took it, saw old stems sparse and living — no common artisan's hand — and his heart filled: "Wang Wei couldn't better it!" The Slickster carried it back: "The young master's painted it — now a poem on top, to finish it." The Gallant, riding his talent, unhurried, wrote on the fan's other face; and Squire Yin, watching that brush fly and dance with never a pause for thought, came over and read aloud:

When the crowd of fragrances has fallen, one rare flower burns:
so clean, you'd take it for the hermit-scholar's house.
Self-painted, self-inscribed, and self-admired —
time and again the green glance turns upon the yellow bloom.

Squire Yin praised till his mouth ran dry: "Wang Mojie — poems with paintings in them, paintings with poems: the ages' champion. And here the world has SUCH a man again!" — asked his name, and drew him in to view the chrysanthemums together. Midway in the wine Squire Yin said: "This old man keeps a small garden, airy enough in its way. If you'd not disdain it, sir — move your books there, early or late, and let an old man have your instruction morning and evening." The Gallant bobbed his hasty bow: "Mistakenly loved, honored elder! — only I fear to trouble your house." Yin said: "What talk is that? We're ink-and-brush intimates now — none of your standing-off." So the Gallant made his thanks and sat; and Yin asked him this and that of matters old and new, and hearing him answer like a flowing stream, was glad past holding.

Presently the evening sun lay on the hills, and each went home his way — Squire Yin, with one more charge about the moving-in, riding his donkey off first; then the Gallant and the Slickster went home delighted. Next morning early, boots and cap glossy-fresh, a "junior's" visiting-card written, the Gallant came straight to the garden. Squire Yin received him with great joy, served tea, and settled him in the three-roomed pavilion for a study. And what heart had the Gallant for BOOKS? — day on day he did nothing but pace along the wall, back and forth. One day, come to the Taihu stone, he picked up a sweat-kerchief; shaken open, it bore a quatrain:

Since first the slim waist thinned with longing,
I've watched for the one who'd come to ease this solitude.
Tonight the moon is bright — one meeting's worth the having:
don't let the autumn waters drown the Indigo Bridge!

The Gallant Ghost, as if he'd picked up living treasure, whisked it into his sleeve; and eye-corners straining he watched the Golden Crow drop west and the Jade Hare climb east; and just at the yellow-dusk hour — roosting birds startling up, flower-sprays playing shadow — out of the deep of the willow-shade the girl came drifting, drifting near. The Gallant, spying her far off, could not hold his joy, and was just stepping up to meet her — but good things love a grinding: SUDDENLY a yamen lictor burst into the garden: "Here you are after all, young master! His worship has urgent words — you're begged for on the instant." The girl, at a stranger's coming, slipped in at the corner gate and was gone. The Gallant said to the lictor: "I'm — not quite well. First thing tomorrow, surely." The lictor said: "Can't be done. His worship's own order: the young master must come. I daren't go back empty." So the Gallant, past all help, followed the lictor in to the magistrate: "What instruction, worship, for your licentiate?" The magistrate said: "There is a great personage here — LORD ZHONG — who has seen your verse-scrolls and taken pleasure in them. Today he wishes to meet you. Follow me to the flower-garden."

So the Gallant came to the garden and made his bow to Zhong Kui, and the magistrate seated him at the side. Zhong Kui, seeing his carriage light and flowing, rather liked him — only, that ghost-name of his standing entered in the register, the liking had a flaw in it; still, no thought of beheading him yet. The magistrate rose: "Keep Lord Zhong company, sir; I've one piece of public business to dispatch — done, and I'm back." — and took his leave. Zhong Kui talked poems and letters with him; the Gallant, his heart elsewhere, forced his answers even so. Then Zhong Kui came round to the verse-scrolls: "Your talent and feeling, sir, are good — only tinged a little with the light-and-loose, not yet the poet's honest-thick and peaceable meaning. Now I'd beg a piece to my face — will you grudge your gold and jade?" The Gallant said: "At the great man's command, dare I refuse? — but what shall the theme be?" Zhong Kui thought a moment: "Take, then, this beard of mine for theme." And the Gallant, one bellyful of grudges, seized the chance to vent it, and chanted off a regulated verse on the spot:

My lord, this beard of yours — how comes it quite so rare?
If not a Tartar sheep, then tell me: WHAT?
Rain past, it flings jade dew across your chest;
wind up, it dances flower-sprays round your face.
For rank — it swings authority beside your honored hair;
for thickness — shall it yield one whit to eyebrows?
A fist to the cheek: no fear of it whatever —
it plays at hiding both your flaps of skin.

Zhong Kui heard it and blazed: "Small BEAST — you dare open your mouth and jeer at ME?" — up came the sword to kill him; and the Gallant drifted backward, backward — Zhong Kui hard behind — chased him under the tree-peonies — and suddenly: no one. Zhong Kui hunted left, hunted right, not a trace, and cried astonished: "Has he burrowed into the EARTH? — why then, a true ghost in earnest!" He called for diggers; and truly they dug up a coffin, and on the coffin five characters: THE COFFIN OF WEIYANG SHENG. Zhong Kui said: "No wonder his carriage ran light and wanton — THIS is what he was the change of." Here we leave the sighing; the magistrate too, hearing of it, marveled at the strangeness.

Now tell we of the Slickster, who, hearing the Gallant had died at the county seat, wept one great weeping: "I saw in my day that Goggle-Glare was a no-power and Brazenface a no-count, and so came to HIM, thinking my body well lodged at last. And now Zhong Kui has hounded him to death too. It falls to me to avenge him." So he took up the trade of recruiting heroes; and inside a day or two he had gathered four ghosts: one called the FLIPPANT GHOST — born wanton of carriage and false of word, whose dearest craft was sharping and coquetting; one called the WALL-SCALER GHOST — a prodigy at running walls and mounting roofs, up trees and over hills, the very cut of an ape; one called the GASBAG GHOST; and one called the DRIP GHOST — both likewise of the wasp-teasing, scorpion-kicking, puff-up-and-pinch-flat persuasion. With himself they made five. The Slickster asked the four: "Do you know why the Skinflint and the Fib-Flinger died?" The four said: "Because the one clawed and the other fibbed — so Zhong Kui cut them down." The Slickster shook his head: "Not so, not so. It is because their honored titles carried the one word GHOST. This Zhong Kui hunts and slays by the NAME. We five, by our misfortune, all carry ghost-titles too — are we not every one of us on the felling-list?" The Gasbag cried in alarm: "Then why don't we run for the hills this minute?" The Slickster said: "No. Flee at a rumor, and aren't we the laughing-stock? Now — I have it scouted: his Marshal and his General are both away from his side; the magistrate is off today at Squire Yin's for the condoling, and after the condoling he's for the city gate on some inspection business — second watch at earliest before he's back. Zhong Kui sits alone and glum. We dress as county runners — and go give him a proper ghost-baiting." The Wall-Scaler said: "What mourning is at Squire Yin's, that the magistrate condoles?" The Slickster said: "You don't know? — my poor friend the Gallant had his tryst set with the young mistress; and she, hearing he'd died at the county seat, grieved herself stopped and died too. Hence the condoling." The Gasbag said: "This Zhong Kui — rather than BAIT him, why not kill him outright and end the worry for ever?" The Slickster said: "THAT will never do. Kill him, and when his Marshal and General come back, will they let it lie? No: we ply him drunk with wine — sword-stealers steal the sword, boot-pullers pull the boots — leave him bare-foot past walking and bare-handed past ghost-slaying. Now ISN'T that the wonder?" So they bought one crock of fine wine, dressed all five as yamen runners, and came straight into the garden.

Zhong Kui sat glum beneath the pine. Seeing them enter: "What's your business?" The Slickster said: "Your small ones, seeing their worship sit dull, have drawn a cup of good wine to melt the dullness." Zhong Kui said: "Then I've put you to trouble." So they served the wine in great lotus-leaf cups — and it was sing who could sing, dance who could dance, laugh who could laugh, caper who could caper, till they'd pressed Zhong Kui mellow-blind drunk. The Slickster said: "The wine sits large on your worship — off with the boots and cool the feet awhile?" Zhong Kui stretched out his legs; the Gasbag and the Slickster drew a boot apiece. The Drip Ghost stole the treasure-sword; the Flippant Ghost stole the audience-tablet; the Wall-Scaler went up the tree, hung by a branch with his feet swung down, and hooked the gauze cap clean off his head. And so they worked my lord Zhong over — kerchief off, crown bare, feet naked, breast open, no shape of dignity left at all — WHICH IS WHY, to this very day, the tale of the FIVE GHOSTS BAITING ZHONG KUI is handed down.

The Gasbag and the Slickster, a boot apiece, were just marching out — when here came Fu Qu leading his soldiers home! The Gasbag at the sight was scared till the piss rolled and the water flew, and made to bolt. But the Slickster had wits in him after all: "No flurry, no fluster — follow me." — and he walked TOWARD Fu Qu on purpose. Fu Qu knew the skew-toed black boots for Zhong Kui's and roared: "Those are Lord Zhong's boots — where are you taking them?" The Slickster, unhurried, unflustered: "Since Lord Zhong beheaded the Skinflint Ghost and purged the district's harm, the people can't carry their gratitude: they're raising Lord Zhong a shrine. And fearing his worship may travel any day, they sent your small ones to draw the boots for enshrinement — to keep his loved relics among us." Fu Qu heard it and thought: "The words have their warrant — the business smells." He said: "Don't leave yet, you two. Follow me into the garden, see Lord Zhong first — then go." The Gasbag at those words lost his color; and while the Slickster was still stitching his patter, the Gasbag broke and bolted. Fu Qu blazed, ordered the shade-soldiers to take the lot, and marched them in — and there was the Drip Ghost with the treasure-sword, flourishing it left and right! Fu Qu gave one great shout; the Drip Ghost dropped it and ran; Fu Qu overtook him — one saber, done. The Flippant Ghost held up the audience-tablet and did nothing but knock his head and beg for life; Fu Qu's hand rose, the saber fell — two pieces of him too. And when he came at last before Zhong Kui — there he sat, mellow-blind drunk, bare-foot, hair loose, dead to the world. Fu Qu blazed: chopped the Gasbag into two sections; plucked heart and liver out of the Slickster; and then — first things now — drew the boots back onto Zhong Kui and buckled his belt. Only the soft-winged gauze cap was nowhere. He was searching all quarters when by luck Xian Yuan arrived too, and asked the wherefore; Fu Qu told it point by point — "only the cap's not found." Xian Yuan took one look around: "For the cap — try the pine, most likely, up top." Now the Wall-Scaler was hidden exactly there, in the thick of the needles; at those words he fell a-trembling till the branches rattled and rang. Fu Qu looked up — and there sat the Wall-Scaler Ghost in the tree, WEARING the gauze cap, and shaking. Fu Qu bent his carved bow — one arrow brought him down — took the cap and set it back on Zhong Kui's head; and the Wall-Scaler was dead of the shaft. By then Zhong Kui's wine was ebbing; the two gods told him how things had just stood, and he could not help the red climbing his face. And this is ever the way of it:

In the back flower-garden, five ghosts make sport of a bare-headed fellow;
under the tall pine, two gods put to rights a barefoot man.

How Xian and Fu told over their ghost-slayings east and west — see the next chapter tell.

Chapter Eight — At Wake-to-Emptiness Hermitage He Is Slow to Slay the Black-Eye Ghost; In Flower-Smoke Fort He Shrewdly Invites the White-Browed God

The lyric says:

Much grief, much grievance — and the inch of heart no remedy.
Beg Heaven's help: the water MAY make a channel;
lean on men's lifting: it's hard talk, drinking the sea.
Poor is the house? then bear it; poor is the house? then bear it.
But if you'll wrangle wins and wrestle prides, court ruin and beckon woe —
there's an arrangement waiting at the end:
nothing for it but the crooked-slaying hand set to work once more,
and the ghost-quelling talent given one more airing.

Our story tells that when Xian and Fu had put down the five ghosts and propped Zhong Kui awake, the magistrate too came back to his yamen, asked the whole of it — and asked besides how the two gods' own ghost-errands had gone. Xian Yuan said: "By your honor's commission and my lord's, I went west — and found it was a HEARTSICK GHOST. Passing Great Mount Hua one day, he saw the stacked crags and sheer walls thrust high into the clouds, with the Huayin temples and no few dwellers at the foot; and one speck of over-care stirred in him: suppose the mountain falls and crushes them? — and from then on his brows never opened, day in day out, his face all worry, till the sickness was seeping into his marrow. Your small god used no ginseng, no aconite, no cassia, no galangal: I gave him one dose of HEART-EASING PILLS, and he mended." Zhong Kui said: "Then what kept you so many days?" Xian Yuan said: "I'd cured him and was hurrying back when I met another ghost on the road — pitiable in good earnest. He kept half a bay of thatched hut with not one furnishing inside it; on his head a hat gone to blossom, on his back a robe carved open-work; no overnight rice by the stove, not half a spark in the brazier. And — strangest of all — whatever house he enters, that house goes poor; wherever he walks, that place goes bust. So everyone calls him the BORN-POOR GHOST. His coarse kin and common friends will none of him — pitiable indeed." Zhong Kui said: "A house-wrecker of that kind — he should be killed and done." Xian Yuan said: "Kill him you cannot. Such he is — yet the company he keeps are the loftiest men of all: Boyi and Shuqi, Master Yan, Fan Dan, Min Sun, Yuan An — sworn intimates every one. Only the MONEY GOD is hateful to him, and year in, year out will not show him his face; wherefore he composed a Sacrifice to the Money God. Your small god so loved the writing of it that I copied the draft — here." And he drew it out and handed it to Zhong Kui and the magistrate, and this is what it said:

"Alas, O Money! Do you hold it strange in me, that year round I never see your face? Or do you fear me, that glimpsing me once you are gone that instant? Ah — but I know it now. My endowed nature is calm and plain, my conduct solitary and clean: no wolfsbane in my heart, no scurrying in my feet, no slave-face fawning on the age, no long art of gulling men — thus there is no road by which you might arrive, and the friendship is beneath your stooping. Moreover: your FORM is round, but your nature is very hard; your heart is square-holed, but your partisans are winding. How should you consent — all light-and-lissome, head bowed and heart brought low — to follow ME? Alas, O Money! If you will not come, what's to be done with me? Cold waits on you for clothing; hunger waits on you for food; kith and friend wait on you for commerce; debts wait on you to be made whole. Since you will not stoop to befriend me, how can I but go light-and-lissome, head bowed, heart brought low, and BECKON you? I hear that what you love to drink is white brew, and what you love to eat is hens' eggs. Here then is wine brimming the goblet, and meat upon the stand; and I cut this short text to sacrifice to you: O our Money God — square within, round without; imaged on the form of Heaven-and-Earth, minted with the precious style of thearchs and kings! Save with the rich and noble you will not roost; save with the diligent and thrifty you will not arrive. You admired Emperor Wen's strings rotting on their pegs — treasuring thrift, therefore you came; you sighed at Emperor Wu's empty treasury — feeling squandered, therefore you fled. Loving your numen — spirits and ghosts may be reached by it! Coveting your power — title and salary may be bought with it! Whoso must wriggle and flatter at your elbow — who is that, if not you-know-whom? Whoso lifts a foot and waits at princely gates — was ever I the man? Yet you, sir, are a very gentleman: great is your use. Today my straits are real: I bare my whole heart and plead — let Ruan Ji's white eyes turn green for once upon you; make over Ji Kang's proud bones, that meeting you he not be wroth. Cased in the casket, I would hoard you a thousand years; spent, I look to meet you again another day. I would see you often and often: come then, source on source, unbroken! Regard only this day's diligence; reckon not the old neglect."

The sacrifice barely done, weariness laid me flat; and there appeared a yellow-clad man who bowed to me and said: "If you can truly change your string and shift your track, I will lead my kind and call my friends to you. But sir — your humanity-and-duty still remain; your integrity-and-shame are not yet gone; you lack every art that fetches ME. What's to be done?" — I woke with a start, and understood with a rush. Remembering that humanity and duty are hard to forget, and knowing shame and integrity must keep showing through — I rose and looked at the brew: the brew still brimmed the goblet; looked again at the eggs: the eggs still sat the stand. So I shall eat and drink my fill and delight in Heaven — and you, sir, may murmur your yes-yes and withdraw."

Zhong Kui and the magistrate said: "Finely made in earnest!" Then he asked Xian Yuan: "And how did you treat THAT ghost?" Xian Yuan said: "Your small god thought to call him a physician — but his ailment is the poor-bone syndrome; and nowadays quack doctors are many and bright ones few. So your small god weighed the sickness myself, read its float and sink, and gave him two doses of SILVER-INGOT BROTH — and he mended nicely." Zhong Kui said: "Silver-ingot broth! A wonder-recipe — what common physician could know it?"

Then he asked Fu Qu: "He healed his — how went your slaying?" Fu Qu said: "The ghost your small god slew was another kind entirely from the Marshal's patients. That east-side ghost was named the HURRY-SCURRY GHOST." Zhong Kui said: "A rare style — tell his powers." Fu Qu said: "That day I led the troops out, and before my stockade was even pitched, he came on killing, and there was nothing for it but battle. We fought one whole day, no victor, and each returned to camp. One moment later — no helmet on him, no armor either — he'd lit torches and was back for a NIGHT battle. The two of us were your very Zhang Fei and Ma Chao, killing away half the night. And when he saw he couldn't beat your small god — he grew so frantic he dashed his own head and died." Zhong Kui said: "Impatience to that degree — the Hurry-Scurry Ghost indeed!" Fu Qu said: "And that's not yet the marvel. There was another, strange past speech. Since I began looking at men I've seen my thousands and ten-thousands — never eyes like his. Black-eyed to the full — and trailing two mates besides, one called the BIG GALOOT and one called the UNCHERISHED MAN, both of the same absolute pitch of black." Zhong Kui said: "That will be the BLACK-EYE GHOST of the register. How did you slay him?" Fu Qu said: "Your small god, seeing that uncommon blackness of eye, couldn't even turn my face toward him — how was I to slay him? So I brought the troops home." Zhong Kui changed color: "What talk is this! Of old, Sun Shu'ao met the two-headed snake, and for fear it harm OTHERS he slew and buried it. And this Black-Eye Ghost — who draws every man's black looks and bows every head — you'd pass him lightly by?" — till Fu Qu's whole face went scarlet. Zhong Kui said: "Enough. Tomorrow I slay him myself."

Next morning early he mustered the shade-soldiers and took leave of the magistrate, who with the people escorted him a full ten li before turning back. Eastward in grand array — and far off showed a small hermitage. Zhong Kui asked: "What place is that?" Fu Qu said: "It's called WAKE-TO-EMPTINESS HERMITAGE — your small god lodged there the other day." Xian Yuan said: "'Wake-to-Emptiness' — taken, I suppose, from form is emptiness?" Zhong Kui said: "Just so." They came before it presently; Zhong Kui got down from the White Ze and went in to look. A fine hermitage in truth — there's a poem in proof:

The red dust cannot fly this high;
bell and chime gather round Amitābha.
Ancient cypress leaning with the scarlet crane;
gray pine hung with jade-green vines.
A man comes — the startled dog gives cry;
a guest — and the parrot's sent to greet him.
The winding path leads through to hidden places —
and in the meditation cells, no shortage of ladies.

For the incumbent of this hermitage was none other than the HUNGRY GHOST OF LUST. Speak of his accomplishments: he too could thread a dog-hole and hop a wall-head; could whore the trade's own women and sport with the broken shoes besides — of whom it is truly said: boat and cart arriving together, by water and by drought at once, no sorting front from rear, no asking south from north. Zhong Kui watched his light and wanton carriage and knew him for no proper monk; but his whole heart being set on the Black-Eye Ghost, he had no leisure to sift him, and only lodged the night. Next day he arrayed the shade-soldiers for the killing. And the Black-Eye Ghost arrayed his and came to meet it: on his head a black-lacquer helm, on his body a crow-oil cuirass, in his fists a pair of black-japanned maces, and under him — a TAKE-A-BEATING TIGER for his mount; on his left the Big Galoot, on his right the Uncherished Man. Zhong Kui gave him one look and turned to Fu Qu: "I wronged you. The man's black of eye past all standard — I can't wait to NOT look at him." Fu Qu said: "Let your small god try him a few passes first." — and lifting his saber he charged the line. From the other side the Uncherished Man took horse; the two had not crossed three passes when Fu Qu — who simply could not bear the sight of him — wheeled his horse and came back. The other took it for flight and chased; Fu Qu laid down the saber, drew the carved bow full, turned in the saddle — one arrow square through the throat, and the Uncherished Man lay dead under his horse. At that the Black-Eye Ghost's heart blazed, and he was for riding out himself; but the Big Galoot said: "Master, cool your wrath — watch LITTLE ME go kill him." The Black-Eye Ghost said: "How do YOU come to be calling yourself 'little me'?" The Big Galoot said: "Am I built on the grand scale? Then what am I, if not 'little me'?" — and with that he took up a jujube-wood cudgel and strode out with great steps. Zhong Kui met him with the dancing sword — one pass, one stroke across the middle, and the Big Galoot lay in two lengths. As the verse says:

Eight feet of him stood before the line —
two sections of him measure the dust.

Zhong Kui had slain the Big Galoot and was turning back to his line when a high shout rose behind: the Black-Eye Ghost charging over. Zhong Kui turned for one look — blackness of eye past all standard! And never mind the five features out of true and the four limbs askew: the TEMPER of the man was its own kind apart. Say a thing is good, he'll say it's vile; say it's long, he'll say it's short. Meeting a lettered man, he plays the rough on purpose; meeting a bravo, he minces fine on purpose. No learning — but the mouth must be stuffed with book-satchel phrases; never traded in his life — but he must pose the broker. Of whom it is said: he loathes what good men love and loves what good men loathe; self-approving to the last, no man to walk the Way of Yao and Shun with. Zhong Kui had no wish even to engage him, but forced the meeting — one pass, and Zhong Kui said: "Truth told, I so dislike that black eye of yours I'll fight no more. Take your life and go." But the Black-Eye Ghost, hearing his black eye named, put forth his own spirit-power: he SHRANK HIMSELF SMALL, and aimed himself at Zhong Kui's very eye, and drilled — straight in! — till the pain ran tears down Zhong Kui's whole face. Fu Qu, seeing it, blazed up and would have gouged him out with the sword-point, but Xian Yuan cried: "Not so! The ancients say: to throw at the rat, mind the vase. Gouge, and you'll wound my lord's own eye. There's nothing for it but to ENTREAT him." So they knelt on the ground and prayed him over and over: "Black-Eye Ghost! Black-Eye Ghost! Never again will we wrangle wins with you; never again meet you line against line. Only leave us be, and we'll gladly never mind you more — range and work your will where you please — nay, we'll buy a rooster in thanks besides!" — till the flattery so pleased the Black-Eye Ghost that he somersaulted once and was gone.

Zhong Kui wiped his tears: "Black-eyed to THAT degree — what's to be done with him? I must beg the Marshal for a wonder-plan." Xian Yuan thought a while and said: "War wants heaven's season, earth's advantage, and men's concord. For the present case, earth's advantage and men's concord are no use to us: it must be heaven's season." Zhong Kui said: "How do you read 'heaven's season' here?" Xian Yuan said: "Heaven's season is nothing but the pattern of mutual begetting and mutual conquest. He being called the BLACK-Eye Ghost, we must break black with WHITE, press the eye down with the BROW above it, and subdue a ghost with a GOD: in sum — we need one WHITE-BROWED GOD to quell him. Only: what office does this White-Browed God hold? Where does he dwell?" Zhong Kui said: "'Of the five Constants of the Ma clan, White-Brows was the finest' — would the White-Browed God be Ma Liang?" Xian Yuan said: "Not necessarily either. Let my lord post an order: the shade-soldiers to inquire quietly on all four sides; the trail will show."

So the order went out to the shade-soldiers — of which no more. Now tell we of the Lickspittle Ghost, who ever since Zhong Kui sentenced him to suck the soldiers' boils and lick their hemorrhoids had not dared stir a step from camp. That day one shade-soldier's piles were just flaring, and the Lickspittle was summoned and set to licking — and was licking with true relish when another soldier came in saying: "The master's order: inquire out the dwelling of some WHITE-BROWED GOD. Where are the likes of us to look?" The Lickspittle said: "What's the inquiry FOR?" — "We don't know what it's for either; only it's wanted at speed, and the finder's to be rewarded." — "Is that true talk?" — "There's the standing order — how not true?" The Lickspittle thought: "If I produce this White-Browed God, and there's reward in it — maybe merit cancels crime and they let me go; or maybe, for this one service, I'm even raised a grade — who knows?"

His mind made up, he said to the soldier: "The White-Browed God — I KNOW his dwelling. Take me in to Lord Zhong; I'll lay out the particulars, the better to go find him." The soldier hurried him to the hermitage door and reported in: "The Lickspittle Ghost knows the White-Browed God's whereabouts — I've brought him; he waits outside." Zhong Kui, delighted, called him in: "You truly know the White-Browed God?" — "Your small one knows." — "What's his origin, then?" The Lickspittle said: "His origin your small one never got asking. Only — in the days when I followed the Beggar Ghost whoring at Mother Liu Jin's, I saw the house enshrined a god whose brows were WHITE. I asked what god he was; they said he was their founding patriarch, the White-Browed God. So your small one knows he lodges at Mother Liu Jin's." Zhong Kui said: "That being so, you'll guide the Marshal there to invite him. But he's an enshrined IMAGE and no more — how is he to be invited? how put to use?" Xian Yuan said: "Where there's an enshrined image there's numinous breath; where there's numinous breath, it can move. Let your small god go, ask out his history plain, and compose a sacrificial address: invoke the numen properly, and it will serve." So he took a dozen shade-soldiers, the Lickspittle guiding, and made straight for Flower-Smoke Fort.

It was then first winter: the yellow chrysanthemums in tatters, the white plum loosening its buds; solemn lone pines holding the road, lean green bamboo greeting travelers; the plank-bridge stream gone to ice, and the hilltop trees stripped of every leaf. And as they went, there came flying, floating, drifting down one whole heaven of great snow. Behold: first like willow-floss, then like goose-feathers; battering the face till the eyes swim; heaping the roads; slicking the hoof. Towers and halls, in one breath, dressed all in silver; grass, tree, hill, and stream, all laid over with jade dust. In rich men's houses — red stoves and warm chambers, fine wine poured round and round against the chill; for the poor fellow — short of rice, out of firewood, cursing the cold majesty of the gray sky. The frozen scholar reads his Unicorn Classic by snow-shine, no lamp required; the elegant idler boils his sparrow-tongue tea — who needs sweet well-water? As the verse says: scale and shell of the unicorn hosts, filling the sky — surely the jade dragons are at war along the sky-rim.

Xian Yuan said: "In such snow, let's beg a cup of tea at some cloister and stand out of the cold." The Lickspittle peered all four ways, eyes baffled with whiteness, and could make out never a cloister; so they pushed on another half-li, and there stood a small, small temple. A shade-soldier knocked; a votary came out; the soldier said: "Master, we're passers on the road; the weather being bitter, our master begs the loan of a cup of tea." That votary rounded his weird eyes and burst out cursing: "WALK with your EYES, why don't you! Is this a tea-house? a wine-shop? Am I your slave, your farm-boy, that you come dunning ME for tea? Is 'his lordship' the appointed servant of the LIKES of you?" Now Xian Yuan was a lettered man to the end of him: cursed at, he only fell a little flat, and smiled: "No tea, then — no matter. Why the fury?" But the softer the man showed, the harder the votary got, cursing in leaps a fathom high — till the idlers sitting round the temple grew disgusted for him and said to Xian Yuan: "You don't know the fellow's stomach. He's called the BEG-FOR-IT GHOST: kindness he cannot feel and weight he will not gauge. Only set about BEATING him — he softens directly." Xian Yuan by then could hold his own wrath no more: he had the soldiers rope him to a pillar, and foot and fist went in. And soften he did, on the instant, wailing: "Spare me, worships! Never mind tea — there's RICE for the asking! Only let your small one wait on you — and if the service wants polish, why then, beat me again — there's no hurry at all!" Xian Yuan laughed: "The Beg-for-It Ghost to the letter." — and bade them loose him. The Beg-for-It bowed and knocked his head, ushered them to the chamber; first came fine Songluo tea, then sesame-oil gruel-tea, thin cakes of fine flour — the whole catalogue of attentiveness performed to the end. Xian Yuan could only let himself be feasted; and the fellow saw them off a full ten li before turning home — and thereafter knew, a little, kindness from weight, and begged for it rather less. Which mending, too, was the merit of Xian Yuan's schooling. Enough of that.

Now tell we of Mother Liu Jin's house. Since taking in Prefect Jia's son — supposedly the dolt-heir, the free spender — they'd found him stingy past all telling: half a month and more in the house, and his largesse two bolts of small silk and three taels. Mother Liu had even caught herself missing the Beggar and the Bowl-Player — till she heard they'd gone poor, and stopped. That day she sat idle at her gate as the Lickspittle came up. "And where have YOU been living? — not so much as a face shown." The Lickspittle said: "There's a LORD ZHONG — I've been with him all this while. He sends me guiding a MARSHAL here, to invite your house's White-Browed God. I've run ahead with the word: the Marshal arrives this instant. Wait on him small and careful — no slighting!" The words weren't done when Xian Yuan reached the gate; he dismounted, entered, sat in the hall; Mother Liu came and knocked her head. Xian Yuan asked: "Your house keeps a White-Browed God?" — "Enshrined above is that very god." Xian Yuan lifted the curtain for one look: an image indeed, with two white brows. He asked again: "This god — what's his origin? His surname and name?" Mother Liu said: "The little woman never knew the fine of it; only I heard the OLD turtle — rest him — say he was some ROBBER ZHI or other." Xian Yuan nodded, sent Mother Liu off, set the soldiers laying out the offering-things, and drafted the sacrificial address himself. Next morning at clear dawn the offerings were ranged and he read the address aloud:

"O God: hero-blood of the Springs-and-Autumns, bravo of the末 of Zhou; no king and no thearch, no hegemon and no duke — yet with the Sage of Concord for your younger brother, and pressing a Great Worthy to play elder to you. Trained to the arts of war, with no taste for the lettered life. In your day, from that little chamber at Lintong, you dared out to rob the roads and work your violence: the feudal lords heard you and their galls dropped; the massed captains saw you and their hearts shook. Confucius himself could not teach you round; Duke Mu of Qin let your steeps and crags alone. Zixu's steel whip rather feared you; Qiu Hu's clever tongue stretched out to you in vain. A tyrant-blaze across one lifetime — and a GOD for a thousand years! In life you'd no stomach for plain fare; in death your enjoyments know no end: gazing your fill on oiled heads and powdered faces, keeping daily company with green jackets and red skirts; the old turtles' vaudeville propped under your eye, the little misses' processions drilling at your heart; eating your wide way through vermicelli soup and griddle-cakes; long practiced in the slap-and-strum of fiddle and zheng. NOW: having business, we make bold to intrude on you — our hope, that you hear us and show your numen. Be you the Feng Fu of former days; we'll play Chen Zhen who begged him forth. The Black-Eye Ghost runs mad past mastering; the White-Browed God's prowess was ever proverbial. Prostrate we pray: put forth speedily the hero's breath; leave for one while the flowers-and-willows thicket. Answer as the echo answers; come, approach, accept, enjoy!"

The prayer was scarcely ended when the White-Browed God LEAPT down to the floor: "The Marshal asked for me — on what business?" Xian Yuan said: "The very Black-Eye Ghost of the address just read — dare I trouble your worship to slay him?" The White-Browed God said: "I sit here in the land of my enjoyments — is it not airy enough? — and I'm to go play your Feng Fu in earnest, back down off the cart at the tiger? No going. NO going." Xian Yuan looked at the sky and laughed one great laugh, and made for the door. The White-Browed God caught at him: "Marshal — hearing WHAT did you come? and seeing WHAT do you leave?" Xian Yuan said: "I came hearing what I'd heard; I leave seeing what I've seen." The White-Browed God said: "Pray, Marshal — instruct me plainly before you go." Xian Yuan said: "Long had I heard the General's name — thunder to the ear. Today I SEE the General: a flowers-and-willows man, no more; a feed-and-swill man, no more. Nothing to be done with. Hence I leave." Now the White-Browed God could not bear a goading: up he bounced, roaring: "You reckon I CAN'T slay that Black-Eye Ghost?" Xian Yuan said: "Only that you won't. Never that you can't." And at that the White-Browed God set his helm and harness in order, took up his precious saber, and rode out stirrup to stirrup with Xian Yuan.

At Wake-to-Emptiness Hermitage Zhong Kui came down the steps to meet him: "For this petty ugliness, to have troubled your great chariot!" They deferred and yielded and were seated; the White-Browed God asked: "This Black-Eye Ghost — what's his fashion?" Zhong Kui said: "Past describing. At the front of the line the General will see." So the White-Browed God mounted; Zhong Kui bestrode the White Ze; they stood side by side before the line and set the soldiers railing for battle. Out came the Black-Eye Ghost riding his Take-a-Beating Tiger, mighty pleased with himself. The White-Browed God looked him over: "Is that ALL? What's the wonder here?" Zhong Kui said: "Black eyes like those — and the General counts them ordinary?" The White-Browed God said: "In the courtesans' gates I've watched the TURTLES at their pleasures — grass-whip in the fist, whiskers a-blow, blazing red and blazing black. The trim girls, well and good — but the ugly ones! pouting mouths daubed with rouge, pocked cheeks caked with grease-powder, thick feet crammed into flowered shoes, twisting the waist and wrenching the hip, ugliness at its uttermost stretch — and just THOSE the young gentlemen must dote on: beating as endearment, cursing as love, and at parting, if you please, three runnels of snot to two of tears; plow-hand, harrow-grip bodies got up as talents and beauties. THAT black of eye I've stared stale. And I should mind this one pip of a ghost?" Zhong Kui said: "If the General doesn't mind his black eye — then he's easily slain."

The White-Browed God lifted saber and took the field; the Black-Eye Ghost whirled his maces to meet him; some passes, and the Black-Eye Ghost, no match, dropped the maces, leapt off the Take-a-Beating Tiger, shrank himself with one squeeze — and DRILLED for the White-Browed God's eyes. But the White-Browed God's eyes were two glaze-white PORCELAIN eyes: no drilling in! Down he dropped to the ground to take his beating — the tiger already battered dead by Fu Qu — and there was nothing for him but to flee back into his cave, his ghost-lictors scattering every man his way. The White-Browed God called sharp for the soldiers to fetch wood and set the cave-mouth burning; the smoke rolled all in upon him; the Black-Eye Ghost, past staying, leapt out; the White-Browed God stepped up and TOOK him. And by then, look — the Black-Eye Ghost had turned RED-EYE Ghost. The White-Browed God noosed his neck with hempen cord, gave him over to the soldiers' keeping, and came back with Zhong Kui to the hermitage, where the victory-feast was spread.

Zhong Kui asked: "The General does not KILL the Black-Eye Ghost — kept for what use?" The White-Browed God said: "From the Springs-and-Autumns down to this very day, the courtesan houses, family upon family, have carried me at the crown and enshrined me every one — their very ancestor. I've had no way to repay it. Now I'll lead this Black-Eye Ghost over and give him to the trade for an under-servant: call it my one gift of human feeling." Zhong Kui said: "The General was such a hero in the Springs-and-Autumns — why not have founded name and merit then, and handed down a house — rather than feed on courtesans' incense? Does it not spot the General?" The White-Browed God said: "Do you know the saying — the monk childless has filial sons in plenty? I stand founding-father today to the deceased profession: the turtle-boys are exactly my sons, the powder-heads exactly my daughters; I eat their offerings daily, and the enjoyment has no ceiling. Why should a man scrape and strain, ox-and-horse for sons and grandsons of his own?" Zhong Kui said: "By that account, the General is your true thief-for-the-men, whore-for-the-women." The White-Browed God changed color: "WHAT kind of talk—!" — and rose on the word, led off his Black-Eye Ghost, and went to the turtle-houses to skim his hairs. And this is ever the way:

The Black-Eye Ghost, thenceforth, was settled where he belonged;
the White-Browed God, at bottom, was well content with it.

What ghosts came after — hear the next chapter tell.

Chapter Nine — Loving Lust, He Shifts Three Lodgings by Stealth; Craving the Cup, He Wrongly Fetches the Immortals

The lyric says:

I urge you: covet not the flower — the flower-greed melts the marrow.
I urge you: dote not on the wine — the wine-doting splits the guts.
Guts dried, marrow drained: what then?
Alas — no scheme can dodge King Yama.
But I have wakened to the long-life formula:
I've asked Zhong Kui, express, to slay the pair of demons.

Our story tells that the White-Browed God led his Black-Eye Ghost away; and Zhong Kui, the bat not stirring, stayed on at the hermitage. Xian Yuan read a little in the Six Tomes and Three Stratagems; Fu Qu drilled a little bow-and-horse, spear-and-saber; Zhong Kui, at leisure, strolled the hermitage sight by sight — the White-Robed Mahāsattva, Immortal Zhang the son-sender — till, wandering to the rear hall, he found a small door under lock. Zhong Kui said: "HERE'S a sight not yet strolled." He wrenched the lock off, pushed in, and went winding and turning a good half-li before it opened on a little court: three meditation rooms, elegance itself. He lifted the blind: facing him, a gold-lacquered trestle-table; sinking-incense fuming in a bronze burner; in the vase, a spare few sprays of plum, their clear scent striking the nose. On a rack to the east hung a kasaya; on a rattan couch to the west hung gauze curtains; on the wall, one snow-landscape scroll. And as Zhong Kui stood enjoying it — that snow-scroll suddenly BULGED, and out from behind it stretched a woman's head; saw Zhong Kui; drew back in. Zhong Kui, with one look, understood the whole of it. He lifted the scroll aside: a little cave-door; and looking through — another whole house within, and gathered in it some DOZENS of women. Zhong Kui thundered: "I've seen through it — out with you!" The women, one sight of that towering terror, lost their galls first and dared hide nowhere: all came out and knelt. Zhong Kui said: "What are you AT here? The truth, now." The women trembled and shook and none dared sound. One bolder knelt forward: "We little women were all gathered in by the monk of this hermitage. Some came as tenant-wives — tenants in name, monk's-brides in fact. Some came burning incense and giving alms — good works in name, pleasure in fact. Some were driven by hunger and cold — relief in name, debts paid in flesh in fact. Some fled the famine years — refuge, that was; and some just muddied the water. Day heaped month, and here's the count of us. That's the truth entire — mercy, your worship!" Zhong Kui said: "And where's the scald-headed thief NOW?" The women said: "He stowed us here and took his pleasures by wheel and turn, day or night — and even so it wouldn't fill him: outside he's hooked up besides with who knows how many private-den women and pretty young sirs. He's been gone this long while, leaving us little women pitched seven-ways-and-eight — keeping his widow-watch for him! If your worship sees him — urge him, do: rain and dew should fall EVENLY; don't warm the south branch and freeze the north!" Zhong Kui heard it and blazed: "This pack of wantons — what are YOU good for?" — one sword-stroke each, and he killed them all. As the verse says:

Wake to Emptiness — and emptiness was carnal all along;
who knew the carnal, at the end, comes back to emptiness?

Zhong Kui, the women slain, sat on the couch and swore: "This vile thing I MUST root out." And in the thick of his anger — the Ground-Slink Ghost! — who, seeing the many women slain and knowing them for the monk's own household, said to Zhong Kui: "They SAY every monk's a hungry ghost in lust — this monk is the Hungry Ghost of Lust past disputing. Your small one comes on purpose to scout that ghost's roosting-place: scouted solid, your worship goes and slays him." — and off he went. Zhong Kui sat on into the dead of night, waiting his return to do the killing. The Ground-Slink meanwhile threaded some streets and lanes, and saw a little novice-monk sitting at a house-gate, tapping his wooden fish — and the chants he was chanting were all "Darling Sweet-Foe" and "Goodwife Wang" and that persuasion. He stepped up: "Begging your supper here?" The little monk made no answer. The Ground-Slink thought: "The Hungry Ghost's in THIS house for certain, and this little monk's his weather-watch." And just then the little monk rose to ease himself — and the Ground-Slink slipped in on the empty moment, heard laughing talk in the chamber, and pressed under the window to listen. And what do you think he heard?

No mountain-oaths sworn; no sea-vows either. This one, quick-knocking the wooden fish, calls high on the Save-Me Bodhisattva; that one, double-clapping the cymbal-boards, calls low on the Flesh-Body Arhat. That one lifts high the golden lotuses — for all the world the tumbling of heaven's flowers; this one plies the silver spear stroke on stroke — the very image of the nodding stone. In a wink the soul enters the Western Quarter; next breath, a tour of Utmost Joy. That one plays the old clam clamped on the snipe; this one becomes the cave-entering eminence. Say no more of Weiyang Sheng sitting through the Carnal Prayer Mat — here's Master Ocean-Pavilion night-lodged in the gold-sprinkled bed-tent.

The Hungry Ghost of Lust and that private-den woman sported a full hour before cloud furled and rain scattered. The woman asked: "Back to the hermitage tonight?" The monk said: "Zhong Kui's lodging in the hermitage — mighty inconvenient. I'll sleep here and done." So they drank some cups more and slept twined breast to thigh. The Ground-Slink, having listened himself clear, slipped out — third watch by then, and the little monk drowsing on his stool saw nothing — and back he ran to report. Zhong Kui took no troops, took no captains, didn't mount the White Ze: sword in fist, he followed the Ground-Slink straight for the den. The little monk wouldn't let them by — Zhong Kui had the Ground-Slink lock HIM back to the hermitage. Then he tried the gate: on the latch only; pushed through, straight in, and roared: "WHERE'S the scald-pate thief?" — startling the woman stark-bare out of bed to the floor, not daring a sound. Zhong Kui burst into the chamber: no monk. "Where's the scald-thief hid?" The woman knelt: "He was sleeping with your little woman this minute — then his mind went to his pretty boy: said he'd go sport a while and come back." Zhong Kui gave one great shout and cut the woman down — thinking, "He means to come back: I'll sit for him here." He had barely settled when — the monk in earnest! — walking in, calling as he came: "Sweetheart, you're asleep? — I've spirit in me yet: one more turn, you and I—" Zhong Kui made no sound, let him come, and hacked. The Hungry Ghost, soul-scared, spun and ran; Zhong Kui, dreading his escape, hard behind — and mid-chase: PU-DONG! — flat on the ground.

A skyful of wrath ten thousand feet high —
one earthbound sprawl of a heavy fine body.

For a DEAD-DRUNK GHOST, dead drunk, lay asleep across the street, and in the blind dark had tripped Zhong Kui his length. The Hungry Ghost of Lust caught the gap and slipped clean away. Zhong Kui picked himself up and looked: a drunkard, sleeping himself a crater there. There's even a tune — "Clouds Halted in Flight" — that pictures this drunkard:

Eyes shut, head wagging; one rope of stubborn phlegm swinging out.
WAH — up it comes, a mouthful: steamed bun, meat, and greens entire —
a dog's stomach stuffed with butterfat.
Hard down, hard up. Guts turning over and over —
and no fear of dust nor filth.
Small your measure is — why grapple the great flagon?

Now the Dead-Drunk Ghost, having tripped Zhong Kui, and Zhong Kui scrambling up to chase the monk — the drunkard grabbed and held him fast, cursing muddle-mouthed: "What sort of thing are YOU — daring to kick his lordship a foot?" Zhong Kui would have killed him — but a drunk man, after all — and only said: "My surname's Zhong, my name Kui. What of it?" The Dead-Drunk said: "Big bell or little bell — I tell you straight: big bells don't scare me, and little bells don't scare me." Zhong Kui said: "Loose your hand quick — I've a man to kill." The Dead-Drunk said: "Wanna throw dice? One pip, one cup, I'll stake you — chase-the-old-ewe, grab-off, squeeze-the-eggs, beat-the-luoluo, flip-the-ace, straight-quick, toss-dogshead, slap-gold — any game you like, I'm not shy of you." Zhong Kui hopped with fury; the man WOULD not loose. Zhong Kui doubled his fist to hit him — the Dead-Drunk said: "No dice? Guess-fists then!" — and fell to bawling threes and fives, heaven-and-earth-shouting without end. Zhong Kui, between rage and laughter, tore loose with all his strength and went back to the hermitage; had the little monk brought, and questioned him for the big monk's bolt-holes. The little monk said: "Little-monk truly doesn't know. Little-monk was of Ash-Gourd Mountain, Straw-Bag Camp, under the Great King Goggle-Glare — who heard my every word and followed my every plan; we suited well. Then came a certain SIDE-EYE GHOST, spirit-matched and temper-glued to him, till he began to find yours-truly, 'the Treacher Ghost,' not to his taste — and my heart couldn't stomach it. Hearing your worship was come, I meant to throw in with you and borrow troops to wipe him out. But when the mountain King came down, your worship was in the thick of it with the Black-Eye Ghost — drilled into your very eye, and your worship helpless — so your small monk formed another scheme. Then the Hungry Ghost of Lust crossed me, willing to keep me; and I thought, one, to enjoy his estate, and two, to scheme his women off him; so I turned his disciple. Today he went carousing and I stood weather-watch. As for his bolt-holes — truly I know none." Zhong Kui said: "Having once lodged your body with a man, you owed him one heart to the end — instead you turn your face and serve his enemy: crime the first. Coming to ME, you yet hung back double-hearted: crime the second. And when the scald-thief sheltered you, you plotted his estate and schemed his women: crime the third. If YOU'RE not the Treacher Ghost, who is?" — and one stroke cut him down.

Then suddenly beyond the hermitage: war-cries and shaken banners, the shape of a thousand ranks and ten thousand horse. The soldiers reported: "A mob of drunkards past all counting has ringed the hermitage gate! The head of them styles himself the Dead-Drunk Ghost, and demands your worship give him battle." Xian Yuan said: "That crew's crimes are no great matter — start killing and there'll be no end of killing. Let your small god go forward first and urge them back; then we'll decide." So he walked out and called the Dead-Drunk Ghost to a parley. Out the drunkard came, toppling east and heeling west: "What does your worship WANT?" Xian Yuan said: "Robes and cap in ruin, shame and scruple flung away — sunk in the mash-vat, sodden in the reek! There are joys enough inside the Teaching of Names — why trample your own dignity so? Of old the tribes-beyond made wine; Yu the Great drank it, found it sweet — and said: later ages will surely lose kingdoms by this. A KINGDOM lost by it — how much more your one body? You're the quick axe on the withered bough — I never yet saw THAT fail to topple." The Dead-Drunk laughed one great ha-ha: "You say my drinking's wrong, do you? I've heard: heaven keeps a Wine Star, earth keeps a Wine Spring, man keeps his wine-affinity. Yao the Thearch drank his thousand goblets in a day; Confucius his hundred gourds — did the SAGES not drink? And the Seven Sages of the Bamboo Grove: was it not exactly wine that made them lofty? Our own dynasty's Li Taibai, He Zhizhang and the rest are styled the EIGHT IMMORTALS OF THE CUP. If wine were truly vile, mankind should spit on it and curse it, every man — how comes it all men praise it and sing it? I'll not reach to call myself a wine-IMMORTAL — but a wine-GHOST I'm right content to be. As they say: I only know the flavor inside the drunkenness — I don't report it to the sober. Outside-the-gate man! save your breath." And down he flopped where he stood, now roaring song, now cursing, riot without end. Xian Yuan, with no hold on him anywhere, went back in: "One course only, my lord: speak to the Prefect here — have him post a PROHIBITION ON THE BUTCHERS AND THE WINE-SHOPS. Call it three days without rations and the host disbands. No wine to be had — that mob melts of itself." Zhong Kui said: "Well argued." So he set his cap and belt, rode the White Ze to the prefecture, and was received in the hall: "What instruction brings the great one?" Zhong Kui said: "Your honored prefecture is thick with drunkard-ghosts. Slay them I would not — my heart can't carry it. I beg your honor post a notice: butchering and wine-selling suspended. That crew will scatter of themselves, no killing needed." The Prefect said: "The great one commands — dare I refuse? Only — we sit at the bottom of the twelfth month: this is no season of praying for RAIN, and the prohibition wants a pretext. How?" Zhong Kui said: "Three whitenesses of twelfth-month snow foretell the harvest — what hinders your honor from praying for SNOW?" The Prefect said: "Well found! Return, great one — the notice hangs today." And hang it did; and within two-three days, wineless every one, the drunkards sobered and scattered to their homes — all but the Dead-Drunk Ghost himself, drunk on. And why? His stomach was BREWED to it long since: three parts drunk on no wine at all. Seeing the rest sober off, he got up too — one step, one stumble — and walked deep, deep into the LAND OF DRUNK. And what is the deep of Drunkland like?

No high there, no low; no honored, no mean. Business big as heaven? — dissolved entire. Grief deep as the sea? — thawed at a breath. No war-flag stirs there, only the wine-flag swinging: what wars? The wine-horse guessed at, the war-horse resting: who crosses spears? The Pingyuan Post-Inspector (that's your sour bottle) stands cellar-front Clerk of Officials; the Qingzhou Retainer (that's your good vintage) is Vice-Prefect of Down-the-Well Zhizhang. The Prince of Zhongshan must, will-he nill-he, honor Li Bai alone; Wine-Spring Commandery has no shift but to yield to Liu Ling. Unknowing, unminding — you'd say the world of Yao and Yu; dazed as dream — Chaos-and-Undivided in person. The road is long? — they come and come. Three cups to the belly is all the toll; the wall-gate unbarred, you enter of yourself — two goblets through the guts is all the pass.

The Dead-Drunk Ghost reached the deep of Drunkland — and there: Li Qinglian, Cui Zongzhi, Bi of the Board of Personnel, He Zhizhang; and Shan Tao, Xiang Xiu, Ruan Ji, Ruan Xian, Liu Ling, Ji Kang, Wang Rong — some fingering the zither under pine-shade, some knocking chess in the bamboo grove, some hugging their knees at the long chant, some contemplating the universe, some at the water's edge envying the fish, some looking up the hill to watch the cranes. Seeing the Dead-Drunk stagger in, the immortals asked: "Who are you? What errand here?" The Dead-Drunk said: "Your small one can drink with the best — but I drank drunk, crossed one ZHONG KUI, and fled him here." The immortals said: "If you can drink, you're no vulgarian. Why not go put the LOFT of wine to him? — he'll look at you with other eyes." The Dead-Drunk said: "Better not spoken! I DID put it to him, one whole argument — and for answer he shut the butchers and the taps: cut my grain-and-fodder clean off and scattered my whole fellowship. And he's still there with black word and ugly, a treasure-sword in his fist, hot for killing me. How am I to stand him?" The wine-immortals blazed up: "Insufferable! WE'LL go dispute him — he'll learn what manner of thing our drinking is, that has no common measure." So all together they left the deep of Drunkland and came to Wake-to-Emptiness Hermitage. Zhong Kui asked: "Gentlemen — by what wind?" Li Qinglian said: "We hear your worship holds our kind cheap. We come expressly to argue it." Zhong Kui said: "I'm all instruction." Li Qinglian said: "Heaven-and-earth: an inn for the ten thousand things. Light-and-dark: a passing guest of a hundred ages. And floating life is a dream: how much is there of joy? Therefore: while life has wine, be drunk — did one drop ever reach the Nine Springs? We take flower-morning and moon-evening and make DRINKING our whole business — buying the mirth before our eyes, washing down the lump in the breast. Your worship is a vulgar object: what should you know of the flavor inside the wine?" Zhong Kui said: "The master loves his cup — lofty, oh granted, and large-aired. But pray: in the An Lushan ruin, why did the master not repel the rebels WITH wine? — instead you got yourself roped up in the Prince of Yong's business; and had there been no Guo Ziyi, no Li Guangbi, the master had died a prisoner of Chu. Above, no grain's weight of help to the state; below, none to your own hearth. WHERE exactly is the loft and largeness?" — and Li Qinglian withdrew in shame. Bi of the Board said: "You call Qinglian's drinking profitless? The three Qingping Airs — did THEY not come out of the cup, every line? YOU don't drink: will your collected poems stand by Qinglian's?" Zhong Kui said: "And you'll be the trough-side WINE-THIEF boy! An appointed officer of the court, sodden derelict, running dog-thief errands for the sake of his gullet — and you dare arch the brow and puff the breath and argue at people?" — Bi of the Board went scarlet to the ears and said no more. Cui Zongzhi and He Zhizhang together flared: "Lord Bi's wine-thieving is exactly a lettered man's charming anecdote — and you make it dog-theft! Explain yourself!" Zhong Kui laughed loud: "The Sage said: he who is careless in small conduct will stain the great virtue in the end. If wine-theft is your 'charming anecdote' — what, pray, would NOT be?" — and Cui and He had no answer to give. Then Shan Tao and the rest cried with one voice: "You say drink wrecks virtue. Then the kings and thearchs of every age should have BANNED it. Why is it never absent — capping, wedding, mourning, sacrifice?" Zhong Kui said: "Capping, wedding, mourning, sacrifice — that is RITUAL drinking: three cups and it rests. Is that your day-long sodden dark, your wrecked decorum? Lord Shan's great integrity stands unbroken — him I could pardon. But the rest of you gentlemen! — drinking through your mourning; drinking at your marriages; drinking your very bodies into the grave; drilling the plum-pit for the last drop, hoarding your half-ounce to yourselves — and still you drape yourselves in LOFT-AND-LARGENESS and fuddle the ears of the world. Had there been no Zu Shiya, no Tao Shixing, who was to save the ruin of Jin? Name-teaching's CONVICTS — that is the sum of you." — And immortal by immortal the shame-color rose, man by man the red; and all together they went home.

And the Dead-Drunk Ghost — what dared HE prop up now? He tailed home after them; and the immortals turned on him grumbling: "WE are wine-IMMORTALS, and you all but dragged us down to wine-GHOSTS. Get you far off — no more tangling." Alas the Dead-Drunk: no road up to heaven, no door into earth; he could only lurch fore-and-aft away, alone, stitching and staggering. A long while walking brought him precisely to Straw-Bag Camp — beyond the Prefect's writ, where wine-shops still sold. Days dry, and in his extremity — one whiff of wine-scent, and the stubborn spittle ran two streams from his mouth. In he hurried, picked a seat; the pot-boy brought the wine; and he drank browless and eyeless, seeing nothing of who else sat there. Three cups down to settle the five viscera, then one roll of the eye — and across the room sat a GALLANT-LOOKING MONK, who kept looking at him. The Dead-Drunk mused: "Staring at ME? Let him. Drink." His stomach being what habit had made it, one pot in he was clawing the lees, and cursing: "Fine work, Zhong Kui — Heaven's-own-killed! — to famish me these several days. Wine in me now, I'll go have one more grand riot with you. Vajra-guard though you be, I'll peel a strip of your clay skin!" — then the laugh took him: "No, no — don't blame HIM. If he hadn't shut the taps, would I be HERE today drinking this fine mash?" — then the hate again: "Wine this good — and that MARSHAL of his forbade me the cup! Did I ever drink YOURS? Vile, vile. If you but knew this flavor — the wanting of it would snap your very guts." High sentence, low sentence, a spell of talk, then humming and creaking he SANG. And what did he sing?

"Wine, o wine — I love you: into the poet's bowels you feed brocade;
I love you: you brave the hero's heart till it rams the Dipper's ox-stars;
I love you: griefs unravel, cloud and fog swept clean;
one head-shake makes light of wealth and rank; one cold eye laughs at lords.
Fragrance clean as this — and Zhong Kui, WHY do you cheapen wine?"

The monk, hearing Zhong Kui long and Zhong Kui short, couldn't keep from crossing over: "Old almsgiver — what's your quarrel with grudging Zhong Kui so?" The Dead-Drunk hazed his drunk eyes at him a while: "Master, you don't know. Days back I was drunk asleep in the street, and he trod on me a foot, and I tripped him his length. Said he had someone to kill. So I called up some brothers and we ringed his Wake-to-Emptiness Hermitage to argue the case; and he, unregenerate, called the DRINKING the fault. My breath couldn't carry it: I fetched a whole bench of wine-immortals to dispute him. He clung to his darkness — no faith in gods or Buddhas at all — till the immortals threw even ME over. So here I sit, self-pouring, self-singing. And what's it to you? — unless you'd wager a few cups with me?" The monk said: "Old almsgiver — you're my BENEFACTOR." The Dead-Drunk said: "I know drinking; I never bestowed anything on anybody. How your benefactor?" The monk said: "You don't know the fine of it. That day Zhong Kui chased me — chased me nearly caught — and had the old almsgiver not tripped him flat, I was a headless ghost that hour. The man he said he'd kill — it was ME. My life is the old almsgiver's saving: benefactor or no?" The Dead-Drunk fretted up: "What did he want killing YOU for?" The monk would speak and wouldn't, humming and hawing; the Dead-Drunk fretted higher: "Speak it PLAIN — what's to hide?" So the monk could only own it: "I'll not gull the almsgiver. Poor-monk was born carrying one point of the lust-heart: at sight of a woman, she's my very life. So the world calls me the Hungry Ghost of Lust. That day I was at my mixings in a private den; how he knew I cannot say — he came to kill me; by luck I'd gone off to my pretty boy, and coming back found the woman slain and him waiting on. I fled; he chased; and but for the almsgiver tripping him, this gourd of mine was made a dipper." The Dead-Drunk said: "Deserves killing! deserves killing! An out-of-family man: sutras unread, discipline uncultivated, nothing but whoring the misses — catch a foul boil one day and where's your life? Or plant half a boy or girl — your own bone-blood: the son grows up a turtle-boy, the daughter a powder-head. THERE'S the hidden merit your out-of-family line lays up!" The monk laughed: "As if one bout ever planted a child!" The Dead-Drunk said: "Can't plant, can't it? Look at the babes in the whores' arms — their lawful husbands' get, I suppose? MEND it, quick — no more of it." The monk laughed: "Now the almsgiver talks drunk-talk in earnest. A man's endowed nature — how is it MENDED? You call my fault lust; what's your own love of wine? YOU mend the wine — I'll mend the lust that day." The Dead-Drunk nodded: "True — hard mending. Then better we go SHARES, you and I, and even it out: deal me some of your lust, and I'll deal you some of my wine, and the pair of us make two wine-AND-lust complete men — none of this lopsidedness the world laughs at." The monk said: "Well argued!" — and from that day the two went whole-and-equal in wine and lust together. Little knowing: wine and lust are the one team that must NEVER be driven abreast — driven abreast, they kill.

Mark it, honored readers. Now tell we again of Zhong Kui, who having argued down the immortal bench and frightened off the Dead-Drunk, took counsel with Xian Yuan: "The Hungry Ghost of Lust has dropped from sight. Why not first stamp out the Great King Goggle-Glare, then come back for him — and waste no double road?" Xian Yuan said: "My lord reckons exactly." So the shade-soldiers were mustered; one torch made an end of Wake-to-Emptiness Hermitage; and the host marched on Goggle-Glare. By now the twelfth month was spent and spring stood at the door — the New Year's feast itself: every house pasting door-couplets, every gate hanging paper-money charms; the white-haired elder mum at his threshold, bowing the old year out; the green-spring little ones clapping in chorus, hailing the new year in. And as Zhong Kui led the column forward, a wine-flag swayed at the roadside. He said to Xian and Fu: "Suppose we drink some scattered cups against the spring chill, and then on." The two gods obeyed and dismounted; Zhong Kui got down from the White Ze; in they went — and there, if you please, sat the Hungry Ghost of Lust and the Dead-Drunk Ghost, cup-for-cup at their free-and-full! Zhong Kui at the sight of them blazed to the roots: "I reckoned you fled past the sky's edge — and you're HERE!" — hand up, sword down: one stroke dispatched the Hungry Ghost of Lust to the Avīci hell to recite his own rebirth-sutra. The Dead-Drunk, watching the monk killed, swayed east and toppled west, and observed: "Deserves killing, deserves killing. Wanted too many of other men's wives, he did." — the sentence unfinished when his head too was off, dead under Fu Qu's saber. As the verse says:

Clear away the wanton bonze — and the boudoirs breed fewer hermitage-strolling wives;
put down the drunkard ghost — and the roadside shows no more street-sprawled men.

How the Great King Goggle-Glare made his exit — hear the next chapter tell.

Chapter Ten — The Goblin-Air Swept Clean, Goggle-Glare Goes Home to Hell; Merit and Practice Full, Zhong Kui Ascends to Heaven

The lyric says:

The whole world runs to cunning — better a little honest slow.
But honest-slow past measure? — a living antique-treasure, that.
The living treasure vexed one man alone: Zhengnan — who schemed and did him in.
Now every goblin-vapor's swept — swept clean; and thanks to whom?
To old Zhong of the House of Tang, no less. Old Zhong, old Zhong — no small account, this merit!

Now tell we of the Great King Goggle-Glare: born fog-headed, endowed dull-simple; majestic as an idol to look at — and exactly that: carved wood, molded clay. He sat mazed on Ash-Gourd Mountain when MUDDLE-HONEST reported: "Great King — calamity's come. One Zhong Kui, with troops and captains past counting, marches on the Great King." The Great King Goggle-Glare rolled up the whites of his two eyes as if he'd heard nothing at all, and made no answer. Muddle-Honest said it all again. Then, goggling and glaring: "…What?" Muddle-Honest said: "Zhong Kui's coming to KILL the Great King." He stretched his eyes wide and glared his face scarlet: "I know that better than YOU." Then of a sudden he bellowed at the Side-Eye Ghost: "Come here." The Side-Eye Ghost side-eyed and slant-eyed and paid him no mind. A meal's time later, again: "COME HERE." Muddle-Honest asked: "Whom is the Great King calling?" Goggle-Glare said: "I'm sending you to scout Zhong Kui." So Muddle-Honest took the order and went — and only THEN the Side-Eye Ghost side-eyed his way over. Goggle-Glare said: "Passing strange — now there's a SECOND Side-Eye Ghost." The Side-Eye said: "There's just the one of me. Where would you find another with my backbone?" Goggle-Glare fixed him a while: "…Wrong." The Side-Eye said: "What's wrong now?" Goggle-Glare said: "Sending him to scout Zhong Kui — I sent the wrong one: should have been you." The Side-Eye said: "Here I stand. How am I 'sent wrong'?" Goggle-Glare looked him over twice, nodded: "…Wrong again." — "WHAT's wrong?" — "Sending YOU to scout Zhong Kui — I sent the wrong one: should have been him." And with that the Side-Eye Ghost finally took the order and went out.

Down Ash-Gourd Mountain, out through Straw-Bag Camp, ambling easy — when pipes and mouth-organs came clamoring on the ear, mighty pleasant listening. The Side-Eye said: "Never mind the errand — I'll just have a look at this." He drew near: one great manor-court, halls, terraces, kiosks, built proper and trim indeed. Outside the great gate a band of players blowing and beating without pause; inside the second gate, drums-and-music again; in the courtyard, gongs and drums to the sky — one troupe of players male, one troupe female, singing verse against verse. In the east wing, monks chanting sutras; in the west wing, Daoists intoning spells. At the tables, courtesans pouring; house-stewards bringing the dishes; lamps and candles blazing bright as plain day; a mountain of people, a sea of persons — liveliness at the full. And the MASTER sat above it all, wearing garments past numbering — fur over fur coat, ear-muff over ear-muff — and, fearing still he couldn't wear them ALL, had the rest racked up on clothes-stands at his side. Of wines, no flavor was not exquisite; of dishes, no color was not fine. The Side-Eye thought: "A duke's house or a marquis's, surely? — else why this extravagance?" — and asked someone softly: "This lord here — what family? And what's the affair today, so grand?" The man said: "LORD? What lord — a commoner white-gown! He's called the SPLURGE GHOST. Today's his birthday — thirty full years — so he's having the Sutra of Longevity recited. Look at him splurging so alive-o — his property has its bottom, mind: enjoy it grand today, and tomorrow, like as not, no rice for the pot." The Side-Eye said: "Ah. One of your HOLLOW-BANG sort — nothing solid under it."

And the Side-Eye Ghost stood watching one entire night — the scouting of Zhong Kui clean forgotten — and only walked back at daybreak. Goggle-Glare asked: "You're back. And Zhong Kui — what is he, in truth?" The Side-Eye said: "Hollow bang. Nothing solid to him." Goggle-Glare said: "Then he's not worth fearing." The Side-Eye said: "…Who do you think I said was hollow?" Goggle-Glare said: "If not Zhong Kui — am I to think this Lonely One is the hollow-bang?" The Side-Eye said: "Neither of you two bangs hollow. Only the SPLURGE GHOST bangs hollow." Goggle-Glare stretched his great eyes: "I send you to scout ZHONG KUI, and you drag me back a SPLURGE GHOST?" The Side-Eye spat: "…I forgot the scouting." Goggle-Glare choked on his own breath half a day, wordless; the Side-Eye stood side-eyeing, blank, another half-day. Goggle-Glare said: "…Hungry." The Side-Eye said: "Hungry, then dare to eat." Another half-day standing, then at last he shuffled to the kitchen and brought up first one platter of dazed-melon greens; then a platter of dead-dog meat; then a bowl of brined chicken necks; a bowl of old mutton; and following, one platter of great steamed buns. Goggle-Glare was deep in the enjoying of it when Muddle-Honest came running: "Great King — quick, finish the meal and stand to arms: Zhong Kui's reached Straw-Bag Camp!" Goggle-Glare finished his rice, wiped his mouth, and inquired at leisure: "This Zhong Kui — fierce, is he?" Muddle-Honest said:

"A green-bronze treasure-sword in his grip;
a soft-winged gauze cap on his head.
Wherever he goes, he slays the goblin-brood —
not one left over for seed.
Troops at his back some hundreds,
a Marshal and General beside.
One breath — he'll stamp flat Straw-Bag Camp,
and never fear the Great King's goggle."

Goggle-Glare stretched both eyes their widest: "Send the Side-Eye Ghost to the field." Muddle-Honest said: "He's — gone off somewhere again." Goggle-Glare sighed: "When the Treacher Ghost and the Slickster were here, I misliked them for not honest. Now even the Side-Eye's walked off. What's to be DONE?" He goggled a while; then there was nothing for it: he strapped the harness, buckled the mail, and came out to take the battle. From this side Fu Qu rode forth: "You'll be the Great King Goggle-Glare?" — Now this Goggle-Glare owned one absolutely matchless art: rail at him, spit at him, beat him, KILL him — all he does is bulge two white eyes at you and give not half a sound. Fu Qu asked him thrice and four times: no answer. Fu Qu blazed, whirled the saber, hacked — NOT A FRACTION would he stir. Fu Qu, amazed past measure and not knowing what craft this was, dared not press it; he drew back the blade, reined round, returned, and reported. Zhong Kui said: "Now THAT'S new." — took the treasure-sword, charged out, and had his own hack at him. And truly: not a fraction's stir — the very image of molded clay and carven wood. Zhong Kui thought: "The man must keep some alien art — no rash touching him. Back, and we'll think." So he wheeled the White Ze to camp and said to Fu Qu: "As I read him: a body that fears no blade — own brother to the Brazenface's face — one of your genuinely UNKILLABLE ones. Else why no dread of sword or saber? It wants a device." Up stepped the Ground-Slink: "Your small one will go plant a great CANNON on his head, touch it off, and blast him dead — how's that?" Zhong Kui said: "Go try it so." So the Ground-Slink took a great cannon and went and PLANTED it square on his crown — and the man, even so, never stirred. He touched the fuse: one roar like a mountain shearing loose. And look at the Great King Goggle-Glare: not only not blasted dead — he'd been blasted UPRIGHT, a whole degree straighter and squarer at the goggle than before! Xian Yuan said: "Killing a thing like this would only dirty the record. All it wants: dig one deep pit BEHIND him; we make a show of drawing off; the Ground-Slink stays to watch. Seeing us gone, he'll turn to go home — into the pit — and we bury him alive, and close the account." So shade-soldiers dug the deep pit at his back.

And the Great King Goggle-Glare stood there all the while, minding only the bulge of his own two white eyes — what did HE know of matters behind him? Zhong Kui, all disposed, left the Ground-Slink on watch and drew the host away rearward — and, far off, sighted one broad manor-court. "We'll halt our horse just here." — and in they rode. And who do you think lived there? The Splurge Ghost — his birthday feast concluded, and the saying proven to the letter: next morning, nothing left to spend. Monks, Daoists, players, musicians, horn-men all crowding in for their fees, there'd been nothing for it but to pawn-and-sell the ear-muffs, the fur coats, the garments wholesale to clear them — keeping back only some few of GAUZE. And now, Zhong Kui at his gate, he had no choice: he put on what he had and came out to receive them. Behold: on his head a gauze kerchief, on his body gauze clothes. The gauze kerchief — chill-soughing, and he shrinking into himself of nature's own accord; the gauze gown — tremble-shaking, and he swaggering it wide by main strength. Light silk head to foot: at first glance, your very needy-sour scholar; goose-flesh over the whole man: looked at close, the image of a sick ghost. "Not ashamed of the quilted-floss robe" — but where's ZILU's height of wind in it? "The spring garments once made" — and not one breath of Zeng Dian's air about it. Waist bowed, belly hugged: sicker than the summer-field weeder; snot run free, shoulders hitched: all his love is the winter sun.

Zhong Kui asked: "Spring's word is in, but the weather bites yet — why, sir, gauze already?" The Splurge Ghost said: "Spring being IN — what's unwearable in it?" Zhong Kui said: "Wearable, to be sure — then why the shivering?" The Splurge Ghost said: "Cold like this — who WOULDN'T shiver?" Zhong Kui laughed one great ha-ha — and the laugh flung the Splurge Ghost into fury. And why so furious? For his birthday he'd hired that grand manor-court on purpose, for the feasting and the plays; this morning the landlord had come hounding him out of the rooms; the horn-men and drummers had brawled for their money till the clothes went under the hammer. He was a face-proud man; standing in gauze before company, the blush was up already; the rage was up already — and Zhong Kui's one laugh landed square on it. Shame boiled to wrath: "What THING are you, to dare stand faceless-and-eyeless laughing at ME?" — and he charged, head-first, to butt him. But he flung his strength too hard: Zhong Kui side-stepped one step — CRACK went skull on wall, brain-broth spurting: dead of his own butt. And while Zhong Kui stood marveling, the soldiers reported: "We've caught a SPY outside — awaiting your worship's disposal." — "Bring him." — and in a knot of shade-soldiers came, hustling the Side-Eye Ghost to his knees mid-court. Zhong Kui said: "Whence come you?" The Side-Eye said: "Your small one is from Ash-Gourd Mountain, Straw-Bag Camp. The Great King Goggle-Glare sent me yesterday to scout one Zhong Kui; I stopped to watch the singing hereabouts, and — forgot. Today it came back to me, so I'm scouting again. Only I can't tell: this Zhong Kui — is he a black one or a white one? East of here or west? If your worships have seen him, do tell your small one — else I trot home empty and the Great King calls me useless AGAIN." The soldiers all burst out laughing; the Side-Eye said: "None of your laughing — it's honest asking!" The soldiers cursed him merrily: "BLIND-EYED rogue — you're KNEELING in front of Lord Zhong Kui this instant, and still talking blind!" The Side-Eye, hearing it was Zhong Kui, scrambled up to run; Fu Qu gave one great shout and cut him down where he ran — and side-eyed he never more. As the verse says:

Alive, his honored style was Side-Eye;
dead, he's past even the title "backbone."
Not the dark courts themselves could find him a use —
let him turn round back of the hill: a mooncalf deer.

Now tell we again of the Great King Goggle-Glare, who — Zhong Kui long gone — STILL stood on and on, having forgotten to go home. The Ground-Slink, waiting till his heart caught fire, settled a scheme: he dressed himself as Muddle-Honest, crossed over, and reported: "Great King — you're hungry. Pray come home to table." Goggle-Glare said: "That Zhong Kui — he'll not come again?" — "He'll not." Goggle-Glare nodded, turned himself round to go, took one grand stride — "Ill done! This Lonely One is FALLING—" — the sentence half-said: one ringing crash, and down the pit he went. The Ground-Slink flew with the news; Zhong Kui brought the host back to look — and there in the pit sat the Great King Goggle-Glare, goggling and glaring up. The Ground-Slink, to flourish his slickness, snatched a spear and jabbed down at him. Who'd have guessed: Goggle-Glare had his one un-goggled moment — he CAUGHT the spear-shaft and hauled; down came the Ground-Slink into the pit; and before the soldiers could save him, Goggle-Glare had sat down square upon him and crushed him dead under his buttocks. Zhong Kui in wrath bade the soldiers heap the earth in fast; and so — alas for the Great King Goggle-Glare, who goggled and glared through half a world's age — the account was closed. As the verse says:

While three breaths last, they serve for nothing much;
before the body dies, the business is over and done.

Zhong Kui, the Great King Goggle-Glare buried alive, said to Xian and Fu: "I mind me, when I left the dark offices, King Yama handed me the ghost-register — and the last name entered on it was Goggle-Glare's. He being now put down, why not check the register through, and count what's slain?" Xian Yuan fetched the register and checked it name under name: every one either slain or soothed, and not a single omission. Zhong Kui rejoiced greatly: "Then my merit and practice stand FULL — we may march home in triumph." He sheathed the treasure-sword, thrust the tablet in his sash — and truly it was whip tapping the gold stirrup ringing, voices joined in the victory-song, in grand array back to the dark courts of Fengdu. As the verse says:

The crooked slain to the last, the sword-breath cold;
the name made, the return — ten thousand rejoice.
If King Yama asks about the crooked-quelling —
look on it as no common turning of the wheel.

Over the Naihe Bridge, in through the City of Those Dead in Vain — and the gate-judge, knowing Zhong Kui, welcomed him into Fengdu and ran word up the Senluo hall. The Ten Kings Yama were just gathered in one hall on common business; hearing Zhong Kui was come, all ten came down the hall to meet him. Zhong Kui did his courtesies; King Yama laughed: "One reckoned year — and the slaying's DONE. Speed indeed, honored god!" Zhong Kui said: "Leaning on the Great Kings' overhanging awe, and borrowing the wing-and-aid of the two gods Xian and Fu — what merit is your small god's own?" They ushered him up the hall; bows exchanged, Xian and Fu came forward to salute the Kings — and THIS time, mark, the reception was another thing entirely from before. The great feast was spread: Zhong Kui in the seat of honor, Xian and Fu at his sides, the Ten Kings hosting down the board.

Three rounds in, King Yama said: "Honored god — the ghost-slaying merits, pray tell them in order; we would memorialize the Court of Heaven and beg your enfeoffments." So Zhong Kui told it through: which ghost cut down thus, which ghost soothed so; and added: "There were some besides not on the register. Your small god, finding them vile, slew them along with the rest." King Yama asked which. Zhong Kui said: "The Big Galoot; the Uncherished Man; and those women the Hungry Ghost of Lust was herding — none stood in the book." King Yama said: "What the honored god does not know: that Big Galoot was LÜ BU come round again — brave, yes, but wanting the hard bone; so he was sentenced into such a body, to wait your sword — requital for the killing of Ding Jianyang. And the Uncherished Man was ZHANG THE SIXTH — Changzong — come round: born so fair that all men loved him, whence all that harem-filth; so he was sentenced into an uncherishable man — and they that loathe him in this life are exactly they that loved him in the last. The honored god slew neither wrongly." Zhong Kui said: "Then I suppose those WOMEN had their histories too?" King Yama said: "How not? Empress Lü; Wu Zetian; Zhao Feiyan; Yang Guifei; the Lady of Guo; Jia Chong's wife — that whole sisterhood. For wantonness past measure they were sentenced to a spell of hunger and cold, to mend the old fault somewhat — and shameless they sat on even so. The honored god's sword was less than their due: this king means to sentence them on — sows next, and ewes, and jennies, and mares." Zhong Kui said: "Those were but the wanton. Then Cao Cao and Wang Mang; and our own dynasty's Yang Guozhong, An Lushan, Lu Qi and their breed — how does the Great King dispose of THOSE?" King Yama said: "Cao Cao and Wang Mang have sat the Avīci hell some hundreds of years now. Yang Guozhong is sentenced already — an OX; An Lushan is sentenced — a PIG: all they suffered alive without limit, and at death the one knife anyway, the hide flayed, the bones minced. Greatest guilt, greatest grinding: the dark offices keep their own justice, though the living world know nothing of it." Xian and Fu, hearing how Yang Guozhong and An Lushan were served, cried with one voice: "Good! GOOD! Our two hates are melted too!" Zhong Kui asked: "And LU QI?" King Yama said: "Brought in yesterday — not yet sentenced." Zhong Kui said: "Might he be led out? Your small god has one question for him." King Yama passed the order; a dozen glowering ghosts hauled him in roped. Zhong Kui blazed at the sight: "LU QI. Do you know me still?" Lu Qi raised his head one look — Zhong Kui! — and shook where he groveled: "That day it was the SON OF HEAVEN misliked your face, my lord — no crime of Lu Qi's—" Zhong Kui in wrath drew sword to cut him down; but King Yama said: "Slay him, honored god, and you do him a KINDNESS. Watch this king dispose of him." — and he ordered Lu Qi into the OIL CAULDRON; and in the space of a breath the skin and bones came apart. Zhong Kui, mightily pleased, said to King Yama: "The shade-soldiers toiled a whole campaign — bestow this meat on them to share out and eat?" King Yama allowed it; the soldiers received it and went off leaping. King Yama said: "The evils are cleared to the last. Let the honored god now fast, bathe, and keep vigil: in three days you go with this king to audience before the Jade Sovereign Highest Thearch." So the feast broke up, and each kept his devout preparation — of which no more.

Now tell we of the Jade Sovereign Highest Thearch holding court one day — and heaven's court-order is another thing than the world of men's. Behold: yellow dragons coiling the pillars; painted phoenixes in flight along the eaves. To the left, golden lads bearing the incense-caskets; to the right, jade maidens trays-lifting the bright pearls. Pipes and mouth-organs brimming the ear — below the cinnabar stair, one strain of immortal music; auspicious mists filling the eye — upon the jeweled hall, ten thousand shafts of blessed light. The Nine Luminaries star-officials, capped and belted, gravely elegant; the Twenty-Eight Mansions, helmed and mailed, awesome and chill. Beneath the Southern Heaven-Gate the Four Marshals sit ranked east and west; within the Jade-Void Hall the Ten Fair Maidens stand filed left and right. Old Lord Li rides his green ox from afar to court; Lü Chunyang spurs his white crane, hastening the triple hail. There is the Great Numinous God, body like Mount Tai, gripping his golden dagger-axe on hall-duty; and there is the old Longevity Star, head like a willow-basket, leaning his bamboo staff aslant to watch the court-order.

That day the Jade Sovereign sat on high; the assembled heaven-gods finished the great hail; and the Jade Sovereign asked: "Today heaven-and-earth stands clear and the lower world at peace. Southern Jambudvīpa will have its true lord, We trust?" Before the gods could answer, the Great White Metal Star lay flat at the golden stair: "Beyond the Southern Heaven-Gate the Ten Kings Yama await the summons." — "Summon them." The Ten Kings entered the court, prostrated, and memorialized: "Your ministers' office is the dark realm: every guilt and evil, we judge it with a public hand. But the Great Tang keeps a breed — ghost-seeming yet not ghost, man-seeming yet not man — who, indulging their endowment and steeping it in habit besides, have every SUBSTANCE of crime and no NAME of crime: the King's law cannot fasten on them; requital finds no handle to show by. By fortune there was ZHONG KUI — a man of hard-straight breath, of talents civil and martial both, whom, for the ugliness of his born face, the Tang lord cast off; he cut his throat and died; the Tang lord bade him range all-under-heaven slaying the crooked and uncanny. Your ministers lent him besides three hundred shade-soldiers and the two men Xian and Fu — Xian Yuan with the wheel-plotting gift, Fu Qu with the ten-thousand-man courage. Wherever they came, all was swept level; the goblin-kind wiped from the trace. Such are the merits of Zhong Kui and of Xian and Fu. Your ministers have heard: the meritorious must meet thick reward. Prostrate we beg Your Majesty: enfeoff, shade, and entitle them, that encouragement shine. Your ministers, past measure trembling, await the command." The Jade Thearch heard it to the end and summoned the three gods up the hall. He saw Zhong Kui: awe rolling off him, a presence of state; Xian Yuan: scholar-elegant, wind-and-stream; Fu Qu: wolf-waist, tiger-trunk. The heaven-countenance was greatly pleased. The decree went down: "Let the Ten Kings return; We shall bestow the titles." So the Ten Kings bowed their thanks and went back to Fengdu; and Zhong Kui and the rest lay prostrate below the hall awaiting the mandate. In no long while the Great White Metal Star bore the jade edict high and proclaimed it before the hall:

"The Jade Thearch decrees: We hold that since the Two Modes divided and the Three Powers first stood, heaven got the One and made the yang, earth got the One and made the yin, and what is endowed of heaven-and-earth's breath is sorted to the Five Phases. Who could foreknow that customs would go several and habit soak into nature? Now in Southern Jambudvīpa, in the world of the Great Tang state, the hearts of men breed evil-karma pitiable indeed: some float-and-vaunt with nothing real; some hollow-cheat without sincerity; some hug the miser-heart, blind to their sons' and grandsons' ruin; some run riot in waste, careless of heaven-and-earth's treasures; some sot themselves to the death of life; some lust themselves to the fall of the body. The King's law ropes them — and finds no evidence; cause-and-fruit requites them — and finds no proof. YOU, ZHONG KUI: holding clear-hard virtue, keeping the great-upright heart, you have slain the crooked in all their kinds of unwholesomeness; your record weighs in truth not light. Be you enfeoffed: THEARCH-LORD WHO AIDS THE RIGHT AND EXPELS THE CROOKED, THUNDERCLAP DRIVER OF DEMONS. Xian Yuan: with the integrity of Kong and Meng and the stratagems of Sun and Wu — be you enfeoffed: TRUE LORD OF THE HEAVENLY PIVOT, CIVIL VIRTUE, WING TO THE HOLY. Fu Qu: with the valor of Ben and Yu and the arts of Feng and Yi — be you enfeoffed: TRUE LORD OF THE HEAVENLY PIVOT, MARTIAL VIRTUE, AID TO THE HOLY. Ah! — the goblin-breath being spent, look up to the great sun shining everywhere; the upright breath stretched long — all this is Zhong Kui's vast merit. A deed towering over now-and-antiquity; let the title crown heaven-and-man alike. Respect this. Give thanks."

Zhong Kui and the two gave thanks for the grace; the Jade Thearch closed the court; Xian and Fu took leave of Zhong Kui and went off each to his post in the Heaven-Pivot Enclosure. And Zhong Kui went out by the Southern Heaven-Gate, mounted the White Ze, two dragon-banners opening the road before him, and rode to his TEMPLE, to sit and receive the incense-fires. This was the temple raised after the Skinflint's fall — the people's gratitude had built it gold-and-jasper, blaze to the eye: five bays of great gate, seven of great hall, roomy and free. And not Zhong Kui alone fed on that incense without end: the BAT and the WHITE ZE shared the offerings with him. And answerable the shrine was, past the common run: ask wind, you got wind; ask rain, you got rain; and the people served it devoutly to a household. The magistrate reported the auspice up; the provincials memorialized the court; Emperor Dezong, greatly pleased, decreed LIU GONGQUAN to inscribe a plaque — ground of azurite, characters faced in true gold, wrapped in yellow damask — and sent the President of the Board of Rites, Du Huangchang, with the palace eunuch Yu Chao'en, to come hang it. The countryside shook with it; the market-towns boiled with it: great and small, male and female, all came to see. One strain of pipes and drums brought the plaque to the temple; the yellow damask was unwrapped; the plaque rose onto the hall. The scholar-gentry crowded up to read. Finely written it was, in a true formal hand — five golden characters, each big as a tile-basin — and the assembled people read them out:

"AS IF SUCH THINGS COULD EVER BE."

The poem says:

Flowers brush the blind-hooks; the noon dream runs long;
waking, I lift the brush and record absurdities.
For slaying the crooked there IS an art — the WORD is the sword;
for quelling ghosts no power at all — the MOUTH stands in for the spear.
Fu Qu's flourished wonders — every one a phantom;
Xian Yuan's settled stratagems — never of this world.
It is only that the Zhong Kui IN THE PAINTING was so fine:
stroke by stroke I have traced him out, and told the details all.

THE END of The Tale of Slaying Ghosts.

Colophon

This is a complete English translation of the 斬鬼傳 (Zhan gui zhuan), the early-Qing satirical novel of Zhong Kui by Liu Zhang 劉璋 (b. 1667) of Yangqu, Shanxi, who wrote as 煙霞散人, the Mist-and-Clouds Wanderer. The novel circulated from about 1701 in four fascicles and ten chapters. To our knowledge no complete English translation has previously existed; the related but distinct novel 唐鍾馗平鬼傳 has been translated commercially, and scholarship in English discusses the present work, but the work itself has not been Englished before.

The translation was made directly from the Chinese of the Project Gutenberg edition (eBook #23867, produced by Shiou-Yun Lin), reproduced entire below. The ghosts' names are speaking-names and are translated as such; several draw on Shanxi colloquial speech, and where a name's sense only declares itself in a later chapter's episode, the register in Chapter One follows the sense established there. The helpers' names Xian Yuan and Fu Qu pun on "swallowed injustice" (銜冤) and "borne wrongs" (負屈); the physiognomist descends from Yuan Tiangang; the White-Browed God is identified in the text with Robber Zhi; the coffin under the peonies belongs to the hero of the Carnal Prayer Mat; and the closing plaque reads in five gilded characters what the reader must discover for themselves. Verse, doggerel, drinking-songs, sacrificial addresses, legal documents, and the parodies of each are rendered as their kinds.

Prepared for the Good Work Library by the Tianmu Anglican Church with AI-assisted research, transcription, and translation.

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Source Text: 斬鬼傳

The complete Chinese text, from Project Gutenberg eBook #23867 (released 2007; produced by Shiou-Yun Lin), reproduced verbatim.

第一回 金鑾殿求榮得禍　酆都府舍鬼談人

　　世事澆漓奈若何，千般變態出心窩。止知陰府皆魂魄，不想人間鬼魅多。閑題
筆，漫蹉跎，焉能個個不生魔？若能改盡妖邪狀，常把青鋒石上磨。

這首詞單道人之初生，同秉三才，共賦五行，何嘗有甚分別處？及至受生之後，習
於流俗囿於氣質，遂至所稟各异。好逞才的，流於輕薄，好老實的。流於迂腐，更
有那慳吝的，半文不捨，搗大的，滿口胡謅。奇形怪狀，鬼氣妖氛種種各別，人既
有些鬼形，遂人人都起些鬼號。把一個光天化日，竟半似陰曹地府。你道可嘆不可
嘆？在下如今想了個銷魔的方法，與列位燥一燥，醒一醒眼。

　　話說唐朝終南山有一秀才，姓鍾名馗，字正南。生的豹頭環眼，鐵面虯鬚，甚
是醜惡怕人。誰知他外貌雖是不足，內才卻甚有餘，筆動時，篇篇錦繡，墨走處字
字珠璣。且是生來正直，不懼邪祟。其時正是唐德宗登基，年當大比。這鍾馗別了
親友，前去應試，一路上免不得飢餐渴飲，夜宿曉行。一日，到了長安，果然好一
個建都之地。怎見得：

　　華山朝拱，渭水環流，宮殿巍巍，高聳雲霄之外，樓臺疊疊，排連山水之間。
做官的，錦袍朱履，果然顯赫驚人。讀書的，緩帶輕裘，真個威儀出眾。挨肩擦背
，大都名利之徒。費力勞心，半是商農之輩。黃口小兒，爭來平地打筋斗﹔白髮老
者，閑坐陽坡胡搗喇。

　　這鍾馗觀之不盡，玩之有餘，到了店門口。那店二，吃了驚，說道：“我這裏
來來往往，不知見了多少人。怎麼這位相公，生得這等醜惡？”鍾馗笑道：“你看
俺貌雖惡，心卻善也。快安排一間潔淨房兒，待俺將息，以便進場。”這店二將鍾
馗安下，收拾晚飯，鍾馗吃了。祇見長班趙鼎元稟道：“明天買卷，該銀貳兩。”
鍾馗道：“怎麼就該這些？”趙長班道：“每年舊例：卷子要壹兩二錢，寫卷面要
壹錢，投卷要五錢，結元要貳錢，共該貳兩之數。”鍾馗於是打開行李，稱的貳兩
雪花白銀，付與趙鼎元。趙鼎元接了銀子，道：“明日投文，後日準備進場，相公
不可有誤。”鍾馗點首應喏。一宿晚景提過。

　　次日起來，禮部里了投文書，走到十字街上，祇見一伙人圍著一個相面的先生
，在那裏談相。這鍾馗挨入人眾，看那先生怎生模樣？眸如朗月，口若懸河。眸如
朗月，觀眉處忠奸立辨﹔口若懸河，談論時神鬼皆驚。戴一頂折角頭巾，依稀好似
郭林宗，穿一雙跟足朱履，仿佛渾如張果老。皂殼扇指東畫西，黃練絲絛拖前束後
。曩在兩河觀將相，今來此地辨英雄。

　　這先生原是袁天罡的玄孫袁有傳是也。因時當大比，故來此處談相。鍾馗等的
眾人相畢，先生稍暇，方走進前說道：“俺也要煩先生一相。”那先生抬頭一看，
祇見鍾馗威風凜凜，相貌堂堂，暗自沉吟道：“俺相這半日，都是些庸庸碌碌，並
無超群出眾之才。這人來的十分古怪！”於是定睛細看，看了一會，問道：“足下
高姓大名？”鍾馗道：“俺姓鍾名馗，特來領教。”那先生道：“足下天庭飽滿，
地閣方圓，更有兩額朝拱蘭臺，自有大貴之相。祇是印堂間現了墨氣，旬日內必有
大禍，望足下謹慎纔是。”鍾馗道：“君子問兇不問吉，大丈夫在世，祇要行的端
正，至於生死禍福，聽天而已，何足畏哉。”於是舉手謝了袁先生，佯長去了。

　　到次日進場，魚貫而入。原來唐朝取士與漢朝不同。漢朝取士以孝廉，唐朝取
士以詩賦。鍾馗接到題目，卻是《瀛洲待宴》應制五首，《鸚鵡》一篇。鍾馗提起
筆來，不假思索，一揮而就。果真是敲金戛玉，文不加點。鍾馗又自從頭看了一遍
，自覺得意。於是交卷出場。你道當日主闈的是誰？原來正主考是吏部左侍郎韓愈
﹔副主考是學士陸贄。兩人同心合力，要與朝廷拔取真才。怎奈閱來閱去，不是庸
腐可厭，就是放蕩不羈，更有那平仄不識，韻腳不諳的，還有那信口胡謅，一字不
通的。間有一貳可視，亦不過平平而已。二人笑的目腫口歪，不禁攢眉嘆息道：“
如此之才，怎生是好？”忽然閱到鍾馗之卷，喜的雙手拍案，連聲道：“奇才！奇
才！李太白、杜子美後一人而已。清新俊逸，體裁大雅，盛唐風度，於斯再見矣。
”二人閱了又閱，贊了又贊，取為貢士之首，專候德宗皇帝金殿傳臚，以為聖朝得
人之慶。到了那日五鼓設朝時候，果然是皇家氣象，十分整齊，但見：

　　九間金殿，金殿上排列著朗鉞明瓜。兩道朝房，朝房內端坐著青章紫綬。御樂
齊鳴，卷簾處，香煙繚繞，隱隱見鳳目龍姿。金鞭三響，排班時，紗帽繽紛，個個
皆鵷班鵠立。站殿將軍，圓睜著兩隻怪眼，把門白象，齊漏著一對粗牙。正是：
　　九天闔閭開宮殿，萬國衣冠拜冕旒。
　　鍾馗等俯伏金階，不敢仰視。祇聽的鴻臚寺正卿高聲喧唱：第一甲第一名：鍾
馗。引見官將鍾馗引至金殿跪下。德宗皇帝揚龍目，開鳳眼，將鍾馗一看，心中甚
是不悅，道：“我朝取士，全在身言書判。這醜態如何做得狀元？”韓愈見龍顏不
悅，俯伏奏道：“臣等職司文衡，止知閱卷，不得閱人。此人詩賦句句琳瑯，篇篇
錦繡，陛下不可因人而棄其才。且人才之優劣，全不在貌。晏嬰身矮，而能相齊﹔
周昌口吃，而能輔漢。若以貌，我朝張易之、張昌宗，非其明鑒耶。孔聖人之云：
‘以貌取人，失之子羽’。願陛下熟思之！”德宗道：“卿言雖是，但我太宗皇帝
時，十八學士登瀛州，至今傳為美談。若以此人為狀元，恐四海人民皆笑朕不識人
才？”話猶未了，祇見班部中閃出宰相盧杞，?頭相簡，玉帶蟒袍，俯伏奏道：“
陛下之言誠是。狀元必須內外兼全，三百名中，豈少其人？何不另選一名，而煩聖
心之躊躇耶。”鍾馗聞言大怒，跳起來道：“人言盧杞奸邪，今日看果然。”於是
舞笏便打。

　　此時鬧動了金鑾殿，混亂了朝儀。德宗皇帝龍顏大怒，喝令金瓜武士，將鍾馗
拿下。鍾馗氣的暴跳如雷，竟將站殿將軍渾瑊腰間寶劍拔出，自刎而死。德宗驚的
目瞪口呆，眾官唬的面如土色。祇見陸贄怒氣填胸，向前奏道：“宰相不能憐才而
反害才。他說鍾馗醜惡，做不的狀元，他今現稱藍面鬼，豈可做宰相？奸邪誤國，
罪不容誅，望陛下察之。”德宗此時，如嚼橄欖，方纔回過味來，說道：“寡人一
時不明，卿言是也。”遂將盧杞發配嶺外，以正妒嫉之罪。封鍾馗為驅魔大神，遍
行天下，以斬妖邪，仍以狀元官職殯葬，眾官方纔喜悅，皆呼萬歲，德宗退朝，不
在話下。卻說鍾馗受了封號，空中謝恩畢，提著寶刀，插著笏板，悠悠蕩蕩，向東
南而走。走夠多時，遠遠望見一座城池，好生險惡。但見：
　　陰風慘慘，黑霧漫漫。陰風中仿佛聞嚎哭之聲，黑霧內依稀見魑魅之像。披枷
帶鎖，盡道何日脫陰山？鋸解就莊，不知甚時離苦海？目連母斜倚獄口盼孩兒，賈
充妻呆坐奈何等漢子。牛頭馬面簇擁曹瞞纔過去，喪門弔客勾牽王莽又重來。正是：
　　人間不見奸邪輩，地府壘堆受罪人。

　　鍾馗正在觀看之際，祇見一個判官領著兩個鬼卒飛來，高聲問道：“汝是何方
魂魄？來俺這酆都城何幹？速速講明，好放你過去。”鍾馗看那判官時，卻與自己
一般模樣，也戴著一頂軟翅紗帽，也穿著一件肉紅圓領，也束著一條犀角大帶，也
踏著一雙歪頭皂靴，也長著一部落腮鬍鬚，也睜著兩隻燈盞圓眼。左手拿著善惡簿
、右手拿著生死筆，祇是不曾帶著寶劍。鍾馗暗自思想道：“奇哉！奇哉！難道此
人也像俺負屈而死的麼？”遂向判官道：“俺姓鍾名馗，本中唐朝狀元。祇因唐天
子以貌取士，不論文字﹔又被盧杞逢君，要將俺革退，俺氣憤而死。唐天子憐俺苦
死，封俺為驅魔大神，遍行天下，以斬妖邪。俺想妖邪唯汝酆都最多，今既到此，
煩你通報閻君，指點與俺，以便驅除，庶不負唐天子封俺之意。”判官聽說此言，
遂拱立道旁，說道：“不知尊神到此，不但有失遠迎。”適纔方且衝撞，望乞恕罪
！尊神欲見閻君，待小判急急通報便了。於是別了鍾馗，飛跑至森羅殿上，稟道：
“小判把守酆都城，忽有一人自稱唐朝狀元，姓鍾名馗，唐王嫌他貌醜，他自刎而
亡，唐王封他為驅魔大神，他今特來斬鬼，要見大王。”閻君早已知其始末，便道
：“有請！”那判官於是迎請鍾馗，進了大門，祇見兩邊排列的都是些猙獰惡鬼。
到了殿上，又見柱子上掛著一副對聯，上寫著：
　　
莫胡為，幻夢空花，看看眼前實不實，徒勞機巧。休大膽，烊銅熟鐵，抹抹心頭怕
不怕，仔細思量。

　　閻君下座相迎，鍾馗倒身下拜，閻君雙手扶起，讓鍾馗坐定，問道：“尊神至
此有何見教？”鍾馗道：“俺奉唐天子之命，遍斬妖邪。俺想妖邪此處必多，伏祈
指出一二。”閻君說：“俺陰司妖邪固多，然都是些服毒鬼、上弔鬼、淹死鬼、餓
死鬼。鬼魅雖多，經理神靈卻也不少。孤家自理之餘，還有秦廣王，又楚江王、宋
帝王、五官王、卞城王、太山王、平康王、轉輪王，又有左三曹、右三曹、七十二
司，並無一個遊魂敢於做祟。尊神要斬妖邪，倒是陽間最多，何不去斬？”鍾馗聽
了大笑，道：“陽世間乃光天化日，又有王法約制，豈容此輩存站耶？”閻君道：
“尊神止知其一，不知其二。大凡人鬼之分，祇在方寸間。方寸正，鬼可為神。方
寸不正，人即為鬼。君不見古來忠臣孝子，何嘗不以鬼為神乎。若夫曹瞞等輩，陽
險莫測，豈得謂之為人耶？”鍾馗聞之，豁然大悟，道：“是，是！但不知此等鬼
是何名目？”

　　閻君愀然道：“此等鬼最難處治。欲行之以王法，彼無犯罪之名，欲彰之以報
應，又無得罪之狀。曾差鬼卒稽查，大都是些習染成性的罪孽。”叫判官將此等鬼
簿拿來，與大神過目。判官遞上，鍾馗展開一看，祇見上面記的都是些謅鬼、假鬼
、奸鬼、搗大鬼、冒失鬼、挖渣鬼、仔細鬼、討吃鬼、地哩鬼、叫街鬼、偷屍鬼、
含磣鬼、倒塌鬼、涎臉鬼、滴料鬼、發賤鬼、急急鬼、耍碗鬼、低達鬼、遭瘟鬼、
澆虛鬼、輕薄鬼、綿纏鬼、黑眼鬼、齷齪鬼、溫斯鬼、不通鬼、誆騙鬼、急賴鬼、
心病鬼、醉死鬼、摳掐鬼、伶俐鬼、急突鬼、丟謊鬼、乜斜鬼、撩橋鬼、色中餓鬼
，臨了個是楞睜大王。鍾馗看畢，驚訝道：“不料世間有這些鬼魅，不知今在何處
？”閻君道：“無有定處，大抵繁華地方的所在，搗大挖渣等鬼多些。地方鄙俗所
在，齷齪，仔細這兩種鬼多。其餘散處四方，總無定蹤。尊神當隨便驅除可也。其
驅除之法，亦不可概施。得誅者誅，得撫者撫，總要量其情之輕重，酌其罪之大小
，祇在尊神酌量而施行。”鍾馗道：“雖然如此，但陰間鬼魅，有十殿閻君經理，
又有左右曹協辦，陽間協助，陽間鬼魅，單委小神一人，誠恐獨力難支，將如之何
？”閻君道：“孤家這裏有兩個英雄，一個喚做咸淵，一個喚做富曲，各具文武之
才。此二人可以隨便驅使，再發三百名陰兵，著他二人統領，以助尊神之威，如何
？”鍾馗道：“如此最好，多謝美意。”閻君於是速傳咸、富二人上殿聽旨，二人
俯伏殿前。鍾馗舉目觀看，那咸、富二人怎生模樣：
　　頭戴儒巾，論腦油足有半斤，身穿儒服，說塵垢少殺三升。滿腹文章，怎奈飢
時難煮。填胸浩氣，祇好苦處長吁。白眼親友，反說酸子骨離。難心妻妾，倒言夫
主情乖。正是：
　　失意貓兒難學虎，敗翎鸚鵡不如雞。　　鍾馗看了咸淵，再看富曲時，卻又不
同。怎見得：
　　舉止剛強，形容古怪。狼腰虎体，兩臂有力千斤。海闊天空，一心私無半點，
身能扛鼎，怎奈無鼎可扛。氣可沖天，其如有天難沖。爛弓折箭，怎好向人前賣弄
。三略六韜，祇落得紙上談兵。正是：
　　雄心欲把山河奠，薄命難逃推轂人。

　　閻君對鍾馗道：“尊神看此二人如何？”鍾馗道：“文謀武略，料來不差，得
此二人足矣。但小神無驥可乘，亦覺褻體。”閻君躊躇一會，道：“這也不難，俺
陰山中有一白澤，他前生原是吳國的伯嚭，祇因奸邪，後又害了伍子胥，故將他貶
到陰山，變為白澤。數百年來，自怨自艾，頗有改邪歸正之心。此物堪與尊神騎坐
，成功之日，亦可以升天矣。”遂叫鬼卒將白澤牽來。閻君吩咐道：“伯嚭，你既
為人獸，頗有心，可與驅魔大神騎坐，建功立業，懺悔生前罪惡。”祇見那白澤搖
頭擺尾，有欣然欲往之狀。鍾馗於是起身，稱謝閻君。謝畢，飛身上了白澤，提著
寶劍，插著芴板。咸、富二人亦騎上駿馬，率三百陰兵，浩浩蕩蕩往陽世而來。

　　過了枉死城，祇見奈何橋上站著一個小鬼，攔住鍾馗去路，大喝道：“何處魔
神，敢從俺奈何橋經過？”鍾馗大怒，道：“唐天子封俺為神，閻羅王助俺兵將，
你是何人，敢大膽攔路？”那小兒聽說，道：“原來是位尊神。敢問尊神往那裏去
？”鍾馗道：“俺奉唐天子之命，遍行天下，以斬妖邪。”小鬼道：“尊神既要遍
行天下，俺情願相隨。”鍾馗道：“汝有何能，要來隨俺。”小鬼道：“稟上尊神
，俺這鬼形是適纔變的，俺的原身是田間鼴鼠，曾與鷦鷯賭賽，他欲巢遍林上，我
欲飲乾奈河。不料他所巢不過一枝，俺所飲不過滿腹，俺自飲此水之後，身邊生了
兩翅，化為蝙蝠。凡有鬼的所在，惟俺能知。尊神欲誅妖邪，俺情願做個向導。”
鍾馗聽了大喜道：“俺正少一個向導。你試現了原形俺看。”那小鬼現了原身，往
前飛去，果然好一個碗大的蝙蝠。鍾馗甚喜，跟定蝙蝠，踊躍而去。這纔是：
　　魑魅攢眉，鶴淚風聲皆是將，
　　魍魎破膽，山川草木總成兵。
　　不知此去到陽間如何斬鬼？且聽下回分解。

第二回 訴根由兩神共憤　逞豪強三鬼齊謅

　　詞曰：
　　謾說子雲才，無見幫扶志已灰，彈鋏田文何處去，哀哀說道傷心淚滿腮。
　　冷眼怕睜開，滿目難看似插柴。幸有寬皮裝了去，談談搗大欺人為甚來。
　　　　　　　　　　右調《南鄉子》
　　話說鍾馗，跟著蝙蝠，領著陰兵，浩浩蕩蕩早已到了陽間。其時正是三春時候
，大家都化做人形，一路桃紅柳綠，碧水清山。遠遠看見綠柳灣裏，顯出一座古寺
，那蝙蝠早已飛向前去了。鍾馗道：“俺們不免到那寺裏歇息歇息再走，如何？”
咸、富齊聲應諾。漸漸走近前來，祇見寺門上懸著一面匾額，上寫著“稀奇寺”三
個大字，裏面怎生修蓋？但見：

　　琉璃瓦光如碧玉，朱漆柱潤若丹砂。白雲臺基，打磨的光光滑滑，綠油斗拱，
妝畫的整整齊齊。頭門下斜歪著兩個金剛，咬著牙，睜著眼，威風凜凜。二門裏端
坐著四大天王，托著塔，拿著傘，懷抱琵琶，拿著劍，像貌堂堂。左一帶南海觀音
，率領著十八羅漢。右一帶地藏尊者，陪坐著十殿閻君。三尊古佛，蓮臺上垂眉落
眼。兩位伽藍，香案後拱手瞻依。更有那彌勒佛，張著口，呵呵大笑。還有那立韋
馱，捧著杵默默無言。老和尚故意欺人常打坐，小沙彌無心念佛害相思。

　　鍾馗等走入寺中，知客迎著問道：“尊官是何處貴人來遊敝寺？”鍾馗道：“
俺路過到此，因見上剎莊嚴，故來瞻仰。”知客遂引著鍾馗拜了佛祖，參了菩薩，
又引至後殿，謁了彌勒大佛。隨喜了一會，纔請入方丈。待茶以畢，知客道：“老
爺到此，本該恭備齋饌。祇因新來了一個火頭，懶惰異常，齋饌不能速辦，是以猶
豫不決。”鍾馗道：“咱家從不吃素，你祇替俺買些肉來，打些酒來便了。”知客
一見如此說，祇得忙去買了幾塊熟肉，打了幾瓶酒，送到方丈。這鍾馗挽著袍袖，
用劍將肉割的粉碎，撩起長鬚，露出一張大嘴，如狼吞虎咽的一般，一面吃肉一面
飲酒。咸、富二人相陪吃了。霎時間風卷殘雲，杯盤狼藉。

　　鍾馗歇了歇，方問咸、富二神說道：“前者閻君處走的慌速，不曾細問二人根
由。一路上又貪走路，此時閑暇，二神何不細講一番。咱家也得個明白。”這咸淵
嘆口氣道：“俺本是一介寒儒，上無父母，下無兄弟，孤苦零仃，終日祇是吟詩作
賦。本不想此時與彼時不同，吟下盈千累萬，卻做不得衣裳，御不得寒冷。此賦與
彼富相懸，作下滿案盈箱，卻立不得產業，當不得家伙。每日咽喉似海，活計全無
。看看的窮到底，待要投親戚，那親戚不能憐我，而反笑我﹔欲靠朋友，那朋友不
能助我，而反躲我。家中妻子交滴無已。因此俺撇了桑梓，四海遨遊。怎奈他鄉與
故土一般，那風流的嫌俺迂疏，糟腐的嫌我狂蕩。後來遊至都門，頗為知章賀老先
生賞識，那年正當大比，蒙賀老先生取為探花及第，不想宰相楊國忠要拿他兒子做
狀元，賀老先生嫌他文字不通，不肯取他。楊國忠上了一本，說賀老先生朋比為奸
，閱卷不明。朝廷就把賀老先生罷職，將俺也革退。俺半生流落，方得知遇，又成
畫餅，命薄如紙，活他何益？因此氣憤不過，一頭撞死。閻君憐俺無辜，正欲仰奏
天庭，恰值主公索輔。俺今輔佐主公，亦可謂得見天日矣。”說罷，號啕痛哭。鍾
馗道：“苦哉，苦哉！遭際與俺無異。俺今日全拜你為行軍司馬，待功成之後，奏
知上帝，那時再討封爵如何？”咸淵含淚拜謝。祇見那富曲早已在那裏落下淚來，
鍾馗道：“據此光景，想你的來歷，也是艱難的了。”那富曲揩了揩淚，說道：“
俺本是將門之子，自幼愛習弓馬，頗有百步穿楊之技，怎奈時乖運蹇，屢舉不第。
後來投了哥舒翰。那年吐蕃作亂，哥舒翰令安祿山征討，使俺後軍。安祿山失了機
，陷入賊陣，是俺奮不顧身將他救出。哥舒翰要斬他，他求了楊娘娘的情面，向明
皇說道：“主將敗陣，皆偏稗不用力之過。遂將俺斬了。這段奇冤，無處申訴。今
日得遇主公，或可借此以泄胸中之憤也。”鍾馗道：“可憐，可憐！俺拜咸富為行
軍司馬，今拜你為開路先鋒如何？”富曲倒身下拜，謝畢坐下。兩神又問鍾馗始末
，鍾馗從頭至尾說了一遍，二神不勝嘆息。正是：
　　愁人莫向愁人說，說起愁來愁殺人。

　　鍾馗就在這寺中宿了一晚。次日起來，正欲整動陰兵向前面走，祇見一個小沙
彌，慌慌張張，拿著一個紅帖子往殿直跑，鍾馗叫住道：“是甚麼帖子，拿來俺看
。”那小沙彌遞將過來，鍾馗一看，上寫著是“年家眷侍教生獨我尊頓首拜”。鍾
馗道：“此人來拜誰？”小沙彌道：“我問他來，他說要拜後殿彌勒古佛。”鍾馗
笑道：“豈有此理！彌勒古佛豈是傳帖人拜得的麼。”小沙彌道：“老爺不信，他
如今就要進來，老爺不信，問他端的，便知其詳。”鍾馗於是閃在一旁等候。祇見
果有一人進來。鍾馗看時怎模樣，但見：
　　兩道揚眉，一雙瞪眼。兩道揚眉，幾生頭頂心邊﹔一雙瞪眼，竟在眉棱骨上。
談笑時，面上有天﹔交接處，眼底無物。手舞足蹈，恍然六合內任彼崢嶸。滿心快
意，儼然四海之外容他不下。戴一頂虱頭冠，居然是尊其瞻視。穿一件虼蚤皮，正
算的設其衣裳。兩個小童，不住的高呼大喝。一匹瘦馬，那裏肯慢走緩行。正是：
貓兒得意歡如虎，蟋蟀裝腔勝似龍。

　　原來此人一生好搗大，今日來此，原是要搗騙大和尚，不料正好撞著鍾馗。鍾
馗看他舉動，又看他裝束，勃然大怒，提起劍來劈面就砍，說道：“我把你這一字
不通、謅斷腸子的奴才，竟敢大膽欺人。”那人在一旁呵呵大笑，道：“你是那裏
來的野人，敢與俺作對？你且說俺如何不通，怎麼欺人？若說的是便罷，稍有不是
處，和你決不乾休。”鍾馗道：“且不要說你的衣冠僭佞，舉止輕狂。這尊彌勒古
佛是何等尊重，你就敢寫個年家眷侍教生帖拜他，豈不是不通文達理、謙恭自處麼
。”那人道：“你且不要佯憨。若說起俺的根由，祇怕有俺坐處，並沒你站處，這
彌勒古佛，俺當初與他同山修道，一洞誦經。後來他便做了西方尊者，俺便做了南
瞻部洲。上管天，下管地，其尊無二，掌天立地大將軍，三官大帝見了俺，尚稱晚
生。十殿閻君見了俺，自稱卑職。至於二十八宿、九曜星官以及四瀆、五嶽龍王等
眾，益發不敢正眼視俺。俺如今與他這個侍教生帖子，祇因他是個和尚，不好寫眷
第，且又下個教字，這還是謙而又謙，何為不通？何為欺人？”鍾馗聽了他許多荒
唐言語，也就定不住他是何等樣人，又恐怕他果有些本領，心中躊躇一會，祇得說
他道：“俺也不管你這些來歷，祇是無兵無將，俺若殺了你，顯的俺欺你孤身。你
且去領些兵來，和俺交鋒。”那人呵呵大笑，道：“也罷，也罷。俺且讓你，俺再
來拿你不遲。”說畢，竟腳不踏地，從半空中去了。

　　鍾馗對咸、富二神道：“看他這去法，祇怕他果有甚麼神通也未可知。”咸淵
道：“不然，其間有許多可疑處。”富曲道：“有何可疑處？”咸淵道：“他拜彌
勒古佛，彌勒古佛是一尊泥像，不能動容周旋，何用拜的？此其可疑者一也﹔他說
他是掌天立地大將軍，以人爵論，《縉紳》上，並無此等官爵，《幽怪錄》上亦無
此等神號。此其可疑者二也﹔他又說三官稱晚生，閻君稱卑職，其位可謂尊之極矣
，就該有儀衛侍從，獲法諸神，怎麼止一匹瘦馬、兩個小童而已。此其可疑者三也
。有此三疑，此人必有些難憑處。”鍾馗道：“司馬所見甚是。俺如今待要尋的他
去，將他斬了，又恐他果有些來歷，俺便干犯天條。待要不斬，又恐他將來作禍，
如之奈何？”咸淵道：“這也易處。俺如今扮作草澤醫人，前去訪問，必有人知他
根由。訪問的實，誅他未遲。”鍾馗道：“有理，有理。”咸淵於是戴了一頂高頭
方巾，穿了一件水合道袍，束了一條黃絲絛子，換了兩隻豬嘴鞋兒，肩上背了藥囊
，手中拿了虎撐，別了鍾馗，信步而去。走數里遠近，祇見前面一溪流水，數株垂
楊，下邊一座小橋，橋上砌著石欄，著實清雅。怎見得，有詩為證：
　　清水無塵映夕陽，東風拖出柳絲長。
　　閑來獨向橋頭坐，不羨兒家彩漆床。

　　這咸淵正走得困倦，遂在橋上坐下，消受些輕風飄逸綠水瀠洄的光景。忽有一
個白髮老者，走上橋來，將咸淵相了兩相，拱了拱手，道：“足下莫非善歧黃之術
麼？”咸淵道：“公公問俺怎麼？”那老者道：“老漢姓通名風，號仙根，就是這
村中人。今年七十一歲，並無子嗣，祇有一女。不知怎麼近日祇見發寒潮熱，自言
自語，倒像著了魔的。敢屈先生一診，何如？”這咸淵正要問他消息，遂滿口應吮
，隨著通風一步一步走入村來。但見：
　　幾間茅屋，一帶土牆。扇車旁，金雞覓粒。崖頭上，白犬看門。南瓜葫蘆，竟
當作銅爐擺設。棗牌
　　谷穗，權存作古畫遮牆。牛圈裏，兩個鈴鐺鳴徹夜。樹林中，幾群鳥鴉鬧斜陽
。還有那村姬面黑偏
　　搽粉，老婦頭蓬愛戴花。

　　那通風將咸淵引到他女兒房中，咸淵也不暇看他女兒容貌，祇顧低著頭假診脈
息。診了一會，假說道：“令愛果有些邪氣，藥也無益。現今你這裏有個掌天立地
大將軍，神通廣大，何不請他來遣遣妖氣，何煩俺醫人調理？”通風道：“俺這裏
並無甚麼掌天立地大將軍，先生莫非記錯了？”咸淵道：“俺親眼見過，怎錯記了
。”通風道：“見他模樣怎生？怎生打扮，說來俺聽。”咸淵遂將如何拜佛，如何
面貌，如何穿戴，一一說了。通風笑道：“原來是此搗大鬼。”咸淵道：“怎麼是
搗大鬼？”通風道：“此人名為搗大鬼，他就是孟子所說的那個齊人的後代。他也
有妻有妾，因他妻子看破了他的行藏，不以良人待他，他就棄了妻，帶了妾，來到
俺這裏。初來時，憑著他那搗大的伎倆，致使人人尊重，個個仰扳，後漸漸露出本
像。所以俺這村中人如今都不理他，他又到遠處地方，嚇斥過往的客人，或騙些財
物或誆圖些酒食。是你們正氣，不曾入他圈套，他何嘗是甚麼大將軍！”咸淵道：
“他既是這等樣，他戴的紫金冠，穿的白花袍，一定有個話說了。”通風道：“他
那穿戴，說來一發可笑。前者敝村賽社，要扮三關戰呂布的故事，向戲班賃了些衣
服。及至賽完，要還戲班，中不見了這頂紫金冠。明知是他匿起，他抵死不肯承認
，祇得社內賠了。他瞞過敝村，便戴在頭上搗大。那一件白花袍，是他前日纔向俺
當鋪裏借去的，今日正要去討。但不知他那匹瘦腰馬、兩小童又是何處騙來的？他
祇在搗大，不想他那妾，今早在家已是餓死了。”

　　咸淵聽了這一席話，已明白了那搗大鬼的底細，遂對通風道：“老人家，俺對
你實說了吧，這搗大鬼往稀奇寺拜彌勒古佛時，寺中正有一位鍾老爺是奉命斬鬼的
，俺就是鍾老爺的輔佐。鍾老爺見他輕狂，就要斬他，被他一篇大話脫身去了，俺
如今還要斬他去。老人家，你既知他的伎倆，便求你授俺個破他的法子。”通風道
：“破他的法子就要在他身上取。他搗大怪了，決不肯善罷，定要糾合些伙伴來與
鍾馗老爺作敵。等你交鋒之際，老漢去站在高處，高聲報與他妾死之信，就問他索
討那件衣服，將他根子拋出來，他自然氣餒，你們擒他便不難了。不是老漢刻薄，
實欲為敝村除此一害。”咸淵聽了大喜。於是背了藥囊，拿了虎撐，別了通風，又
叮囑道：“臨時務必早來。”一頭走，一頭笑，直笑進稀奇寺來。鍾馗道：“為何
這等大笑？想是探的事情明白了麼。”咸淵笑著說道：“待小將細稟。”於是將怎
麼遇著通風，怎麼看病，怎麼說起搗大鬼，怎麼匿起紫金冠，怎麼借衣服，細細說
了一遍。鍾馗與富曲都忍笑不住。

　　正在笑說之際，那搗大鬼引著一伙鬼兵，踊躍而來，在寺前叫罵。鍾馗聞之大
怒，出了寺門，排開陣勢。左有咸淵，右有富曲，並立旗門之下。鍾馗伏劍喝道：
“那來者莫非搗大鬼乎？”搗大鬼聞言吃了一驚，暗暗的道：“他怎麼也知俺的大
號。”祇因勉強答道：“此不過是孤家一混名，何勞汝稱。汝有甚本事，敢與孤家
大戰三百合。”鍾馗並不回答，摧開白澤，舞著寶劍，飛也似殺將過來。那搗大鬼
使一口遮天暈日刀接住。兩個一來一往，戰夠五十回合，不分勝負。

　　搗大鬼正在酣戰之際，忽聽高聲大叫，道：“搗大鬼，你借的俺當舖裏白花袍
一件，這幾日還不還俺，卻穿著在此廝殺，快些脫下來吧。”搗大鬼聞言，知是通
風老人，佯裝不理，與鍾馗又戰，這通風又叫道：“搗大鬼，這衣服事小，有一個
兇信報你知道，你家如夫人今早已餓死了。等你去騙個棺木裝他。”那搗大鬼見把
他履歷一一都被通風念出，便不覺的骨軟筋麻，口呆目瞪，早有富曲一騎馬刺斜裏
飛來，搗大鬼措手不及，被富曲活捉去了。眾鬼兵一哄而散。通風見拿了搗大鬼，
欣然而去。鍾馗得勝回寺。富曲縛過搗大鬼來，鍾馗道：“你今被俺拿住，又有何
說？”搗大鬼道：“不過是俺娘娘駕崩了，老爺心上悶鬱，被你拿住。”鍾馗道：
“俺體上帝好生之心，不忍殺你。”於是將他眼睛用劍剜去，竟生吃了。命松了綁
，推出寺門，饒他去罷。那搗大鬼得了命，祇得瞎摸瞎揣得去了。原來他還有兩個
結義兄弟，一個喚做挖渣鬼，一個喚做寒磣鬼，自幼與他情投意合，聲氣相符。當
日挖渣鬼同寒磣鬼正在一塊不老石上坐著，閑談些捉風捕影的話，忽見搗大鬼摸揣
將來，驚問道：“兄長為何如此光景？”搗大鬼聽著是他二人聲音，說道：“不消
提起，你老哥終日家搗大，今日搗披了。遇著甚麼鍾馗，將俺拿住，把眼珠竟剜的
吃了。虧你老哥有些本事，還不曾被他殺掉。二位賢弟何不與兄報仇。”隨又長嘆
了一聲，說道：“俺面上少了兩隻眼睛，家下又死了你家嫂子，教俺有家難奔，有
國難投。”說到傷心之處，三人共哭，流下四行淚來。挖渣鬼道：“俺三人結義以
來，無論天地鬼神，宰相官員，也都要看照俺幾分。甚麼鍾馗，敢這樣欺心膽大。
兄長不消怕他，要的俺兄弟做甚？他要打就和他打，他要告就和他告。騷羊胡吃柳
葉，俺就不信這羊會上樹。”寒磣鬼道：“二哥說的是，你兄弟也有些本事，怕他
怎的？俺們如今就點起兵來，圍住稀奇寺，殺他個寸草不留，纔教他知俺兄弟們手
段。”這搗大鬼聽見他二人出力，又壯起膽來，真個調些鬼兵，殺將稀奇寺來。怎
見他三人兵勢：
　　三聲紙炮震地，一股磣氣沖天。裹足旗、圍裙旗，迎風飄蕩，剃頭刀、割腳刀
，耀日光輝。挖渣鬼
　　頭戴著紫絨冠，盡他得意。寒磣鬼腳踏著羅圈鐙，自覺威風。中軍帳沒眼睛，
還要掖著兵書。正
　　是：稀奇寺前排戰場，彌勒堂中有結果。
　　且說鍾馗正與咸、富二神笑說搗大鬼故事，祇見小和尚兩腳如飛跑來報道：“
老爺，不好了，禍事、禍事。”鍾馗道：“有何禍事？”小和尚道：“搗大鬼又調
了兩個兄弟，說是甚麼挖渣鬼和寒磣鬼，領著許多兵來，將寺圍的鐵桶相似，怎麼
是好？”鍾馗怒道：“俺到饒他，他反來尋俺。”手提寶劍，便要出去。咸淵向前
止住，道：“主公不必動怒。俺想此鬼雖然剜去眼睛，究竟廉恥未喪。待小神前去
勸諭一番，教他改過自新，也是消魔一法。”鍾馗道：“也罷，你試走一遭，待他
不改時，俺再斬他。”咸淵於是上馬出寺，高叫：“搗大鬼上前答話。”

　　祇見一人飛馬上前，頭戴絨巾冠，身穿短服，手中拿著一杆白錫槍，來與咸淵

見陣。你道是誰？乃挖渣鬼也。向咸淵道：“俺與你往日無冤，近日無仇，因甚將
俺兄長眼睛剜了？俺今日與你見個你死我活。”舉槍就刺。咸淵架住道：“俺且與
你講正話。大凡人生在世，全以忠信廉恥為重。聖人云‘人而無信，不知其可也。
’孟子又云：‘恥之於人，大矣。不恥，不若人，何若人？’你們這伙人，通無仁
義廉恥，搗大的搗大，挖渣的挖渣，寒磣的寒磣，在你們以為得意，在人者來看實
厭棄。稍有廉恥者，即當羞死，尚敢揚眉瞪眼，白晝欺人耶。”祇見挖渣鬼全無羞
愧，反哈哈大笑，道：“汝欲學孔明罵王朗耶？古人云：識時務者呼為俊傑。你教
俺老實守分，誰來揪採。像俺這等搶渣起來，呵豚的，他也肯呵豚，嗅屁的，他也
肯嗅屁。你們雖養高自重，見了俺吃的，祇怕香得你鼻孔流油，見了俺穿的，祇怕
看的你眼中流血，見了俺使的，祇怕想的你心上生瘡。俺們如何體統？你就敢來大
膽欺心。”這一席話說的咸淵牙癢難當，祇得敗下陣來。鍾馗道：“為何司馬一去
便回？”“不知怎麼，他那裏說話，我這裏就牙癢起來，實是難當。”富曲道：“
諒此輩非言詞可下，還是相戰一番，方見高低。”鍾馗道：“先鋒之言是也，就勞
一往。”這富曲結束整齊，提刀上馬，領兵而去。

　　且說挖渣鬼得意回陣，愈覺威風，向寒磣鬼誇張。寒磣鬼道：“待他來時，俺
也替大哥出出力。”正在矜誇之際，鬼兵來報，道：“外面有一將來了。”這寒磣
鬼聽了，戴了一頂燈盞高盔，穿了付扎花鎧甲，拿了一把割腳短刀，沖出陣來。富
曲問道：“來者莫非是挖渣鬼？”寒磣鬼道：“你真有眼無珠，就不看俺穿的甚麼
東西，拿的甚麼物件。且不論俺的武藝高強，人才出眾，這頂盔是通身貼金的，這
副甲是南京清水扎花的，這雙靴是真正股子皮造的，這口刀是折鐵點鋼細磨的，這
匹馬是五十兩細絲銀子買的，你有甚本事，敢和你寒磣老爺對敵。”話猶未了，祇
見富曲跌下馬來。眾陰兵急救回寺。鍾馗道：“先鋒為何落馬？”富曲道：“奇怪
的緊，他正在浪誇之際，不知怎的將俺的筋裂的生疼，就不覺跌下馬來。”鍾馗道
：“你們不濟，還是俺親自出去。”於是提了寶劍，跨上白澤，到了陣前，高聲索
戰。

　　且說搗大鬼道：“二位賢弟俱有功勞，俺不免出去，再和那鍾馗殺一陣如何？
”二鬼齊聲道：“兄長已被他剜去眼睛，如何交戰？”搗大鬼道：“不妨、不妨。
這叫做剜了眼睛不算瞎。”二鬼攔不住，祇得放他出去。鍾馗見是搗大鬼出來，說
道：“你已是被俺剜了眼睛，怎麼還要來瞎搗。”搗大鬼道：“孤家祇因娘娘駕崩
了，一時心緒不寧，被你拿住。今調了兩個御弟，率領大將千員，雄兵百萬，尚何
懼你？你若早早回去，是你的造化，若說半個不字，俺速令四大天神，將你拿住，
發在閻君那裏，教你滿世不得人身。方纔說著，鍾馗不覺一陣惡心，幾乎吐了，祇
得扶病而回。咸、富二人躊躇道：“我們牙癢的牙癢，裂筋的裂筋，惡心的惡心，
倘他殺進寺來，如何抵敵？”正躊躇間，祇見一個胖大和尚走進寺來，怎生模樣？
但見：
　　一個光頭，兩隻肥足。一個光頭，出娘胎並未束髮。兩隻肥足，自長大從不穿
鞋。吃飯時，張
　　開大口，真個像個紅門。哂笑處，瞇縫細眼，端的賽兩勾新月。肚腹朝天，膨
膨脹脹，足可以撐船
　　蕩槳。布袋拖地，圪圪瘩瘩，都是些燒餅乾糧。正是：任你富貴賢愚輩，盡在
呵呵一笑中。

　　這和尚笑嘻嘻走進門來，向眾神道：“你們為何這等狼狽？”鍾馗道：“禪師
有所不知，如今寺前來了三個鬼，與俺對敵，弄得俺三人一個牙癢，一個筋疼，一
個惡心，無法勝他。”和尚道：“如此，待俺出去，三位隨俺來，看俺制他。”於
是同出寺門，和尚對他兵卒道：“叫你家頭目們出來見我。”那鬼兵連忙逃進營去
，稟道：“鍾馗又調了一個胖大和尚來了，要與三位大王見話。”這三個鬼道：“
是甚麼胖和尚敢來見俺，俺們正喜的足肥的。”遂洋洋得意而出，向和尚道：“你
是何處野僧，敢來與俺們見話。”這和尚並不理他，祇當不曾聽見一般。他們見如
此模樣，拿搶就刺，用刀便砍。

　　祇見這和尚笑了一笑，張開大口，囫圇一聲，竟將三個鬼咽下肚去了。鍾馗驚
訝道：“禪師何以有此神通。”和尚道：“你們不知，此等人與他講不得道理，論
不得高低，祇以大肚皮裝了就是，何必與他一般見識。”鍾馗道：“便是這等說，
裝在肚裏，未免渣磣難當。”和尚道：“貧僧自有處治。”不多時候，祇見這和尚
出了一個大恭，三個鬼化作一堆臭屎屙了。屙畢，化陣清風而去。鍾馗道：“奇哉
，奇哉，怎麼一瞬就不見了，莫非佛祖來助俺麼？”咸淵道：“是了，是了，後殿
彌勒古佛，正是這模樣。”於是一齊到後殿，拜謝去了。有兩句話道的好：
　　三個邪魔，生前作盡千般態，
　　一堆臭屎，死後不值半文錢。
　　不知後來又有何鬼，再看下回分解。

第三回 咸司馬計救賽西施　富先鋒箭射涎臉鬼

　　詩曰
　　花簾入影日正長，閑評人事費商量。
　　英雄既短豪梁氣，冒失還疏訓誡方。
　　不斷多情綿似帶，自乾自面厚如牆。
　　劍鋒不惜誅邪手，纔覺青天分外光。
　　話說鍾馗拜謝了彌勒古佛，回至方丈，就要收拾行李起程。那知客再三款留，
說
道：“老爺到此，貧僧並無點水之情，今日聊備小齋，少伸寸敬。”鍾馗與二神祇
得坐下，等了半日，方纔放下桌兒，又等了半日，方纔托上茶來。看看待至日落時
候，又纔托上幾碗菜來，急的這知客不住的往來催督，鍾馗不覺勃然大怒，道：“
汝既留俺，為何這等怠慢？”知客道：“告老爺得知，就是那前日所言的新來火頭
懶惰，每日睡至日出三竿，每夜磨至三更以後。至於出言行走，都是丟油撒水，就
像害癆病一般，所以把齋饌遲誤。望老爺寬恕。”鍾馗道：“叫他來，俺看是怎麼
一個火頭。”那知客喚了半日，那火頭纔慢條斯理的走將進來。眾神舉目觀看，怎
麼模樣，但見：
　　垂眉落眼，少氣無神。開言處，口如三緘，舉步時，足有千斤。虎沒前來，量
不肯大驚小怪，賊如後至，又豈能疾走忙行。心和氣平，好似養成君子﹔手操足並
，真如得道天尊。正是：出髓玉莖堪作弟，傾糧布袋可為兄。

　　鍾馗看見，便按劍大怒道：“汝是何方人氏？從實說來，免汝一死。”那火頭
不慌不忙，上氣不接下氣，說道：“念小鬼原非人類，本是冤魂。祇因那年做些買
賣，要趕程頭，不想眾人性急，都老早去了。俺起來時，已是紅日半天，祇得獨自
前往。誰想路途遙遠，直走到黑。忽然遇見一個皮臉鬼賊，將俺的行李盡數奪去。
俺正要趕去，又被一條淹蛇將俺纏住，纏得俺少氣無力，不覺死去。指望告訴閻君
，不料走到陰司，閻君又退殿了，祇得權在這寺中圖些嘴腹。此是實情。”這幾句
話說了半日，方纔說完。鍾馗道：“俺待要殺了你，你又無惡。待要不殺，實實惱
人。”正在沉吟之際，一人突然進來，將溫屍鬼撞了一跌，也不管上下，也不分南
北，坐在上面，舉箸就吃。眾神見了，俱吃一驚，看鍾馗道：“據汝說來，莫非是
溫屍鬼麼？”火頭道：“正是。”他怎生模樣：
　　本非傲物，恰像欺人。有話便談，那裏管尊卑上下，見酒就飲，並不識揖讓溫
恭。東溝犁，西溝耙，說將來全無根據。做事前不遮後，管甚周詳。一任性子闖下
禍，方纔破膽﹔三分粗氣弄出殃，始覺寒心。正是：但知天下無難事，不信乾坤有
細人。

　　你道此人是誰，原來就是簿子上邊所記的冒失鬼是也。當下冒失鬼坐在上面自
吃自飲，這鍾馗看的大怒，道：“這人來的這等冒失，俺有個法子在此。”眾人道
：“有何妙法？”鍾馗道：“他二人溫屍的溫屍，冒失的冒失，俺將他兩個平處一
番，叫他溫屍雜上一半冒失，冒失攪上一半溫屍，也是個損多益寡之法。”咸、富
兩神道：“主意固好，祇是怎麼平處的來？”鍾馗道：“不難，不難。”拔劍來將
兩個鬼一劍一個劈成四半，再合自然易成。祇見兩個鬼，溫屍的也不溫屍，冒失的
也不冒失了，竟成一對中行君子。眾人無不歡喜，都言鍾馗有為天造化之手。祇是
把寺中和尚唬得咬指，以為神人出世。二鬼拜謝而去。眾僧愈加恭敬，又留住一宵
。

　　次日，整肅陰兵，跟定蝙蝠，作別了眾僧，往前再走，走夠多時，祇見通風老
人坐在那裏嘆氣，見鍾馗眾神大喜，道：“老爺們請到寒舍獻茶。”鍾馗道：“老
者何人？”咸淵道：“此即通風老人也。前日擒搗大鬼全憑他。今日因何在此納悶
？”通風道：“一言難盡。自從誅了搗大鬼之後，祇當老爺們駕已行了，絕無相會
之日。不想今又得相遇，實是三生有幸！”咸淵道：“你不知搗大鬼又調了兩個兄
弟，十分厲害，和他戰幾場不能取勝。幸遇彌勒古佛，一口吞下腹中，方纔罷手，
所以耽誤了許多日期。但不知你女兒比從前好些麼？”通風道：“說來話長，請到
寒舍細講。”於是眾神跟著通風走入草堂裏去，祇見親友慶賀壽幛一副，文理半通
，下邊放著一張珠紅小桌，漆皮已去了一半。牆邊都是囤，則囤著茭子、黑豆。門
背後放著些農器，無非是柯、杈、杷。看了一回，鍾馗坐在上面，咸、富二神坐在
兩旁，通風下面陪坐，其餘陰兵將營扎在村外。

　　須臾，吃了茶，咸淵又問起通風女兒之事，通風道：“自從老爺去後，一日不
甚一日，看看待死，老漢再三盤問，小女方纔說，果有個鬼魔纏繞。問他根由，原
來有個無恥山、寡廉洞，洞中有個鬼王，叫做涎臉大王。那涎臉大王有四個徒弟，
一個叫做齷齪鬼，他專會吃人，真有毛不拔之本事。一個叫做仔細鬼，任他賊打火
燒，他總不肯舍半文錢，這兩個好生厲害。還有一個急賴鬼，無甚本事，祇憑急賴
。又有一個綿長鬼，那綿纏鬼就是纏小女的鬼魅。他這四個鬼領了涎臉大王的教訓
，益發如虎添翼。如今這綿纏鬼將女兒纏的九死一生。老漢無兒，止有此女，倘若
纏死了，俺老夫妻兩個叫何人送終？”說道傷心之處，淚如雨下。鍾馗道：“你女
兒教甚名字？”通風道：“小女叫賽西施，祇因生的有些姿色，與西施相似，所以
取此二字。吳國西施住在西湖苧蘿，得水之精而生，我女兒住在這裏，得山之秀而
生。山水雖別，靈氣卻同，所以叫做賽西施。老漢見他生的嬌媚，愛如掌上明珠。
那日敝村賽社，扮些三官戰呂布的故事，小女出去看看，不想被此鬼看見，就纏上
了。專望老爺搭救。”說著跪在地下。鍾馗道：“斬鬼是俺的本分，不必如此。你
且引我看看你女兒動靜，方好行事。”

　　通風於是起來，引著鍾馗進了臥房，將他女兒一看，果然生的十分標致。但見
：
　　眉如新月，縱新月那裏有這般纖細？眼如秋水，即秋水也沒有這樣澄清。臉賽
桃花，便桃花猶嫌色重。腰同楊柳，就楊柳還覺輕狂。祇可惜生在荒村，一顆明珠
暗投瓦礫。若叫他長於金屋，千般粉黛難比嬌嬈。蹙蹙眉尖，真是捧心西子﹔懨懨
愁態，還如出塞王嬙。便是那：
　　王維妙手猶難寫，況我老拙無才怎便描。
　　鍾馗看了他女兒，心下想：“怪不道鬼纏他，真個生的標致。”因問通風道：
“那鬼甚時候來？”通風道：“但到夜他就來了。”鍾馗道：“這等，你備些酒來
，俺們就在你女兒外間等他。”那通風欣然整辦去了。須臾酒至，鍾馗與咸、富二
神就都在外間飲酒閑談。果然到更深時候，簾外一陣陰風，那鬼來了。有詩一首，
道此鬼形狀：
　　不是風流不是仙，情如深水性如綿。
　　若非涎臉習學久，怎的逢人歪死纏。
　　且說這綿纏鬼跨進門來，見有人在，撒身便走。富曲隨後趕來，舉刀便砍。那
鬼吃了一驚，閃過身子，隨手將一條紅絲繡帶望空一擲，說是遲，那時快，竟將富
曲纏住。鍾馗看著大怒，道：“小小鬼頭，就敢弄此纏人之術。”提著寶劍趕上前
來。那綿纏鬼空手無措，祇得打了一個筋斗去了。鍾馗割斷繡帶，放開富曲，向通
風道：“料此鬼今晚必不來了。”通風道：“不然，老漢也曾毀罵他，他領了涎臉
大王的教訓，祇管歪纏，並沒廉恥。老爺不信，倒怕轉刻即來也。”話猶未了，祇
見綿纏鬼果然拿著一條死蛇又來纏繞。鍾馗提劍迎上前就砍。綿纏鬼就將那條死蛇
當了兵器，祇管左右盤施，遮架寶劍。不提防被他擲起死蛇，又將鍾馗纏住。富曲
慌忙上前砍他，他又是一個斤頭跑了。富曲將纏住鍾馗的死蛇割斷，擲於地下。那
綿纏鬼又來了，富曲祇得又與他交戰，竟如此纏了半日有餘。或拿活蛇來纏，或拿
死蛇來纏，急的鍾馗暴跳如雷，咸淵道：“俺想出一條妙計來了：與其他纏俺，不
如俺纏他。”鍾馗道：“他滑溜如油，怎麼纏的他住？”咸淵道：“不難，不難！
俺這條計叫做以逸待勞之計，還要用通風的女兒。”通風道：“如何要用小女？”
咸淵向眾人附耳低言道﹔“必須如此如此。”鍾馗聽了大喜，道：“還是司馬見識
廣大，雖孫、吳復生，亦不可及也。”通風於是將此計合與媽媽，媽媽轉說與賽西
施，賽西施道：“羞羞答答，怎麼做出來？”媽媽道：“兒呀，但得性命，那怕害
羞。”賽西施祇得含羞應允。通風出來回復了鍾馗，鍾馗與咸、富二神同通風藏在
後面，閑談飲酒不題。
　　
　　且說那綿纏鬼到了晚間，悄悄的前來。見靜悄悄無人，心中想道：“想是去了
。”看房中時，燈花半明半滅，聽時，微微有嘆息之聲。這綿纏鬼遂大著膽子走進
房中，問賽西施道：“你家鳥鍾馗何處去了？”賽西施道：“因戰你不過，今日去
了。你一向不進房來，叫奴家終日盼望。”綿纏鬼道：“我恨不得寸步不離你，祇
因他們在，不得進來。”於是雙手摟住就要求歡，賽西施道：“你且休要性急，奴
家因你交歡不久，不能滿奴之意。如今想出一個法兒來，做下一條白綾帶兒，勒在
那個根下，自然耐久。待奴取出來，和你試試如何？”把個綿纏鬼喜的心花都開了
，親了一個嘴，道：“誰知親親這等愛我？”賽西施遂將帶子取出來，綿纏鬼連忙
將褲子解開，賽西施連忙將帶兒套上，盡力一束，綿纏鬼道：“慢些、慢些，勒的
生疼。”賽西施道：“越緊越好。”又盡力一束，打個死結。看綿纏鬼已是疼的發
昏，不能脫去，遂高聲叫道：“綿纏鬼已被我纏住了。爺爺們快來！”鍾馗等聽見
，便擁出來，把綿纏鬼斬了。富曲拍手大笑，咸淵道：“你笑甚麼？”富曲指著通
風道：“我笑他家專會捉人根子。那搗大鬼被他拋出根子來，這綿纏鬼又被他女兒
捉住根子，怎麼你父子二人這等會尋人根子？”通風笑道：“你不知俺一家老實，
不會找俏做事。但凡事都要從根子上做起來。”說的眾人大笑。這裏通風整備酒席
，款待鍾馗等不題。

　　且說那涎臉鬼在無恥山寡廉洞中為王，身邊有個軍師，見識精詳，施為妥當，
人因此起他個混名，叫做伶俐鬼。這伶俐鬼和涎臉鬼閑談，涎臉鬼道：“連日不知
怎麼，不見綿纏鬼來。”伶俐鬼道：“不消說起他們。自從得了大王法兒，各人祇
顧各人，何嘗孝敬你來？那齷齪鬼倒要粘你的皮去，仔細鬼不肯舍他的半文錢。至
於急賴鬼，無事不急賴，綿纏鬼，無日不綿纏，他們不來是你的造化。想念他們怎
麼？”涎臉鬼道：“你說他們討俺的便宜，難道俺就不能討他們的便宜？俺拿上這
副涎臉尋上門去，任他齷齪、仔細、急賴、綿纏，定要尋他些油水。今日便閑暇無
事，你權管山洞，待我先尋綿纏鬼一回，有何不可。”伶俐鬼道：“任憑尊便。”
那涎臉鬼隨了他那副涎臉出了寡廉洞，下了無恥山，前面還有一道唾沫河，過的河
來，遠遠望見一座破廟，廟旁蓋一座茶庵，齋題上寫著四個大字，是“施茶結緣”
，這涎臉鬼再看那破廟時，十分狼狽。怎見得：
　　穿廊塌倒殿宇歪斜。把門小鬼半個頭，他還揚眉怒目。值殿判官沒了腳，依然
是拏肚撐拳。丹墀下，青蒿滿眼，牆頭上，黃鼠窺人。大門無匾，辨不出廟宇尊名
，聖像少冠，猜不著神靈封號。香爐中滿堆上梁上漏土，供桌上，卻少了案前花斗
。多應是懶惰高僧，不男不女閑混帳，辜負了善心檀越東奔西走費經營。正是：若
教此廟重新蓋，未必人來寫疏頭。

　　涎臉鬼走上茶庵，祇見兩個閑漢在那裏搗喇，這涎臉鬼也坐在凳上，施茶和尚
托出三盞茶來，一個問道：“你這茶庵鄰著這座古廟，晚間就不怕鬼麼？”和尚道
：“怎麼不怕？祇是關了門，不理他也就罷了。”旁邊人道：“你們又說鬼呢，俺
那村通風老兒家一個女兒，生的千嬌百媚，教一個甚麼綿纏鬼纏住，纏的看看待死
。也是他命不該絕，忽然來了一個鍾馗，領著許多兵將，端端尋著斬鬼。昨晚竟將
這綿纏鬼斬了。”涎臉鬼聽了此言，暗吃了一驚：“怪道他許多時不來。”問那人
道：“老兄這話可是真麼？”那人道：“怎麼不真？我在他隔壁住，親眼見的。”
這涎臉鬼聽得，便忙似喪家之犬，急急若漏網之魚，跑回山來。

　　伶俐鬼接著道：“為何這等氣色不善？”涎臉鬼道：“俺聞一樁可慮之事，回
來和你商議。”伶俐鬼道：“有甚麼可慮之事？”涎臉鬼遂將那個人的話述了一遍
，道：“既說端端斬鬼，咱們都有些鬼號，萬一尋將來，如之奈如？不如俺們先下
手為強。”伶俐鬼道：“非也，他是過路到此，必不久住。俺們且關了洞門，躲避
幾日。待他過去了，再揚眉吐氣不遲。古人云：知彼知己，百戰百勝。此是兵家要
訣，不可造次胡行。”涎臉鬼道：“我的意思，一者與綿纏鬼徒弟報仇，二者滅了
他以絕後患。怎麼你總是這等說，豈不是長他威風，滅自己銳氣乎！”於是將伶俐
鬼洋洋不採，竟轉入後洞去了。這伶俐鬼滿面沒趣，嘆口氣道：“向日投了楞睜大
王，指望成些大事，不想楞裏楞睜不足與有為。今番來到這裏，見他臉皮甚壯，可
與共事，不想又是有勇無謀之輩，除了厚臉，別無可取。眼見的禍緣林木，殃及魚
池也。古人云：良禽擇木而棲，賢臣擇主而事。我聞的風流鬼為人倜儻，俺不免棄
此去彼便了。”於是收拾行李，悄悄出了寡廉洞，竟投風流鬼去了，按下不題。

　　且說鍾馗飲酒中間，說起綿纏鬼的師傅乃是涎臉鬼，鍾馗道：“俺務必也斬了
他纔好。但不知那無恥山在何處？”通風道：“想必也不遠，我們慢慢訪問。”說
話間，祇見蝙蝠早已飛起，鍾馗喜道：“兀的不是向導去了。”遂起來別了通風，
與咸、富二神率領陰兵，隨著蝙蝠往前競走，中間一條大河攔路，但見：
　　青泡遍起，白浪頻翻。青泡遍起，依稀好似蘑菇﹔白浪頻翻，仿佛猶如海蜇。
峽口由於唇吻，源頭出自丹田。渾波濁器不煎茗，黏水粘船難渡客。這壁廂足跡滿
岸，恍惚聞足踢之聲﹔那壁廂指影盈堤，儼然睹拳搖之狀。就隱士文人也定有幾點
唾添，還說些寡廉無恥的字樣。若凡夫俗子竟舍得滿團益上，猶帶著賠嫁伴娘的言
詞。正是：
　　要知如此真來歷，盡在攢眉切齒中。

　　鍾馗喚土人問，土人道：“此河名為唾沫河。從前本無此河，祇因這無恥山寡
廉洞裏出了一個涎臉大王，惹得人人唾罵，唾罵積聚多了，遂流成這道大河。河面
雖寬，其實不深，老爺祇管放心過去。”鍾馗聽了大喜，發付土人去了。過了唾沫
河，前面就是無恥山。你道此山如何布置：
　　不誠石壘堆滿地，沒羞巖高聳雲天。冥耳攢蹄，換打虎峰巒偃臥﹔張牙舞爪，
脫水狼溝壑間行。鬼眼松沿坡遍長，不清柏滿麓齊栽。可惜洞縱多廉，避鬼魅於焉
遠去：山原有恥，畏涎臉不敢前來。

　　鍾馗領著陰兵，上了無恥山，圍了寡廉洞，高聲叫罵。山鬼報人後洞來，那涎
臉鬼大怒道：“俺正欲滅他，他來的正好。”於是戴了一頂牛皮盔，穿了一領樺皮
甲，拿了一口兩刃刀，走出洞來，罵道：“你這個醜鬼，將俺徒弟殺了，俺正要報
仇雪恨，你怎麼這等大膽，還要尋上門來。”鍾馗道：“俺奉唐天子之命，端端殺
汝等，怎麼不來。”說畢，舞劍便砍，正砍在他臉上，祇見他毫無驚懼，並不損傷
。鍾馗道：“好壯臉也。”涎臉鬼道：“不敢自誇，將就看得過，任你刀劈、箭射
、靴頭踢，總不心煩。”富曲聽的，上前道：“主公退後，待俺使箭射他。”涎臉
鬼道：“咱家站定憑你射來，祇等射丟了，你便罷。”這富曲自恃著百步穿楊的手
段，兜滿雕弓，一箭正射到他臉上。眾陰兵齊聲喝採，以為就射死了。不想他分毫
不動，竟像不曾射著的一般。富曲大怒，又射一箭，又射到臉上，他又分毫不動。
一連射了數十箭，他祇是不動，且箭都落到地下。富曲道：“奇哉，奇哉。昔日，
雷萬春帶一矢而不動，人以為難，不料此鬼經數十箭，不惟射不透臉，就如莫射一
般，真從古未有之臉也。”鍾馗氣的暴跳如雷，又上前去照臉亂砍，竟如剁肉餡的
一般，剁了個不亦樂乎。那臉並不曾紅的一紅。鍾馗見他不動，站在白澤脊梁上，
依他不怕踢的話，用油靴踢他。足足踢了一百油靴，祇覺平常。鍾馗也由不得笑了
，問道：“你這臉端的是何處來的？這等堅硬。”涎臉鬼笑道：“若說起俺這臉來
，卻也有原有委。當日家師婁師德，傳俺一個唾面自乾的法兒，俺想此不過祇要臉
厚罷了，因此俺就造了一副鐵臉，用布裹了，漆了，猶恐不甚堅牢，又將樺皮貼了
幾千層，所以甚也不怕。俺這一領樺皮甲就是貼臉剩下的樺皮做的，前日俺一時乏
用，將臉當在當鋪中，後來贖出去。不想他當鋪中當下許多厚臉，辯不出那個是俺
的。俺眉頭一蹙，計上心來，對他說道：‘你祇在石頭上狠剁，剁不破的就是俺的
’。他依俺編排，將眾臉齊剁，那些臉都剁破了，惟有俺這副臉再剁不破。俺有如
此厚臉，實是無價之寶，豈懼汝等這些尋常兵器乎。”鍾馗聽了，顧富曲道：“似
此，當如之奈何？”祇得敗回陣來，掛了免戰牌。那涎臉鬼竟得勝回洞去了。

　　鍾馗對咸、富二神道：“如此厚臉，怎生破他？”富曲道：“看他本領卻也有
限，祇是這副厚臉難當。怎麼設法兒誘的他那副厚臉到手，便不足畏矣！”咸淵想
了一會，道：“有個法兒。他所憑者那副厚臉，俺也照樣做他一副，比他的更造的
加厚些。明日陣前交換，他若肯換時，他那臉俺得了。”鍾馗道：“不妙、不妙，
失了一副厚臉得了一副厚臉，究竟一般，有何益處？俺換將他的來，倒把俺也成了
一副涎臉。”咸淵道：“不妨，不妨。俺這副臉造時，卻要暗藏上一副良心。那良
心是與涎臉相反的，他換上時，那良心發現，自然把厚臉漸漸薄了。他既臉薄，咱
卻臉厚，所謂不戰而屈人之兵也。”鍾馗喜得拍掌道：“妙哉計也。此惟孫悟空能
之，諸葛武侯亦恐不及。”於是，依這法子造起臉來，先以生銅鑄就，中以鞋底鋪
墊，外用牛皮縵了幾層，又貼了幾千層樺皮，祇是少副良心。鍾馗問陰兵，要眾陰
兵道：“小的們知道良心拿到陽世間不中用，所以都不曾帶來，正有一個陰兵，名
喚潘有，他有一副良心。也不是陰間帶來的，是這邊一個有良心的人，見使用不上
，氣憤不過，撒別丟在街心，他拾得藏起。老爺祇問他要便了。”鍾馗遂叫進潘有
來要。潘有捨不得掏出來，再三祇說沒有。眾陰兵道：“他半路裏拾的一副良心還
要昧了，待小鬼們搜他。”眾陰兵將潘有按倒在地，渾身搜遍，纔從他脊背裏搜將
出來。鍾馗交造臉的，裝在臉中，看時比涎臉鬼的又厚一半。鍾馗大喜。

　　過了一晚，次早上陣，使陰兵前去叫罵，涎臉鬼帶了他那厚臉出來，道：“你
們昨日敗陣，今日怎麼又來納命，難道還不知道孤家厚臉？”鍾馗道：“你有臉，
俺就無臉？”於是將臉戴上，涎臉鬼吃了一驚，道：“怎麼他今日也有副厚臉？怪
道他又敢來見俺。”祇得高聲說道：“俺的臉你們昨日都領教過了，你的臉俺今日
也要領教領教。”鍾馗道：“從不吝教，祇管來領。”那涎臉鬼走上前來，兩隻腳
丁字站定，舉起兩刃刀照臉砍來。祇聽得圪屠一聲響，火星亂爆。再砍第二刀時，
那刀已卷刃了。涎臉鬼心中打算道：“這等看來，他的臉比俺的厚。俺若得了這副
臉，可以橫行天下。”遂高聲叫道：“你那臉到也算厚。你敢與俺相換嗎？”鍾馗
道：“怎麼不敢？”涎臉鬼心中暗喜，忙將臉取下來遞與鍾馗，鍾馗也將臉取下來
遞與涎臉鬼，這涎臉鬼欣喜的戴上。不多時，良心發動，看看將臉皮消的薄了，涎
臉鬼大驚道：“怎麼在他臉上厚，到俺臉上薄起來了？”再抹時，消的竟如紙一般
，想須臾現出一副良心，涎臉鬼不覺的滿面羞慚。鍾馗與富曲見他通紅的臉，知道
是良心發動了，遂向前弄刀砍他。那涎臉鬼招架不住，逃回洞中。他的小鬼稟道：
“大王如今羞得不敢見他們了，為今之計，祇有兩著，或齷齪鬼，或仔細鬼，大王
擇一處去投奔﹔養一養臉再來與他們伎俉。或行或止，大王快些定奪。”涎臉鬼道
：“罷！臉已丟了，還論甚麼行止！不如俺尋個自盡好。”於是，提出刀來，自刎
而死。這正是：
　　但得良心真發動，果然有臉不如無。
　　要知後事如何，且聽下回分解。

第四回 因齷齪同心訪奇士　為仔細彼此結冤家

　　詞曰
　　財如血，些兒出去，疼如裂。大難何膺？但憑胡說。究竟胡謅謅不著，忽然兩
地成吳越，鷸蚌相持，漁人自悅。

　　話說涎臉鬼自刎而死，小鬼們見沒了主人，祇得四散逃走，因商議道：“咱們
往何處去好？”一個道：“就是適纔所言，不是齷齪鬼處，就是仔細鬼家。”一個
道：“仔細鬼家遠，咱們到齷齪鬼家去罷。”於是一擁出了寡廉洞，卻從山後跑了
。一個個走的氣喘吁吁，方纔到了齷齪鬼門首。上前扣門，裏邊跑出一個小鬼來，
問道：“你們何處來的？我家主人有病不能相會。”眾鬼道：“你家主人是何病？
莫非推托麼？”那小鬼道：“豈有此理！我家主人害的是挾腦風。”眾小鬼道：
“若說別樣病症，我們不知。若這挾腦風，我們卻曉得個好方兒，立刻見效。”那
小鬼道：“是何方兒，你們且說說我聽。”眾小鬼道：“俺家主人當年也曾患此症
，請了一個師巫。那師巫敲起扇鼓，須臾請將柳盜跖來，將俺家主人頭打了二十四
棍，又教師巫灸了二十四個艾灸，登時就好了。”那小鬼道：“這是甚麼緣故？”
眾小鬼道：“你不知道麼！這叫作賊打火燒。”那小鬼道：“我當是正經話，原來
是鬼話。我問你們為甚要見俺主人？”眾小鬼道：“實和你說罷，如今不知那裏來
了一個鍾馗，又有一個司馬，一個將軍，領著數百陰兵，專斬天下邪鬼。昨天將俺
無恥山寡廉洞的涎臉大王滅了。俺們逃難而來，一者想要與俺大王報仇，二者就來
投靠你家主人。”那小鬼聽了，慌忙飛報進去。

　　且說齷齪鬼正在那裏想算，怎麼圖人家房產，怎麼霸佔人家地畝，祇見小鬼跑
到跟前，正長正短，如此如此，稟了一會，齷齪鬼不聽便罷，聽了此話，腦子裏一
齊亂響，魂已飛於天外了，三萬六千毛孔，一齊流汗，二十四個牙齒上下廝打。祇
得勉強扎住，吩咐小鬼道：“有這樣事？但他們既來投俺，俺少不得要管飯。每人
四十顆小米的稀粥，咸菜半根罷了。”吩咐畢，祇管走來走去，心下想道：“此事
必須與仔細鬼商量方妥。”又想道若請他來商量，未免又要費鈔，不免找尋他家裏
去，他自然要管待我，這叫豬八戒上陣，倒打一靶。

　　主意已定，遂走出門來，竟尋仔細鬼去了。走了幾步，忽然又想起一件事來。
你道又想起甚麼事？他想道路途遠，倘若出起恭來，可惜將一包屎丟了。不如回去
叫個狗跟上，以防意外之變。於是回來，又喚了一隻狗。走不多時，果然就要出恭
。齷齪鬼嘆道：“天下事與其失之事後，不可不慮之事前。聖人云：人無遠慮，必
有近憂。”真個出了一大恭，那狗果然吃了。正走中間，狗亦出起恭來。齷齪鬼看
著，氣的發昏，罵道：“不中用的畜生，叫你吃上，回家去屙在家裏糞堆上，怎麼
在這裏屙了。真正鼠肚雞腸，一包屎也存不住，要你何用？”看了看，待要棄了，
甚是可惜，待要拿上，無法可拿，祇見道旁有些草葉，忙去取來，將狗糞包裹住，
暗帶在身旁。這正是成家之子惜糞如金的出處。寫至此，忍不住要作詩贈他：
　　人屙之後狗偏屙，狗吃人屙人奈何？
　　料想人吞吞不得，也須包裹當饅饅。又詩一首：
　　齷齪之人屎偏多，自屙自吃不為過。
　　早知那狗不中用，寧可憋死也不屙。

　　按下齷齪鬼不題。且說那仔細鬼，他生來稟性慳吝，情甘淡泊。其時正在家中
看守財帛。聽的外邊有人叩門，祇得走將出來。見是齷齪鬼，少不得讓在家中坐下
，問道：“兄長何來？”齷齪鬼道：“無事不登三寶殿，今日有要緊話，特來商議
。”遂將無恥山寡廉洞小鬼投的根由說了一遍，道：“我想來，丟了性命倒是小事
，倘若他令兵卒來搶掠你我一生所積，豈不勞而無功？”仔細鬼道：“是呀，我們
不然把銀子打成棺材，他若來時，將咱裝在裏邊，連忙埋了，豈不是人財兩得，就
死也落的受用？”齷齪鬼道：“這個主意錯，這些財帛原是與子孫的，我們不過與
他看守。咱們隨去時，教他們何以過度？”仔細鬼道：“也說的是，但依你說該如
何？”齷齪鬼道：“須得個萬全之策方好。”兩個人想來想去，總沒個好法子。

　　看看想到半夜，餓的齷齪鬼口乾舌焦，祇的問仔細鬼道：“老弟，我們飢了。
我有帶來的一包狗糞，請你如何？”仔細鬼道：“老兄原來還未吃飯。祇是火已封
了，怎生處？”又低頭想了半日，方說道：“有昨日剩下的兩個半燒餅，還有一碗
死雞熬白菜，若不見外，權且充飢如何？”齷齪鬼道：“使得，使得。”於是托將
出來，放在桌上。仔細鬼陪著吃了一個，這齷齪鬼止吃一個半燒餅到肚，連充饑也
不能夠，再也不好要了，沒奈何將褲子緊一緊，又看見桌子上落上許多芝麻，待要
收得吃了，又怕仔細鬼笑話。眉頭一蹙計上心來。於是用指頭一面在桌上畫著，一
面說道：“我想鍾馗這廝，他一定要從慳吝山過來，過了慳吝山就是抽筋河，過了
抽筋河就是敝村了。”桌子上畫一道，拈的幾顆芝麻到手，因推潤指，將芝麻吃了
。又畫，畫了又吃，須臾，吃個罄盡。看時，桌縫中還有幾顆不能出來，又定了一
條計，向桌子上一掌拍了一下，大聲道：“那鍾馗若來，我拿住他時定要判屍萬斷
。”這一拍，將那幾顆芝麻拍出來了，他又用前法吃了。仔細鬼忽一陣心疼，不能
動止。你道為何？他見芝麻落在桌上，自然是主人之物，不想又被齷齪鬼設計吃了
，所以心疼起來，齷齪鬼見他心疼，心上有些明白，與自己得病一樣，祇得作謝去
了。這仔細鬼疼了一會，轉過氣來，恨道：“他何嘗是商量計策來？分明是故來討
擾我。我不免明日也到他家去商議，怕他不還我的席麼？”於是連夜飯都不吃了，
等到天明，竟往齷齪鬼家去。這正是：
　　齷齪鬼摳齷齪鬼，仔細人尋仔細人。
　　到了齷齪鬼門首，搖響門環，祇見齷齪鬼在門縫裏張望。仔細鬼道：“是我來
了，不必偷視。”齷齪鬼開了門，道：“原來是老弟，我祇當是吃生米的哩。”仔
細鬼：“你老弟從來不吃生米。”齷齪鬼便接著口氣道：“想是老弟已吃了熟飯了
。”因對家人說：“你二爺吃了飯了，不必收拾，止看茶來罷。”仔細鬼暗道：“
又受了他的局套了。”祇得坐下，吃了一盅寡茶，說道：“老兄昨日所言鍾馗之事
，我想此事還須與急賴鬼商量，他還有些急智。”齷齪鬼道：“你提起他來，他去
年借了我三斗三升一勺糧食，止還的三斗三升，竟欠我一勺未還。我為朋友面上不
好計較，你說他可成人麼？”仔細鬼道：“可不是怎的，他問我借了二錢三分四厘
五毫銀子，還短了我一毫。我教他寫下欠約，現在我家存的，至今不好去逼他。我
們如今做了大量君子，擱過一邊，且與他商量這事可也。”齷齪鬼道：“你說得是
。”遂攜手同行，不覺來在急賴鬼家門首。祇見門前圍著許多人，都是向他討債的
。急賴鬼掛出一面牌，上寫著：“明日準還。”那些人益發不依，嚷個不了。齷齪
鬼道：“他既明日准還，也就罷了，你們為甚還這等的亂嚷？”那些人道：“二位
不知，他這個明日是活明日，不是死明日，所以難憑。”仔細鬼道：“總是一個明
日，如何又分死活？”那些人道：“大凡有行止的，是個死明日。無行止的，是個
活明日，就如夜明珠一般，千年萬載常明起來，那裏有個底止？”齷齪鬼道：“原
來如此，但如今列位們嚷也無益，索性等他到明日，看他如何？”那些人見說的有
理，也祇得去了。

　　他二人方纔進來，見急賴鬼在那裏砌牆。仔細鬼道：“外邊有許多人叫罵，你
還這等安心砌牆？”急賴鬼道：“二位有所不知，我於今見西牆倒壞，我拆東牆補
西牆裏，豈是有奈何的麼？二位兄長到此何幹？”齷齪鬼道：“如今有天大的一宗
事情，特來求教。”如此如此，這般這般說了一遍。急賴鬼道：“我當是甚麼大事
。若這宗事，有何難處？祇須寫一封嚇蠻書去嚇他，他自然不敢來了。”仔細鬼道
：“怎麼叫做嚇蠻書？”急賴鬼道：“兄不知麼？是當日外國與唐天子邦下，將一
封書來，寫的是他那外國的字體滿朝文武官員都認不得。明皇召將李青蓮來。那李
青蓮吃的酩酊大醉，將來書看了，就用他外國的字體寫了一封回書。明皇教楊貴妃
捧硯，高力士與他脫靴，他拿起筆來一揮而就，寫成一封嚇蠻書竟將那外國嚇的服
了。如今咱也祇寫封書去嚇罷了。”仔細鬼道：“此計大妙，正是紙上談兵。祇是
叫誰來寫呢？”急賴鬼：“我已打算下了，我這邊八蠟廟中有個教學的先生，文才
最高。他做的詩詞歌賦，再沒人比得過他。那一年歲當大比，題目是風、花、雪、
月絕句四首，他不假思索，拿起筆來就做成了。我還記的，試念與二位兄聽。那詠
風的詩是：
　　一般沖天百丈長，黃沙吹起斗難量。
　　任他鎮宅千斤石，刮到半天打塌房。
　　詠花的詩是：
　　一枝纔謝一枝開，誰替東君費剪裁。
　　花匠想從花裏住，不然那討許多來。
　　詠雪的詩是：
　　輕如柳絮快如梭，可耳盈頭滿面探。
　　想是玉皇請賓客，廚房連夜褪天鵝。
　　那詠月的詩益發妙絕：
　　寶鏡新磨不罩紗，嫦娥端的會當家。
　　祇愁世上燈油少，夜夜高懸不怕他。”

　　齷齪鬼聽了，道：“真個做的好，祇是‘不怕他’三字有些不明白。”急賴鬼
道：“這正是用意深處，大凡做賊的人，偷風不偷月，他最怕的是月。月偏不怕他
，故意照將起來。所以要用這‘不怕他’，三字，可謂奇之極矣。房官見了他的卷
子，喜得說道，羽翼已成自當破壁飛去，因怕他飛了去，將文字旁邊畫了許多道子
攔住，猶恐他脫穎而出，又叉上許多叉子叉住。呈上主考那邊，不想主考淺薄，也
不懂的‘不怕他’三字，反說莫有出處，駁了不中。你說屈他不屈他？他因此滿腹
不平，又做了一首感懷的詩，再念與二位聽：
　　生衙鈔短忍書房，非肉非絲主不良。
　　命薄滿腹觀鷸蚌，才高塞耳聽池塘。
　　談詩口渴梁思蜜，話賦心漕孔念姜。
　　何日時來逢伯樂，一聲高叫眾人慌。”
　　齷齪鬼道：“這詩我益發不懂，還求哥哥講講。”急賴鬼道：“生衙鈔短忍書
房者，是作生意無本錢，待要住衙門又沒頂手，所以忍氣吞聲入書房。第二句就是
因主考駁了他的卷子，說他吟的詩當不得肉，作的賦當不得絲，又遇主考無良，不
能愛才，故云非絲非肉主不良。第三句是見人家中了他不能中，故憤然說道：我雖
命薄，看你鷸蚌相持到幾時。第四句是說不第以來別無生涯，祇得教書，那書生們
念起書來，就如蛙鳴一般，古詩有青草池塘處處蛙之句，這‘聽池塘’三句又用得
好。第五、六句便說教學的苦處，每日講起書來，講的口渴心漕，當日，梁武帝被
侯景困在臺城餓死時，曾思蜜水止渴，所以說‘梁思蜜’。論語上有‘孔子不撤姜
食’，故又云‘孔念姜’。‘口渴梁思蜜，心漕孔念姜’，你看他對得何等工巧，
又句句是故典，豈不是好詩？至於結尾這二句益發妙絕，古今少有。當日馬逢伯樂
而嘶，其價倍增，他說‘何日來逢伯樂’，遇個明眼主考將他中了，如今人都欺他
，那時他把人都嚇慌了，所以說‘一聲高叫萬人慌’。這一首詩無一個閑字，無一
句閑話，蘊藉風流，特真異才。怎奈德修而謗興，道高而毀來，人反起一個混名叫
做不通鬼。你說這等一個才學，豈是不通之人？”仔細鬼道：“自然大通家了，老
兄可快叫他寫嚇蠻書。”急賴鬼道：“你們空有幾分財帛，道理全然不解。當日文
王訪姜太公，玄德請孔明，都是親身請見，豈有個喚來之理？我們必須親去拜求方
可。”齷齪鬼道：“還是老兄知禮。”

　　於是三人同出門來，齷齪鬼與仔細鬼走著，各暗想道：聽了急鬼賴多少詩詞，
聽的耳飽，苦了自己肚皮，餓的腰不能伸，鞠著躬跟他走。轉了幾個彎，就是八蠟
廟了。上前輕輕叩門，裏面走出一個小童問來歷，進去通報。且說那不通鬼正與謅
鬼講話，小童走到身邊，低低說了聲：“有客相訪。”這不通鬼也不問是誰，吩咐
道：“請進來罷。”小童出來道：“有請”，他三人鞠躬而入，十分謙遜，先向謅
鬼致意，道：“此一位先生高姓？”不通鬼道：“敝社長謅先生。”他三人先同謅
鬼作了揖，然後與不通鬼見禮，說道：“久仰大德，未敢造次，今日會面，實慰平
生。”不通鬼道：“學生草茅下士，幸接高賢，頓使蓬蓽生輝。”讓坐已畢，看他
書房，果然清雅。

　　小小院落，低低茅屋，也沒有柏來，也沒有梅，也沒有竹。簾前培二棗，階下
栽雙菊。一頂書櫃不是梨木，幾卷殘篇頗成古籍。硯臺堪作字，詩筒可裝筆。存一
點太古風，裝一個稀奇物。閉門違俗客，烹茶待知己，還有一樁缺欠，無錢賒酒不
得。

　　不通鬼道：“三位先生到此，必有所論。”齷齪鬼道：“無事不敢造扰，今有
切身厲害之事，特來懇教。”遂將鍾馗之事，細說了一遍，不通鬼聽著斬鬼二字，
因自己有一這個鬼名，未免有些動意。所謂罵著和尚滿寺熱，祇是不肯露頭。急賴
鬼隨又說出求寫書之意，不通鬼道：“學生才疏學淺，祇恐有負所托。”祇見謅鬼
大怒道：“何物鍾馗，這等大膽，敢在太歲頭上動土。老社臺你將這書寫的官冕些
，叫他知道俺們的才學，自然不敢正眼相看。如其不然，俺們再動公呈。”不通鬼
道：“眾位請坐，待學生搜索枯腸。”於是左扭右捏的，把鬍鬚不知拈斷多少，好
幾個時辰方纔寫出稿來。你道寫的是甚：
　　“年家侍教生某等頓首，書奉鍾馗老先生將軍麾下：蓋聞先王治世，各君其國
，各子其民。彼此不爭，凡以息兵也。先生不知何所聞而來，竟將生等一概要斬。
即以斬論，孟子云：君子之澤五世而斬，小人之澤亦五世而斬。生等既作君子，亦
作小人，其不應斬也明矣，而先生必欲斬之。先生既欲斬生等，生等獨不可斬老先
生乎？如其見機而作，乃屬其陰兵而告之日：敵人之所欲者，吾頭顱也，我將去之
，不亦善乎？若猶未也，生等赫然斯怒，愛整其旅，將見弓矢斯張，干戈戚揚。爭
城以戰，殺人盈城﹔爭地以戰，殺人盈野。先生其奈之何？統希酌量，勿貽後悔！
不宣。”

　　眾人看畢，大喜道：“還是先生高才，說的又委婉又剛正，他見了，自然卷甲
倒戈矣。”謅鬼道：“書詞雖好，還待我親去一番。憑俺三寸不爛之舌，說的他死
心塌地，再不敢小觀我等。”齷齪等鬼益發大喜，祇得攤錢買酒，與謅鬼餞行。謅
鬼飲過三杯，拿著書，竟昂然而去。

　　且說鍾馗自滅了涎臉鬼，因五月天熱，且在這山中避暑，這日正和咸、富二神
玩賞榴花，陰兵來報，道：“外邊有個秀才要見。”鍾馗道：“令他進來。”祇見
謅鬼高視闊步，走到面前，長揖而立。鍾馗已有幾分不耐煩了，問道：“你來何軒
？”謅鬼道：“俺聞兵乃兇器，戰乃危事，所以聖人不得已而用之。今日先生到此
，未聞有所不得已之事，竟將俺名為鬼的人一概要斬。人命關天，上帝寧佑汝乎？
我學生不忍坐視，故求敝友修書一封，專來奉上。倘若執迷，俺們的公呈決不免也
。”說畢，遞上書來。鍾馗聽了他言詞，已是大怒，又看他的書詞，滿紙胡謅竟無
一筆通處，於是擲書於地，大喝一聲，手起劍落，將他的謅筋謅腸一齊砍斷，再不
能謅了。

　　於是率領陰兵，竟尋齷齪鬼等來。正走之間，祇見前面喊聲震地，殺聲沖天。
原來是齷齪鬼與仔細鬼因與謅鬼餞行，攤錢不均，齷齪鬼少攤了一文，袖中又插上
幾個小錢，仔細鬼受不得，所以兩個鬥起氣來，率領家兵廝殺。鍾馗不知是誰，將
遠處看的人叫來問時，方知就是書上寫的那兩個鬼。鍾馗就要上前去斬，咸淵道：
“主公權且息怒。這叫做二虎相鬥必有一傷。待他傷了一個，我們誅一個更容易。
”鍾馗於是扎下營寨不題。

　　且說齷齪與仔細鬼正在酣戰之際，祇聽的一聲吶喊，看時兩家兵都散了。你道
為何？原來他兩個平日與這些家兵的口糧不足，已是都有懷恨之心，今又見鍾馗扎
下營寨，料想縱有功勞，絕無賞賜，因此散了。他兩個愈加氣惱，祇得拔出生刀子
來廝剜。看看兩個俱帶重傷，兩家兒子出來各救回去。且說齷齪鬼回到家中，料想
不能得活，又恐死了累兒子買棺材，遂於夜間偷跑出來，跳在毛坑死了。正是：
　　生前不是乾淨人，死後重當齷齪鬼。

　　再說仔細鬼聽齷齪鬼死了，看自己也是一身重傷，料來不能獨活，遂吩咐兒子
：“為父的苦扒苦掙，扒賺的這些家私，也夠你過了。祇是我死之後，要急將我一
身之肉賣了，天氣炎熱，若放壞了，怕人不肯出錢。”說著流下兩行傷心淚來，大
叫一聲，嗚呼哀哉了。不多一時，又悠悠復活，他兒子道：“爹爹還有甚麼牽計處
？”仔細鬼道：“怕人家使大秤，你要仔細，不可吃了虧，就是牽計這個。”說畢
，纔放心死去了。不想他兒子果然孝順，不肯違了父命，竟將他碎割零賣，這也叫
做事死如事生，事亡如事存的了。表過不題。

　　再說那急賴鬼與不通鬼，正在那裏眼觀捷旌旗、耳聽好消息的時候，忽見小鬼
報道：“不好了，鍾馗來了，謅先生也教殺了，齷齪鬼仔細鬼都死了。我們祇得各
顧性命便了。”說著跑出門了，霎時逃的無蹤影了。不通鬼聞得這個消息，丟了三
魂，喪了七魄，也顧不得筆硯琴書，跑到後院井邊，咕咚一聲做水中秀才去了。祇
留下急賴鬼一人，急急走到家中，閉門不出。鍾馗率領陰兵將他宅舍圍了，晝夜攻
打。攻打的這急賴鬼急了，叫他的兒子樹出一面牌來，是將還字改作降字，是“明
日準降”。

　　到了次日，使陰兵問他，為何不降？他回答：“寫的明白。寫的‘明日準降’
，為何今日來問？”鍾馗聽了大怒道：“看來這廝的明日是無底子了。”催兵盡力
攻打，那急賴鬼見勢頭不好，祇得拿了一枝大戟殺將出來。這邊廂富曲出兵，戰夠
多時，祇聽得一聲響亮，急賴鬼落下馬來。眾陰兵上前拿住，鍾馗便要斬他，急賴
鬼道：“不算，不算，這是俺馬蹶，非汝等之能。便斬了，死也不服。豈有大丈夫
乘人之危而為勝者乎？”鍾馗哈哈大笑道：“也罷，俺就放你去，讓你再來，諒你
籠中之鳥，網中之魚，不怕你逃入離恨天去。”

　　急賴鬼回至家中，換了一匹銀鬃白馬，又殺將出來。鍾馗也騎上白澤，同富曲
相迎。急賴鬼措手不及，又被富曲活捉過來。急賴鬼又道：“豈有此理，俺祇有一
人，你卻兩人，雖然拿住，也不算英雄。有本事的，和俺單戰，不許夾攻。”鍾馗
笑道：“你果然會急賴，到也美得個實符其名。俺再放你去，那時拿住，又有何說
？”急賴鬼又回到家中，棄了大戟，拿了一口可憐劍，又殺將出來，鍾馗便與他單
戰。那急賴鬼怎敵得過，戰夠數合之後，便就逃走。鍾馗緊緊趕來，趕到沒奈河邊
，前去無路，急賴鬼大驚失色。正在慌亂之際，忽然綠蔭中，撐出一隻沒下梢的船
來。急賴鬼指望渡過河去再尋生路，不想逃的慌速，踏不住船頭，跌落水中，變成
一個大鱉，縮了脖子，再也不肯出來了。正是：
　　躲債無方，張口不能胡急賴。
　　避人有法，縮頭權且做烏龜。
　　要知後來如何，且聽下回分解。

第五回 忘父仇偏成莫逆　求官位反失家私

　　詩曰：
　　為後攢眉日夜憂，金銀惟恐不山丘。
　　乃翁未瞑愁兒目，孝子能忘報父仇。
　　博具有神財攝去，煙花無底鈔空投。
　　早知今日冰成雪，應悔當年作馬牛。

　　這首詩為何作起，祇因人生在世，千方百計掙下家財，後來生出不肖子孫定要
弄個罄盡。所以古人說得好：慳吝守財，必生出敗家之子。這兩句話，便是從古至
今鐵板不易之理，惟有司馬溫公看得透徹，說道：“積金以遺子孫，子孫未必能守
﹔積書以遺子孫，子孫未必能讀﹔不如積陰騭於冥冥之中，以為子孫長久之計。”
若人人都學司馬溫公做去，世人再無齷齪仔細了。怎奈學司馬溫公的偏少，學齷齪
仔細的偏多，自然那敗家之子也就無數了。怎見得？齷齪鬼與仔細鬼，一家生下一
個兒子，俱與乃翁大相懸絕。自從乃父死後，他們就學起漢武帝來了，狹小漢家制
度，諸事俱要奢華，又隨一堆幫閑的朋友，非嫖即賭，登時弄的罄盡。雖然弄了許
多東西，卻也落下兩個鬼號，那齷齪鬼的兒子叫做討吃鬼，那仔細鬼的兒子叫做耍
碗鬼。此是大概，且容細細說來。

　　卻說鍾馗見急賴鬼變了烏龜，率領陰兵又往別處去了。這討吃鬼打聽著鍾馗已
去，安心樂意在家裏受用，祇是見那房舍擺設俱不稱意，反將他父親罵道：“老看
財奴，空有家資，卻無見識。人生在世，能有幾日，何不穿他些，吃他些，使他些
，弄他些，也算做人一場。怎麼祇管儉用？今日死了，你為甚不帶去了，遺下這些
東西累我！我也是個有才干的，豈肯叫他累住？”正打算之際，祇見媒人領著一個
後生進來，那後生怎麼模樣：
　　一頂帽隨方就圓，兩隻鞋露後遮前。遍體琉璃，祇怕那拾碎希的針鉤搭去。滿
身穢氣，還愁著換稀糞的馬桶掏來。拿不得輕，掇不得重，從小兒培植成現世活寶
。論不得文，講不得武，到大來修煉為稀罕東西。正是：
　　慢說海船釘子廣，拔出船釘盡窟窿。

　　討吃鬼問道：“這小廝是何處來的？”媒人道：“聞得宅上少人使喚，端引他
來。他家當初也是富貴人家，祇因從小嬌養，沒有讀書。及至他父親死後，學了一
身本事，又會耍牌，又會擲骰，又會飲酒，又會嫖娼，又會小唱，又會弦子，又會
琵琶，至於鑽狗洞，跳牆頭，這些都是他的本事。東不管，西不管，又好吃來又好
喝，又好穿。且性格又謙讓，又極有行止。他贏下人的，絕不肯去逼迫，別人贏他
的，一是一，二是二，并不教人上門上戶。因此將家私敗了，人還不說個好，反送
下一個渾名叫做倒塌鬼。他如今沒奈何，要投在人家使喚，問了幾處都不承攬。聞
得宅上今用人了，所以領來，爺祇管留下，包管諸事稱心。”討吃鬼道：“我正要
這等一個人，來得正好。”於是寫了一張投身文契，賞了媒人十兩銀子，那媒人歡
天喜地去了。這討吃鬼向倒塌鬼道：“連日暑氣炎炎，那裏有甚麼乘涼去處纔好。
”倒塌鬼道：“大爺要乘涼不難，離此十里之遙，有座快活亭，那亭子前面都是水
，水中滿栽著蓮花，沿堤都是楊柳松柏，遮的亭子上一點全無，且是潔淨無比。坐
在那上邊，耳畔黃鸝巧囀，面前荷香撲鼻。風過處，微波滾玉，日來時，楊柳篩金
。絕好的乘涼之地，大爺何不一往？”討吃鬼道：“如此所在，自然要去。祇是我
一人坐在那裏，也無滋味，你又是我手下人，陪我坐不得。”倒塌鬼道：“有小人
一個相知，極會趨奉。當時趨奉小人時甚是喜歡，小人贈了他一個鬼號，叫做低達
鬼。大爺要人陪，小人喚他來如何？”討吃鬼道：“極好，你快喚去。”倒塌鬼去
不多時，果然喚低達鬼來了。祇見他：
　　滿面春風和氣，彎著腰從不敢伸，掇著肩那能得直？未語先看人面，一雙眼盯
著大爺鬚眉。身欲坐而腳像有針，足欲行而惟恐多石。見了酒不知有命，逢著肉祇
愁無腹，叫投東不敢西，惟取歡心。不避風，那怕雨，豈憚憚勞？更有幾般絕妙處
﹔勸老爺莫帶草紙，待老爺出恭畢，小人與老爺舔，恐草紙揩破屁眼。

　　卻說低達鬼進的門來，撲地磕下頭去。討吃鬼道：“不消行禮，請坐了罷。”
低達鬼再三謙讓多時，纔在椅子邊上坐了，討吃鬼叫他一聲，他就連忙跪下，道：
“大爺有何吩咐？”討吃鬼道：“我因天氣炎熱，要去快活亭上乘涼，要你陪俺。
今後你也不必這樣過謙，祇要陪得大爺受用罷了。”低達鬼連忙打恭道：“大爺吩
咐得是。”於是整了一桌齊整飯，都是山珍海味，龍肝鳳髓之數。抱了兩壇酒，騎
了高頭俊馬，玉勒金鞍，竟到快活亭上來了。

　　祇見快活亭上早有一伙人在那裏飲酒。你道是誰？原來是仔細鬼兒子耍碗鬼，
同了兩個知心朋友，一個叫做誆騙鬼，一個叫做丟謊鬼。那耍碗鬼自從仔細鬼死後
，他的心事與討吃鬼一樣，也甚是怨恨，他的父親不會做人，所以他就改了當日制
度，每日祇是賭錢、飲酒取樂。今日正在這亭子上受用，討吃鬼看見，恐他計不共
戴天之仇，心下躊躇。誰想他度量寬宏，不念舊惡，連忙走下亭子來，迎著討吃鬼
道：“兄長也來此作樂乎？弟久已要負荊請罪，惟恐兄長不容。今日幸會於此，實
出望外也。再不消題起老狗才，祇因他們反目，所以致我弟兄參商。”說罷，讓到
亭子上來。討吃鬼也未免說了幾句親熱套話，與眾人羅圈作揖。彼此俱問了大號，
討吃鬼與耍碗鬼彼此讓席，誆騙鬼道：“據我說來你兩家合了席，豈不熱鬧！”低
達鬼道：“妙哉，妙哉，我小子左之右之，無不宜之矣。”

　　真個兩家合席而坐，討吃鬼居右，耍碗鬼居左，誆騙鬼、丟謊鬼對陪，低達鬼
打橫，倒塌鬼執壺斟酒。飲酒中間，又說起先人們當日刻薄，沒見天日，若是我等
，這亭子上不知快活幾百場了。誆騙鬼道：“如今這些話也不消題起，放著眼前風
光何等暢快，二位大爺祇管講他怎的，我們王十九且飲酒。”於是滿斟一杯，奉與
討吃鬼，叫他行令。討吃鬼道：“實告你，酒我雖會吃，卻不曉行甚麼令。你就替
我行罷。”誆騙鬼又讓耍碗鬼，耍碗鬼也是如此說。你道卻是為何？祇因他兩家祖
輩從不宴客，所以他兩人都不曾見過行令。誆騙鬼心上明白，不勉強為難，遂道：
“也罷，我替大爺行起。”於是拿過骰盆，說道：“要念個風花雪月梅楊的詞兒，
如念錯了，罰一大杯。”眾人俱求說明些，我們好遵令。那誆騙鬼拿著骰子說道：
“對月還須自酌，春風到處皆然。東西搖拽柳絲牽，花滿河陽一縣。梅開香聞十里
，雪花亂撲瓊筵。念差道錯定糾參，不罰大杯不算。”擲下去，卻好是個么。誆騙
鬼滿斟一杯，遞與討吃鬼。討吃鬼道：“這是為何？”誆騙鬼道：“令是小人替行
酒，大爺吃。”討吃鬼吃了酒，就該耍碗鬼擲，耍碗鬼道：“南無爺，這坑了小弟
命了！你再說一遍。”誆騙鬼祇得又說一遍，那耍碗鬼還念錯了兩句，擲下個四，
大家都斟上，耍碗鬼還罰了大杯。就該誆騙鬼擲了。丟謊鬼道：“你已擲過，怎麼
又擲？”誆騙鬼道：“此大爺的令，我不過替大爺一行而已。我敢不遵令？”於是
拿起骰子，擲出個六點，誆騙鬼自然明白，舉起杯來，敬了討吃鬼一杯，又與丟謊
鬼一杯。丟謊鬼道：“這是為何？”誆騙鬼道：“令是雪花亂撲瓊筵，所以我亂撲
起來。”那低達鬼道：“怎麼就撲不到我這裏來，祇管叫我乾著。”誆騙鬼也就賞
了他一杯，轉過杯來，就該丟謊鬼擲，丟謊鬼擲出個二，他滿席都斟起來。誆騙鬼
道：“請罰一大缸。”丟謊鬼道：“我遵令，怎麼罰我？令是春風到處皆然，不該
大家都吃麼？”誆騙鬼道：“你不知道，要依點數來。骰擲二點，你祇敬兩家就是
了。”丟謊鬼祇得受罰，收尾就該低達鬼擲了，他滿望要擲個六或四，吃杯酒兒。
不想擲出個三來，祇得上下斟起，甚是難過。乘眾人不備，竟將一壺酒嘴對嘴一氣
兒偷吃了。

　　且說大家正吃得爽快，而紅日已沉西矣。討吃鬼道：“我們正在高興之際，又
早黃昏了，怎得有個好所在，我們可以過得夜，大家樂一個通宵方妙。”誆騙鬼道
：這有何難，此處到柳金娘家不遠，我們何不就住他家去。”耍碗鬼道：“柳金娘
是個甚麼人？我們可以去的？”誆騙鬼道：“大爺不知麼，這柳金娘他有兩個女兒
，一個取名傾人城，一個取名傾人國，俱有閉月羞花之貌，沉魚落雁之容。大爺們
何不相與相與，不枉到此一遊。”討吃鬼與耍碗鬼聽了此言。不覺身麻了半邊，說
道：“為何不早說，我們就快些去來。”於是一行人都離了快活亭上，望前急走。
走不多遠，前邊一個大鎮，討吃鬼問道：“這是甚麼去處？”誆騙鬼道：“這叫做
煙花寨。”眾人上的寨來，又見一個大坑，杭上有座獨木小橋，討吃鬼又問道：“
這是甚麼緣故？”“這叫做有錢橋，總是有錢的許來瞧，無錢的不許來瞧的意思。
二位大爺是有錢的，祇管瞧不妨。”二人滿心歡喜。

　　到了柳金娘家門首，誆騙鬼引著眾位進來。柳金娘道：“眾位老爺，今日那陣
風兒刮的到此？”又看見討吃鬼與耍碗鬼：“這二位大爺面生的緊。”誆騙鬼道：
“是我們的新朋友，他兩個俱有萬貫家財，今日專來訪你家兩個令愛。福星來臨，
你還這等慢待。”柳金娘聞聽金錢，喜的屁滾尿流，向討吃鬼與耍碗鬼說道：“鴇
兒有眼無珠，望乞二位大爺恕罪！便磕下頭去，這討吃鬼與耍碗鬼并沒走這條路，
不知規矩。祇見鴇兒磕頭又有幾歲年紀，討吃鬼與耍碗鬼連忙叫了聲老奶奶，還了
個揖，金娘忙讓到家中，坐在上房。祇見排設的甚是齊整，上面供奉著他的白眉神
，中間一張方桌，八把交椅，兩邊銅爐古畫，極其瀟灑。眾人依次坐下，須臾就是
一道果仁泡茶。柳金娘連忙催得他兩個女兒出來，果然生的美貌，但見：
　　黑參參的頭兒，白濃濃的臉兒，細彎彎的眉兒，尖翹翹的腳兒，直掇掇的身子
兒。上穿著藕合羅妙衫兒，下穿著廣白廣紗裙兒。

　　兩個一樣容顏，一般打扮，就如一對仙女臨凡，朝著眾位端端正正拜了兩拜，
把討吃鬼與耍碗鬼喜的滿心發癢，無有抓處，目不轉睛的看。手下丫頭抬過八仙桌
來，討吃鬼、耍碗鬼依然上坐，誆騙鬼、丟謊鬼依然相陪，兩個姐兒打橫，低達鬼
敘著桌角。即時把大盤大碗掇將上來，無非是雞魚果品、海味肉菜之類。眾人在這
裏猜拳打馬的吃酒，那倒塌鬼獨自一個兒往下邊房裏坐去了。丟謊鬼道：“二位姐
姐何不清歌一曲，與二位大爺勸酒。”那傾人城拍著節兒唱了一個《黃鶯兒》，唱
道：
　　“巫山夢正勞，聽柴門有客敲。窗前淡整梨花貌，鴛衾暫拋，春情又挑。當筵
不惜歌喉妙，纏頭頻解，方是少年豪。”

　　果然詞出佳人口，端的有繞梁之聲。眾人誇之不盡，說道：“這位賢姐這等人
才，這等妙音，若非二位大爺有福，怎能消受的起？”於是又叫傾人國唱。傾人國
便續前腔，也唱一曲道：
　　“果是少年豪，纏頭錦不住拋，千金常買佳人笑。心騷意騷魂勞夢勞，風流不
許人知道。問兒曹，閑愁多少，好去上眉梢。”

　　眾人都道：“妙！妙！妙！又新鮮，又切題，實是難為賢姐了。”討吃鬼道：
“你們難為了二人唱了，你們何不也唱一個兒回敬？”誆騙鬼道：“不打緊，我有
一個《打棗杆兒》，唱與他們聽罷。”於是一面拍著手，一面唱道：
　　“兩冤家，我愛你的身材兒俏，還愛你打扮的忒煞風騷，更愛你唱的曲兒天然
妙。一個兒如鶯囀，一個兒似燕嬌。聽了你的聲音，乖乖委實唱的好。”
　　把眾人都笑了，輪著丟謊鬼唱。丟謊鬼道：“我不會唱，說個笑話兒罷。”說
道：“一家兄弟兩個，同做生意。哥哥拿了一千兩銀子，往南邊買貨去了，看著個
絕色的姐兒，他就嫖去，將一千兩銀子嫖的罄盡，回不得家鄉了。那姐兒念相契之
情，與他立起個堂子，將他供奉在裏面，祇說他是個毛神，凡有客來嫖，先要祭他
。他兄弟不見他回家，又拿二百兩銀子去尋他哥子。不想追尋不著，卻尋著個姐兒
，也就要嫖。”姐兒道：‘我家有個毛神，甚是靈驗，但凡客來，都要祭他。’於
是收拾祭品，正祭間，他見是他兄弟，連忙跳出來道：‘兄弟，你拿多少銀子來嫖
？’他兄弟說是二百兩，他哥道：‘快回去。我拿得一千兩銀子，嫖成個毛神，你
拿得一百兩，祇好做個毛球。’”說罷，跪在地下道：“小人失言了。”誆騙鬼道
：“大爺們不計較，你有好的祇管說。”丟謊鬼道：“我還有一個嫖娼的笑話兒說
了罷。”又說道：“一個有年紀的，他年紀雖高，春情不減，還要嫖嫖。怎奈他陽
物比皮軟，不能入爐。他就生了一計，將籬邊的篾暗暗挈了進去。那姐兒嫌刺的疼
，說道：‘你祇叫正身來罷，我不喜歡這些幫客。’”把眾鬼說的大笑。低達鬼道
：“你得罪了二位大爺，又要把我們拉下水去。”丟謊鬼道：“你不要說我，且看
你有甚本事與二位大爺們勸酒。”低達鬼道：“我但憑二位賢姐吩咐，教俺怎麼俺
就怎麼。”傾人城道：“我要你學個驢喊。”那低達鬼就喊了三聲，傾人城道：“
不算，不算！要你跪在地下，就如驢一般的樣子大喊三聲方算。”低達鬼道：“這
有何難？”連忙跪下，高喊三聲，把眾人笑個不了。低達鬼奉與傾人城一杯酒，又
斟一杯奉與傾人國。傾人國道：“你要我吃你這杯酒，除非你跪下頂在頭上，叫聲
嫡嫡親親的娘，說‘吃了兒子這杯酒吧’，我方肯吃。”低達鬼道：“死不了人。
”真個頭頂杯酒，跪在地下，叫道：“我的嫡嫡親親的娘，你吃了兒子這杯酒吧！
”那傾人國笑著道：“好一個孝順的兒子。”於是取來吃了。眾人道：“我們告了
迴避罷。”這兩個敗子此時也恨不得教眾人散去，遂拉了誆騙鬼走到簾外，悄悄的
問道：“這樁事俺們能不能行，還要求你指教。”誆騙鬼道：“這有甚難處，祇要
捨的銀子就體面了。”二人領了這個大教，就立起揮金如土的志氣來。眾人都到外
邊睡去了，這討吃鬼攜了傾人城的手，耍碗鬼攜了傾人國的手，各自進臥房來。那
臥房中：
　　花梨床來自兩廣，描金櫃出自蘇杭。桃紅柳綠，衣架上滿堆衣裳。花緞春綢，
炕床頂高增褥被。梳頭匣細描著西湖景致，勻面鏡生鑄就東海螭紋。更有瓶桂花油
清香撲鼻，還有匹紅綾馬触鼻腥騷。正是：姐兒出盡千般醜，殺了許多灑金人。

　　二人從來未見這等擺設妝飾，喜得心花都開，就如那劉晨、阮肇誤入天臺的一
般，又像那豬八戒到了那西方極樂世界一般，當下抬腳不知高低。丫鬟來脫靴，先
賞了五兩銀子，丫鬟叩賞，歡天喜地而去。他二人比那當日入洞房分外受了心機。
這兩個姐兒見那二人出手大樣，枕上百般奉承，若不是生死簿上不該死，險些兒連
命都丟了。討吃鬼與耍碗鬼各入臥房不提。且說這丟謊鬼與誆騙鬼、低達鬼說道：
“二位大爺已入臥房去，你我必須個散心解夢得纔好。”低達鬼道：“有了做的了
。我見那些骨頭還未啃盡，我再溜溜搓搓，一者不可惜東西，二來又解心焦。”低
達鬼遂啃骨頭去了。他們說獨不見倒塌鬼那裏去了？於是尋在後園裏，魚池邊有個
滋泥坑子，他因天氣炎熱，又吃上了酒，渾身發燒，倒塌鬼遂躺在滋泥裏邊不起身
了。丟謊鬼與誆騙鬼道：“他們都有些做的，你我如何睡得著？不如喚柳媽媽來，
問他那裏有賭場，咱們去頑錢如何？”遂喚出柳金娘來問。柳金娘道：“此處河灣
裏，有一誘人街圈套巷灣人鍋家常開賭場，大爺們要頑錢那裏去。”丟謊鬼道：“
好個蹺蹊名字，如何叫做灣人鍋？”柳金娘道：“說起這個名字，有個緣故。此人
姓任，自幼不務正道，每日賭錢，將家產弄盡。後來學一個抽頭放梢的破落戶，他
家止有三間房，乃是個一堂兩屋。一壁廂是兒媳的房子，一壁廂就開賭場。他兒子
又長不在家。”誆騙鬼道：“在外做甚？”柳金娘道：“賣鏇貨哩。”誆騙鬼道：
“他就會鏇麼？”柳金娘道：“他打著個會鏇的伙計，他不過跟著人家瞎鏇哩。那
一夜要至半夜，眾人散了，止有個叫做甚麼輸殺鬼不曾走了。灣人鍋出外邊解手去
了，回來時輸殺鬼與他媳婦睡哩，遂打鬧起來，驚動鄰右。問其根由，眾人說道：
‘半夜三更，留下個光棍在家，是自己錯了。啞子吃黃，苦在肚裏罷。’說的灣人
鍋又羞又氣，投井而死。眾人湊急打撈起來，渾身衣服都濕成了一個水蛋了。幸喜
沒死了，止跌折脖子骨，後來長成個鍋子。因他住在河灣，又是個鍋子，故叫灣人
鍋。至此以後，就扯破臉，又添上這麼一樁買賣。”二人聽見，甚是歡喜，欣然而
去。過了誘人街圈套巷，果然三間屋，拍推開兩扇柴門，二人進去。灣人鍋一見，
甚是歡喜。二人坐下，言道：“俺們要頑錢，可有頑家麼？”話猶未了，從外進一
人，但見：
　　風葫蘆帽歪頂頭上，雙尖靴踏倒後跟。風葫蘆帽腦油二分厚，雙尖鞋兒塵垢有
半斤。手瓶條子拖著地，褐衫不扣常開懷。行走時左扭右捏，盡他挑調﹔說話處牙
尖舌快，自覺奇能。耍錢時真個公道，輸多少總不紅面。祇見臉又大又招風，真正
是賣地祖宗。

　　誆騙鬼問道：“此位是誰？”灣人鍋道：“他在俺隔壁居住，性情好賭，甚是
公道，將萬貫家產弄了大半，人反送他一個大號叫做輸殺鬼。”丟謊鬼道：“這是
十八個銅錢擺兩行。”輸殺鬼道：“此話怎講？”丟謊鬼道：“久聞，久聞。”誆
騙鬼道：“止三個人還耍不起，再有一家纔好。”灣人鍋去不多時，又喚將一個來
。此人生厲害。怎見的：

　　頰似猴腮，鼻如鷹嘴。一副臉通無血色，十個指卻像鋼鉤。寧可我負人，莫教
人負我。奇才得自曹操，既已食其肉，還要吸其髓﹔妙術受於狐精，一點良心，離
陰司早已丟下。千般計較，出娘胎敢不捎來？要知此物名和姓，四海皆稱摳掐鬼。

　　這是灣人鍋勾來一人，名呼摳掐鬼。此人善能摳麼坐六四。坐下就耍起來。輸
殺鬼一夜輸了百八十串。至此以後，誆騙鬼和丟謊鬼白日陪著討吃鬼、耍碗鬼嫖，
夜晚間來此賭錢。不覺數夜，輸殺鬼將房屋、土地、老婆、一雙兒女俱賣的輸了。
一夜四個又到此處，輸殺鬼道：“咱們今日是要賒賬了。”誆騙鬼道：“咱們俱客
對客耍錢，輸贏現耍，俺們不要賒賬。”輸殺鬼道：“我家房地俱賣盡了，還有一
菜園子，裏邊我著都是沒扎果。我若輸了，明日將園子賣上清債。”於是四家又耍
起來。輸殺鬼性情各別，贏了時就不起身了，人家不耍了，他扯住又耍，等輸下些
纔罷手，於是輸下許多賒賬。丟謊鬼與誆騙鬼悄悄說道：“你看輸殺鬼那個光景，
那裏有錢與咱，待弟丟上個謊，將摳掐鬼的衣服騙上，咱走罷。”於是丟謊鬼與摳
掐鬼道：“我見老兄的衣服時行，弟有朋友訪去，借來穿穿如何？”摳掐鬼道：“
咱相與半月，借去何妨？”丟、誆二鬼拿上衣服，故意又飲了些酒，未及天明去了
。不多一時慌慌張張回來，說道：“飲酒誤事，將老兄衣服丟了，這該怎麼？”摳
掐鬼道：“你丟了得陪我。”誆騙鬼道：“就陪罷，可值多少？”摳掐鬼暗道：“
本不值三兩，”卻說道：“值五兩。”丟謊鬼道：“咱們相與要緊，不管他罷，將
俺們贏下的八兩銀子你都要去罷，權當俺莫贏下。”摳掐鬼道：“就是這樣。”於
是丟、誆二鬼去了。摳掐鬼不管輸殺鬼有無，當下摳住就要。輸殺鬼道：“我那裏
有個園子，我輸纔沒扎果了，不與了。”摳掐鬼大怒道：“皮兒草兒都是錢。”遂
將輸殺鬼的渾身衣裳，連褲子盡都脫了。摳掐鬼算來不夠，輸殺鬼亦怒道：“再無
別物，止有一根精屁，你要拿去。”摳掐鬼大怒：“就是精屁也是要的。”輸殺鬼
氣忿不過，見窗臺放著把剃刀，拿在手，咬住牙，噌一聲割將下來，大叫道：“今
日纔輸了個赤光無膫，連精屁也落下。”一陣發昏，跌倒在地。唬的個摳掐鬼跑的
如飛去了。自古道：“人不動心難為死。空了半個時辰，方纔哼哼過來。灣人鍋沒
奈何，養了半月有餘纔好些。說道：“我見你這樣子，要錢人也不要了，受苦你又
不會受苦，咱這裏不成寺上缺少個人擊鼓敲鐘，你往那裏敲鐘去罷。”輸殺鬼沒奈
何，往不成寺上赤?打響鐵去了。這正是：
　　祇輸的房地妻子都賣盡，
　　落了個赤光無膫打響鐵。

　　且說討吃鬼與耍碗鬼在柳金娘家住了半月有餘。二鬼家私已去了大半。那日忽
然來了一個相公，跟著許多家人，乃是本府賈大爺的公子。誆騙鬼扯著他二人，同
眾人都溜將出來，道：“他來了，我們另扎一陣，且走罷。”二人無奈何，祇得回
去。討吃鬼將眾人邀在他家裏坐定，心中好不氣惱，對耍碗鬼道：“他們做官的人
家這等勢力，我們沒前程的，難過日子，若是你我大小有個前程，這會也還在那裏
陪他坐哩。縱然將婊子讓與他，我們也不至於這等沒體面往回走。”耍碗鬼嘆了一
口氣，不作聲。誆騙鬼便乘機道：“大爺們要有前程也不難，拿幾千兩銀子來，小
人效力，替大爺們去長安幹辦，休說前程，就像那公子的父親，做個黃堂知府也是
容易的。那時做了官，掙幾十萬銀子回家來，要嫖就嫖，要賭就賭，誰敢說個不字
？”耍碗鬼道：“官也這等容易做麼？”丟謊鬼接住道：“這有何難。如今朝廷中
，做宰相用事的是李林甫，極貪賄賂。祇要投在他門下，當下就有官做。祇怕大爺
們捨不得銀子哩。若捨得時，小人幫扶上俺誆騙哥去，祇管要妥當。”這一席話，
說的二人興頭起來，道：“不知要多少銀子？”誆騙鬼與丟謊鬼眼色，丟謊鬼就不
作聲了，那誆騙故意打算了一會，又吸溜了一聲，說道：“二位大爺要做官員，輕
可也得幾千，少了不濟事。”討吃鬼扯出耍碗鬼來，背地裏商量了一會，進來安住
誆騙鬼與丟謊鬼，教低達鬼陪坐，他兩個湊辦銀子去了。蓋是想做官的心急，就要
當日打發起程的意思。

　　且說他兩個，每人本有萬貫家財，祇因在柳金娘家時，要在婊子面前做體面，
輸下的賭賬，不等回家就著人取去，對著婊子與了眾人，眾人俱各自送回家去。此
時這五千兩銀子便是傾囊而出的。於是當面包封銀子，一面使人去僱牲口，裝成馱
，管待誆騙鬼與丟謊鬼酒飯，千叮萬囑的打發起程去了。他二人就學起官樣來，走
步大搖大擺，說話時年兄長、年兄短，以為這頂紗帽就相在頭上。一般不想等了三
四個月，並無音信。家中沒了銀子，凡事漸漸蕭條起來。一日，正在納悶之際，丟
謊鬼來，卻好耍碗鬼也在討吃鬼家，二人忙問道：“端的如何？”丟謊鬼嘆氣道：
“我們到了長安，恰要尋個門路，誰想不湊巧，剛剛遇著朱泚作亂，我們商議且回
家來再處。不料，路上撞著賊兵，銀子搶去，誆騙鬼也叫殺了，惟有小人逃得性命
回來。今日相見，實是再世人了。”這兩個敗子一聞此言，氣得大呼小叫，口吐鮮
血，跌倒在地，不省人事。丟謊鬼爬起來，一溜煙走了。你說他往那裏去了？原來
他與誆騙鬼作成圈套，將銀子騙的走了兩程，尋了歇家，將原來的腳夫打發開又另
僱了騾子，改路又往南京去了。也恰有朱泚作亂的消息，他們不敢走，誆騙鬼在店
內住，這丟謊鬼回來安動作具實事，端端的在兩個敗子跟前丟上這等個大謊，依舊
趕上去與誆騙鬼均分了銀子，往南京做生意去了。這兩個敗子，蘇醒過來，無可撒
惡去處，卻好倒塌鬼進來說：“家中沒米做飯，拿錢來，小人去糴。”討吃鬼道：
“錢在那裏，隻個來糴不成。”倒塌鬼道：“沒錢糴米，難道餓死不成？”討吃鬼
正在氣頭上，見他說了這兩句言話，拿起棍來照頭就打。不料，一下將倒塌鬼打死
了。耍碗鬼道：“正在甚麼光景處，你又弄下個人命，該怎麼處？”討吃鬼呆了一
會，說道：“幸的低達鬼見我們窮了，他又往別處低達去了。他日若在時，看見便
遮俺。如今止我兄弟二人商量法子。”耍碗鬼想了想：“祇說他是霍亂病死了，與
他買上個薄皮棺材，裝上裏邊埋了，他又沒有人主，祇遮過街坊鄰裏耳目便了。”
討吃鬼道：“我這時那有錢買棺材？祇好使席子卷了罷。”耍碗鬼道：“不好。席
子卷上露出這個打傷的頭來，反不妙。不如咱們將他抬在後園那眼倒塌了的枯井裏
邊，教他一總倒塌去罷。人問時，祇說他逃走了。”於是依計而行。看官們著眼，
這就是倒塌鬼的下落。再說這兩個敗子日窮一日，把地也賣了，把房子也賣了，討
吃鬼剛剛落下一條頂門棍，耍碗鬼落下一個碗，二人嘆道：“還是先人們，遺下這
兩件好東西，不然，我們豈不失腳了？”於是討吃鬼提了棍，耍碗鬼拿了碗，纔做
起他們的本分生意來了。

　　一日，正在街上討吃，聽得後邊高高叫了一聲。二人回頭看時，急賴鬼的兒子
叫街鬼，討吃鬼問道：“老兄為何也做這個買賣？”叫街鬼道：“祇因先父惟憑急
賴，沒有掙下東西，所遺些虛薄產業，都被我拆總與人家了。小弟沒奈何，學會這
個本事，倒也清閑自在。二位是方便的，為甚半年多不見？怎麼也就如此？”二人
道：“不消提起。”因將前事訴了一遍，道：“咱們如今是患難朋友了，且又是父
交子往的，咱們如今益發結拜了，也好彼此扶持。”說的投機，便同到土地廟中，
相磕了幾個頭，結拜成弟兄果然恩愛異常，日則同食，夜則同宿，不像那同胞弟兄
們參商不像樣。

　　一日，都往大王廟中乘涼，忽有一人慌慌張張的來說道：“快躲快躲，鍾馗又
來了。”他三人吃了一驚，說道：“他已走了多日，怎麼今日又來了？”那人道：
“你們不知道，他前去欠真山，有個假鬼，本領十分厲害，行事如捕風捉影，說話
是墁天蓋地，與鍾馗大戰了幾百場，纔被鍾馗斬了。斬了假鬼回來，路上又遇著低
達鬼。不想這低達鬼不濟的很，鍾馗將他拿住，他就唬的滿口胡招，竟將三位招出
來。鍾馗將他罰與陰兵做了個吮癰舔痔的外科太醫了，如今又尋將你三位來。我是
地溜鬼，專來報信。”說畢去了。

　　他三個方在疑信之際，祇聽得號角連天，已將大王廟圍了。叫街鬼道：“此事
無可奈何，祇得與他對陣。我在這裏吶喊，你兩個上陣。”那討吃鬼手拿打狗棍，
撲上前去。鍾馗大喝一聲，如山塌地崩的一般，嚇得那討吃鬼骨軟筋，丟了棍，往
回飛跑。鍾馗趕來，耍碗鬼接住，舉起碗來向鍾馗劈面剁去，指望照臉一碗打死，
被鍾馗寶劍一架，可法一聲響亮，將碗打得粉碎。耍碗鬼道：“罷了，罷了，把吃
飯的家伙也丟了，還不投降，等待何時？”於是三個一齊跪倒，哀告道：“念小的
們原是好人家兒子，祇因不守本分，弄得窮了，沒奈何幹這管生，叫人起下這些鬼
號，望老爺饒命，小的們非情願做這樣鬼的。”鍾馗道：“不守本分便是匪類了，
要你們何用？”三人又哀告道：“這也不盡是小的們的不是，祇因祖父們慳吝的慳
吝，急賴的急賴，齷齪的齷齪，仔細的仔細，所以積造下小的們，老爺豈不聞慳吝
愛財，必生敗家之子，急賴的東西不長盛麼？”鍾馗哈哈大笑道：“據汝等說來也
有理，但祇遊手好閑，不是常法。”於是每人打了四十棍，以戒將來。又每人賞了
一百文錢，以憐窮苦。三人見鍾馗賞罰分明，心中感服，改過自新去了。這正是：
　　費盡家資，阿翁枉作千年計。
　　學會討吃，好兒也賺百文錢。
　　要知後事如何，且看下冊分解。

第六回 誆騙人反被人摳掐　丟謊鬼卻教鬼偷屍

　　詞曰：
　　世事循還何日了，這個才賒，那個隨來討。總是緣人誠實少，蒼天故把乾坤小
。幸有鍾馗心地好，除去奸頑，纔覺東方曉。任他變化千般巧，當庭一斷如包老。

　　話說誆騙鬼騙了討吃鬼與耍碗鬼的萬兩銀子，與丟謊鬼均分，還恐怕討吃鬼與
耍碗鬼不肯死心塌地，故教丟謊鬼回去，一面安頓家小，一面丟上一個大謊，弄的
兩個討吃的討吃，耍碗的耍碗。他與丟謊鬼到南京，竟做生意去了。不想人雖如此
，天理不然，報應循還，一點不錯。怎見得，有詩為證：
　　奸謀巧計切休誇，無義之財豈富家？
　　江面飄來水面去，蒼天報應總無差。

　　這誆騙鬼合了一個伙計，卻是在灣人鍋家摳輸殺鬼來的摳掐鬼，因有一面之交
，故做了伙計。摳掐鬼記騙衣服之仇，賣了一錢，登帳止上五分，不及三個月，竟
將五千兩本錢摳去一半。那日，誆騙鬼查賬，見沒了許多東西，就問摳掐鬼下落。
摳掐鬼信口伎俉，誆騙鬼大怒，揪住就打。不想摳掐鬼有一般絕招，十指就如鋼鉤
一般，將誆騙鬼先摳起皮，後去其肉，登時摳見骨頭，嗚呼哀哉了。保正甲長見他
摳死了誆騙鬼，齊來拿他，他又輪起利爪來，摳的個個皮開，人人血流。甲保不能
擒他，逼的來縣中稟報。縣尹正在堂上，甲保上前稟道：“小的系地方甲保。適有
個摳掐鬼，把個誆騙鬼摳死。某等拿他，他的十指如鉤，竟將小的們摳的不能拿住
。望老爺速差快皂去拿，稍遲恐他逃了，人命關天，帶累小的們。”縣尹聽了大怒
，吩咐兩班快手並值日皂隸：“火速拿來見我。”去不多時，祇見都抱頭而來。縣
尹問道：“怎麼你們這等模樣？”皂隸稟道：“那摳掐鬼實是厲害，小的們奉了鈞
命前去提他，他輪開利爪，逢著的便傷，遇著的便裂，小的們不能進前，還乞老爺
調些兵馬去擒他。”縣尹搖頭道：“非也，量他一人如何敵的你們許多快皂？我想
此人絕非人類，定是妖邪，所提兵馬，去也無益。必須你們訪個有法力的高人來稟
我，方可除他。”皂快道：“小的們不知有法力的在何處，必須老爺出張告示招募
，那有法力的人自然來應命了。”縣尹見說的有理，真個出了一張告示，上寫道：
　　本縣正堂，為除邪逐祟，以救生民事。照的光天之下，難容魑魅橫形，化日之
中，未許魍魎弄術。是以律有明條，師巫猶將禁止，況顯為民害者耶？近來本縣不
德，不能正化民，以致妖邪作祟，竟有妖邪摳掐鬼者，具虎狼之心，恃摳人之術，
心如毒蛇，遇之者家敗人亡。手似鋼鉤，當之者肉枯髓竭。若不早為拘除，勢必多
遭毒害。為此示仰合邑軍民人等知悉，或有斬邪之勇，或有拿妖之法，或己不能而
轉荐他人，或此處無有而求之別縣，果能除害安民，本縣不惜重賞，務期合力同心
，不可自貽伊戚。特示。

　　告示纔掛出來，常言道：無巧不成話，恰好地溜鬼過來，見眾人圍著觀看，他
也挨入人叢中，看時，是張招法師要除摳掐鬼的告示。地溜鬼道：“這有何難？”
眾人問道：“你能斬鬼麼？”地溜鬼道：“我雖不能，卻能請個斬鬼人來。”於是
簇擁著地溜鬼來見縣尹。縣尹升堂，問道：“你有何術可以斬鬼哩？”地溜鬼道：
“小人不能斬鬼，小人知道斬鬼的人，姓鍾名馗，是天子封為伏魔大神的，領著一
個司馬、一個將軍、三百陰兵。老爺要除此惡鬼，料想非他不能。老爺這邊差人同
小人去請來可也。”縣尹大喜，賞了地溜鬼五十兩銀子，差了兩個快手跟著地溜鬼
飛也似請去了。

　　卻說鍾馗打發了討吃鬼，其時又是中秋天氣，金風瑟瑟，玉露零零，昔顏潛庵
有詩為證：
　　金風蕭瑟楚天長，人世光陰屬渺茫。
　　田舍稻炊雲白滑，山園霜熟木奴香。
　　雁傳歸信天河遠，蛩訴離愁夜正長。
　　況是江山搖落後，閑居潘鬢漸蒼蒼。

　　鍾馗領著陰兵緩緩而來，一路上見了些衰柳啼鴉、涼風驚雁。正行之際，忽見
三人攔道跪下，鍾馗問道：“汝等有何話講？”一人跪上前來，說道：“小人是地
溜鬼。”鍾馗道：“俺專要斬鬼，你怎麼敢來？”地溜鬼道：“小人名雖為鬼，卻
不害人。今日來正要請老爺斬鬼。”遂將縣尹敦請之意稟上。鍾馗甚喜，吩咐兩個
快手先回，然後叫地溜鬼引路，不到縣衙，竟尋摳掐鬼去了。

　　且說那摳掐鬼得了誆騙鬼的東西，將誆騙鬼摳死，又摳了保甲、皂快，知道縣
尹不肯與他干休，他又招了許多會摳掐的人當小兵兒，反上鷹鼻山去做起大王來了
。地溜鬼早已知道，引著鍾馗竟到鷹鼻山下。小卒報上山來，道：“山下有個鍾馗
，領著兵將，紮住營寨，口言要斬大王”。摳掐鬼聽了大怒，急速齊整，拿了一條
鐮銀棍，沖下山來。這壁廂富曲出馬，舞刀相迎。兩個鬥了頓飯時辰，不分勝負。
摳掐鬼丟了鐮銀棍，輪起爪來，向富曲臉上亂摳，富曲遮架不住，敗回陣來。鍾馗
見富曲滿臉帶血，問道：“怎麼這等狼狽？”富曲道：“果然摳得厲害，從來未見
此等惡鬼。”鍾馗大怒，提劍而出，那摳掐鬼又拿棍來迎。這一場好殺：

　　鐮銀棍不離耳畔，青銅劍祇在眉峰。那一個說：“俺摳死了誆騙鬼，與你何幹
？”這一個說：“俺奉了唐王命，專斬妖精。”那個說：“俺輪開十個指，人人膽
顫。”這個說：“俺舞著一口劍，個個心驚。”那個說：“俺和你誰走了，不算好
漢。”這個說：“俺和你誰勝了，纔算將軍”。正是：兩家費盡千般力，試看何人
立大功。

　　那摳掐鬼左伎右俉，看看遮架不住，丟了棍，伸出爪來。鍾馗知道他的厲害，
虛晃一劍，且回本陣，那摳掐鬼又得勝而回。咸淵道：“看他所恃者，唯是十指。
何不將涎臉鬼的那副臉戴上，他自然摳掐不動，斬他有何難哉。”鍾馗道：“是了
。”忙將臉戴上，又出陣來。那摳掐鬼也不拿鐮銀棍了，但憑十指來摳。不料此臉
堅厚異常，怎能動得分毫，反將十指頭摳的鮮血長流，不能施展，祇得縮回手去。
鍾馗大喝一聲，舉劍照頭砍來，摳掐鬼無法支持，逃回山上去了。小卒兒見他們的
大王逃了。正是蛇無頭而不行，鳥無翅而不飛，也就都四散了。那摳掐鬼自料不能
得生，關上寨門，點起火來，自焚而死，纔知道他是個閉門子火燒殺的。於是地溜
鬼飛報與縣尹，縣尹大喜，率領百姓來迎請鍾馗。鍾馗不好推辭，祇得來到衙門，
祇見堂柱上掛著一付對聯，上寫著：
　　百里清風回綠野，一簾明月照琴堂

　　其時早已設下筵席，鋪墊的十分整齊。縣尹把盞，讓鍾馗坐了正席，咸淵左席
，富曲右席，縣尹下席奉陪。戲子捧上戲單，請鍾馗揀戲。鍾馗揀了一出《關聖斬
妖》，戲子扮演出來。先是周小官唱了一套，請道士來書符念咒，念出一個妖精。
那妖精將道士打去了，恰好呂純陽走過來，看見妖精厲害，發起碟文，請將關夫子
來，周倉捉住妖精，關夫子斬了。縣尹看到此處，道：“大人今日斬鬼，不亞關夫
子矣。”鍾馗道：“大人請俺至此，也就是那呂純陽了。”縣尹稱富曲道：“富將
軍可算得周倉”。富曲道：“不然，不然，他將俺摳得滿臉流血，祇好算道士罷了
。”滿座皆大笑。席終，鍾馗就要辭去，縣尹再三款留，說道：“下官有一座小園
，屈尊大人盤桓數日，也不枉下官敦請一場。”鍾馗祇得應允。

　　縣尹邀進園中，祇見四壁粉牆，中間三間敞庭，庭後一株絕大松樹，綠蔭掩映
，瀟灑清幽，庭中擺設的極其雅致。賓主坐定，鍾馗見天然幾上放著兩卷詩稿，取
來展玩，卻是詠秋風、秋月、秋山、秋水四景的絕句兩卷。俱是一個題目，一樣韻
腳，先將一卷從頭展玩。那詠秋風的是：
　　金風蕭瑟逗窗紗，鳥雁排空影欲斜。
　　今夜愁多應有夢，不知吹去到誰家？
　　那詠秋月的是：
　　清風清夜沐清光，散盡天香桂影長。
　　願借嫦娥消寂寞，好來窗下舞霓裳。
　　那詠秋水的是：
　　丹楓搖落晚煙多，雨後涼風細細波。
　　竊愛澄鮮如俊月，每臨秋水憶嬌娥。
　　那詠秋山的是：
　　白雲飛去復飛來，霜葉如花未經開。
　　最喜謝安高致好，擬逢仙女到天臺。

　　鍾馗看畢，道：“此卷才質雖好，但口角輕狂，必放達不羈之人也。”又看那一
卷，祇見詠秋風的是：
　　秋日風來不用紗，街頭搖蕩酒旗斜。
　　舞弓坐後情猶在，結伴還須詠到家。
　　那詠秋月的是：
　　明月逢秋分外光，天香先佔一支長。
　　嫦娥若肯垂青睞，脫去蘭衫換紫裳。
　　那詠秋水的是：
　　源泉有本水偏多，每到秋來不起波。
　　孺子濯纓夜到此，豈容盥手映嫦娥。
　　那詠秋山的是：
　　萌櫱纔生人又來，秋山所以少花開。
　　年來王道無人講，松柏焉能似五臺。

　　鍾馗看畢，掩口而笑，道：“好個糟腐東西，令人可厭。”縣尹道：“大人眼力
不差，這是下官作養的兩個童生。那卷輕狂些的，才思倒也還看得過。祇是做為人浮
蕩，每每縱情於花柳之間，全無中規中矩的氣象。”鍾馗道：“看他那詩，每首後二
句，其人便可知矣。”縣尹又道：“這卷糟腐的為人，與那個大相反，開口就講道學
，舉止俱要安祥，更可笑者，即出恭之際，猶必整其衣冠，雖冒雨之時，未嘗亂其腳
步。至於世態人情，一毫不懂。所以同社人送了他們兩個美號，一個叫做風流鬼，一
個叫做糟腐鬼。”鍾馗道：“祇罷了，孔子云：不得中行而與之，必也狂狷乎。中行
原是難得的，古今以來能有幾人。”

　　正說之間，外面傳鼓，送進一紙狀子來。你道這狀子是誰的？原來是丟謊鬼與誆
騙鬼自從分開銀子，他也就做起生意來，買了兩個小廝，一個叫做捕風，一個叫做捉
影。又替他尋了兩個伙計，一個是梁山泊上時遷的祖宗，生得毛手毛腳，慣會偷人，
叫做偷屍鬼﹔一個是戰國時祝駝的後代，生得伶牙俐齒，專一賴人，叫做急突鬼。這
兩個自從入了鋪子，就打起順起風旗來，偷屍的偷屍，急突的急突。一日，也是該有
事，這偷屍鬼正將一錠銀子往褲襠裏塞，恰好教捕風觀見，不好當面識破，祇得告與
主人去了。丟謊鬼尚在疑信之際，過了幾日來到鋪中查驗，果然沒了許多東西，且有
許多長支賬目。丟謊鬼問急突鬼道：“東西沒了大半，怎麼還有許多長支賬目？”急
突鬼道：“長支是我使了，日後我慢慢還你。若是不還你時，教半天裏馬踏死。”說
罷，搖著扇子，反憤憤不平去。丟謊鬼見這等光景，待要打他，又怕與誆騙鬼一般吃
了虧，前車已覆，不敢再行，祇得忍氣吞聲。回來想道：“此事祇得到官。”於是尋
了一個代書，羅了幾壺好酒，又送了五錢銀子，祇要寫得厲害，聳動官府。那代書也
不管他是虛是實，問了大概，寫成狀子，他就遞進去。縣尹同著鍾馗看那狀子時，上
寫著是：
　　告狀人丟謊鬼，為明火劫財殺人無數事：因某一生謹慎，並不妄為。齒積三月有
餘，得銀五千兩，指望創業垂後，以為子孫萬代之計。不料，命蹇時乖，忽有偷屍鬼
與急突鬼，以狼虎之心，恃鯨吞之術，托名為伙計，實是盜賊，竟於某月某日，明火
持刀，竟將家劫去。竊思財為養命之源，彼既劫去，我身必亡，數十性命一時俱斃。
似此罪惡滔天，王法安在？伏乞仁明老爺，速剪元兇罪，以救良善。倘蒙俯追獲准，
終身頂感無既矣。為此哀鳴上告。

　　縣尹道：“這狀子有些不實，既是伙計，怎麼又稱盜賊，豈有伙計做明火之事乎
？其中必有緣故。大人少坐，待下官問來。”鍾馗道：“容俺在煖閣後聽聽何如？”
縣尹道：“如此最好。”於是打點升堂，喚進丟謊鬼來，問道：“你這狀子可是實話
麼？”丟謊鬼道：“小人從不說謊。”縣尹道：“你三月有餘怎麼就齒積五千兩銀子
？”丟謊鬼道：“其間有個緣故，小人別無他能，惟憑謊嘴度日。有一個耍碗鬼與小
人交好，小人費了許多脣舌，整說了三個月，方纔騙得他這五千兩到手，豈不是齒積
麼？”縣尹聽了，已是大怒，又問道：“他兩個怎麼明火你來？”丟謊鬼道：“他們
與小人算帳，算得黑了，點起燈來，豈不是明火？他將小人銀子偷的偷、賴的賴，豈
不是劫財？”縣尹道：“你說殺人無數，這又有何指實？”丟謊鬼道：“他將小人的
銀子劫去，小人勢必餓死，若小人有這銀子，娶下幾房妻妾，生下幾個兒子，兒子娶
下媳婦，又生下孩子，一輩傳一輩，休說數十，就是數百也未見得？今日，將小人餓
死，斷了種子，是餓死小人一人，就如餓死無數性命的一般，豈不是殺人無數麼？”
縣尹見他滿口胡言，恰要打他，鍾馗從煖閣後大怒而出，手起劍落，早已發付他陰司
裏丟謊去了。縣尹見當面殺了，未免有些驚訝，鍾馗道：“大人不必驚訝，這樣人殺
了痛快。那偷屍鬼與急突鬼也還得叫來審審，好結此案。”

　　縣尹於是抽了一支籤，差了兩名快手，當時把偷屍鬼、急突鬼捉到。鍾馗與知縣
也就並坐當堂，看他審問。知縣叫上偷屍鬼來，問道：“你為甚麼偷盜丟謊鬼的銀子
？”偷屍鬼道：“小人並沒偷，祇是暗中拿些東西，不肯教他知道便了。都是他誣賴
小人。”捕風、捉影上來，道：“小的們是原告手下人，小人們親眼看見他們偷。老
爺不信，他身上還帶著偷上的東西哩”。縣尹令人教搜，果然搜出許多東西來。縣尹
大怒，向鍾馗道：“此人何以發落？”鍾馗道：“好偷東西，是兩手之過，將他雙手
去了，他再不能偷了。”縣尹道：“大人斷的是。”遂吩咐將偷屍鬼兩手剁了。又叫
上急賴鬼來，道：“你如何急瀆他的銀子？從實招來。”急瀆鬼道：“老爺聽稟，小
人從不胡賴人，祇因使下些長支，小人滿口應承，限三限還他，他祇是不依，說小人
賴他？”縣尹道：“是怎麼的三限？”急瀆鬼道：“現有立下文書在此。”於是雙手
捧上。縣尹看時，上寫著：“頭一限，王母娘娘轉了漢。若是轉了時，再到第二限，
天上星星看不見。若看不見了，再到第三限，河裏魚兒變成雁。若是變過了，一總不
見面。”縣尹拍案大怒，道：“這等你還不是賴他麼？”鍾馗道：“此人之舌反正不
一，祇將他舌頭割了就是。”於是也依法行了。縣尹與鍾馗退堂。合邑百姓深感鍾馗
除害安民之德，遂立起祠堂來，鳩工庀村建蓋不題。

　　且說鍾馗與縣尹閑談之際，地溜鬼又來稟見。鍾馗叫進來，問道：“汝等又來何
幹？”地溜鬼道：“小人打探得西邊有兩個鬼，十分可憐，請老爺安撫。”鍾馗便辭
別縣尹要行，縣尹挽留道：“大人不必性急，過了幾日從容去何妨？”鍾馗道：“大
人盛情，感謝不盡，俺恨不得常常聚首，朝夕領教。奈何天子命俺遍行天下，以斬妖
魔，若祇管因循，豈不怠玩君命，曠官廢職乎？”知縣道：“適纔所說之鬼，不過祇
用安撫，何必勞大人親往？且勞司馬一行，大人在此坐鎮便了。”咸淵道：“大人吩
咐，俺就去走一遭，主公寬心坐候可也。”於是領了一半陰兵，與地溜鬼走了。鍾馗
剛剛坐定，見蝙蝠又向東飛去，鍾馗道：“奇哉，難道東邊又有鬼麼？”縣尹道：“
大人何以知之？”鍾馗道：“俺這蝙蝠，但是有鬼的所在，他就知之。所以俺離他不
得，他是俺一員向導官。如今他向東飛去，必定東邊又有鬼也。俺少不得要走一遭了
。”縣尹道：“此亦不必大人親往，咸司馬往西邊去了，再勞富將軍往東邊去，何如
？”鍾馗向富曲道：“也罷，大人吩咐，你就去看看如何。”富曲得了鈞命，將那一
半陰兵，領上去了。有分教：
　　五鬼欺心，半夜三更鬧舍命。
　　鍾馗無伴，少靴沒帽受迍遭。
　　要知端的如何，且看下回分解。

第七回 對芳樽兩人賞明月　獻美酒五鬼鬧鍾馗

　　詩曰：
　　莫笑拘迂莫恃才，兩般都費聖人裁。
　　迂儒未必扶名教，才子還能惹禍胎。
　　好色牆邊人不知，貪杯林下鬼偏來。
　　請君但看鐘南老，纔入迷途事事乖。

　　且按下富曲率領陰兵往東邊去的話不題。單表那風流鬼生得秉性聰明，人材瀟灑
，也能吟詩，也能作賦，雖不能七步成章，絕不至抓耳撓腮，且說風流倜儻，不拘小
節，因此上四海有名。所以伶俐鬼離了無恥山前來投他，他一見如故，便以兄弟呼之
。一日正是八月中秋，東洋大海推出一輪明月，清光十分可愛，風流鬼道：“今宵皓
月依人，我們何不請糟腐鬼來與他賞月？”伶俐鬼道：“賞月雖好，奈他非賞月之人
，恐他有負清光。”風流鬼道：“不然，你我二人對酌，似覺索然，請他來作個弄物
取笑，有何不可？”於是便使了一個小童去請，許多一會方纔得糟腐鬼來。

　　那糟腐鬼作了揖，問風流鬼道：“小弟正在讀書，盛駕召小弟。侍駕而來，不知
吾兄有何見諭？”風流鬼道：“小弟見月色甚佳，故邀吾兄來同玩。”糟腐鬼道：“
吾兄差矣，古人囊螢映雪，尚要讀書，如此明月不讀書，豈非不可惜時光乎？且是月
者陰之精也，有何可玩？如月可玩，那日也可玩了，吾兄何不攜酒一壺，對了紅日賞
玩起來？孟子云：月攘一雞。即以為盜者，尚不負時光，況吾輩功名未就之老童生乎
？”一席話說得風流鬼兩耳聽了，便道：“吾兄數日不見，益發糟腐至此。人生在世
，花朝月夕不可錯過。古人秉燭夜遊，正為此耳。兄不聞唐明皇上元之夜，隨羅公遠
步入月宮，親見仙娥素女舞於丹桂樹下，至今傳為美談。我們雖不如明皇，亦不可辜
負了嫦娥的美意，吾兄何其拘也。”那糟腐鬼反呵呵大笑道：“這話可為荒唐之至而
無以復加也。《中庸》云：日月星辰系焉。這個月就如水晶珠一般系在空中的，那裏
有嫦娥？有甚仙女？不過文人弄筆，造此無根之談耳。所以孟子云：盡親書，則不如
無書。”風流鬼道：“據兄講來，月是繫在空中的了。不知還是麻繩，還是鐵索？何
處縛結？何處拉扯？請道其詳。”糟腐鬼道：“兄何不通之甚也？若上天沒有縛結處
，那女媧氏煉石補天，卻從何處補起？這等看來，天上定是有人有物，怎麼縛繫不住
。”風流鬼見他滿口酸腐，又欲與他辨白，伶俐鬼捏了一把，風流鬼會意思，不言語
了。讓得糟腐鬼吃了幾杯悶酒，悵悵而回。不料，回至家中不多幾日，頭上生了一個
大瘡，膿血並流，流成個深窟。請醫看視，醫曰：“已糟透頂了，不中用了。”果然
從此嗚呼哀哉，此是後話表過不題。

　　且說風流鬼送得糟腐鬼走了，對伶俐鬼道：“好個腐物，倒把我們興致滅了。”
伶俐鬼道：“我說不該請他來，此人祇須束之高閣，豈可與他共其風月。”風流鬼道
：“我們不然，趁此月色閑步一回，如何？”伶俐鬼道：“極好。”於是二人攜手同
出門來，遊了幾道街巷，祇見一帶粉牆，半邊一座小門半掩半開，乃是一個花園，十
分幽雅，裏邊悄無人聲。二人看得心癢，慢慢的挨進門去。垂楊之下，一灣清水，水
上一座小橋，過的橋來，又是荼?架、芍藥欄、木香亭、牡丹臺。綠蔭深處，有一塊
太湖石，二人坐在石畔，對著月色，看那花枝弄影，樓閣垂陰，正在清爽之際，祇聽
得“呀”的一聲，二人抬頭看時，重牆裏一座高樓，樓上窗櫺開處，現出一個女子。
常言道：月下看美人愈覺嬌媚，那女子似有欲言難言、欲悲不悲之狀。這風流鬼看見
，早已一片癡心，飛上樓去了。伶俐鬼道：“觀此女子情態，絕非端正者。吾兄素有
天才，何不朗吟一首打動他？”風流鬼真個高吟道：
　　風微櫺靜月高空，石畔遙觀思不窮。
　　想是嫦娥憐寂寞，等閑偷出廣寒官。

　　那女子聽得有人吟詩，低頭一看，見風流鬼儀容瀟灑，舉止飄逸，十分可愛。心
下就有于飛之願了。祇因礙著伶俐鬼在旁，不好酬和他的詩句，祇得微笑一聲，將窗
子掩住了。風流鬼已魂飛魄蕩，恨不得身生兩翼，飛在那女子身旁作一塊兒。伶俐鬼
道：“咱們回去罷，倘有人來，不當穩便。”風流鬼無奈，祇得緩步而回。那一晚捶
床搗枕，翻來覆去，如何睡得著，於是又作詩一首道：
　　寂寂庭陰落，樓臺隔院斜。
　　夜涼風破夢，雲靜月移花。
　　魂繞巫山遠，情隨刻漏賒。
　　那堪孤雁唳，無奈到窗紗。

　　次日起來，發寒潮熱，害起木邊目、田下之心了。伶俐鬼道：“吾兄何以若此？
想是昨夜冒風了，如不然服些藥，表表汗。”風流鬼嘆口氣：“我的病非藥可治。若
要好時，除非昨夜那美人充了太醫……”伶俐鬼笑道：“這等說來，吾兄竟害上相思
了！”風流鬼道：“那等一個美人，相思焉能不害？”伶俐鬼道：“吾兄此病，祇怕
空害了，既不知他姓名，又不知他行徑，兄雖如此慕他，這段深情怎麼令他知道？”
風流鬼道：“我也知道無益，但此心戀戀，終不能釋。如果姻緣無分，老兄索我於枯
魚之肆矣。”說罷，哽哽欲哭。伶俐鬼暗想道：“這件事我若不與他周全，若真個相
思了，豈不辜負他愛我之意。”於是想了一會，說道：“兄何不寫一封書，備陳委曲
，弟去送與那美人，或者他憐你，嫁你也未可知的。”風流鬼道：“人說你伶俐，如
何這等冒失？我們與他非親非友，這書怎麼送？豈不惹禍招災？”伶俐鬼道﹔“我自
有法，必須如此如此，既不教他知道我們姓名，又顯是我們送書。祇要美人得了書，
或有意，或無意，自然明白了，何至於惹禍加災？且是昨夜我看他那光景，亦是有愛
你的意思，此去必有好音，你祇管放心寫起書來就是。”那風流鬼大喜，道：“老弟
果然伶俐，所謂名不負其實也。”於是欣然提起筆來，展開花箋，磨起濃墨，寫道：
　　“昨夜園林步月，原因瀟灑襟懷，敢曰廣寒宮裏遽睹嫦娥面乎？不意美人憐我，
既垂青眼，復蒙一笑，何德何能，愛我至此？天耶，人耶？亦姻緣之素定耶？自蒙盼
以來，量減杯中，魂消臉上，恨填心下，愁鎖眉端。無心於耨史耕經，有意於吟風弄
月。雲氣重重，盡化成胸中郁結，風聲颯颯，都變作口內長吁。然昨夜之憐我者，皆
今日之害我者也。吁嗟乎，天臺花好，阮郎無計可拔。巫峽雲深，宋玉有情空賦。神
之耗矣，傷如之何？伏祈垂念微軀，急救薄命。西廂月下，少分妙趣於張郎。銀漢橋
邊，熟睹芳姿於織女。專望回音，慰我渴念！不宣。外並前詩奉上，此希玉音。”

　　風流鬼就書與詩寫就，付與伶俐鬼。伶俐鬼買了許多翠花，扮成貨郎，依著舊路
，走到花園門首。搖著喚嬌娘，東蹴至西，西蹴至東，蹴來蹴去的。蹴的美人上樓來
了，使梅香叫進園中，要買翠花。伶俐鬼不勝之喜。梅香道：“有好大翠花，拿一對
來俺小姐要買。”伶俐鬼道：“有有有。”便將那書包了一對翠花，遞與梅香。梅香
拿上樓來，那小姐展開包兒，見是一幅有字花箋，細看時卻是一封情書，後隨那首絕
句，情知是昨夜那人了。這女子本來有意，又見此書寫的字字合情，言言滴淚，如何
不動心？於是向梅香道：“我忽然口渴得緊，你且烹茶去。”將梅香伎俉去了。這樓
上文房四寶俱全，擺設便宜，遂忙取一幅花箋，寫成回書，又依韻和詩一首在後面。

　　剛剛寫完，梅香捧茶來了，那女子忙將原書藏起，將回書包了翠花，使梅香送與
貨郎道：“花樣不好，再有好的拿來。”伶俐鬼接住一看，掉了包來，知是回書，滿
心歡喜，說道：“花樣原也不好，待有了好的，祇管與小姐送來便是。”於是背了花
箱，欣然而回。進了門便高叫道：“吾兄恭喜了！”風流鬼正在愁悶之間，聽說恭喜
二字，精神長了一半，忙問道：“想是有些意思？”伶俐鬼道：“有有有。”笑著將
回書取出來，道：“這不是恭喜是甚麼？”二人展開細看，上寫著：
　　“妾寂守香閨，一任春色年年，久不著看花眼矣。不意天臺之戶未扃，使我劉郎
直入。樓頭一盼，遽認夙世姻緣。承諭云云，知君之念妾深也。明月有意而入窗，誰
其隔之也﹔白雲無心而出岫，風則引之矣。即蒙婚姻之愛，願定山海之盟。家君酷愛
才華，郎君善尋機會，果然繡戶相通綺戶，自爾書樓可接妝樓，幸勿謂爾家門戶重重
閉，春色緣何入得來也。謹覆。
　　外依原韻奉和，並求斧正：
　　閨情濃欲本來空，偶會園林計轉窮。
　　但願上天收薄霧，嫦娥方出廣寒官。

　　二人看了書中之言，無非是要乃翁心願，風流鬼移寓園中，就好相會的意思。風
流鬼道：“知他乃翁姓甚名誰，如何得他歡喜？”伶俐鬼道：“這有何難。那座花園
平素我們不曉得是誰家的，如今祇去左右一問便知，園主自是他乃翁無疑。他書中說
酷愛才華，自然不是糟腐鬼那樣閉門不出的死貨，定是個問柳尋花、遊山玩景的高人
。我們打聽的他到何處遊賞，便好親迎他，憑吾兄這般才華，愁他不愛？”風流鬼道
：“全伏老弟周全，愚兄不敢忘德。”伶俐鬼去不多時，回覆道：“訪著了。這花園
原來就是鄉紳尹進家的，那美人就是他的女兒。但不知他何日出門，何處去遊賞，得
我時常打探，有信便來告兄。”不想事偏湊巧，剛剛隔的一天，伶俐鬼來報信，道：
“那尹鄉紳今日要到城外東園賞菊，那東園在個僻靜處所在，地方雖狼狽，菊花卻開
得茂盛。兄速裝帶了筆硯書箱，小弟扮作書童，到那裏假作讀書等他。”於是二人先
到東園來了。果然那日尹進傍午時候騎著一頭黑驢，跟著一個小童，挑著一個手盒，
攜著一瓶美酒，走入園來。見風流鬼在那裏拿著一本書讀，人物生的風流俊爽，那尹
進已是有些歡喜，遂舉手道：“老兄在此讀書麼？此處雖有菊花，地方其實狼狽。”
風流鬼道：“聊以避俗而已。”那尹進揀了一塊潔淨的地方坐下，一雙眼祇顧看風流
鬼。伶俐鬼拿出一柄扇來，向風流鬼道：“求相公與小人畫畫。”風流鬼道：“你要
畫甚麼？”伶俐鬼道：“就畫菊花罷。”風流鬼展開扇子，幾筆畫成，遞與伶俐鬼。
尹進道：“借來一觀。”伶俐鬼連忙奉與，尹進接在手中，見畫得老干扶疏，不比尋
常匠作，滿心歡喜，道：“王維不能及也。”伶俐鬼又拿過來，向風流鬼道：“相公
既已畫了，再題上一首詩纔好。”風流鬼恃著才華，不慌不忙，將扇子那面寫起。尹
進見他運筆飛舞，又不假思索，便走過來接看，高聲念道：
　　群芳落後燦奇葩，瀟灑疑同處士家。
　　自畫自題還自賞，時時青眼對黃花。

　　喜得尹進極口稱贊，道：“王摩詰詩中有畫，畫中有詩，古今稱雄，可謂當世又
有此人也。”於是問了姓名，便邀在一處賞菊。飲酒中間，尹進道：“老夫有一小園
，頗覺清雅，足下不棄，早晚移來那邊讀書，老夫也得朝夕領教。”風流鬼連忙打恭
道：“謬蒙老先生見愛，但恐攪擾不便。”尹進道：“說那裏話，我們就是文墨相知
了，何消見外。”風流鬼謝了坐下，尹進又問些古今事跡，見風流鬼對答如流，喜不
自勝。

　　須臾，夕陽在山，各自散歸本家。尹進又叮囑移來之話，先騎驢子去了，然後風
流鬼與伶俐鬼歡喜而回。次日早起，打扮的靴帽光鮮，寫了一個晚生帖子，竟到園中
來。尹進接著大喜，於是待茶。茶罷，就安在三間亭子上，做了書房，這風流鬼何嘗
有心念書，每日祇在牆邊走來走去。一日走到太湖石畔，拾起一條汗巾，抖開看時，
上面寫著絕句一首：
　　自從消瘦小蠻腰，盼得人來慰寂寥。
　　今夜月明堪一會，莫教秋水漲藍橋。”

　　風流鬼就如拾得了活寶一般，連忙藏在袖中，眼巴巴盼到金烏西墜，玉兔東升，
看看到了黃昏時候，宿鳥驚飛，花枝弄影，柳蔭深處那女子冉冉而來。風流鬼遠遠望
見，喜不自勝，正欲上前相迎，誰想好事多磨，忽有一皂隸闖入園來，道：“相公果
然在此，老爺有急緊話要講，立等請去。”那女子見有人來，閃入角門內去了。風流
鬼對皂隸道：“我身上有些不快，明日早去罷。”皂隸道：“使不得，老爺吩咐定要
請去相公，我不敢空回。”風流鬼無可奈何，祇得隨著皂隸來見縣尹，道：“老爺喚
童生有何教渝？”縣尹道：“有一位鍾大人，見了你的詩稿，心中喜悅，今日要與你
相會相會，可隨我到花園中來。”風流鬼到了園中，拜過鍾馗，縣尹命他側坐了，鍾
馗見他舉止飄逸，卻也喜歡，祇因他那鬼名載在簿子上，未免喜中有些不足，倒也還
沒有斬他的心事。縣尹立起身來，對風流鬼道：“你陪鍾大人坐，我有件公事去辦，
辦畢就來。”說畢辭去。鍾馗與風流鬼談論些詩文，風流鬼雖心不在焉，也祇得勉強
對答。鍾馗又言及他的詩稿，道：“足下才情雖好，祇是微帶些輕薄氣象，猶非詩人
忠厚和平之旨。如今欲求面賜一章，不知肯不吝金玉否？”風流鬼道：“老大人吩咐
，敢不應命。但不知何以為題？”鍾馗想了想，道：“就以俺這部鬍鬚為題罷。”那
風流鬼滿肚牢騷，便就借此發泄，當下口吟一律道：
　　君須何以這般奇，不像胡羊卻像誰？
　　雨過當胸拋玉露，風來滿面舞花枝。
　　要分高下權尊髮，若論濃多豈讓眉。
　　拳到腮邊通不怕，戲他遮定兩傍皮。

　　鍾馗聽了大怒，道：“小小畜生，焉敢出言譏俺？”提起劍來就要誅他，那風流
鬼冉冉而退。鍾馗隨後趕來，趕至牡丹花下，忽然不見。鍾馗左右追尋，並無蹤跡，
驚訝道：“難道說鑽入地中去了？若然則真鬼也。”於是命人來掘，果然掘出一副棺
木來，棺上寫著“未央生之柩”五字。鍾馗道：“怪道他舉止輕狂，原來是此所化。
”這裏嘆息不題，縣尹聞之亦駭為異事。

　　且說伶俐鬼聽得風流鬼死於縣衙，大哭一場，說道：“我向日見楞睜大王無能，
涎臉鬼不濟，故來投他，以為托身得所。不料他又被鍾馗逼死，我當替他報仇纔是。
”於是做起那延攬英雄的事業來。一二日內就招致四個鬼來，一個叫做輕薄鬼，生當
體態輕狂，言語不實，最好掇乖賣俏，一個叫做撩橋鬼，極能沿牆上壁，上樹爬山，
就如猿猻一般﹔一個叫做澆虛鬼，一個叫做滴料鬼，也都是撩蜂踢蝎、吹起捏塌之輩
。連自己共湊成五個鬼。伶俐鬼問他四個，道：“你們知道掐摳鬼與丟謊鬼死的緣故
麼？”四個道：“祇因他兩個掐摳丟謊，所以被鍾馗斬了。”伶俐鬼搖頭道：“不然
，不然。皆因他們尊號上有個鬼字，所以鍾馗纔來斬他。這鍾馗是專一尋著斬鬼哩。
我們不幸也都有個鬼號，豈不也都在斬伐之列麼？”澆虛鬼大驚道：“我們何不逃之
夭夭？”伶俐鬼道：“不可，我們若是這等聞風而逃，豈不是惹人笑話？我打聽得那
司馬、將軍都不在他身旁，縣尹今日又與那尹鄉紳家弔喪去了。弔喪畢還要到城門去
，有甚麼查驗的事體，一二更方可回來。鍾馗獨自一人悶坐，我們打扮成縣中衙役，
去鬼混他一場。”撩橋鬼道：“尹鄉紳家有甚喪事，縣尹去弔？”伶俐鬼道：“你不
知道，祇因敝友風流鬼與他小姐有約，那小姐聽的敝友死於縣衙，他也就抑郁而死，
所以縣尹去弔。”澆虛鬼道：“那鍾馗，我們與其鬼混他，不如將他殺了，豈不是永
絕後患？”伶俐鬼道：“這個使不得。我們殺了他，他那司馬、將軍回來，怎肯與咱
們乾休？我們祇可用酒灌醉他，偷劍的偷劍，脫靴的脫靴，弄的他精腳不能走路，空
手不能殺鬼，豈不妙哉。”於是買了一壇美酒，他五個就扮作衙役，竟到園中來。

　　鍾馗正在松樹下悶坐，見他們進來，問道：“你們何幹？”伶俐鬼道：“小的們
見老爺悶坐，沽得一杯美酒與老爺解悶。”鍾馗道：“這等生受你們了。”於是將酒
用荷葉大杯奉上，唱的唱，舞的舞，笑的笑，跳的跳，把個鍾馗勸得酪酊大醉。伶俐
鬼道：“老爺酒大了，將靴脫了涼涼腳，如何？”鍾馗伸出腳來，澆虛鬼與伶俐鬼一
人一隻脫去了。得料鬼偷了寶劍，輕薄鬼偷了笏板，撩喬鬼上樹去，手扳著樹枝伸下
腳來，將紗帽勾去。弄的鍾老爺脫巾露頂，赤腳袒懷，甚是不成模樣，所以至今傳下
個五鬼鬧鍾馗的故事。

　　澆虛鬼與伶俐鬼一人拿了一隻靴往出正走，卻見富曲領兵回來。澆虛鬼看見，唬
的屁滾尿流，就要逃走。畢竟是伶俐鬼有些見識，道：“莫慌莫忙，跟我來。”於是
故意迎著富曲走，富曲認的是鍾馗的歪頭皂靴，大喝道：“這是鍾老爺的靴，你們拿
得往那裏去？”伶俐鬼不慌不忙說道：“蒙鍾老爺誅了摳掐鬼，與地方除害，百姓們
頂感不過，如今與鍾老爺建起祠堂。恐鍾老爺早晚要行，著小的們脫靴去供奉，以留
遺愛。”富曲聽了，想道：“言雖有據，事屬可疑。”道：“你們且不要走，隨我到
園中來見過鍾老爺，然後再去。”澆虛鬼聞言大驚失色，伶俐鬼正欲支吾，澆虛鬼已
是慌忙逃走。富曲大怒，命陰兵一齊拿了，索進園來。祇見得料鬼拿著寶劍，左右舞
弄。富曲大喝一聲，那料得鬼丟了就跑，富曲趕上，一刀斬了。那輕薄鬼舉著笏板，
祇管叩頭乞命。富曲手起刀落，也就揮為兩段。乃至走到鍾馗面前，卻是酩酊大醉，
跣足蓬頭，不醒人事。富曲大怒，將澆虛鬼剁為兩截，伶俐鬼摘出心肝，方纔與鍾馗
穿上靴，扣上帶，祇不見軟翅紗帽。正在四下搜索之際，卻好咸淵也來了。問其所以
，富曲說了備細，祇是不見紗帽。咸淵周圍一看，道：“要尋紗帽，多是在松樹上邊
。”撩橋鬼正在葉密所在藏著，一聽此言，便就打顫起來，將樹枝搖得亂響，富曲抬
頭看見撩橋鬼戴紗帽在樹上發顫哩。富曲手挽雕弓，一箭射將下來，取紗帽與鍾馗戴
上，那撩橋鬼已是射死了。此時鍾馗方纔酒醒，二神將適間光景說了，鍾馗未免赧顏
。這正是：
　　後花園中五鬼戲弄科頭漢，長松樹下二神整理赤腳人。
　　要知咸富二人訴說東西兩邊如何斬鬼，且看下回分解。

第八回 悟空庵懶誅黑眼鬼　煙花寨智請白眉神

　　詞曰：
　　多愁多害，寸心無奈。求天助，水或成渠，靠人扶，講難吸海。家貧須奈，家貧
須奈。你若是賭勝爭強，惹禍招災，終久有安排。少不得再整誅邪手，重施滅鬼才。

　　話說咸、富二神誅了五鬼，扶醒鍾馗，其時縣尹也就回衙了。詢問其詳，又問二
神前去斬鬼之事。咸淵道：“承大人與主公之命，到了西邊，原來是個心病鬼。他因
偶過大華山，見層岩峭壁高插雲天，山下有華陰廟宇並許多居民，他動了一點過慮之
心，恐山塌下來，壓壞居民廟宇，終日愁眉不展，面帶憂容。看看病入骨髓，小神也
不用人參、附子、宮桂、良姜，祇與他一服寬心丸，他就好了。”鍾馗道：如此怎麼
耽延許多時日？”咸淵道：“小人治好他便急急回來，路上又逢著一鬼，實實可憐，
住著半間茅庵，並無家伙在內，頭上戴一頂開花帽子，身上穿一件玲瓏衣裳，炊無隔
宿之米，爐無半星之火。更可怪者，到一家，一家就窮。走一處，一處就敗。因此人
都叫他是窮胎鬼。那些粗親俗友，都不理他，甚是可憐。”鍾馗道：“如此破敗人家
，就該殺了。”咸淵道：“殺不得，他雖如此，相交的卻是一般高人，伯夷、叔齊、
顏子、范丹、閔損、袁安，皆與他稱為莫逆。惟有錢神可惡，終年價不肯見他，因此
他做了一篇祭錢文。小神愛他做得好，抄得稿兒在此。”遂取出來，遞與鍾馗、縣尹
，上面寫著是：
　　“嗚呼錢兮，君其怪我耶？何終年未睹其面耶？君其畏我耶？何偶一見而輒去耶
？噫嘻，我知之矣。蓋予賦性恬淡，致行孤潔，無狼毒之心，無奔波之腳，無媚世之
奴顏，無騙人之長略，因致子之無由，故交予之不屑。況爾形雖圓，其性甚堅。爾心
雖方，其黨甚紆。安肯仙仙倪倪、俯首降心以從我耶？嗚呼錢兮，君之不來，我其奈
何？寒則待之而衣，飢則待之而食，親友待子而交遊，負欠待子而補足。子既不屑以
下交予，予又安得不仙仙倪倪，俯首降心，以招子乎？聞君愛飲者白醪，愛啖者雞卵
，今則有酒盈樽，有肴在豆，裁短章以祭之曰：維我錢神，內方外圓。像天地之形體
，鑄帝王之寶號。非富貴而不棲，非勤儉而不至。羨文皇之貫朽，珍重故來。嗟武帝
之藏空，侈情故耗。愛子之靈兮，神鬼可通。羨子之勢兮，爵祿可至。須動而諂者近
側，非子而誰？足舉而伺者侯門，豈我而致？然君則君子，為用大矣。今日予實是維
艱，披誠切訴，致阮籍之白眼，對子垂青。化嵇康之傲骨，逢君不怒。韞櫝而願永貯
於千年，用之則期相逢於異日。我欲常常而見，子其源源而來，唯鑒此日之殷勤，莫
計從前之疏忽。須臾祭畢，倦而偃臥，外有黃衣人揖予而言曰：‘子果能改弦易轍，
吾且引類而呼朋友矣。但子仁義尚存，廉恥未去，無致我之術，奈何？’予爽然而醒
，豁然而悟。念仁義之難忘，知廉恥之必現，起視其醪，醪尚盈樽。再視其卵，卵猶
在豆。予將醉飽以樂天，君唯唯而退後。”

　　鍾馗、縣尹道：“果然做得好。”隨問咸淵道：“此鬼如何治他？”咸淵道：“
小生欲與他請個醫生醫醫他，他祇是窮骨症候。奈何如今庸醫多而明醫少，還是小神
量其病勢，察其沉浮，與了他兩劑元寶湯，也就好了。”鍾馗道：“元寶湯奇方也！
世醫那曉得。”又問富曲道：“他治得如此，你斬的若何？”富曲道：“小神所斬之
鬼，與司馬所治之鬼大不相同。這東邊的那鬼名叫急急鬼。”鍾馗道：“名色甚奇，
你且說他本事如何。”富曲道：“那日小神領兵前去，還未扎營寨，他就殺來，祇得
與他交戰。戰了一日，未分勝負，各歸營壘。少停一刻，他也不戴盔，也不穿甲，點
起火把又來夜戰。俺二人就如張飛戰馬超得一般，殺了半夜。他見戰不過小神，竟急
得一頭撞死。”鍾馗道：“如此性急，正所謂急急鬼也。”富曲道：“這個還不為奇
。又有一個甚是異樣，俺自閱人以來，見夠有千千萬萬，從來未見他那等异眼。他黑
眼也就夠了，又跟上兩伴檔，一個叫做死大漢，一個叫做不惜人，都是一般絕頂黑的
。”鍾馗道：“這想必就是薄子上所載的黑眼鬼了，你怎麼斬他來？”富曲道：“小
神見他黑眼異常，臉也掉不過去了，怎麼斬得他？所以領兵回來。”鍾馗變色道：“
豈有此理！昔日，孫叔敖見兩頭蛇，猶恐傷人，還要斬而埋之。況此等黑眼鬼，惹得
人人黑眼，個個低頭，汝何竟輕輕放過？”說的富曲滿臉通紅。鍾馗道：“罷了，俺
明天去斬。”

　　次日早起，點起陰兵，辭了縣尹，縣尹與百姓直送至十里之外方回。鍾馗往東浩
浩蕩蕩而來，遠遠望見一座小庵，鍾馗問道：“那是甚麼所在？”富曲道：“叫做悟
空庵，小神前日曾在這裏邊住過。”咸淵道：“悟空庵想是取色即是空的意思了麼？
”鍾馗道：“正是。”須臾到了庵前，鍾馗下了白澤，進去觀看。果然一座好庵，有
詩為證：
　　紅塵飛不到，鐘罄集彌陀。
　　古柏倚丹鶴，蒼松掛碧蘿。
　　人來驚犬吠，客至遣鸚哥。
　　曲徑通幽處，禪房女色多。

　　原來這庵中住持，就是色中餓鬼。若論他的本領，到也會鑽狗道、跳牆頭，嫖得
娼婦，耍得破鞋，正所謂舟車並至，水旱兼行，不分前後，不論南北者也。鍾馗見他
舉止輕狂，就知他不是正經和尚，祇是一心在黑眼鬼身上，不暇理論他，就在庵中宿
了一夜。次日整動陰兵，要與黑眼鬼廝殺。那黑眼鬼亦整兵來迎，戴一頂黑油盔，穿
一領烏油甲，拿一對黑漆錘，騎一隻挨打虎，左有死大漢，右有不惜人。鍾馗看了他
一眼，回顧對富曲道：“我錯怪你了，此人真個黑眼異常，我也不待看他。”富曲道
：“小神試與他戰上幾合看如何？”於是提刀上馬，沖過陣去。那邊不惜人出馬，二
人戰未三合，富曲終是不待見他，拔馬而回。他祇當富曲敗了，隨後趕來。富曲按下
寶刀，拽滿雕弓，回身一箭，正中咽喉，不惜人死於馬下。黑眼鬼見射死了不惜人，
心中大怒，便欲出馬。死大漢道：“主人息怒，看區區去殺他。”黑眼鬼道：“你怎
麼稱起區區來？”死大漢道：“我幹大模樣兒？豈不是區區。”說畢拿了一條酸棗棍
，大踏步走出陣來。鍾馗舞劍相迎，祇一合，將死大漢當腰一劍，砍為兩段。正是：
　　站在陣前八尺高，跌倒塵埃兩截長。

　　鍾馗斬了死大漢，方欲回陣，祇聽得後邊一聲高叫，黑眼鬼沖過陣來。鍾馗回首
一看，黑眼色異常，且不論他的五官不正，四體歪斜，祇那副性情也與人各別。人說
好他偏說歹，人說長他偏說短，遇著斯文人，他故意顯些粗疏，遇著豪傑人，他故意
裝些精細。且不通文，偏要滿口書袋，本未貿易，偏要假充經紀。正所謂好人之所惡
，惡人之所好，自以為是，而不可與入堯舜之道者也。鍾馗本不待理他，無奈勉強交
接，戰了一合，鍾馗道：“俺委實嫌你眼黑，不戰了，饒你去罷。”那黑眼鬼聽得說
他黑眼，他就使出他的神通來，將身子縮小，故意往鍾馗眼裏直鑽，竟鑽進去了。疼
得鍾馗滿眼落淚。富曲看見大怒，要用劍往出剜他，咸淵道：“不可。古人云：投鼠
忌器。剜他恐傷著主公眼睛，我們祇得懇他便了。”於是跪在地下，再三祝贊道：“
黑眼鬼，黑眼鬼，再不敢與你賭勝爭強，再不敢與你沖鋒對壘，但願你不來理俺，俺
也再不願理你，任你縱橫施為，還買公雞謝你”。祝贊得黑眼鬼滿心歡喜，一個筋斗
去了。鍾馗揩了眼淚說：“如此黑眼，怎生是好？還求司馬想一妙計制他。”咸淵想
了一會，道：“行兵須要天時、地利、人和。為今之計，地利、人和倒用不著了，祇
是要講天時了。”鍾馗道：“天時怎麼講？”咸淵道：“天時不過是相生相克的道理
。他既叫做黑眼鬼，我們須要以白制黑，以眉壓眼，以神伏鬼方可。由此論來，須得
一位白眉神降他方好，但不知這白眉神是何職分？何處居住？”鍾馗道：“馬氏五常
，白眉最良。這白眉神想是馬良麼？”咸淵道：“也還未必。主公須出一號令，教陰
兵們暗暗四下訪問，自有下落。”於是號令陰兵訪察不題。

　　且說低達鬼自從鍾馗罰他與陰兵們吮疽舔痔，時刻不敢離營。一日一個陰兵正起
痔瘡，叫低達鬼來舔，低達鬼祇得與他舔起。正舔得有滋有味，祇見一個陰兵來說道
：“老爺有令，教訪問甚麼白眉神住處，可教我們何處去訪？”低達鬼道：“訪得何
幹？”陰兵道：“我們也不知道做甚，祇是要得甚速，說訪著了的有賞。”低達鬼道
：“這話是真麼？”陰兵道：“現有號令，怎麼不真。”低達鬼想道：“我舉出白眉
神，他說有賞，或者將功折罪，放我去了。或者因我這件功勞，升我一級也未知。”

　　主意已定，遂對陰兵道：“這白眉神我知道住處，你引我見鍾老爺，說了詳細，
好去尋他。”那陰兵連忙引低達鬼到庵前，進去稟道：“低達鬼知道白眉神下落，小
的引他來見老爺，在庵外伺候。”鍾馗大喜，叫進去問道：“你果然知道白眉神嗎？
”低達鬼道：“小人知道。”鍾馗又問道：“他是何等出身？”低達鬼道：“他的出
身小人未得查問，祇是小人當日跟著討吃鬼在柳金娘家嫖時，見他家供養的一尊神道
，眉是白的。小人問他是何神道？他說是他的祖師白眉神。因此小人知他在柳金娘家
住。”鍾馗道：“這等時，你就引司馬去請，但他不過是供養的一尊像，怎麼個請法
？”怎麼個用法？咸淵道：“既有供像，必有靈氣，既有靈氣，自能運動。待小神到
那裏問明來歷，作一篇祭文，請的他靈氣時，自然中用。”於是引了十數個陰兵，低
達鬼引道，竟往煙花寨去了。其時初冬時候，黃菊殘葉，白梅舒蕊，森森孤松當道，
青青瘦竹迎人，板橋流水作成冰，山頭上樹枝盡脫葉。
　　正行之間，飛飛揚揚飄下一天大雪，怎見得：
　　初如柳絮，繼如鵝毛。撲面迎來人眼昏花，滿道堆積，馬蹄滑溜。樓臺殿宇，霎
時間銀妝裹成﹔草木山川，盡都是玉塵鋪就。富貴家紅爐暖閣，頻斟美酒祛寒。貧窮
漢少米無柴，恨怨蒼天凜烈。映雪寒儒讀麟經，不用明燈。烹茶韻士煮雀舌，何須甜
水。正是：紛紛麟甲滿空飛，想是天邊玉龍鬥。

　　咸淵道：“如此大雪，我們到庵觀寺院借杯茶吃，避避寒冷纔好。”低達鬼四下
一看，滿眼昏迷，那裏看的出庵觀寺院來，祇得往前又走，走夠半里之遙，方見一座
小小廟宇。陰兵上前叩門，裏面走出一個道人來，陰兵道：“師傅，我們是過路的人
，因天氣寒冷，我們主人要借杯茶吃吃。”那道人睜圓怪眼，大怒起來，罵道：“你
走路也要有個眼睛，我這裏又非茶坊酒肆，我又不是你們的奴才莊客，怎麼問我要起
茶來？老爺是你們應行的不成。”這咸淵終是個斯文人，見他罵，倒反有幾分沒趣，
笑道：“無茶罷了，何必發怒。”那道人越見人軟，他就越硬起來，一跳一丈的怪罵
，把庵中閑坐人等看得有些不忿，對咸淵道：“你不知道他的脾胃，他叫做發賤鬼，
祇不知輕，磨不知重，你祇打起他來，他就軟了。”咸淵此時也忍不住怒氣，便令陰
兵將他綁在柱上，腳踢手打。他果然軟了，連忙央告道：“老爺饒了小人，休說是茶
，要飯也有。祇管著小人伺侯就是，就是不周備，再打也未遲。”咸淵笑道：“真所
謂發賤鬼也。”遂吩咐解放下來。那發賤鬼連忙作揖叩頭畢，讓到房中，先是松羅好
茶，茶畢，又是香油面茶，細面薄餅，曲盡殷勤之態。咸淵祇得擾了。他起身送出十
里外方回，自此微知輕重，稍不發賤。這也是咸淵教訓之功，按下不題。

　　且說柳金娘家自從接了賈知府的兒子，祇說是呆頭公子，肯撒漫使錢。不料慳吝
異常，住了半月有餘，止賞了兩匹小綢，三兩銀子。柳金娘倒想起討吃鬼並耍碗鬼來
。後來聽得他們窮了，方纔不想。這一日，正在門首閑坐，恰好低達鬼走來，柳金娘
道：“你一向在何處？面也不見見。”低達鬼道：“有一位鍾老爺，我一向在他那裏
。他教我引一位司馬爺來請你家白眉神，我先來報你知道。那司馬目下就到，你須小
心伺候，不可怠慢”。話猶未了，咸淵已到門首。下馬進去，坐在庭中，柳金娘過來
叩頭，咸淵問道：“你家有白眉神麼？”柳金娘道：“上面供的就是白眉神道。”咸
淵揭開幕子一看，果是一尊神像，兩道白眉。咸淵又問道：“這尊神是何出身？姓甚
名誰？”柳金娘道：“小婦人也不知其詳細，祇聽得當年老亡八說是甚麼盜跖。”咸
淵點了點頭，發付柳金娘去了，一面吩咐陰兵備辦祭品，一面就作祭文。到次日清晨
，陳設祭品，朗讀祭文道：
　　維神春秋豪傑，周末英雄，不王不帝，非伯非公。以和聖而為弟，挾大賢而為兄
。習成武藝，不樂斯文。當日，臨潼斗室，敢來劫路行兇。諸侯聞之而膽落，眾將見
之而心驚。孔仲尼不能教化，秦穆公任爾崢嶸。子胥之鋼鞭頗畏，秋胡之巧舌難伸。
暴橫一世，千載為神。生前不甘淡泊，死後享受無窮。多見些油頭粉面，常觀些綠襖
紅裙。老亡八雜劇挾目，小婊子連像鑽心。廣吃些粉湯燒餅，熟聽些胡拍弦箏。茲者
有事以乾瀆，所望聽我而顯靈，爾作當年馮婦，我作昔日陳臻。黑眼鬼猖狂難制，白
眉神本領素逞。伏維速施豪傑之氣，暫離花柳之叢，果其如響而應，尚其來格以歆。

　　剛剛祝畢，那白眉神竟跳下地來，道：“司馬請俺何幹？”咸淵道：“就是適纔
祭文中所言之黑眼鬼，敢煩足下誅之。”白眉神道：“俺放著受用之地，不在此瀟灑
，又真個做那下車馮婦耶？不去，不去。”咸淵仰天大笑，往外就走，白眉神拉住道
：“司馬何所聞而來？又何所見而去？”咸淵道：“俺聞所聞而來，見所見而去。”
白眉神道：“願司馬明以教我去。”咸淵道：“向聞將軍之名，如雷灌耳，今見將軍
，不過花柳中人耳，哺啜中人耳，不足有為，是以去也！”原來白眉神受不得人激，
暴跳起來，道：“你量俺不能誅他黑眼鬼乎？”咸淵道：“但不為耳，非不能也。”
白眉神於是整動盔甲，提了寶刀，與咸淵並馬而行。

　　進了悟空庵，鍾馗降階相迎，說道：“為此小醜，有勞大駕。”彼此謙讓坐定，
白眉神問鍾馗道：“那黑眼鬼怎生模樣？”鍾馗道：“難以形容，將軍到陣前便見。
”於是白眉神騎上馬，鍾馗騎了白澤，並立陣前，便令陰兵罵陣。那黑眼鬼騎了挨打
虎，得意而來。白眉神看了看，道：“如此而已，何足為奇。”鍾馗道：“如此黑眼
，將軍猶以為平常耶？”白眉神道：“俺在娼婦門中，見那些烏龜們享寶要草鞭，吹
鬍鬚，擅紅擅黑，姐兒們俏的還好，那些醜的，他也要噘嘴上抹了胭脂，疤臉上蓋上
油粉，肥腳上穿了花鞋，扭腰捩胯，備極醜態。偏那班子弟們反要喜他，本是打他以
為親，本是罵他以為愛。離別之時，還要三行鼻涕兩行淚。以拿犁捉耙的身品，做才
子佳人的模樣，這些黑眼俺看得稀熟，何況此區區一鬼乎？”鍾馗道：“將軍不嫌他
黑眼，便易誅了”。

　　白眉神提刀出馬，黑眼鬼舞錘來迎，戰了數合，黑眼鬼敵不過白眉神，祇得棄了
錘，跳下挨打虎來，將身一縮，往白眉神眼裏直鑽，不料，白眉神的眼是白皤皤兩隻
磁眼，鑽不進去，跌下地來挨打，虎已被富曲打死，無奈逃回洞中去了，手下鬼卒各
自逃散。白眉神急令陰兵取些柴來，將洞門燒起來。那煙都冒入洞中去，黑眼鬼存不
得身了，跳出洞中，白眉神上前拿了。此時黑眼鬼已變化紅眼鬼了，白眉神將他脖項
上麻繩套上，交與陰兵看守，與鍾馗回至庵中，擺起慶賀筵席。鍾馗問道：“將軍不
殺黑眼鬼，留他何用？”白眉神道：“俺自春秋以至今日，娼婦人家家家頂感，個個
供奉，竟如祖宗一般。俺無以為報，如今將這黑眼鬼牽去，與他家做個手下人，也算
俺一分人情。”鍾馗道：“將軍在春秋時何等英雄，為甚不建立功名，傳家立業，反
亨娼婦供奉，豈不有玷將軍乎？”白眉神道：“你知道和尚無兒孝子多麼？俺今日與
亡人做了祖師，那龜子就如俺的兒子，粉頭就是俺的女兒，每日享他些供奉，也就受
用無比，何必爬爬掙掙與兒孫作馬牛乎？”鍾馗道：“如此說來，將軍竟男盜女娼了
。”白眉神變色道：“是何言也？”於是起身，牽了黑眼鬼，與亡八家撈毛去了。這
正是：
　　黑眼鬼從此得所，白眉神到底甘心。
　　要知後來又有何鬼，且聽下回分解。

第九回 喜好色潛移三地　愛貪杯謬引神仙

　　詞曰：
　　勸爾莫貪花，貪花骨髓滅。勸爾莫戀酒，戀酒腸胃裂。腸枯髓竭奈如何？哀哉無
計躲閻羅。我今悟得長生訣，特請鍾馗斬二魔。

　　話說白眉神牽得黑眼鬼去了。鍾馗見蝙蝠不動，也就停在庵中。咸淵看些六韜三
略，富曲演些弓馬槍刀，鍾馗無事，在庵中各處隨喜，看些白衣大士，送子張仙。遊
到後殿，見一座小門用鎖鎖著，鍾馗道：“此處未有隨喜。”於是將鎖扭落，推門進
去，曲曲折折竟走夠半里之遙，方是一個小院，三間禪屋甚是清雅。揭起簾子，正面
一張金漆條桌，銅爐內焚著降香，花瓶內插著稀稀的幾朵梅花，清香撲鼻。東邊一座
衣架上搭著袈裟，西邊一張藤床上掛著紗幔，牆上一幅雪景山水畫。鍾馗正在觀玩之
際，那雪景畫軸忽然張起，伸出一個婦人頭來，見了鍾馗，又縮將進去。鍾馗一見，
心中已是明白。揭起畫軸，一個小小洞門，往裏看時，又是一座房屋，裏邊聚積數十
個婦人。鍾馗喝道：“我已識破，還不出來？”那些婦人見鍾馗威威凜凜，先是膽落
，那裏還敢躲避？都出來跪下。鍾馗問道：“你們在此何幹？從實說來。”那些婦人
戰戰兢兢，不敢應聲。一個膽大些的，跪上前來，說道：“小婦人俱是這庵中和尚收
攬。也有競作佃戶的，名雖佃戶，實是嫁和尚。也有燒香施捨的，名雖行善，實圖歡
樂。也有飢寒所迫的，名雖周濟，實來還帳。也有逃荒出去的，本為避難，也有混水
的。日積月累，所以聚積了許多。此是真情，望老爺饒恕。”鍾馗道：“如今那禿賊
那裏去了？”婦人們道：“他將小婦人們窩藏在內，不分晝夜輪流取樂，猶不足盡意
，又在外邊勾搭上許多私窠子娼婦、小官人，許久不回，丟的小婦人們七顛八倒，在
此替他守節。老爺若見他時，勸勸他須要雨露均沾，不可教南枝向暖，北枝受寒也。
”鍾馗聽了大怒道：“這伙淫婦，要你們何用？”於是一劍一個都殺了。正是：
　　悟得空時原是色，誰知色後又成空。

　　鍾馗殺了眾婦人，坐在床上恨道：“必須要除此惡物。”正在憤恨之際，地溜鬼
來了，見殺了許多婦人，情知是和尚的渾家，對鍾馗道：“總說和尚是色中餓鬼，這
個和尚真真是色中餓鬼無疑了。”鍾馗道：“來何幹？”
地溜鬼道：“小人專來與老爺查訪這色中餓鬼的落腳處，查訪得實，老爺好去斬他。
”說畢去了。鍾馗至夜定之時，還在床上坐著，等他回來便好斬他。卻說那地溜鬼出
去，穿了幾道街巷，見一個小和尚坐在一家門首，敲著木魚，念誦著都是俏冤家、王
大娘之類，上前問道：“你在此化齋吃？”那小和尚不答應，地溜鬼想道：“那色中
餓鬼定在這家，這小和尚是替他觀風的。”正行論間，那小和尚起去出恭，地溜鬼乘
著空兒溜將進去，聽的房中有笑話之聲。地溜鬼走在窗下細聽，你道聽著些甚麼：

　　不說山盟，不說海誓。這一個緊敲木魚，高聲喚救命菩薩。那一個雙拍板鐃，低
聲喚肉身羅漢。那一個金蓮高舉，恍如亂墜天花。這一個銀槍頻施，酷似點頭頑石。
霎時魂入西方，須臾遊極樂。那個的像了夾鷸老蚌，這個的成了入洞高僧。說不的未
央生坐破肉蒲團，祇是海閣梨夜宿銷金帳。

　　這色中餓鬼與那私窠子婦人，頑了一個時辰，方纔雲收雨散。婦人問道：“你今
晚回庵去否？”和尚道：“庵中住著鍾馗，甚不方便。我就在這裏歇了罷。”於是又
飲了幾杯酒，二人抱頭交股而睡去了。地溜鬼聽了這個明白，溜將出去。此時已是三
更時候，那小和尚磕睡打盹不曾看見。地溜鬼回來報與鍾馗，鍾馗也不引兵，也不領
將，也不騎白澤，提了寶劍，跟著地溜鬼竟往私窠子家來。小和尚不肯放入，鍾馗令
地溜鬼將小和尚鎖回庵去。鍾馗推那門時，卻是虛掩著哩，於是排闥直入大呼道：“
禿賊在那裏？”驚的那婦人赤條條跳下地來，不敢做聲。鍾馗撞入房中，不見和尚，
問道：“禿賊躲在何處去了？”婦人跪下道：“適纔與小婦人同睡，他又想起小伙兒
來，說去頑頑就回。”鍾馗大喝一聲，將婦人殺了，想：“他就要回來，我不免在些
等他。”鍾馗剛剛坐定，那和尚果然來了。一面往進走，一面口中說道：“親親，你
睡著了，我還有興，和你再頑頑。”鍾馗也不作聲，等他來，舉劍就砍。那色中餓鬼
吃了一驚，回身便跑。鍾馗恐他跑了，急急舉劍趕上。正趕之間，“撲咚”一聲響，
跌倒在地。正是：
　　觸天怒氣高千丈，撲地肥軀跌一堆。

　　原來醉死鬼吃了個大醉，睡在街上，黑地裏將鍾馗絆了一跌。色中餓鬼得了此空
，脫身去了。鍾馗起來看時，卻是一個醉漢在此睡了大坑。曾有個《駐雲飛》曲兒形
容這醉漢：
　　閉目搖頭，一股頑痰往外流。哇的吐一口，都是饃饃肉菜，好似狗肚盛酥油，難
消難受。反覆翻腸，不怕塵和垢，量小何須攬大甌。

　　且說醉死鬼絆倒鍾馗，鍾馗爬將起來，又要趕那和尚，卻被這醉死鬼一把拉住，
口裏喃喃吶吶罵道：“你是甚麼人？敢踢老爺這一腳。”鍾馗待要殺他，他又是一個
醉漢，祇得說道：“俺姓鍾名馗，你待怎麼？”醉死鬼道：“你是大鍾是小鍾，實告
你，俺大鍾也不怕，小鍾也不怕。”鍾馗道：“快些放手，俺要去殺人。”醉死鬼道
：“你要擲骰兒麼？俺就一點一鐘買上，任你趕老羊、起搶、夾蛋蛋、打羅羅、翻麼
、打正快、丟狗頭、拍金都不怯你。”鍾馗急得暴跳，他祇是不放。鍾馗伸起拳來，
正要打他，醉死鬼道：“你不擲骰，要猜拳麼？”於是三呀五呀吆天喝地叫個不住。
鍾馗又惱又笑，祇得盡力撒開。回到庵中，帶過小和尚來問大和尚的下落。小和尚道
：“小僧委實不知。小僧原在灰葫蘆山草包營楞睜大王手下，倒也言聽計從，甚是相
得。不想來了一個乜斜鬼，與他義氣相投，性情契合，反嫌俺奸鬼不好，因此俺心懷
不忿。聞得老爺到此。指望投了老爺，引兵剿除了他，俺那山中大王來時，老爺正與
黑眼鬼廝殺，被黑眼鬼鑽入眼中，老爺沒法，俺就起了個別圖之念。忽然遇著色中餓
鬼，他肯留我，我一者想受用他的產業，二者想謀他的老婆，所以與他做了徒弟。今
日他便混帳，俺便觀風，至於他的下落，實是不知。”鍾馗道：“你既托身與人，就
該始終如一，奈何反面事人？其罪一也。既來投我，又遲疑，其罪二也。及至那禿賊
收你，你要圖他產業，又謀他婦人，其罪三也。非奸鬼而何？”說畢，一劍斬了。忽
聽庵外吶喊搖旗，如有千軍萬馬之狀。陰兵報道：“一群醉漢不計其數，竟將庵門圍
了。為頭的自稱為醉死鬼，要與老爺見陣。”咸淵道：“此輩無大罪惡，誅之可不勝
誅。待俺上前勸他一番，再來定奪。”

　　於是走出庵來，叫醉死鬼答話。那醉死鬼東倒西歪走將過來，道：“請老爺怎麼
？”咸淵說：“你衣冠不整，廉恥不顧，沉酣於曲櫱之中，潦倒於葷之內，名教中自
有樂地，何乃爾不顧儀體。昔夷狄作酒，大禹飲而甘之，曰：‘後世必有以酒亡國者
’。國且必亡，況子身乎？譬如快斧伐枯枝，吾未見其顛撲者。”醉死鬼哈哈大笑道
：“你說俺飲酒不是麼？吾聞天有酒星，地有酒泉，人有酒緣。當日堯帝千鐘，孔子
百瓢，聖人何嘗不飲酒？至於竹林七賢，莫非飲酒為高？我朝李太白、賀知章等，皆
稱飲酒中八仙，果若飲酒不好，就該人人唾之罵之，為甚麼今人稱之頌之耶？如今俺
雖不能稱為酒仙，也甘心做了酒鬼，正是但知醉中趣，莫為醒者傳，門外漢不必多說
。”說畢，倒在地下，或高歌，或叫罵，鬧個不了。咸淵無法可制，祇得回庵對鍾馗
道：“為今之計，祇有一著，須向這邊太守講了，教他出張禁止屠沽的告示。這叫做
三日無糧不聚兵。這伙人沒有酒吃，自然散了。”鍾馗道：“說得有理。”於是整冠
束帶，騎了白澤，竟到府中來。知府接到堂上，問道：“
大人至此，有何見教？”鍾馗道：“貴府醉鬼甚多，俺欲斬他，於心不忍。敢求大人
出張告示，禁止屠沽，此輩可以不誅自散。”太守道：“大人吩咐，焉敢不從！但此
時方在臘底，非祈雨之時，怎麼禁止屠沽？”鍾馗道：“臘雪佔三白，大人何妨祈雪
？”知府道：“有理，大人請回，下官目下就出告示。”鍾馗回至庵中，知府將告示
隨即張掛出來。不及兩三日，這些人沒了酒吃，個個都醒，各自散去，祇有醉死鬼猶
然醉著。你道為何？原來他吃成了酒脾胃，無酒三分醉。他見眾人都醒了，他也起來
一步一跌，走入酒鄉深處去了。這酒鄉深處，你道如何：

　　不分貴賤，並沒尊卑。事大如天，盡數瓦解。愁深似海，一概冰消。旌旗不動酒
旗搖，何須征戰？酒馬常猜兵馬歇，若個操戈？平原督郵，應是窖前吏部﹔青州從事
，無過落井知章。中山王少不得獨尊李白，酒泉郡沒奈何還讓劉伶。不識不知，恍若
唐虞世界，如癡如夢，儼然混沌乾坤。路雖遠而頻來。祇要三杯到肚，城不關而自入
，也須兩盞穿腸。

　　醉死鬼到了醉鄉深處，祇見李青蓮、崔宗之、畢吏部、賀知章，還有山濤、向秀
、阮籍、阮咸、劉伶、稽康、王戎等，或彈琴於松蔭之下，或敲棋於竹林之中，或抱
膝長吟，或觀玩宇宙，或臨水以羨魚，或仰山而看鶴，見醉死鬼踉蹌而來，眾仙問道
：“汝是何人？至此何幹？”醉死鬼道：“小人頗能飲酒，不意醉了，干犯鍾馗，所
以逃遁至此。”眾仙道﹔“你既能飲酒，便不俗了，你何不與他講講我們酒中的高曠
，他自然另眼相覷。”醉死鬼道：“不講還好，祇因講了一番，他反禁了屠沽，弄的
俺糧草俱絕，把一伙同伴都散了。他還要惡言惡語，拿著一口寶劍，祇是要殺我，怎
麼敵得他過？”眾位酒仙大怒道：“這等可惡，我們去與他辨論一番，教他也曉得我
們飲酒的非常可比。”於是一齊離了醉鄉深處，竟到悟空庵來。鍾馗問道：“列位先
生何以至此？”李青蓮道：“聞足下甚薄我輩，特來辯之。”鍾馗道：“欲領教。”
李青蓮道：“天地者，萬物之逆旅。光陰者，百代之過客。而浮生若夢，為歡幾何？
所以說人生有酒須當醉，一滴何曾到九泉。我等花朝月夕，但以飲酒為事，博眼前之
歡娛，消胸中之塊壘。足下俗物，焉能知此酒中之趣哉？”鍾馗道：“先生愛飲酒，
誠高矣、曠矣。當日安祿山之亂，先生何不以酒退之，而反為永磷王所縛耶？向使無
子儀、光弼，先生已作楚囚死矣。上無補於國事，下無救於身家，亦惡在其為高曠乎
？”李青蓮羞慚而退。畢吏部道：“你說李青蓮飲酒無益，那《清平調》三章，何嘗
莫非酒中來者乎？足下不飲酒，請問詩稿能如青蓮否？”鍾馗道：“爾莫非槽前盜酒
兒乎？以朝庭一命官，潦倒無賴，為口腹之欲，趨狗盜之行，尚敢揚眉吐氣，向人論
乎？”畢吏部滿面通紅，不敢再說。崔宗之、賀知章一齊憤然道：“畢公盜酒，正是
文人韻事，你反以為狗盜，是何解？”鍾馗大笑道：“聖人云：細行不謹，終累大德
。若以盜酒為韻事，何非莫韻事乎？”崔、賀二人無言可答。山濤等齊聲道：“你說
飲酒敗德，古今帝王就該禁止。為甚冠婚喪祭總不廢酒？”鍾馗道：“冠婚喪祭，禮
飲也，不過三爵，豈若爾等終日沉醉，敗壞威儀？山公大節不虧，猶有可恕。至於公
等，或居喪而飲，或荷婚而飲，或緣飲而喪其身，至李核必鑽，錙銖獨擅，而猶托身
高曠，惑人聽聞，非祖士雅、陶士行諸公，安能救晉室之亂乎？祇可算名教中罪人而
已。”說得眾仙個個羞色，人人赧顏，一齊都回去了。

　　那醉死鬼那裏還敢掙挫，也跟著回去。眾仙埋怨道：“我們原是酒仙，幾乎被你
累成酒鬼。速速遠去，再休胡纏。”可憐這醉死鬼上天無路，入地無門，祇得仰前合
後，獨自一個扎掙踉踉蹌蹌。走夠多時，恰好來到草包營地方。此處非太守所管之地
，所以有酒家賣酒。這醉死鬼數日未飲，正在難為之際，一聞酒香，兩股頑涎直流出
口，連忙進去，揀副坐頭坐下。酒保提上酒來，便沒眉沒眼的吃起來，看不見坐的是
甚麼人物。三杯到肚，打點住五臟神，方纔將眼一轉，祇見那邊坐著一個風流和尚。
那和尚不住的看那醉死鬼，醉死鬼沉吟道：“看我怎麼？不要管他，且吃酒。”他是
慣了脾胃，一壺酒後就抓起糟來，恨道：“好個鍾馗，天殺的，竟將俺困了這好幾天
。俺今日吃了酒，再去和你大鬧一場。你就是金剛，也要剝你一片泥皮。”說著又哈
哈大笑道：“不要怨他，不是他教的俺禁酒，俺今日焉能到這裏吃些佳釀。”又恨道
：“如此好酒，他那司馬又勸我休吃，難道我吃了你家的麼？這樣可惡，你若知道了
這滋味，祇怕想斷你的腸子哩。”高一句，低一句，說一會，又哼哼吱吱的唱起來。
你道他唱的是甚麼？他唱道：

　　“酒呀酒，我愛你入詩腸能添錦繡，我愛你壯雄心氣沖斗牛，我愛你解愁煩掃清
雲霧，搖頭輕富貴，冷眼笑王侯。這樣的清香，鍾馗呀你為甚鄙薄酒。”

　　那和尚聽著鍾馗長、鍾馗短，由不得走過來問道：“老施主祇管怨著鍾馗怎麼？
”醉死鬼朦朧著醉眼，把和尚看了一會，道：“師傅，你不知道。前日俺醉了在街上
，正睡著在地，他將俺踏了一腳，俺將他絆了一跌。他說要殺甚麼人，因此俺調了些
兄弟們，圍住悟空庵，與他講理。他不省事，反說俺吃酒的不好。俺氣忿不過，請了
一班酒仙與他辯論。他執迷不悟，終不信神佛，倒教那些酒仙們連俺也不要了。所以
俺到了這裏自飲自唱，你問俺怎麼？想是要和我賭幾杯麼？”和尚道：“老施主原來
是我的恩人。”醉死鬼道：“俺祇曉得吃酒，並不施甚麼恩，怎麼就是你的恩人？”
和尚道：“你不知其詳細。那日鍾馗趕我，看看趕上，若不是老施主絆了他一跌，我
已作無頭之鬼矣。他說殺人，就是要殺我，虧老施主救了我的性命，豈不是恩人？”
醉死鬼焦燥道：“他為甚麼事要殺你？”那和尚欲說不說，祇是支吾。醉死鬼益發焦
燥，道：“你要說個明白，何必隱匿。”那和尚祇得實說道：“不瞞施主，貧僧生得
帶著一點色心，見了婦人就如性命一般，因此人都叫我是色中餓鬼。那日正在一個私
窠子家混帳，不知他怎麼知道，就來殺我。虧我又混小官去了，回來時婦人已被殺死
。他還等，我連忙逃走。他隨後趕來，不是施主絆倒他時，我這葫蘆已是作成瓢了。
”醉死鬼道：“該殺，該殺。一個出家人，經不念，行不修，祇要嫖婊子，倘然惹上
歹瘡，性命不保。再不然弄上一男半女，就是你家骨血，兒子便作亡八，女兒便當粉
頭，這就是你出家人積下的陰功。”和尚笑道：“那裏一下就能種胎？”醉死鬼道：
“你說不能種胎麼？你看那婊子抱的娃娃，難道自己漢子的不成？快些改了，再不可
如此。”和尚笑道：“施主說的真個醉話了。人生秉性，怎麼改得？施主說我好色，
施主為甚好酒？施主能改好酒，我也能改了好色。”醉死鬼點點頭，道：“真個也難
改，倒不如咱兩個均勻起來，將你的色分與我些，我的酒分與你些，咱兩個做了酒色
兼全的人，不要這等偏枯，惹得世人笑話。”和尚道：“講的有理。”從此兩個酒色
齊全起來。不知酒色最是齊行不得的，齊行就要傷命。

　　看官著眼，再表鍾馗辯倒了眾酒仙，唬退了醉死鬼，與咸淵商議道：“如今色中
餓鬼不知下落，我們何不先去滅了楞睜大王，再去尋他，省的耽擱工夫。”咸淵道：
“主公算計極是。”於是點起陰兵，一把火將悟空庵燒了，竟征楞睜大王而去。此時
臘盡春至，正是新正佳節，家家貼門對，戶戶掛錢章。白髮老者無語低頭辭舊歲，青
春小兒齊聲拍手賀新年。鍾馗引著陰兵往前正走，祇見道旁酒旗飄蕩，向咸、富二神
道：“咱們不免聊飲幾杯，避避春寒再走。”二神領命下馬來，鍾馗下了白澤，同入
酒店。恰好色中餓鬼與醉死鬼在那裏一遞一盅縱情暢飲。鍾馗見了大怒道：“俺祇當
你逃去了天外，原來還在這裏”手起劍落，將一個色中餓鬼打發的阿鼻地獄中念受生
經去了。醉死鬼見殺了和尚，東倒西歪的說道：“該殺，該殺。他要的人家老婆多了
。”話未了，頭已落地，死於富曲刀下。正是：
　　除去淫僧，閨中自少遊庵婦。
　　誅了醉鬼，道旁不見躺街人。
　　不知楞睜大王又是如何結局，且聽下回分解。

第十回 妖氣淨楞睜歸地獄　功行滿鍾馗上天堂

　　詞曰：
　　世人皆趨巧，老實些纔好。老實若過頭，便是現世活寶。活寶獨有正南偏惱，設
計將他害了。一概妖氣盡掃，盡掃卻虧誰，還是唐家鍾老。鍾老鍾老，這個功勞不小
！

　　且說那楞睜大王，生來朦朧，秉性癡拙，雖然尊嚴若神，卻是木雕泥塑。他正在
灰葫蘆山悶坐，迷糊老實報道：“大王，禍事到了。有個鍾馗領著許多兵將，前來征
討大王。”那楞睜大王白翻翻著兩隻眼，竟如聽不著的一般，並不回答。迷糊老實又
重說了一遍，他纔楞楞睜睜的說：“甚麼呀？”迷糊老實道：“鍾馗殺大王來了。”
他大睜著眼，把臉睜得通紅的，道：“我比你不知道。”又猛然叫乜斜鬼道：“過來
。”乜斜鬼乜乜斜斜也不理他。又有頓飯時候，又大叫道：“過來。”迷糊老實問道
：“大王叫誰過來？”楞睜大王道：“我教你打探鍾馗。”迷糊老實得令去了，乜斜
鬼乜乜斜斜纔過來。楞睜大王又道：“好奇怪，怎麼又有一個乜斜鬼了。”乜斜鬼道
：“止我一個，那裏還有第二個像我脊骨的哩。”楞睜大王又定了一會，說道：“錯
了。”乜斜鬼道：“又錯了甚麼？”楞睜大王道：“使他打聽鍾馗，錯使了你了。”
乜斜鬼道：“我在這裏，怎麼又錯使了我了？”楞睜大王看了兩眼，點點頭，道：“
又錯了。”乜斜鬼道：“錯了甚麼？”楞睜大王道：“使你打探鍾馗，錯使了他了。
”那乜斜鬼方纔領了令出來。

　 下了灰葫蘆山，出了草包營，慢慢而行。祇聽得笙蕭聒耳，十分可聽。乜斜鬼道：
“不要管他，我且在此看看。”於是走近前來，祇見一所大莊院，庭堂臺榭，蓋得著
實整齊。大門外一班樂工不住的吹打，二門外又是鼓樂。庭院內鑼鼓喧天，一班男戲
，一班女戲，一邊一句唱的起來。左邊廂房中和尚誦經，右邊廂房中道人念咒。席間
婊子斟酒，管家上菜，燈燭輝煌，照耀如同白日，人山人海，十分熱鬧。主人坐在上
面，穿著無數衣服，皮襖上又是皮襖，煖耳上又是煖耳，還恐怕穿不了，把衣裳又在
衣架上搭著。飲的酒無味不美，吃的菜無色不精。乜斜鬼心中想道：“此必是公侯人
家，不然這等奢華？”因悄悄的問眾人道：“這家老爺是甚麼人家，今日做甚事？這
等熱鬧。”那人道：“甚麼老爺，是個白丁。”乜斜鬼道：“白丁怎麼這般體統？”
那人道：“他叫做活施鬼，今日是他的生日，年三十了，念受生經哩。你看他這等活
施，家財卻也有限。今日這樣受用，祇怕明日就沒米吃了。”乜斜鬼道：“原來是一
位搗懸，沒有實落。”

　　這乜斜鬼整整看了一夜，竟忘了打探鍾馗，天明纔走回來。楞睜大王問道：“你
來了麼，鍾馗果是如何？”乜斜鬼道：“一味搗懸，沒有實際。”楞睜大王道：“如
此不足畏矣。”乜斜鬼道：“你道我說誰搗懸？”楞睜大王道：“不是鍾馗搗懸，難
道孤家搗懸不成？”乜斜鬼道：“你兩個都不搗懸，祇有活施鬼搗懸。”楞睜大王大
睜眼道：“怎麼叫你打探鍾馗，你又扯出活施鬼來了。”乜斜鬼啐了一口，道：“我
就忘了打探了。”楞睜大王氣得半日不說話。乜斜鬼乜乜斜斜呆站了半日，楞睜大王
道：“飢了。”乜斜鬼道：“飢敢吃飯。”又站了半日，方纔走到廚下，先把一盤呆
瓜菜上來，然後是一盤死狗肉，又是一碗醃雞脖子，又是一碗老羊肉，隨著一盤大饃
饃。楞睜大王正吃的受用，迷糊老實稟道：“大王快上膳，準備廝殺，鍾馗已到草包
營了。”楞睜大王吃畢飯，揩了嘴，從容問道：“鍾馗厲害麼？”迷糊老實道：　　
“手執青銅寶劍，頭戴軟翅紗帽。到處便斬妖精，不教一個餘剩。率領兵卒數百，還
有司馬將軍。須臾踏破草包營，不怕大王楞睜。”

　　楞睜大王兩眼大睜，道：“叫乜斜鬼出陣。”迷糊老實道：“他不知那裏去了。
”楞睜大王嘆道：“奸鬼與伶俐鬼在時，我嫌他們不老實，如今把乜斜鬼又走了，這
該怎處？”睜了一會，少不得披盔貫甲，出來接戰。這邊富曲出馬問道：“你就是楞
睜大王麼？”原來這楞睜大王他有樁絕妙本領，任你罵他、啐他、打他、殺他，他總
是瞪了一雙白眼，半聲不出。富曲問之再三，並不回答，富曲大怒舞刀砍來，他分毫
不動。富曲大奇，不知他是何伎倆，不敢動手，祇得收回刀來，勒馬歸營，報與鍾馗
。鍾馗道：“這又奇了。”於是提著寶劍沖出陣來，試去砍他。他果然分毫不動，就
如泥塑木雕的一般。鍾馗想道：“此人必有異術，不可輕犯，且回去再處。”於是帶
轉白澤，回到營中，對富曲道：“我想此人，他的身子不怕槍，必與涎臉鬼的臉無異
，定是個殺不了的﹔不然何以這樣不怕刀劍？必須要想個法子制他纔好。”地溜鬼走
上前來道：“小人去將他頭上栽一尾大炮，點燃將他震死，如何？”鍾馗道：“就如
此去試試看。”這地溜鬼拿了一尾大炮，往他頭上去栽，他也祇是不動。地溜鬼將炮
點燃，一聲響就如山崩塌之狀。看那楞睜大王，不但未曾震死，益發成了個睜頭了，
更覺端正。咸淵道：“這樣人，殺他也污了俺的名目。祇須將他身後掘一深坑，我們
暫且回兵，留下地溜鬼看守。他見我們去了，他自然回去，將他陷在坑中，活埋了就
完帳。”於是差遣陰兵在他背後掘了深坑。

　　那楞睜大王祇顧在那裏睜著兩隻白眼，那裏管身後消息？鍾馗安排停當，留下地
溜鬼打探，撥轉陰兵往後而退。遠遠望見一所莊院，甚是闊大，鍾馗道：“俺們就在
此駐馬。”於是竟進莊院來。你道這莊院內住著何人？原來就是活施鬼。他慶畢生辰
，果如人言，次日便沒了使用。和尚、道士、戲子、樂人、吹手都來要錢，少不得將
煖耳、皮襖、衣服等項一並當賣，還了眾人，止留下幾件紗衣。此時鍾馗已到門首，
他沒奈何，穿了出來迎接，但見﹔
　　頭戴紗巾，身穿紗服。頭戴紗巾，冷颼颼自然拘縮。身穿紗服，顫巍巍勉強搖擺
。輕綃遍體，乍看猶類窮酸，雞粟滿身，細睹渾如病鬼，縕袍不恥，未必有子路高風
。春服既成，何曾是曾參氣象。彎其腰而抱其腹，病於夏畦。流其涕而掇其肩，惟愛
冬日。

　　鍾馗問道：“如今雖然立春，天氣尚寒，足下為何穿起紗衣來？”活施鬼道：“
既已立春，何如穿不得？”鍾馗道：“既是穿得，為何打顫？”活施鬼道：“這樣寒
天，如何不打顫？”鍾馗哈哈大笑，笑的活施鬼大怒起來。你道為何就這等大怒？祇
因他慶賀生辰，賃下這所大莊院，以便宴賓作戲，早上房主來趕他騰房，又被那些鼓
手人等吵鬧要錢，將些衣服變賣了。他是好體面的人，此時穿上紗服見人，已是赧顏
，正在氣惱上頭，當不得鍾馗這一笑，他所以惱羞變成怒，登時發暴起來，道：“你
是甚麼人？敢沒頭面來笑話我。”一頭竟撞將去，不想他用得力猛，鍾馗往開一閃，
撞到牆上，腦漿進流，竟撞死了。鍾馗正在驚訝之際，陰兵來稟道：“外邊捉住一個
奸細，候老爺發落。”鍾馗叫帶進來，幾個陰兵簇擁著乜斜鬼當庭跪下，鍾馗道：“
你是何處來的？”乜斜鬼道：“小人是灰葫蘆山草包營來的，楞睜大王昨日使小人打
探鍾馗，小人昨日在這邊看唱，就忘了。今日忽然想起來，又來打探。但不知這鍾馗
是黑的，是白的，在東在西。老爺們若見時，告小人知道，不然空回去，大王又稱小
人不中用。”陰兵皆笑，包斜鬼道：“不要笑的，這是實話。”陰兵罵道：“瞎眼賊
，現在鍾老爺面前跪著，還要瞎說”。乜斜鬼聽說是鍾馗，爬起來就跑。富曲大喝一
聲，砍倒在地，再也不乜斜了。正是：
　　生來大號既乜斜，死後尊稱難脊骨。
　　料想陰司也不用，轉來山後作呆鹿。

　　再表楞睜大王。自鍾馗去後，他還祇管站著，忘了回去。地溜鬼等得心發火，定
了一計，假充迷糊老實，過去稟道：“大王餓了，請回進膳罷。”楞睜大王道：“那
鍾馗再不來了麼？”地溜鬼道：“不來了。”楞睜大王點點頭，轉身子要走，大跨一
步，道：“不好了，孤家跌下去了。”話猶未了，一聲響亮，落入坑裏。地溜鬼飛報
與鍾馗，鍾馗領兵復來看時，祇見那楞睜大王在坑裏邊楞楞睜睜坐著。那地溜鬼逞他
梭溜，拿了一杆槍往下便刺。誰想楞睜大王他也有不楞睜時，竟將槍杆捉住一拉，將
地溜鬼拉下土坑去。眾陰兵正欲救時，楞睜大王已是將地溜鬼坐在屁股底下壓死了。
鍾馗大怒，令陰兵急急掩土，可憐這楞睜大王楞睜了半世，至此了帳。正是：
　　三分氣在也無用，不待身亡事已休。

　　鍾馗活埋了楞睜大王，問咸、富二神道：“俺記得出陰府時，閻君付俺的鬼薄，
上面臨了一個楞睜大王。今日既滅了他，何不將鬼簿查查，看誅了多少個鬼。”咸淵
拿過簿子來，逐名細查，一個個或斬或撫，並無遺漏。鍾馗大喜道：“這等俺的功行
已滿，可以班師。”於是收了寶劍，插了笏板，果然是鞭敲金鐙響，齊唱凱歌回，浩
浩蕩蕩回陰曹地府而來。正是：
　　斬盡邪魔劍氣寒，功名歸去萬人歡。
　　閻君若問誅邪事，不比輪回一樣看。

　　鍾馗等過了奈何橋，進了枉死城，把門判官認得是鍾馗，迎入酆都城內，連忙上
森羅殿通報。此時十殿閻君正都在一處會議公事，聽說鍾馗到來，都下殿迎接。鍾馗
上前行禮，閻君笑道：“屈指一年，便已盡誅，尊神成功之速也。”鍾馗道：“托賴
大王餘威，又借咸、富二神翼贊之功，小神何功之有？”閻君讓到殿上，交拜畢，咸
、富二神過來參見閻君。此時相待也就不同先前了，於是大排筵席，鍾馗上坐，咸、
富二神旁坐，十殿閻君主席相陪。

　　飲過三巡，閻君道：“尊神誅鬼功勞，請道其詳，我等好仰奏天庭，以討封爵。
”鍾馗遂將某鬼如何斬滅，某鬼如何安撫，說了一遍，又道：“還有幾個不在簿子上
的，小神見其可惡，一並斬了。”閻君問道：“是那幾個？”鍾馗道：“是死大漢、
不惜人，以及色中餓鬼所馭的那些婦人，俱是簿子上無者。”閻君道：“尊神有所不
知，那死大漢是呂布所轉，因他雖然勇猛，卻少剛骨，所以罰他轉了這等個人，以待
尊神誅之，報他殺丁建原之罪也。那不惜人是張六郎所轉，因他生的美，人皆愛他，
故有許多淫欲之事，所以罰他轉成個不惜人的人，今世之憎他者，皆前世之愛他者也
。尊神也誅得不差。”鍾馗道：“如此說來，那些婦人想必也有些因由了。”閻君道
：“怎麼無因由？那都是呂太后、武則天、趙飛燕、楊貴妃、虢國夫人，以及賈充妻
等之類。因他們淫欲無度，所以罰他們受些飢寒，少改前過，不想猶然無恥。尊神雖
誅之，尚不足以盡其辜，俺還要罰他們變作母豬、母羊、母驢、母馬去。”鍾馗道：
“此輩不過好淫，殿下加以如此之罪，如曹操、王莽輩，我朝楊國忠、安祿山、盧杞
之徒，殿下如何處之？”閻君道：“曹操、王莽已在阿鼻獄中數百餘年，楊國忠已罰
他作牛，安祿山已罰他變豬，凡活時遭受無限之苦，死時還要一刀，剝皮剉骨，其罪
莫大，陰司自有公道，陽間不知。”咸、富二神聽說處的楊國忠、安祿山如此淒慘，
齊聲道：“善哉，善哉，我二人之恨亦消矣。”鍾馗又問道：“盧杞怎麼樣了？”閻
君道：“昨日拿到，還未判斷。”鍾馗道：“何不牽來，小神問他一問？”閻君傳下
號令，十數個猙獰惡鬼索縛而至。鍾馗見了，大怒道：“盧杞，你還認的我麼？”盧
杞抬頭一看，見是鍾馗，唬的戰戰兢兢，俯伏在地，道：“向日是天子嫌君貌醜，非
干盧杞之罪。”鍾馗大怒，拔出劍來，就要斬他。閻君道：“尊神若斬了他，反便宜
了他。看俺處治他。”命將盧杞下入油鍋，須臾皮骨皆脫。鍾馗大喜，對閻君道：“
也算陰兵們勞碌一場，將此肉賞了他們分散食之如何？”閻君依允，眾陰兵領上，踴
躍而去。閻君道：“諸惡已除，尊神宜齋戒沐浴，三日後隨俺朝見玉皇上帝可也。”
當下散席，各秉虔誠不題。

　　且說玉皇上帝一日設朝，天上朝儀與人間自是不同，怎見的：
　　黃龍繞柱，彩鳳飛檐。左金童手捧香盒，右玉女盤托明珠。盈耳笙蕭，丹墀下一
派仙樂。滿眸瑞霧，寶殿上萬道祥光。九耀星官戴著冠，束著帶，雍雍雅度。二十八
宿戴著盔，披著甲，凜凜威風。南天門下，四元帥東西列坐。玉虛殿中，十美女左右
排班。李老君騎青牛遠來朝覲，呂純陽跨白鶴忙至三呼。還有巨靈神身若泰山，端秉
金戈來直殿。更有個老壽星頭如柳斗，斜倚竹杖看朝儀。

　　當日玉皇高坐，眾天神朝賀已畢，玉皇問道：“今日乾坤朗，下界清平，南瞻部
州想必有真主麼？”眾天神未及回奏，祇見太白金星俯伏金階，奏道：“南天門外十
殿閻君候旨。”玉帝道：“宣來。”十殿閻君進朝，俯伏奏道：“臣等職司陰界，凡
有罪惡，無不秉公裁處。奈大唐有等似鬼非鬼、似人非人者，既任從所性，又加習染
，往往有犯罪之實，無犯罪之名，王法不得而加，報應無因而顯。幸有鍾馗，其人秉
剛直之氣，具文武之才，祇因生來貌醜，以致唐主屏逐。他自刎而死，唐主令他遍行
天下，以斬妖邪。臣等又助他陰兵三百，咸、富二人。咸淵有運籌之能，富曲有萬夫
之勇。到處蕩平魑魅屏跡，此皆鍾馗與咸、富之功也。臣聞有功者必蒙厚賞，伏乞陛
下封蔭賜爵，以昭獎勸。臣等不勝悚惕待命之至。”玉帝聽畢，宣三神上殿，見鍾馗
威風凜凜，相貌堂堂，咸淵儒雅風流，富曲狼腰虎體，天顏十分喜悅，傳旨：“十王
請回，朕當賜爵。”於是十殿閻君拜謝了，自回酆都去了，鍾馗等俯伏殿下候旨。須
臾，太白金星高捧玉詔，當殿宣讀：
　　“玉帝詔曰：朕維兩儀既判，三才始分，天得一而成陽，地得一而成陰，稟天地
氣屬五行。詎料風俗各異，習染成性。茲者南瞻部洲大唐國世界，人心惡孽，尤為可
憫，或浮誇而鮮實，或虛詐而不誠，或心懷慳吝，不顧子孫之悖，或任情奢侈，不惜
天地之珍，或嗜酒而亡命，或愛色以殞身。王法繩之而無據，因果報之而無憑。爾鍾
馗秉清剛之德，存正大之心，誅邪種種之不善，厥續確確其匪輕，可封為詡正除邪雷
霆驅魔帝君。咸洲有孔孟之操，建孫吳之略，可封為天樞文德翼聖真君。富曲擅賁、
育之勇，兼逢、羿之能，可封為天樞武德贊聖真君。嗚呼，妖氣既盡，仰太陽之普照
，正氣長伸，皆鍾馗之宏功。業既高於今古，爵宜冠乎天人。欽此，謝恩。”

　　鍾馗等謝恩畢，玉帝退朝。咸、富二人謝別鍾馗，俱到天樞垣赴任去了。鍾馗出
了南天門，騎上白澤，前面兩杆龍旗開道，往廟中享受香火。這廟自從斬了摳掐鬼，
眾百姓感戴，蓋得金碧輝煌，光彩耀目。五間大門，七間大殿，甚是寬敞。不但鍾馗
享受無窮，連那蝙蝠、白澤也都同受香火，且是靈驗異常，求風得風，求雨得雨，百
姓們莫不虔奉。縣尹呈祥上司，上司奏聞朝廷。德宗皇帝大喜，詔柳公權題匾一面，
石青鑲底，字貼真金，用黃綾包裹，遣禮部尚書杜黃裳、內侍魚朝恩前來掛匾。其時
轟動了鄉村，鬧動了店鎮，若大若小，若男若女，都來觀看。一派笙簫鼓樂，迎匾到
廟，解開黃綾包，懸匾於殿上。士大夫爭來觀看，果然寫的端楷，瓦盆大的五個金字
，眾人念道：“那有這樣事”。

　　詩曰：
　　花拂簾櫳午夢長，醒來題筆紀荒唐。
　　誅邪有術言為劍，滅鬼無能口代槍。
　　富曲逞奇俱是幻，咸淵定策總非常。
　　止因畫上鍾馗好，一一描來仔細詳。

Source Colophon

Source witness: Project Gutenberg eBook #23867 (斬鬼傳, catalogued under the author's name Liu Zhang), UTF-8 text, retrieved 2026-08-28; Gutenberg licensing boilerplate removed, text body unaltered. The witness's rare variant graphs (含磣/寒磣, 溫斯/溫屍, 急突/急瀆, 滴料/得料, 咸淵/咸洲) are retained in the source as received and reconciled in the translation as noted in the colophon.

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